As for those cowboys who sang last week, I'm still not going to mention them. Regular readers know I will never give them the publicity they're looking for unless I happen to like them. Thankfully, most musical acts on this show truly suck so I can continue on in fake ignorance. I don't care how big or rich they are, they're nobodies in my world.
Finally to Anonymous 2, I wasn't judgey about the bare midriff the Sexy Fake Virgin sported. I quite liked it, as a matter of fact. I just thought it, coupled with her spackled face, probably didn't fit in on the farm. I didn't know it was back in style, but another commenter, Kelly, didn't know it either. so I'm not alone.
(Note to future commenters: I don't mind all the Anonymous's, but you know you can pick a user name without having to register if you like. Might make things easier.)
Okay, let's hear what Chris has to say in the ultra-needless "Chris Tells All" episode.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's not ultra-needless at all. Just heard it's a "very special edition." My bad.
We start off the "Chris Tells All" episode with Chris telling all about Kelsey the Komplainer. Only Chris isn't there. Not sure how the title works. Regardless, good Kelsey has shown up, finding it hard to believe that she was controversial. Cut to her saying she's "blessed with eloquence." Harrison asks her if she thinks she's smarter than the other girls. She pauses and tries to think up big words. The best she can do is "narcissistic" "flippant" and "condescending." Then tops it off with, "If somebody had expressed to me something that I said, I would have ameliorated it." I can just imagine Anonymous 2 turned off the TV at this point, thinking she was speaking in tongues.
Then she goes on to talk about her unfaked panic attack: "It was such an emotionally tumultuous day." She felt "flooded." You know, when "there are too many emotions amassing." She said she'd never had a panic attack before but as a medical health professional, she knows what they are. So presumably she knows enough that she could fake one. But she didn't, clearly, even if she did recover very quickly from it. The only way she could recover so quickly, she says, was to "focus on humour." Then she said, "I'm surprised I could pull it off so well and fake it. I certainly didn't feel okay." But she was talking about her recovery. Got that? She faked her recovery, not the panic attack. Nothing to see here. Move along, folks!
Onto the next topic in "Chris Tells All," Kelsey says that the Sexy Fake Virgin was nice to her all along so she had no idea there were "malintentions." (Good luck looking that one up, Anonymous 2!)
Harrison asks if she wants to see the women again. She responds that she wants to give them the benefit of the doubt but is afraid it's going to become a "crucifixion." More like "cruci-fiction", am I right, people?!
Now the "Chris Tells All" portion of the "Chris Tells All" episode. He says it gets difficult watching the drama all over again. I guess that is one saving grace for us. We just have to watch it. He had to live it and watch it. Harrison asks him about the Badlands and ratting out SFV to Kelsey. Chris answers with refreshing honesty: "I clearly know less about women than I ever thought I knew." But doesn't otherwise explain himself.
There's a segment on Crazy Ashley. Harrison tells Chris about her wandering around backstage at the mansion, as it were, checking out craft services and the crew's trailers, looking for a betting ring on the girls. Harrison says, "I probably should have told you" and Chris says, yeah, a little help would have been nice. That underscores the very problem with the show's stated goals and reality. They're not really there to help someone find true love; they're there for drama. They keep secrets about the crazies. I supposed the truth always outs itself and most crazy contestants don't make it to the final (the exception being Jake's year), but meanwhile normal, solid contestants might be sent home ahead of the future crazies.
Then Harrison assures Chris that Crazy Ashley's audition tape was "incredibly normal." They show us clips of them and I have to say if those were "incredibly normal," either everyone is crazy or Harrison's perception is skewed from years on reality television.
Then they discussed all the highlights and lowlights of the season which served more as network time waster than anything else. Nothing of any import was uttered.
The next segment featured Chris telling all about Andi's fresh breakup, only without Chris again. In the most unsurprising news of the season, Andi and Josh didn't last. We saw them together when this season started but Josh always seemed not as into it as Andi. It always appeared to me that they just came from an argument in the limo to putting on a happy face for the cameras. That could just be projection on my part based on her famously short temper, though.
Harrison asks how she's doing and she can barely speak. This must be a fresh wound. Usually the breakups are all cheerful about how things just didn't work out and they're still good friends, blah blah blah. But this seems like they called it quits yesterday. What's she doing going on TV so soon? Maybe vying for another shot at The Bachelorette since there's no obvious frontrunner?
She says she and Josh had struggled "for a while." She is bawling. She says that after the premier of this season, they ran into couples that had formed after them yet had already planned weddings. That hit them (her) hard. "We had to actually ask ourselves, why are we not planning a wedding? Let's just be honest." I'm sure she was using the royal "we." Again, I may be way off here and going just from what she presented both with Juan Pablo and on her own season, but I betcha it was her starting in on Josh and he finally saying enough already. I'm sure the assistant D.A. would object saying that's nothing more than conjecture, your honour. Sustained.
Harrison asks if the breakup was mutual. She says it was "pretty mutual," which is code for "he dumped me." He then asks if she's still in love with Josh. She cries some more then the music swells up and they go to commercial. No answer. We return to her crying and she finally answers, "I'll always love him." She says she'd never experienced a love like that. He was her first true love and her first heartbreak. She admits they're not really talking anymore. "I think both of us get upset about each other's actions," she says. Again, not to pin this entirely on Andi, but we've seen her when she gets upset and starts judging and it ain't pretty. She says it's not a healthy relationship. She calls it the biggest failure of her life so far. Harrison consoles her saying it's not a failure on her. She also feels she disappointed people and she feels bad it didn't work out.
Harrison is proud of her for coming in and articulating what she's going through. But I wonder why she did it. What's the point of public grief at this point? Get it under control and in context, then make an appearance. Or not.
Okay, enough with "Andi Tells All About Her Breakup." We're on to the extra episode of The Bachelor.
Chris is down to seven women. Britt asks Chris about his 2-on-1 date with the Komplainer and Sexy Fake Virgin. He just says it was a "rough day" and he was "trying to handle it the best" he could. That's all.
At the cocktail party someone tells Chris "there hasn't been any progression" in their relationship, saying, "I don't feel like you really know me." I swear to God, I have no idea who this person is. I doubt Chris does, either.
Chris sighs heavily and says he's having a hard time. He says some relationships are moving quicker. And she leaves. Turns out it was Megan. Now she's going to have to fly all the way back to the United States.
Chris seems upset, as was Megan. This is what I was talking about with the producers not filling Chris in on the motivations of others. Maybe Megan and Chris would have made the best couple, maybe not. But she surely deserved to be there ahead of a couple others that are now in the final six, even if I didn't know who she was.
Chris tells Harrison he has strong feelings for all six. So Chris walks back in to tell the women that there won't be a rose ceremony after all. The announcement is met with almost the same glee as when Kelsey's bags were removed from the hotel.
The next exotic locale is Iowa. Wow, from New Mexico to South Dakota to Iowa. The show's on tough times. Even Bachelor Canada had more exotic locales than this season. When he announces they're going to Iowa, the women are ecstatic. That's probably the first time that's ever happened in the history of the Buckeye State.
Carly the Crooner was amazed to see trees with leaves that are changing colour because she had always thought Iowa was flat. Hmm. Let's just let that sink in for a moment...
Okay, I'm back. They're in Des Moines, which is French for Of The Moines, if my high school French still serves.
Britt found the date card. Jade gets the one-on-one to go to Chris's hometown. So off she goes to Arlington. We see the sign: "Arlington, where hills and prairie meet." It looks like it was done for art class in one of the area's elementary schools. I tried to find a Google image of it but there's nothing, probably because there's no internet in Arlington.
We see Chris talking to cows. The Playboy model is giving us a play-by-play from the SUV: "Saw a bunch of corn... Oh cows... Dirt road... Telephone pole... wild grass... Holy shit, this is happening."
Chris takes her for a walk and introduces her to cows, suggesting they could name one Jade. Oh, Chris, you hopeless romantic! She nips that one in the bud immediately.
Next they hop on his hog and go for a ride through town. At the Lamont Feed Mill & Antiques shop, a sign reads, "Welcome Home Chris." They get off and stroll through downtown. What's the opposite of bustling? Whatever it is would still be overkill to describe this place. Almost every store is shut down. He tells Jade of the bar he used to hang out at. Points out the market that doesn't exist anymore. Shows where his dad goes for coffee, which turns out to be just some dude who gets up at 5 and brews coffee for the locals. Jade says it feels like a ghost town. But I think a ghost town would be more bustling than Arlington.
Jade is feeling a little overwhelmed. She says the place feels deserted. That is until he takes her to a high school football game in Starmont, which screams of big city in comparison. He seems to know everyone there. And his parents are there. Chris's mom asks her what she thinks of Starmont. Why would she do that? What a cruel question. Don't put her on the spot like that.
He then takes Jade for a tour of his old high school. He points out where he used to serve detention. She asks if he was a rebel. He said he was a little bit but did well in class. Jade says she was a "total rebel." We've known that all along, but this is news for Chris. You can tell she's testing him out for the big reveal tomorrow. Er, I mean tonight. Chris says he really wants to see her wild side. I bet he does.
He tells her she doesn't seem like much of a rebel. Jade says her parents wanted her to be this perfect person. Now we're starting to understand what led her to decision to pose nude. But I'm no Freud. What do I know?
She doesn't feel ready to tell him about her nude photos and video, though. They kiss in the hall before exiting to watch the end of the football game. The home team lost, if you're interested. They walk onto the field and the crowd chants, "Kiss Chris, kiss Chris!" She doesn't let the crowd down. She probably should have gone streaking across the field to set the stage for her announcement.
Next one-on-one was with Cartoon Whitney. They go to an art gallery in Des Moines. She's a little too excited about everything, isn't she? They look at a photo exhibit on love and set out to snap photos of themselves kissing in different settings around the city, or her "new home," as she calls it. No, Whitney, it's not. That'd be Arlington.
Back at the hotel, Jade tells the girls about her date and when it comes to the "Kiss Chris!" chant, Britt can't handle it. She breaks up. Maybe she thinks of her luscious lips as urine and she's already staked out her territory. Carly suggests they all take a road trip to Arlington to check it out all by themselves, I guess so they can hide the shock if Chris ever takes them there.
Back on the date with Whitney, they look over the photos they took and the Cartoon Girl is totally seeing herself not only with Chris, but in Iowa.
The four women on the lamb to Arlington drive past cows. One of them – a city mouse, no doubt – says, "I'm not blaming anyone but..." Vancouver Girl assures them the odor is coming from outside. Ah, the fresh air of Arlington!
They arrive in Arlington. Not quite as exciting as they had anticipated. And remember, they weren't expecting excitement. No sooner do they arrive than they find themselves outside of town again. They back up to "downtown" to get out. As Britt says, "a slow lap of Arlington takes about two minutes." And she probably means on all fours.
Back in Des Moines, Chris and Cartoon Whitney head into a bar restaurant. She feels like she totally fits in. As they're sitting there three guys walk up to them. Turns out they're three of Chris's best friends. They ask her some deep questions, such as the lingering one that won't go away: Are you up to living in this place? She answers in the affirmative. She has no hesitations. I'm sure the cattle could use a fertility nurses in Arlington.
Whitney "impressed the hell out of" Chris. That was big for him.
Back at the hotel, Britt tells Playmate Jade and the others that she doesn't see herself in Arlington. But that on the drive back, with the sun setting, she had a change of heart. She realized she wouldn't be kicking it on Main Street, but in the comfort of their home. Carly's having none of it. She says Britt is one of the fakest people she's met. I don't know. Based just on that, I can see Britt's side. Her story adds up.
Date card time. The Dirty Hippy, Carly the Crooner and Vancouver Girl are going on a group date. That means Becca the Real Virgin is the lone one out. I assume she'll get a one-on-one.
Whitney tells Chris about her family dynamic. She has no parents. No relationship with her father and her mom died. So she's looking for someone who has a great family with great parents. She can't wait to call someone mom and dad again.
He leads her out of the joint and he points out a picture they took of them kissing is now a mural on the side of the building. She was so over the moon, she took a whiff of helium and shouted, "No way! I don't even know what to say!" She wrapped her legs around him while onlookers crowded around. Chris can see the rest of his life with her and says, "No question she'd make me want to be a better man. No question." Front runner? I'd have to think so. His chipmunk laugh with her cartoon voice is a match made in heaven.
Playboy Jade tells the Crooner about her nude past. Carly bugs her eyes out at that nugget of information. Jade says she really wants to be the one to tell Chris because her dad found out from his coworkers and "that wasn't the best situation." She says sometimes she regrets posing nude. She's thinking it could ruin her relationship with Chris, especially if his parents learn about it, which, since it's on TV, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's going to happen. But he might to take her to the fantasy suite just to be sure.
The group date is at a skating rink. Chris had skated once in his life. They grab some hockey sticks and take shots on goal. Chris is the first to fall.
After the skate, Britt takes Chris outside, which is no real surprise. They ran off on the last group date. I'm just surprised she could get away with it this time. She confesses to Chris that they went to Arlington. She tells him about her initial reservations but that she grew to really like it. She's very believable, even if Carly isn't buying it. If she's lying, she's a sociopath. That's my diagnosis. She's that good.
Now Carly is sitting with Chris. She takes the opportunity to say Britt is a filthy liar. Or words to that effect. She tells him to be careful. "I'm really freaked out for you," she says. Am I the only one who thinks Carly is overreacting to Britt? I mean, she may be a phoney, but Britt's story isn't inconsistent with Carly's story. She admitted to thinking she couldn't live there at first. She's probably the only honest one there in that regard.
Chris takes the Dirty Hippy aside to talk to her. She enthused about taking him to her hometown, playing up its smallness in an effort to relate. Chris said he liked that, then got down to business. He asks her what her first impression was when she got to his hometown. She doesn't really answer his question. So he asks if there was ever a "holy shit, there's no way" to her thinking. And she denies it! But she says there was definitely a shock factor. So she kind of admits it. She says you're not choosing the town, you're choosing the lifestyle, and the lifestyle is attractive to her. Based on the hour she spent there.
He tries a different tack, asking her how she sees herself with him. She says she wants to be a mom. Chris's face twitches. They kiss. Did he buy it? Who knows. Maybe he just wanted more luscious lip time.
Vancouver Girl gets the next alone time. She tells him she's a little frustrated. Chris tells her he feels really good about where they're at. Her vulnerability secures her the rose. Chris comes to get it and Britt looks sick. Chris says he feels like the luckiest man alive when he's with VG. Vancouver Girl crumbled after feeling nervous all day. It all melted away. With this rose, he now gets to meet her family. That means he's coming to my town! Or came whenever this was shot. Missed him.
Britt, meanwhile, is pissed, nodding like she's done. When Chris tells them all there's not much he can say to make it easier on any of them, she shakes her head and says, "No." Wowza. Just last week she was the one sneaking off with him to some godawful country show while the others sat and stewed. Now she's royally pissed at not getting the rose and can't hide it. She turns her head and won't even look at Chris. Carly takes the high road.
Sitting with Chris, VG and the Crooner, the Dirty Hippy says she's just confused and hurt. She's going on and on with the three of them, saying she doesn't want her husband to think of her as second fiddle, let alone third or fourth. Talk about entitled. This conversation in and of itself isn't so unusual. Happens all the time. But it is unusual to have it with the others sitting right there right after the rose was handed out. Chris wasn't happy seeing this side of her. Vancouver Girl and the Crooner look scared.
As soon as Chris leaves, the Dirty Hippy settles down a bit. But Carly's thrilled with Britt's outburst. Even if she goes home now, Carly feels she's done her duty. But she also feels Britt is gone. "There's no recovery," she says.
I'm guessing that's right since Britt's not on the upcoming highlights for hometown visits. Way to spoil your own product again, producers.
Chris says it seems like things are falling apart with him and Britt. I guess that means no more free hugs.
But first, here's the one-on-one with Becca the Real Virgin. I forgot there was one more date. Becca tells Chris she's never been in love with anyone, despite her on-and-off relationship of four years. Wait a second, I thought she was a virgin. (He honoured her offer. She offered his honour. And all night long he was honour and offer...)
They go up to the roof to watch the sunset, the number one activity of Iowans. There's probably even a league.
Britt tells Jade, Whitney and Carly that she's packed her bags and is probably going to leave before the rose ceremony. Carly calls her on it, asking if there's anything Chris could say to change her mind. She says no. Then she upgrades it to a 1 percent chance he could change her mind.
Feeling unsupported, Britt leaves and bawls. Not only does she want Chris to talk her out of it, it seems she wanted the other women to talk her out of it. That wasn't happening.
Harrison enters to inform them there's no cocktail party, leaving Britt no chance to say goodbye and Jade no time to reveal all about her revealing Playboy shoot.
As Chris is talking to them in their line, Britt asks to speak with him for two seconds. Exactly like the others predicted. Britt starts off by apologizing about the other night. Then she asks if he wants to say anything to her. He says she put him in a tough position. Then he tells her that some others told him to question her honesty. He learned from last week not to rat the person out. But Britt figures it out pretty quickly and asks him if it was Carly. She says Carly has something against her.
Chris hems and haws and Britt keeps trying to interrupt him but he wins out. He's not having any of it. He walks her out. She turns to say thank you to him, then walks out the door and cries. Loudly enough for him and the others to hear. Carly is loving it. She says, "I don't feel bad for Britt at all. It's fun to watch her squirm." She's enjoying this a little too much.
Through her tears, Britt says Carly was her friend. "I really trusted Carly," she says crying. Then why did she automatically assume it was Carly who told Chris about her? Something is fishy.
Chris comes back to tell the others he just sent Britt home. He says he's not playing games. Now it's rose time. Remember, Vancouver Girl already has one. The others go to:
- Cartoon Whitney
- Real Virgin Becca
- Playboy Jade
What? It's just starting? This is confusing with the rose ceremony at the beginning. I'm all discombobulated.
Chris starts his journey in Shreveport, Louisiana, to see Becca. She greets him in a playground with the jumping leg-wrap. She warns him about the alligators before heading out in a canoe. That can't be safe.
She's never brought a man home to her family. First time for everything, though. Her older sister is being an older sister, saying how weird it is to see Becca holding hands with him. She takes Chris aside and says, "Becca isn't an intimate person by any means. I guess she doesn't feel the urge or want to." Always nice to have supportive family behind you.
Then big sis brings up the fantasy suite to Becca. She calls Becca's sweet virginity a "sugar doughnut." Her mom tells Chris, "Don't break my daughter's heart." Or her hymen, for that matter.
When he leaves, they don't say goodbye. They head to the State Fair. It's closed but Chris has pull. They get a private Ferris Wheel ride and kiss all the way through it. Becca doesn't know what she's feeling but she thinks it might be love. Or maybe motion sickness.
In Chicago, Chris goes to meet Whitney and whoever it is she rounds up for him. The date she has planned is for them to go make a baby. Love a woman who takes control.
She takes him to her work. They dress in scrubs and look at sperm through a microscope. Romantic. But it gets better. They hand Chris a cup and a magazine. But he was punk'd! He won't have to jerk off in a room after all. He can save that for his own alone time.
First, though, is the family meeting. Whitney introduces Chris to her sister, brother-in-law, and grandmother. She has a bit of a tiff with her older sister. Seems to be a theme. Whitney doesn't want her sister to ruin any chance she might have with Chris if he asks her for her approval. The sister very rightly and rationally says she doesn't have to give a blessing, and Whitney can accept a proposal on her own. And the sister tells Chris basically that, that if Whitney is the one and only, then come to her then. But not as one of four. Perfectly reasonable.
Later Whitney tells Chris she bought a bottle of wine out of her price range a few years ago to share with the man she knew she was going to marry. And guess what? She wants to share it with Chris. I think she didn't understand her original intentions. Now I kinda hope he doesn't choose her just so she'll take her personal vows more seriously next time.
Next up Vancouver Girl's hometown of... Phoenix??? What the hell? Her parents are from Leduc, Alberta, but they winter in Phoenix. She welcomes Chris to "beautiful Canada!" I guess this is in line with the no-foreign-travel rule this season.
For some inexplicable reason, she takes him to a recording studio to write and record a rap song. I guess it's because it's not her hometown at all and she doesn't know what else to do. Chris is, to put it charitably, hopeless. Possibly the worst performance in a franchise filled with horrible performances.
Then he goes to meet Vancouver Girl's unconventional family: mom, step-dad, father, step-mother, and sister. Everyone gets along. Imagine that. She tells her mom that she hearts Chris. Mom says, "I can see that you heart him." Those words were really spoken. VG claims she can see a future with "this human" but I'm not buying it. At least not in Arlington.
Outside she shows Chris a huge neon sign that reads, "Kaitlyn [picture of a heart] Chris." So I guess she really does heart him.
Finally we head to Nebraska for Playboy Jade's big secret. Chris is saying Jade still has small town values despite living in LA. Little does he know.
Chris is telling Jade's dad that it's hard to find someone with her values. The dad looks perplexed. He tells Chris Jade is too much for most of her boyfriends. Her brother tells Chris Jade might have a hard time adjusting to a town of 500 people. He calls her a "wild mustang" and "free spirit" and that she's trying to get a modelling career off the ground in LA. Chris hasn't seen the wild mustang side of her; just the quiet side.
She has a tender moment with her father who tells her he trusts her and tears up. He wants someone for his daughter who will let her be her. Jade tells him the process has changed her. This gives her the confidence to give Chris the big news. They check into a motel. At least that's what it looks like.
Chris tells Jade what her brother called her: A wild mustang. She's a bit surprised but doesn't dispute it, labelling herself a free spirit. Now comes the big reveal. She says it's hard for her because she's been judged on it, especially in relationships. She was experiencing a liberating time of her life when she moved to LA and tells Chris that she was approached by Playboy to pose. And she did. Chris looks partly mad, partly confused, partly aroused. She offers to show her some of the photos. He's thrilled now. Again with the hemming and hawing: "This is about you... Sure!"
Chris says he was waiting to see her out of her shell, and he saw her out of her shell. Completely. Now he's thinking about conservative Iowa and how she would fit in, but says he'd stand behind her (so to speak) no matter what.
He looks around for that cup Whitney gave him and we cut to commercial.
Now they're back in Iowa. Dubuque, to be exact. Which means Of The Buque, I'm pretty sure. It's rose ceremony time. Three roses to hand out. One goes home. Who will it be? I'm going to guess Vancouver Girl doesn't make the cut. But it's not an easy prediction. Here they go:
- Cartoon Whitney
- Vancouver Girl (shows what I know)
- Real Virgin Becca
He walks Jade downstairs and they sit down. He says sorry, thinks she's an amazing person. He says it was just that things moved faster with the others and that's all there is to it. He says he doesn't know if he's making the right decision. She's been a gift to him. In ways she'll never know, I'm sure. She cries a bit, they hug, and he walks her out.
Jade cries in the limo, as one does. She says it really hurts. She didn't see it coming. She opened up as much as she could at the pace she could. She really did have feelings for him. Her heart's broken. But I'm sure she'll get over it.
Jade for Bachelorette! Jade for Bachelorette!
Chris says he could be making the biggest mistake of his entire life. I agree.
Next week Mali. I wonder what state that is in?