Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: The More the Merrier

A new dramatic episode of The Bachelorette starts now! Or so we're told.

Oh right, it's the Rooftop Clint drama. It might actually be good. Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he misunderstood?

Kaitlyn sits him down and starts in on him. He interrupts her, saying, "Did I disappoint you on our one-on-one?" Leading question because he knows they had a grand old time then. Not really the point, though. Then he starts talking about JJ and she interrupts him this time to say this isn't about JJ. He tells her he has a great relationship with everyone, saying he's been nothing but nice to all the guys. Then he says he's been "100% honest" with her and says so looking her straight in the eye. Is that a sign of a sociopath? Now she's conflicted. She's having second thoughts about sending him home. But she says she's really feeling upset because she really, really, really, really liked him but now she's done. "I don't trust you," she said. "This is insane," he said.

They walk back to the house hand in hand. Because that makes sense. She tells the guys Clint is going home, then apologizes for making this into another dramatic night. She doesn't know what to say. JJ says, "I think you should say sorry to all of us right now because you are taking time and emotions." I thought he was talking to Kaitlyn, but turns out he was addressing his boyfriend Clint. That riles Clint up. "Me? I need to apologize?" Hell hath no fury like a brofriend scorned. On his way out, Clint forces JJ to shake his hand. He does, and says, "You have no idea how hard this is for me right now."

Clint ignores him and walks away, saying, "Hey, I hope all you guys find what you're looking for. Thanks guys."

Clint comes back in and JJ tells him, "There's a few things I want to say, man." They are standing thisclose to each other face to face. I thought they were going to kiss. Instead JJ heaves a heavy sigh in Clint's face. Cocky Puck continues: "First of all, I probably said something rash. I'm frustrated. And I'm sorry for doing that." He slaps his calloused hand down on Clint's manly shoulder. Steamed, Clint grabs JJ around the wrist and moves it off, saying, "Don't touch me. Not after 'shut up' because I'm going to fucking kill you." Then there was a bunch of bleeping both ways, making it hard to understand what they're saying. But JJ says he'll probably be in the same limo home because they're going to hang him anyway. Clint responds, "Get the fuck out of my face." He says, "I told you shit that I haven't told people in a long time." JJ says he told Clint stuff no one else knows, either. Clint replies, "You're a piece of shit," with a big smile, looking deep into his eyes. JJ is confused. Clint explains, "I just went in there and asked you to back me up and you didn't do shit. Get the fuck out of my face, dude." Some more bleeping then, "You're about to make me lose my cool and I'm not okay with it... Walk away from me. Thank you."

JJ says he understands. Clint says, "Hey, I wish you the best of luck here. Hey, that tie goes really good with your shirt, [bleep]. Piece of shit." And out he walks to the limo. But we get no limo interview! What did he say?! How could there have been this build-up about man love last week and this week nada? Zip.

JJ is in tears. Like seriously in tears. Breakups are hard. The Cocky Puck tells himself to "suck it up."

We've still got a rose ceremony, though, don't forget. Who's in? Damnit, I have to go back and check again... Shawn, Zed, and Aitch are all safe.

First, though, the guys are telling Cocky Puck his behaviour was despicable for throwing his friend under the proverbial bus. It was a lose-lose situation for old JJ.

Kaitlyn says he rmind isn't made up so she needs to talk privately with Chris Harrison. She tells him she doesn't want a rose ceremony. Nobody's going home. She feels too good about everyone there, including JJ. Everyone sits in silence. She stage whispers to them, "This is a good thing." But they can't believe she included JJ.

I think Shawn, Zed and Aitch should have protested because their roses from last week now meant nothing. One of them could go home at the next ceremony.

JJ tells us he's looking for a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. That's gotta be the first utterance of its kind on this show.

The gang is on their way to New York City.

Oh, thank God, we're going to find out about what Britt's up to. We were all wondering.

In New York, the date card arrives. It's a group date. As each name is read out, cheers ring out. Then they call JJ's name. Crickets. But in the group shots of them cheersing their glasses, he looks like he's fitting in. Maybe he's been humbled.

The surprise guest on the date is hip-hop legend Doug E. Fresh. I know very little about rap but even I've heard of Doug E. Fresh. I remember him from the '80s. Never heard his music, granted, but I've heard of him. He's going to teach them to rap for a rap battle.

It's going to be Shawn vs Justin. Corey wants to go against JJ. Zee is up against Tanner. Jonathan versus Ryan. They've got to be simple, to the point, and funny. Because rap is nothing if not hilarious.

JJ says he's "literally listened to zero rap" in his entire life before adding, without irony, he listens to Broadway show tunes "religiously." Come on, this is going too far. There's no way. Even people who love show tunes don't listen to them exclusively. And he tries to tell us he's not looking for a boyfriend. Good one. But still he's ready to "dominate" a rap battle. Cocky Puck comes by his name honestly.

Fresh introduces the "prize for the guyz and they will be mesmerized." That's how it's done, y'all! (He was talking about Kaitlyn.)

Zee vs Tissue Tanner up first. The jacked one says, "Even with steroids you wouldn't look like me." Tanner responds with, "She's too small for you, bro. She could fit in your pocket" and rhymes it with his "very tiny rocket." Boom-shackalacka!

Detroit Jonathan vs Ryan. DJ says, "Please take your ass back to Florida because I-I-I-I know she's bored o' ya." Nice one. Ryan's was so bad it's not even worth rewinding the PVR.

Kaitlyn tells us it's the worst rap battle she's ever seen. Which raises the question: How many rap battles has she seen?

Now the real battle: Beach Volleyballer Corey vs Cocky Puck JJ. I didn't catch all Corey said but his presentation – toque and swagger – was good. All I heard was "your boyfriend Clint." JJ was stiff but lost points when he told Corey to go back to his "NYC hoes" in front of a bunch of NYC hoes.

Shawn vs Balloon Boy Justin. Shawn makes fun of Justin's hair then delivers the knockout punch with, "You say you're a big time personal trainer. Kaitlyn: his body, my body – no brainer," as he lifts up his shirt to show his six-pack. I didn't get Justin's references but it seemed to score some points.

Sexy Fake Virgin, was in the crowd so after the show Kaitlyn rushed over to give her a hug, and managed to avoid getting mascara transferred on to her. She was there with Nick, from Andi's season. I can't remember if he was a good guy or a heel. Anyone remember? But Kaitlyn says they struck up a friendship over social media. She seems thrilled that he's there. More thrilled than with any of the other guys.

(I just went back in the Bachelor Blogger archives to jog my memory. Nick is the guy from Milwaukee with 10 siblings. I called him Nick the Prick and also Nervous Nick. He was one of the finalists. At the After the Final Rose show, he asked Andi why she made love to him. So he's a classy guy through and through.)

They go off together. He tells her the idea that she could potentially get engaged and he might not have met her bugged him. Flirt, flirt. She says her mind is blown and asks if he's going to stay. She wants him to stay, she says, but realizes it's so rude to the other guys. That always seemed like a bogus argument to me. If you're looking at this as just a game show, then it's not fair. But if the goal is for her to find true love, it's fine. All's fair in love and war.

She sits alone on the stairs and contemplates her situation. The night took a turn from a fun, casual date to a difficult emotional one. When she sees the guys, she instantly feels nauseous. Now she knows how we've felt all season long!

They're on a yacht. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, that girl. Shawn asks if she's alright. She says no. She tells them about Nick, saying she wants to give him a chance. The guys are thrilled, as you can imagine. Some of them remembered him. I find that hard to believe unless they're all buddies off air. I write about this show every week and I can't even remember who he is. They recalled him immediately. One remembered how he kissed and told, which is uncool. He was on board with the whole idea until he learned it was Nick.

Kaitlyn leaves the guys. Nick the Prick is waiting outside the boat. They embrace. I hope the guys are watching this from the ship. She tells them it's hard to do this four weeks in. He tells her she needs to do what she needs to do. They certainly don't seem like they just met. And just like that, they slow kiss. Pleased to meet you!

She says she has a genuine connection with Nick. She says they discovered it "shortly before" she knew it was a possibility for her to be the Bachelorette. How much of a connection can one get over texts? Oh, right, sexts. Forgot about those. Still, though, they hadn't met, or so they insist.

She tells him she wants to sleep on it and she wants to see him in the morning. Nick takes that as a positive. I hope it happens just for the fun of it. Nobody's ever brought back on this show. Or if they are, they go home immediately.

Kaitlyn returns to the future rejects. Justin tells her one more guy isn't going to affect him. It's her journey and they're all just along for the ride. Good on him. The more the merrier, he says.

She has a rose to give out and gives it out to Justin, naturally. He played that perfectly. Tanner thinks it might be the most meaningless rose in the history of the show, given what went down. No, given what went down, last week's roses were the most meaningless because there was no rose ceremony. The guys return to the hotel and inform the others of the turn of events. Steel Rose Joshua channels his inner Norm Macdonald and says, "Mother of God! Another dude?!"

On a snowy morning, Kaitlyn calls her not-so-secret love, Nick. She tells him, not so convincingly, that she has some "serious relationships with these guys. Relationships have developed and some are pretty intense." She tells him this isn't something to talk about over the phone; she'd like to meet in person. Of course she would. She's going on her one-on-one, she tells him, but is getting her hair done so he should meet up with her then. Nothing like a pre-date rendezvous with a paramour. What better way to prepare for a one-on-one with another man?

She wants to have manners and not disrespect the other guys, but on the other hand, this is something that's going to affect the rest of her life so she's torn. She just needs to talk to somebody. So she talks to Crazy Ashley, who's a hair dresser, while she's doing Kaitlyn's hair. She tells Kaitlyn what she's feeling with Nick is just lust and it'll fade. Ah, the wisdom of crazy people. Now Kaitlyn's more confused than ever. She knows the difference between lust and love, she thinks. So what's she saying? That she loves Nick? She's in deeper than we've been let on.

With her hair done (I guess), she goes to her rendezvous with Nick. They stare at each other for a while. He tells her he's not here to be the villain; he's there for her because he wants to get to know her more. She says the kiss on the pier was "undeniable." He described it as "not terrible." She tells him that she needs to be selfish and she'd regret if she let him go. He's psyched. He says he hopes the guys can respect why he's there. I'm sure they can.

They slow kiss again in the street. And then she goes on her date with Love-Man Jared.

It's a formal affair at the Met. He tells her she looks amazing. She says nothing in return. She tells us it's a hard night because she's so stressed out about the Nick sitchy-ation. All she can think about is that.

Over dinner, she asks how Jared is feeling about Nick joining the gang. Because there's nothing a dude likes more on a date than talking about another dude. He says no matter what happens, it doesn't change how he feels about her. Good answer. That warms her up a bit. Then he pulls out a poem. It's been a few seasons since we've had that. I still hate it. But they kiss, she gives him a rose, and they kiss again, so what do I know? So far, bad poetry has a 100% success rate with the ladies in this franchise.

They get a note from, ostensibly, Chris Harrison (but it's really the producers). It says if they want to continue, there's a limo outside waiting for them. What are they going to say? Of course they take it. And it takes them to a waiting helicopter! This really is a throwback season. First the horrible poetry, now the chopper! (Commenter Anonymous from last week, you got your wish!)

They fly around the Statue of Liberty and between high rises. She's having such a great time she thinks, "Maybe I don't need Nick." But it's fleeting.

Kaitlyn tells the guys her decision the next morning. Nick's going to be moving in tonight, but no date this week. It's just a decision she has to explore but it doesn't take away anything she has with anyone. Then she mutters, "I do not like the energy right now in this room." Yeah, the men should have been giddy with excitement.

She has to follow her heart no matter how hard it is. The guys are determined to make the best of it.

She tells the group date that singing, dancing and musicals are a big part of her life. Who knew? They walk into a theatre to see an Aladdin rehearsal. Turns out Kaitlyn's obsessed with the musical. The guys have to go through a real Broadway audition. JJ's going to be so jealous! Moonshine Joe says singing and dancing are not his strong suit. The winner will be cast and make their debut in front of 1800 people that night. The other fellas go back to the hotel.

Lots of jazz hands in the dance rehearsal.

The singing audition is next. Joshua doesn't even like his talking voice. His singing voice is bad, too. But not as bad as Joe, who doesn't even try. Run Ian Run can carry a tune. "I'm a man of many talents and singing's one of them," he said. The judges think he was singing too much, rather than connecting with Kaitlyn.

Then comes Dr. Cupcake, who admits he's sung A Whole New World before in the shower and the car. And he already looks like a Broadway actor so this is his to lose. His singing is quite awful but he gives it his all. Tough choice for the judges but they give it to Dr. Cupcake because they didn't want a black man on stage, clearly. Ian could sing, Cupcake can't.

Kaitlyn and Cupcake get in their Aladdin costumes and prepare to hit the stage in front of a sold out audience. They walk out, stand there and smile, then walk off. No singing or dancing. Who normally has that part? That's got to be the easiest job on Broadway.

I see by the old clock on the TV set, there are but a few minutes left. Certainly no time for a rose ceremony. Again.

Nick rolls his bag through Times Square. He's ready to face the gauntlet just for the chance to get to know Kaitlyn. It's worth it to him. Plus, don't forget, more network TV face time.

Kaitlyn and Cupcake walk through the streets hand in hand. I was thinking they were going to run into Nick. But they don't. They walk up some stairs, and up, and up, until they get to the New Year's Eve ball. She kisses Cupcake quickly and gives him the rose. Then a longer kiss, but lacking the passionate kiss she gave Nick.

We take the long elevator ride with Nick and watch him walk down the hall to his/their room. "What's up, guys?" he says. And... scene.

So no rose ceremony. And judging by the upcoming highlights, next week is going to be a doozy, with the guys going after both Nick and Kaitlyn. Well, some of them, anyway. I hope she keeps him around.

The addendum was Britt and Brady as they romp on the beach. She says she's proud to call him her boyfriend. Okay, enough already.

1 comment:

Barbara said...

Well, I guess the more the merrier,but I have to hope this is a producer's ploy. I just can't believe the coincidence of it all. I am anxious to see how the guys really interact with Nick. Well...they clinked glasses with JJ...so who knows. I too noticed the "thisclose" interaction...so funny on your part. I laughed all through your take on happenings. I like the scene by scene report, and also that it comes out the next day before I forget!
Hey fellow fans, I know you're out there, so more comments please!