Bachelor Ben: Going with the Flow

I realize blogging about The Bachelor 24 hours later than usual is akin to commenting on Janet Jackson's nipple slip in 2012 but I'm in it this far, I may as well continue for the two or three people who might stumble across here on a Google search for, say, "Janet Jackson's nipple slip."

Warning, though, this is not about JJ's areola (although I'm not above trying to direct some much-needed traffic to my late post). But there were nipples in this episode, if you believe the editors who felt the need to place a large black box over Courtney & Her Eyebrow's chest for a good portion of the show. But we'll get to that.

I apologize for being tardy two weeks in a row. But I was laid out sick on Monday and couldn't even watch the show. And as I sit here now with blanket over lap, hacking up a lung, you'll hopefully be more generous than Courtney & Her Eyebrows and forgive me.

This week, the gang was in Panama City. Everyone (and I must include my own ignorant self here) was a little surprised to find PC so metropolitan. And so gender equal. I've seen plenty of phallic looking buildings in cities all over the world, but never a pudenda shaped one, which is where the ladies were staying.

Off the top Ben stated, "There are some women here I can see myself with for the rest of my life." The word I zoned in on was "some." If this is anything more than a game to Ben (and let's not kid ourselves, it isn't), he should send those other ones home. There is a precedence on this show for calling audibles. The Bachelor/ette can request more go or stay. Why keep around those you can't see yourself with?

The first one-on-one went to Kacie B. She played the Mary Ann to Ben's Gilligan for one scary half-day on a deserted isle. Ben said, "Today we really need to be there for each other. If we can accomplish something like this together, I feel like we could probably do anything." Kacie said, "Today has really made our relationship grow. We're helping each other, we're providing for each other. We can make it on our own." Totally. Before you go making fun of them, keep in mind they were stuck on that godforsaken tropical island until almost sundown!

Okay, it's ridiculous. If they were on that island for one whole week... I'd still scoff at it. But half a day?

My favourite moment on the island was when they "caught" a fish. My best guess is that a segment producer dropped a store-bought fish into the drink when they weren't looking and they were too impressed with their accomplishment to notice the limp fish in their net was already dead.

But the sage Ben did offer the rest of us some words of wisdom: "Relationships are all about overcoming obstacles and overcoming fears together and overcoming hurdles." Says the man batting a clean .000 in relationships. That's like hiring Mario Mendoza to be your hitting coach.

It was after the life-defining island adventure that Ben uttered his first of three "going with the flow" references. He raved about how Kacie just goes with the flow. That's what he's looking for in a woman. Fair enough. And Kacie does seem cool and chill. But the number of contestants over the course of this series' history who caused trouble on a one-on-one date has been equal to the number of successful relationships Ben has had: Zip. They're all on their best behaviour when a rose is on the line.

At dinner, Kacie opened up about why she doesn't relate to young people so much. And that's because in high school she suffered from an eating disorder. Two, in fact. She was bulimic and anorexic. I'm sure she liked having to share that with the whole world, but hey, Ben wants these women to divulge their deepest, darkest secrets before he sends them home.

He won't send Kacie home just yet, though. He rosed her. I wasn't so sure judging by the look on his face as she was revealing all this. When she said, "It's something I don't talk a lot about. You made it easier," he sat there stone-faced – or shell-shocked – and robotically replied, "Good. I'm glad."

Incidentally, she didn't touch a thing on her plate. Check the tape. I'm not making that up!

The group date was next and we were introduced to a woman who just joined the group: Jamie. The name rang a bell but I swear I'd never seen or heard her before. And by the time this episode was over, I'm betting she wishes the editors had left her out completely. But we'll get to that.

No need for a black box here.

Ben took the gals to get a make-over in a local tribal village. We saw one of the tribal women instructing Casey S. to take off her bikini top. She didn't. Nor didn't anyone else. Except, of course, Courtney & Her Eyebrows. And to her credit, too. She called everyone else prudes and she nailed it. It's tribal custom, ladies. Go with the flow, already. It's not as if the viewers would see anything beneath that giant black rectangle.

One funny part was when she told Ben her room number, and we saw her putting make-up on that night and sitting up for him. He never showed. Does he deserve a bit more respect now?

Side note: Since when do the ladies get private accommodation? I thought they always had roommates. Maybe Courtney & Her Eyebrows count as two people.

Also at the evening portion of the date, the new girl Jamie tried to get to know Ben a bit better. While working up to a kiss by droning on and on, Courtney & Her Eyebrows disrobed behind them into a stunning white bikini and pranced around, precluding a kiss on two fronts: Jamie wasn't about to let loose with the vixen putting on a show right there, and Ben couldn't pay attention to a single thing Jamie was saying. Just as well, as it turns out. But we'll get to that.

Emily was next to talk to Ben (although in real time I'm sure she was first as Courtney & Her Eyebrows was sitting there dressed and dry when Emily got up). She cracked a joke about having a crush on the tribal chief and Ben was disarmed. Then he asked her if she was past her obsessing over the crazed Courtney & Her Eyebrows. Emily hemmed and hawed and Ben bought it. And being the smart cookie that she is, she bought it, herself. So she went back to the group and publicly apologized. It seemed sincere, not one of those fake apologies. And Courtney & Her Eyebrows sucked her in for a second: "I appreciate you acknowledging it and being direct with me because I respect that." Pause for full effect. Then: "And I had lost all respect for you, I'm not gonna lie," said with her usual assortment of shoulder and nose twitches and pulling her lips to one side of her face so that the momentum yanks her whole head in that direction and other Shirley Temple-like faces.

Throughout it, Emily stayed classy, saying, "I totally respect you and what you're saying." Courtney & Her Eyebrows shot back, "But if you did, you wouldn't have treated me that way," and gulped another big gulp of red wine.

But Courtney & Her Eyebrows didn't get the rose, despite all her advances. Ben actually toasted "going with the flow" then proceeded to hand the rose to Lindzi. He told her he liked her easy-going manner, saying she seems like she's not the drama type, which he likes. Great. Now reconcile that his interest in Courtney & Her Eyebrows. No drama? Easy going? My guess is that she is going with the flow's antonym.

The dreaded 2-on-1 date was between the transformed Blakely and the dull Rachel. Blakely, showing us the colours we saw early on before the transformation to angelic, reverted to form, bragging about how she was going to get the rose. She was totally pumped while the more realistic Rachel was fretting, knowing one of them would be sent home.

After salsa dancing, Rachel and Ben sat down to talk and it was the best she's been. Her talk was genuine and perfect and she even came across as sexy for the first time. Blakely, however, came across as desperate, whipping out the arts and crafts booklet the props department whipped up for her to illustrate to Ben the state of her mental unbalance. "I don't what to lose you before you even get to know me," she said. That sealed it. He got to know her, then he lost her. Rachel got the rose.

Do you ever wonder just how many piercings Rachel has judging by the visible ones? She can't fit a Q-tip in her right ear and she can't fit a finger up her lest nostril.

Back at the Hotel Pudenda, Chris Harrison takes Casey S. aside to confront her about rumours he's heard from three separate sources back in the U.S. that she has a boyfriend. She denies it, but admits she still loves the guy. Sounds bad, right? But not really. She said the guy would never get married and that's something she won't compromise on. She wants to get married. So to help wean herself away from the guy, she needs some help from the Bachelor. I totally see her point. Yet Ben was having none of it. He told her he wished she had told him earlier, but only so that he could have sent her home earlier. Not that she stood a chance with him anyway, but it was a poor reason for sending her home and making her scrunch up her face like that on national television.

Ben came back to the women and said he wants them all to know they can be honest with him. But if they are, he will send their ass home stat.

At the final cocktail party, new girl Jamie realized she's a big prude who was lagging behind the others, so she went all-in. "I need to show him I'm sexy and I'm a woman," she said. So she sat him down and said that while lying in bed she thinks about the things she'd like to do with him. At which point she stands up, straddles Ben while wearing a mini-mini skirt, and starts to kiss him. So far so good. She should have stopped right there. Always leave them wanting more is the old show biz axiom. And bottom line, The Bachelor is show biz, let's try to remember. But she started laughing while kissing. Ben is intrigued, and a little bit horny, so he gives her another chance for a non-laughing kiss.

And then it all goes bad. Terribly bad. Jamie starts to lay down the rules: First, they should start with the lips closed, then one of them opens their mouth, leading to the culmination where they're both kissing with open mouths. See how that works? It's good to make sure you're both on the same page before you venture into something so foreign. That's just going with the flow! It doesn't ruin the mood at all. She's sexy and she's a woman. She knows these things.

Needless to say, the new girl Jamie didn't get a rose. In the tearful limo ride she chalked it up to being too late to open up to Ben rather than the clumsy play-by-play of the kiss. She was so close to escaping this series without notice. Now she'll never live down the most awkward come-on in Bachelor history.

We're down to the final six: Kacie, Lindzi, Rachel, Nicki, Courtney & Her Eyebrows, and Emily. Now that she's in it this far, I absolutely want to see Courtney & Her Eyebrows' family. Are they all crazy or is she the lone nut?