Episode eight: Looking out for Numero Uno

I may have been hasty in the earlier episodes in declaring this season the worst ever. I now think it’s as good as any other. I’ve loved Jillian from the beginning, despite her tacky taste in music and men. I’ve always thought she was smart, funny, fun, good-looking. She had it all. Well, except for taste. But she’s coming around. My big beef with the program this season was more to do with the early stunts. But those are now ancient history and we’re getting into real relationships. Well, mostly real.

The four remaining bachelors joined Jill in Spain for individual exotic dates. We’ll look at each one individually. There was so much at stake, she says: love, marriage, a potential proposal. Maybe not in that order.

KIPTYN

“I am here in Madrid, Spain,” Jillian informs us in case, you know, we thought maybe they were in Madrid, Alabama (yes, there is one). Yes, I know there are Madrids elsewhere in the world, but all the other ones are the ones you need qualifiers for. Madrid is the Bono of the atlas. If you’re talking about Sonny Bono, you have to say Sonny Bono. Otherwise it’s the lead singer of U2.

Jillian says she has adored Kiptyn from the start. He’s kind-hearted... genuine... has more abs than regular guys with six-packs. Jill thinks he may have nine or twelve. And, apparently, she sees the perfect package for her. I thought Tanner had the perfect package?

Speaking of the foot freak, we get lots of shots of Jillian’s toes on these afternoon dates. He must be killing himself wherever he is now.

She wonders, though, if Kip is out of her league. There’s that Canadian confidence for you! On their date, Kiptyn says his sister asked him if he’s ready to propose and he tells her everything has been better than expected but a proposal “seems far off.” Points for honesty. Jillian looks a bit shocked, but she’s the one who keeps telling Chris Harrison to hold off on using the h-word.

Their date takes them to a flamenco lesson with Maria, Ricardo and Paco. Dancing with the Reality Stars? She’d lose to Melissa in that one, too. Kip doesn’t look comfortable: “Flamenco and me should never hang out again,” he quips. But Jillian has fun. She’s up for anything, that girl. She had a blast but hopes that “tonight we can get to a whole new level.” I did an “ahem” there, but it was not to be. Jillian turns out to be way more proper than I’d given her credit for.

They dine on slugs and snails, then Jillian tells Kiptyn he reminds her of her dad. At least she acknowledges that it sounds a bit creepy. She explains that her dad’s a bit of a pussy and lets her mom do whatever she wants, but she’d want Kiptyn to tell her when she’s offside. She doesn’t want to wear the pants in the family all the time.

Then the fantsy suite card arrives. Kiptyn acts like he has no idea what it’s going to say. Is it possible he’s never seen an episode of the show? Surely he knows this is his chance to make sweet love to the Bachelorette. Or is it? Jillian stunningly rejects the suite! A first in Bachelor/ette history, I do believe. Where was Chris Harrison to mark this first like they do for every other first? But Harrison is conspicuously absent this week. He doesn’t even show up to the rose ceremony. So it doesn’t seem like such a shocking development that Hot Tub Harrison turns down the chance for some nooky. I’d like to believe that Jillian is a faithful reader of this blog and read my prediction that she’d have sex with more guys than any other Bachelorette, and is doing this just to spite me. Nicely played, Harrison. You win this round.

The excuse she gives poor Kiptyn is that she can’t spend the night with someone unless they’re heading in the right direction. So what does that say? That if it weren’t for Wes, he’d be toast? Are they going in the wrong direction? Okay, my prediction for next week is that he’s gone. You read it here first. Or, judging by the shere volume of blogs about this show, probably not.

Anyway, Jillian says they can just cuddle and hang out. She probably has her period. (Before you women get on me for that, I have to say that’s what my wife said when watching.)

They lie on her bed making out, legs interlocked. Jill says, “There’s a small part of me that wishes I would have accepted the overnight card.” Uh, yeah. It’s called your clitoris. (Again, ladies, that was my wife’s line. Seriously.)

REID

She meets Reid in Sevilla. That’s in Spain, too, in case you didn’t know. Never in her entire life has she been anywhere as beautiful as this. The couple picnic in a park with wine (natch) and cheeses. In the interview, she’s all red-faced, clearly from the, er, Spanish sun. Certainly not the wine because Jillian is all Miss Proper this week, remember? The big red flower stuck to the side of her head proves it.

The relationship with Reid, she says, has moved very, very slow. But there’s something to be said for opposites attracting. She says she always gets giggly around Reid. That’s because he’s actually funny. She’s not used to a funny guy who doesn’t oversell every line with physicality so she doesn’t even recognize it as humour and can’t understand why she’s giggly.

Even when he’s not being funny, he’s funny. In a shop, he tries to speak the native tongue, so he says, “Soy grande.” Now, I’ve forgotten most of my Spanish 11, but isn’t that a coffee?

And an example of him intentionally being funny was when he talked about how much his family liked her. He says to her, “I was surprised. ‘Really? You like Jillian?’” He’s so confident he can jokingly put her down. Either that or he doesn’t care if he advances or not. But don’t you always get the job and the girl when you give off the take-it-or-leave-it vibe? Put your money on Reid.

More Reid humour. As he opens his heart and tells her why they’re a good match, he lists off that they’re very similar, he’s attracted to her, and every time they hang out it just gets better. Jill melts and they kiss. Then he pulls back and says, “But...” There’s nothing else coming, and Jill immediately recognizes the joke. I like their fun antagonistic relationship.

I thought for sure Reid would get an overnight invitation. I mean, everyone gets the invitation, but it’s not the same coming from the producers. When the card comes, Jillian plays him to gauge a reaction. He plays it perfectly, saying he’ll let her decide because “it’s the gentleman thing to do.” And she turns him down, too! Oh. My. God. Jillian is a virgin! Or a huge Jonas Brothers fan. Actually, given her musical tastes, that wouldn’t surprise me.

Reid speaks a bit about his jealousy, but he’s not in any way psychotic. Just a tad neurotic. He says, “Let’s sabotage the other dates!” Jillian tells him to “just trust me”, which could come back to bite her in the butt later on if she ever lets him go. “I trusted you!” he could wail. Not that Reid would ever wail over anyone, but that basic idea.

But you never know because he says, “As neurotic as I am and as much as I second-guess things, I’m confident about my relationship with Jillian.”

ED

I never realized until tonight that Ed is a dud. The king of the v-neck sweater is as boring as his job with Microsoft. He’s just a hipper-looking version of the nerd in the Mac-PC commercials. Going immediately after Reid really accentuates his lack of funny. All he could say, over and over ad infinitum, was how he couldn’t stop thinking about her when he left earlier in the show, which is why he came back. Yes, Ed, we know. We get it. What I want to know is how he got time off from his boss this time. Does he still have a job? Why was it so important he return to Chicago last time and now he’s expendable enough to be permitted to jet off to Spain?

The two, also in Sevilla (aka Seville, as in the Barber of), talk about what might have happened on a hometown visit had Jill gone to Chicago. To prove he’s not a dud, he tells her he’d have taken her out to sing karaoke. See? Not a dud at all.

We got a taste of the crafty editing to come. We see Jillian walking along in wet shorts with no explanation. Only later on did we find out that she didn’t pee her pants. Earlier on, even though they showed it later, we saw them making out in a fountain. So they’re mixing up the timeline. No big deal, but it just proves you have to always keep in mind they are most likely playing with reality.

Ed says it takes a lot for him to open up and show emotion. So he’s just like Reid minus the sense of humour.

The overnight card arrives. Jill fondles her hair. Ed hesitatingly, and unconvincingly, says he’d... love... to. Then she breaks the news to him that it’s not going to happen, giving a different reason. She says she doesn’t want to get hurt if he should leave again. But he persists, in his meek computer nerd way, and she caves. They need the time to get caught up. So off they go, but they sleep in their clothes. Colour his balls blue.

WES

They’ve been hinting that Wes is a goner all episode. We’ll see about that. Jillian says she’s been attracted to him from the very beginning. He’s totally her type, she says, to which I say, “Good God.” She also says Wes and her have shared some pretty intimate moments. Which reminds me, a few episodes back, they hinted at an overnight that went terribly wrong, but we never saw what that was. Anybody have any guesses? Did I miss it? Since she’s not going on any overnights this time, maybe it was an intimate moment with Wes.

This time they’re in Barcelona (Spain). Wes says he doesn’t know much about the music scene in Barcelona but he had a song on his second album that was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico, so he’s home around Spanish people... Huh? I guess because Mexicans also speak Spanish. Isn’t that like saying, “I had a record go number one in Chicoutimi (Quebec) so I feel comfortable around Parisians”? He’s a sharp one, that Wesley.

She adores Wes, she insists, so she wants to give him a chance. They hop on bikes. “You look cute on a bike,” she tells him. “Yeah, I know,” he responds.

When they sit down to eat and talk, he tells her how perfect she is (shades of Jake?) and that she’s what he’s looking for. But Jillian notes that he sat as far away from her as possible. She didn’t feel the love. Add to this the anxiety she feels about analysing every single thing he says trying to figure out if he’s lying or not. Sounds like Mr. Right!

She says, “Let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that we decide the best thing for you to do is to move to Vancouver for a couple of years.” Uh, yeah, I could see that happening. That hypothetical doesn’t even make sense because in that world where “they” both decide he should move to Vancouver, he’d have agreed to it. So he’d be on board. But in reality, he’d never agree. And he says as much. “That would be... crazy,” is how he puts it. Thank God. This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.

But it gets better! She asks if they could meet somewhere in the middle. He says, “Uh...” Then she says, “If I said, ‘Wes, you’re the one and I want to make this work,’ how are we gonna do it?” Here’s Wes’s response, verbatum (at least as far as what we saw): “That bird has no foot.” Then he spills his beer and lets her clean it up without even trying to help.

At dinner, she shows up in a beautiful red gown (she’s looked fantastic on all her Spanish dates). Wes arrives in a ratty C&W denim shirt and ripped jeans with his just-woke-up ‘do. She tells him he looks good. What a saint that woman is.

He admits that his manager thought going on the Bachelor would be good for his career. I hope that manager never works again. Wes, too, thought it would be good for him. But he tells her he’s already played her a song, done the full-band thing, showed her what he does. “If I wanted to go home, my mission would have been accomplished.” Good lord, never trust a Texan when he says “Mission Accomplished”.

He says if he had a girlfriend, he’d be gone already. So Jill wonders why he hasn’t kissed her. He should be showing affection. But Wes wants her to believe he’s just been second-guessing himself. He says he’s worried that she might turn away if he goes in for a kiss. Jill thinks he should risk that. You hear that, fellas? Take the risk.

Wes says, “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m gonna be true to myself because numero uno is the most important here.” They’re in Spain, remember? The guy can speak a little Spanglish. She gives him a dirty look. Then brings up Laurel. That’s when he slips up and says “my girlfriend... I mean, ex-girlfriend”. The music stops. Nothing left to say.

The card arrives. Timing is everything. Do it, Jillian! Fuck him hard! (Pardon my Spanish.) That would have vaulted this season to best-ever status. It’s still pretty good, because Wes looks at her and says he thinks they should spend the night together in the fantasy suite! Ah, too funny. As if their previous conversation never happened. I’m sure it works at last-call in Austen bars.

This time Jillian doesn’t even offer any reasons. Just, “I’m gonna skip it.” Perfecto. You go, girl. If this were a one-on-one rose date, guess who’d be going home? As it is, we have to wait for the “dramatic” rose ceremony.

ROSE CEREMONY

Dramatic? Not so much. Comedic? A little bit. Jillian says it’s a hard rose ceremony for her. Uh, why? Not sure. But she also says she’s never been more sure of who she has to send home. So no surprises.

While the four guys line up waiting for Jillian, Wes says that if it’s him who gets sent home, he’ll be back home having lots of sex. Then he laughs like an insane man. The others stare back at him.

Oh God how I wished she would keep Wes around for another week at this point! How about Wes for the new Bachelor?! Who wouldn’t watch that? Do it!

The roses go out, in order, to Ed, Reid... and at this point Wes whispers, “Congratulations, bro” to Kiptyn, who responds, “It may be you.” Wes replies, “It ain’t me, dude. It ain’t me.” And with that, Kiptyn gets the final rose. Goodbye and good luck, Wes. Have fun making hit records in Chihuahua.

It was here that I noticed Chris wasn’t around. Nobody informed that guys that there was only one rose left, and if they didn’t get one to say their goodbyes then get the hell out. So after Kiptyn got the final rose, they stood around awkwardly before Jill says to Wes, “Can I walk you out?”

Out they go and they hold hands! Jill now knows in her heart that Wes has a girlfriend, came on the show to promote himself, and lied to her throughout, yet she still holds his hand on the way out.

She actually makes a decent point about why she kept him around. If she had let him go after the hometown visit, she’d always be thinking, “What if?” But now she knows. Sorry Jesse and Michael, she apparently isn’t thinking “What if?” about you guys.

What she doesn’t explain is how she ever liked Wes to begin with.

Now here’s an interesting part. It’s Wes’s classy limo speech as he’s swigging whiskey. We all know he’s been a victim of bad editing to some extent. But we also know he’s been a victim of himself. We know he said he’d be going home and having lots of sex right before the roses were handed out. So the guy’s a jerk. But what he said in the limo doesn’t fit. On the one hand he says, “The first guy ever in The Bachelorette to make it in the top four with a girlfriend.” And that sounds damning. But it was chopped off right at the end. It’s possible he said something like, “She thinks I’m the first guy ever in The Bachelorett to make it in the top four with a girlfriend, but it’s not true.” Or “As if I could be the first guy in The Bachelorette to make it in the top four with a girlfriend. That’s crazy.”

The only reason I say this is because he also said, “She shot me down. I’m going down in flames... You know, I think it’s going to take me a long time to be able to get back on my feet... This is just kinda another bump in the road. I’ll go back home. I’ve got my dog waiting and my band... Let me tell you what, tonight I’m in Spain and it’s about to go down. I’m going out. I’m cutting off the chains. I’m a free man.”

Why would it take him a long time to get back on his feet if this was all just a lark? Why would it be a bump in the road? He’s got a dog waiting and his band, but no mention of the girlfriend. Why would he need to cut off the chains?

Then again, he also said, “My acting days are over. I’ve definitely gone as far as I could go with Jillian. I’ve already done everything I’ve needed to do... We’re pushing a brand new single right now. I got a big radio tour I gotta do a.s.a.p.” And then he knocks the other fine, upstanding bachelors: “How could I lose to Reid? You gotta be kidding me! I was born at night, but not last night... And Ed! That boy couldn’t so much as get a nibble back in Texas... I’m in Spain/Everybody’s gonna know my name.”

So that’s that. Three good guys are left, which makes me proud of my Jillian. She’s proud of herself, her parents are proud, as are her friends. I feel like I’m a friend now.

Next week it’s off to Hawaii. And in three weeks, in the season finale, more drama! More tears! We hear Ed saying, “I didn’t want to hurt her but I have to do this.” For a dull guy, he sure knows how to break hearts.