Episode five: Shock of a... Ed leaves

A shock of a lifetime. That’s what they told us Jillian experienced this week. It’s the hyperbole we’ve come to expect from The Bachelor/ette franchise. A lifetime? Really, Bachelor/ette producers? The shock of a week, maybe.

Turns out bachelor Ed wanted out. He blamed it on his boss, which I’m sure will go over well in the office tomorrow morning after this airs on national TV. So off he went, never knowing for sure what might have been, and our poor Jillian was left wondering if she’s not good enough for guys to take chances on.

I’m going out of order here. Usually I'd save such earth-shattering news for lower down to build the suspense but the show always gives every freaking thing away, so why can't I? What are they so afraid of? That we won’t come back after the commercials? We're with you, producers. No one is switching over to I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here. Honest. Can’t we just experience the shock of a lifetime once when it happens? It might actually heighten the experience.

So anyway, what else happened? The group headed up to Whistler, BC, home of the upcoming 2010 winter Olympics. For any first-time American viewer to the show, I’m sure it only reinforced their opinion of what Canada is: snow and trees for as far as the eye can see. So in case anyone missed it, Whistler is a mountain resort.

Michael, the kooky breakdancer, gets the first one-on-one date, his first of the series. As everyone knows, on these dates it’s get a rose or go home. I thought for sure Michael was toast, but his infectious goofiness won Jillian over. They go zip-lining, which is basically hanging from a rope and sliding down a hill really high in the air. Michael thinks zip-lining is just like love because you have to just commit all out. And then you scream. And puke.

I’ve been on record criticising Jillian’s taste in men and music. Her bad taste knows no end, it seems. She thinks Michael is “incredibly funny”. All I can think is his sense of ha-ha has been lost in the editing. The guy is a carefree goofball, I’ll grant you. But funny? Maybe compared to the other duds, comedy-wise, in the bunch. But she likes that he reminds her of a puppy. An incredibly funny puppy.

Mike had a great date, too. “I’ve not done anything like this ever ever in my whole life ever,” he said. And then peed on the carpet.

After the fun day stuff, Jill wanted to see the serious side of the puppy. He tells her he’s a “cheesy-ass, fall-in-love romatic” if a girl so much as kisses him. Not that that's happened before.

But I gotta admit he won me over with his self-effacing attitude when he got serious. He admitted how stupid he can get at the expense of looking cool. I appreciate that. The first key to not being made fun of is to make fun of yourself. Well played, sir, well played.

And it works. To a degree. Jillian says a sense of humour is important to her and there’s never a lack of conversation with Michael. So with that... he gets a hug. A measly hug. Oh, there’s a small kiss but she quickly turns that into another emasculating hug. Maybe it doesn’t work afterall.

***

The group date sees vacant Wes, bartender Robby, studly Kiptyn, toe-boy Tanner, spoiler-alert Ed, Gentleman Jake, brainy Reid, and, uh, Mark on a snow day. High fives ensue. They’re at a ski resort but the idea of a snow day gets them juiced. Turns out they’re going snowmobiling. And on this date, Jill wants to know where everybody stands. Of course she won’t find out, but she wants to know nonetheless.

When Wes plops down beside her in the snow, they talk a bit about last week and if guys are there for the right reasons. Wes visibly gulps and offers that he might be perceived as not being there for the right reasons because he has a new CD coming out, available in fine hardware stores everywhere. But he says he was working on the CD for a good year and a half before he decided to do the show. Did he mention he has a new CD coming out? Check out his website, www.creepyopportunist.com

And dear, sweet, gullible Jill says she loves Wes and likes the fact he’s a bad-ass as well as sweet, so he gets a big old smooch. North America sighs and shakes their collective head.

At the end of the night with all the fellas, Jillian offers cheers to the snow, cheers to the whiskey and cheers to the ice bar, upon which the party girl does a little dance.

It’s at about this point of every program where the whiskey starts to get to our Jillian. She sits down with Kiptyn and says, “Feel my butt. It’s wet.” Kiptyn, going incognito in a hat, obliges. Jillian truly looks wasted. They kiss. Tongue is involved. Jill says, “I like you. I like you. Do you like me?”

By the time Reid comes a-courtin’, she’s into the beer. She asks Reid who’s the one with the girlfriend. He jokes that he’s got four girlfriends and two wives. Oh, that Reid. He’s already way funnier than Michael.

Here’s when Ed breaks the news to Jillian about the conference calls he’s supposedly been having with his boss. Does anyone buy this? I thought these guys were cut off from the outside world when they agreed to come on the show. And here Ed is having daily conversations with his by now, I’m sure, ex-boss.

Jill gives the pity rose to Ed, saying he can think about it for a couple of days before making a decision and there will be no hard feelings either way.

***

On the last date of the week, a hung-over Jillian greets winemaker Jesse and they hop on a plane to a glacier. It’s the most romantic view she’s ever seen in her life; a glimpse of heaven, if you will. And I think you will.

There they frolic in the snow. Jesse says he’s been in love only once in his life and I’m thinking, uh-oh, not good. She likes a guy who’s had his heart broken, remember? But that appears to be the criterion only for guys she doesn’t like already. She isn’t listening to a word he says, all the while giving Jesse a kiss-me stare.

After the break, she asks him if it’s too soon for him to get into a relationship. Jesse doesn’t have a ready answer, to his credit. And she doesn’t seem to care. They talk of kids. She wants children in about three years. She also says she wants to live in her guy’s city for a couple of years, but Jesse doesn’t ask the obvious follow-up. Where does she go after that? Back to Vancouver? What if he doesn’t want to go?

But Jesse is just as smitten, so words don’t really matter. He tells her how sweet, sexy and raspy her voice is, saying she should be on the radio and people could listen to her soothing tones and fall asleep. I actually agree with him. I love her voice. But I can see how others don’t. And to her credit, she goes the self-deprecating route, saying, “Who ever in their right mind thinks my voice is soothing? It’s like nails on a chalkboard. It’s like I’ve been drinking whiskey since I was born.” God love her. In fairness, she’s only been drinking whiskey every day since she was 15.

The two hop in the hot tub and pour champagne. She digs him big time. He gets the rose, of course. He says he’s gleaming, he’s glowing and he won’t be able to sleep tonight. Uh, yeah, Jesse, it’s called blue balls.

***

Ed leaves. Blah. So what? Tears follow. He asks to keep the rose because nobody else should have it. I’m still not sure how that affected the show. Jillian tells him that when he does find a person he’s crazy for, he shouldn’t let work get in the way. Ba-boom! In your face, Ed! Take that!

Jill takes a long, pensive gondola ride and wonders if she’s good enough for someone to take a chance on and sacrifice things. She is. And she knows it.

***

Jillian decides to skip the cocktail party and get right down to business handing out roses. Suffice it to say this is the first time Jillian has ever turned down a night of drinking.

At the rose ceremony, she sports gorgeous earrings. I don’t usually notice things like that, so they must be special. I’ve got nothing to say about them other than I really liked them.

Since Ed left of his own accord, and Michael and Jesse already have roses, only one person will be sent packing. Jill hands out six roses to:

1. Reid
2. Kiptyn
3. Robby
4. Jake
5. Tanner
6. Wes

Sent home is the pizza dude, Mark, who took it well, saying he couldn’t get past his own barriers. But he managed a final parting shot to our friend, Wes, saying “I didn’t come here to sell records and I don’t have a girlfriend.”

It seems my tipster, who commented on my first blog of the season, one day before the very first show aired, was bang-on. She said that Wes would make the hometown dates. Each week I keep hoping Jill comes to her senses, but I guess we’ve got to just wait it out. I’m just hoping he’s the hapless lover they teased about in next week’s episode who couldn’t get it up. Can’t wait for that one. Although knowing the producers, the big problem in the bedroom they mention will probably turn out to be a calf cramp.

Either way, I’m there. See you next week.