Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Boys will be boys

Back for another week of Bachelorette Caitlyn... no wait, that's Kaitlyn. Sorry, there was a lot of news about another Caitlyn today. Got confused for a sec. Although... that would be pretty amazing to see Caitlyn Jenner as the next Bachelorette!

Oh, before I get going on the show, I mentioned last week that I had spoken to Nikki Glaser who assisted Amy Schumer at the comedy club last week (if you blinked, you missed her), but I didn't give you our conversation about the show because, well, I hadn't transcribed it at that point. But I have now. So even though it's old news, here's our brief chat about the show:
GM: You're going to be on The Bachelorette?
NG: Yeah, on Monday I'm going to be on The Bachelorette. Amy Schumer is one of my best friends and she did an episode where she teaches the guys how to do standup and she brings in three of her friends to coach them and I was one of those friends.

GM: I never miss an episode.
NG: Is that real?

GM: I blog about it.
NG: Oh, I love The Bachelor so much. It was a dream come true.

GM: I wasn't thrilled the Vancouver girl was chosen over Britt.
NG: Really?! Why?

GM: I just haven't warmed to her.
NG: She's pretty amazing. I couldn't believe they even entertained the idea of giving... I think they just wanted another opportunity to knock Britt down from her pedestal that she's been on her entire life. I couldn't believe that they even did that to her. That was so cruel. But I didn't want Britt as the Bachelorette. She's too perfect. You gotta have a little edge with your Bacherlorette or a little bit of relatability. At least for women. Britt is just like this angel that we've all hated since high school.

GM: But she doesn't wash her hair. She's not that perfect.
NG: Yeah, but no one really seemed to mind that. And it didn't seem to affect how gorgeous and how much Chris liked her until she was lying about wanting to live on a farm.

GM: We could talk about the Bachelor all day.
NG: Oh yeah, totally. I've been into it for the past three seasons.

GM: So you like Kaitlyn then.
NG: I like Kaitlyn. And meeting her, she was really funny and warm and nice and down to earth and all those things. She's cool. And I think the way that she interacts with the guys... If I went on that show, I would have a crush on one of them and then just not pay attention to the rest because that's how I operate. But she gives everyone equal attention, she's very flirty. She's a perfect Bachelorette. I think it's going to be a great season.

GM: And she has sex with somebody.
NG: Yeah, yeah. It's like, who cares? I mean, it's awesome but I didn't see the preview; I just heard about it. But the whole slut-shaming thing that's going on... Apparently she said I stand by what I did but I feel bad. I don't know what's going on. But yeah, I'm thrilled about that girl.

GM: Jillian Harris was another Vancouver Bachelorette.
NG: Oh yeah! Kaitlyn's Canadian comes out a little bit when she said something about being in 'elementary.' We call it 'elementary school' but I guess you guys call it 'elementary.' So I thought, oh, there's some Canadian!

GM: No, no, we call it elementary school.
NG: Really? What? That's weird.

GM: I thought you guys called it grade school.
NG: We call it grade school and elementary school.

GM: And we just call it elementary school.
NG: Okay. She just said 'elementary' and I thought maybe that's a... Because I know you guys say 'grade eight' and 'grade nine' and like that. That's always the one that gets me.

GM: But she did say Ben Zee instead of Ben Zed.
NG: Oh! I didn't know you guys said 'zed' instead of 'zee.'

GM: Yeah. Every English-speaking country in the world except the U.S. says 'zed'.
NG: Yeah, we're dumb like that.

GM: I bet the producers told her to say 'zee' so as not to confuse anyone.
NG: I'm sure. They're very good, those guys.

Not earth-shattering but keep in mind I wasn't talking to her to talk about the show. It was just an aside in talking about her career.

With that out of the way, let's go with Match-making for $100, please, Alex.

When we last were together, trouble was brewing outside when one gentleman was getting loud after getting sent home. I thought it was much ado about nothing but we'll see. Kupah is telling the producers, "Ask me the questions and let me go home." Kaitlyn to the rescue!

She says, "I could hear you screaming from the inside. I jut want to know what's going on." This quiets him. She tells him not to put on a different act. He tells her he didn't come here to go home. Unlike the others? Who goes there to get sent home. You've got no say in this one, Kupah. She tells him to accept it. He's creating an uncomfortable situation and nothing's going to change. He smiles and says, "I won't yell anymore. Promise." Trying to sweet talk her but she's having none of it. She walks away.

He turns to the camera and loudly stage whispers, "We're going to whisper now!" Then he says a few things I can't understand even on a couple of rewinds. Then this: "I honestly don't even like her right now." You tell her, Kupah! You can't fire me; I quit!

He finally gets in the limo. Inside the house, Kaitlyn tells us all the emotions she went through, all the way from "angry" to "very angry."

Kaitlyn takes the remaining guys inside and tells them she sent Kupah home because he was argumentative. Let that be a lesson to the rest. But then she says she wants people to be open and vocal with her. Presumably so it'll be easier to send them home when they are. Chris Harrison enters to tell them all it's time for the rose ceremony. A sombre mood casts a pall over the proceedings.

How many roses are being handed out? Who has one already? Why don't they do recaps on this show? It would make things easier for us recappers. Okay, I'll check myself... Turns out Zed the Bruiser, Rooftop Clint, and the Hockey Puck all have roses. The others go to:

  1. Love-man Jared
  2. Ben Aitch
  3. Shawn (nickname pending)
  4. Detroit Jonathan
  5. Tissue Tanner
  6. Dr. Cupcake
  7. Brian? Ryan? No idea who this is.
  8. Balloon Boy Justin
  9. Run Ian Run
  10. Steel-Rose Joshua
  11. Moonshine Joe
  12. Beach Volleyballer Corey
  13. Tony the Healer
What's up with that? The Healer? Really? She wasn't very convincing when she called his name. Must have been one of the producers' picks.

Going home are Daniel and Cory. She calls him sweet and funny and says she's attracted to him. We know humour is a big part of her life and it's something she wants in a mate yet keeps the humourless Healer around.

Was that it? Only two went home? Let me go back and check things out. Hang on... Yup, only two went home because Kupah left early. So they're down from 19 to 16. Tight.

Bright and early the next morning, two sumo wrestlers ride up to the mansion on what I can only assume are four very flat tires. They sneak into the house and for a second I thought one of them was the great Konishiki, that's how round this fella is. But no, they're just anonymous sumos. To me, anyway. They yell and bang a gong. Get it on.

Full disclosure: I love sumo wrestling! Love it, I tell ya. If we had a weekly highlight package of sumo tournaments, I'd never miss it. I even attended a live basho once. I will not be making fun of these finely tuned athletes. I hope this segment is what it takes to put sumo on the American map.

Byamba (aka Ulambayaryn Byambajav from Mongolia) and Yama (aka Yamamotoyama Ryuta from Japan, who was forced to retire because of match-fixing) are two legit sumo wrestlers, not just some fatties they called up from Central Casting. Yama, though, is the heaviest Japanese sumo wrestler in history (Konishiki, who's heavier, is Hawaiian).

Yama opens a scroll and reads off the group date participants who get to learn the ancient sport. It's going to be Rooftop Clint, Dr. Cupcake, the Healer, the Hockey Puck, Moonshine Joe, and Shawn. The boys first need to strap on their mawashi, aka butt floss. Out of respect, of course.

Now I get that this is American network television, but if the sumo uniform is worn "out of respect," how is it at all respectful to pixilate their backsides? What are they pixilating? Butt cheeks! Kaitlyn calls them thong man-diapers but still thinks they're sexy. What does that say about her?

JJ the obnoxious Hockey Puck with the equally obnoxious shoulder tattoo comments on the Healer's "non-existent" ass. But Joe's boys were front and centre apparently. They, I understand, require pixilation. Kaitlyn told him they had just taken their relationship to a new level because she's "seen everything Joe has to offer."

This might have been the first group date in history where the non-date guys were present.

Rooftop Clint mentions in passing he has a background in wrestling. His face looks it, now that he mentions it. He thinks it will help him immensely... that is, until he meets up with the even more immense Byamba, who dispatches him in about a second.

Byamba, in fact, throws all comers out of the ring. Then it was the Healer's turn, who looked much too confident considering what he just witnessed. He said, "You want to see a fight? I'll give you a fight." He's got his hair in a top mini-ponytail, looking like a sumo. He says, "Typically I'm a pretty peaceful, balanced guy, but I don't think these guys know who they're fucking with. I would be absolutely fucking terrified if I were this other guy right now." Cut to commercial to build the fake tension.

Byamba toys with him for maybe ten seconds before the Healer slips and loses. He walks off sulking. Kaitlyn follows after him asking if he got injured. He ignores her and keeps walking. She asks, "Are you gonna talk to me?" He turns back all hangdog-like and says, after all that talk about how the others should be terrified of him, "I think that having to show aggression on every competition, I would have much rather go on something peaceful and loving because that's who I am." Kaitlyn says, "Well, you didn't have to do that." He replies, "No, I'm here for you, Kaitlyn, I really am. And I want to be here. I want to show you the multiple sides of me. I view the world through the eyes of a child." (This is a good thing?) "I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy and I want you to see all those many sides of me. Can we not just do something fun? How come it always has to be around aggression?" He says this standing there in his mawashi.

Fun guy, right?! Now I see why Kaitlyn gave him that rose!

She tells him she has a very adventurous fun side. She said, rightly, it wasn't about violence to her. She just thought it would be a fun way to laugh at themselves and then later sit down and have a conversation. This is where any normal guy would nod and say they over-reacted. But the Healer is no normal guy. He maintains that they could have fun in a non-violent way. "Am I the only one who sees that there are many other ways to connect and to have fun? Can we not, say, take a boat ride? Or go sky-diving?"

The Hockey Puck enters into the fray, telling the Healer he's stressing Kaitlyn out. The peaceful, loving Healer points his finger and says, "You get the fuck out of here right now."

The other guys think the Healer is nuts, but they thought JJ the Puck shouldn't have gone over and added fuel to the fire. Everyone goes to their corners. Kaitlyn tells the others she'll be right back. Sounds like someone's going home.

The Healer is sitting up on a balcony with Run Ian Run. Kaitlyn joins them and says she never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable. Aw, she's not going to send him home. Boo. The Healer won't let it go: "I have worked very hard in my advancement, emotionally and spiritually and physically. And I can't find happiness by reverting back to my primal instincts." Then he exhales forcefully. Run Ian Run calmly says they understand where he's coming from but he's not demonstrating it well. Nothing registers with the Healer. He continues: "I have a lot to offer and I just want that opportunity to show that." Then to drive his point home, he turns his head and hocks a loogie at the wall.

The reasonable Run Ian Run tells him he has more to offer than this and suggests he dial it back a bit. Kaitlyn reiterates that it's just fun but he never has to do anything he doesn't want to do. Instead of dialling it back a bit, he dials it up a notch and says, "I'm here. I still want to be here. But I want you to see the real me. The man that I am, the man that I'm capable of being, and the strength that I truly have, not to just have to prove myself for the possibility of a date." She tells him he's free to sit out anything and she won't judge him for it (meaning she will definitely judge him for it and has already judged him for it, as we all have). Then she hugs him! What the hell is she doing?! He tells her again, "I'm here for you. And I want to show you another side of me." He is scowling.

Kaitlyn wants him to take some time to think about whether this is something he can handle or even wants to do. What about you, Kaitlyn?! I don't think you can handle him and you shouldn't want him around. Kupah was sent away for a lot less than this nonsense.

Thankfully the Healer didn't spoil the whole sumo show. There's going to be a basho after all! Everyone else is game. Will the Healer be?

The men arrive in their robes riding bikes. I honestly don't know the connection between sumo and bicycles but it's adorable.

The Healer isn't one of the competitors. He decided to stay and home and simmer peacefully. It's a round-robin affair. The first match is the Hockey Puck vs Moonshine Joe. It's a good match, too! See, what did I tell you about this sport? Exciting, right? Joe takes down the cocky Puck. (I think I just stumbled onto a new nickname for JJ: Cocky Puck.) But actually, upon further review, I can't see how Joe was declared the winner. Cocky Puck spun him in the air and landed on top of him outside the ring.

Next up is Moonshine Joe again vs Rooftop Clint. Is this the same Joe? I'm confused. Clint picks Joe up a couple times and throws him to the ground outside the ring. Shawn says, "We get it, Clint. You were a wrestler in college. Take it easy, dude."

We cut away from the action to hear what the Healer has to say. He's still sitting on the balcony. He tells Detroit Jonathan, "If she wants to take me on a one-on-one date, then I'm more than willing to dedicate my time. If she wants me to defend her, I'll be more than willing. But this 'Who's got the biggest dick' contest is fucking primal and I'm done with it. Why can't we go to the zoo? Seriously. Can we go to the fucking zoo? Like, you know, imitate animals? Who makes the best elephant noise? I can't sit here and do this shit anymore. I'm totally done." He swings his legs back toward the house.

He packs his hockey bag and leaves. He wants no part of this. Verging on tears, he tells the camera, "I'm not a quitter; I'm walking away on my terms." He gets in the car and heads to meet Kaitlyn so he can (presumably) say goodbye to her in person.

Kaitlyn walks up in leather pants. He hands her a daisy, saying he picked it for her. Then he mumbles his mantra, "I'm here for the right reasons but I just can't participate in this circus anymore. You're an amazing person and I know for a fact you will find the happiness you so desire. But if you're truly interested in what's inside my heart, I'm easily found. So thank you for this time." And again she hugs him! What is up with her? She should have just turned and walked away.

The Healer's gone off to the zoo to make animal noises and Kaitlyn doesn't seem too upset. The post-basho party... Wait a second! We only saw two matches! It was good! Who won? Boo again.

The Cocky Puck is lusting over the leather panted one, but Rooftop Clint says he's going to play hard to get. It's the right move, he's convinced, after the date they had. He thinks if she's interested, she should put forth the effort.

After some alone time with the former investment banker Cocky Puck, Kaitlyn returns to the sofa and sits right beside Clint, and under his outstretched arm. She looks expectantly at him and he faces the other way. Shawn jumps in to take her away. Cocky Puck is convinced this is the wrong decision.

Shawn tells her he's never fallen so hard, so quick for somebody before. They kiss. She rushes off to get the rose. The kissing felt right and passionate. She gives the rose to Shawn and Rooftop Clint is frustrated. He says she had the time to grab him for a minute if she wanted to talk to him. For her part, she thinks Clint put in no effort and is trying to be too cool. But effort is a two-way street, m'lady.

She addresses Clint right there on the sofa in front of the others: "Clint, I don't know what happened to you today. I took you on the first one-on-one date and you ignore me all day and don't even talk to me tonight. So that's a problem." He just says, "Alright."

He tells the camera he's coming to the realization that Kaitlyn's probably not the right girl for him. He's under no illusions that the relationship is working out, but he's liking the relationships he has with some of the guys, especially Cocky Puck, who he describes as "a real sweetheart." And a bromance begins. Maybe even more than that.

Next up a twist: Kaitlyn gets a date card from Chris Harrison. He tells her to be prepared for anything. It's the same card for Zed. Kaitlyn didn't even know which guy she'd be going with.

Turns out they're going to a live escape room, which are all the rage these days. They'll be trapped in the basement with only one way out. They have to work together, find clues and solve them to get the code that will unlock the door. They open the door and pigeons fly at her face. Judging by her scream, I don't think Kaitlyn likes birds. It's her worst fear, she says. She'd rather be in a pit of snakes. She panics if she just hears a bird or it's walking near her.

A graphic appears on screen telling us that "The animals and insects have been added and are not normally part of this experience." Good to know should I ever decide to do one, which I wouldn't anyway, but there'd be even less of a chance with birds and creepy-crawlies. Because I may not be as terrified as Kaitlyn, but birds just creep me the hell out. When friends let their parakeet out of the cage, I turtle it when I hear those flapping wings near my head.

It's like a glorified carnival haunted house. There's blood on the walls and limbs hanging down. They open one room and there's the pit of snakes! Real ones. Be careful what you wish for, Kaitlyn. Zed is the one freaking out now. They need to find the password for the computer within 45 minutes or gas will be emitted. And the password needs to be at least six (6) characters. They find a black light in the snake-infested toilet and that's allows them to find the password: ROSES. It works! Even though that's only five (5) characters. Details, details. They manage to get the code to freedom just as the gas is pumped in.

Zed says they're definitely not going to have a bird after they're married.

Now it's romance time after that scary date. They drink red wine back at her place. He tells her he's not really afraid of snakes and she mocks him. He then tells her he hasn't cried in 11 years. Humble-brag. It'll happen when it happens, he believes.

They end the date in the hot tub where she gives him the rose.

The next group date is at an elementary school. She waits on a swing for the bus carrying the six gentlemen. They're going to be substitute sex education teachers. Because sex education isn't embarrassing enough for kids, let's get some amateurs to explain things to a class full of boys and girls together.

They're each given their respective lesson plans.

But before we get to that, let's get to the sex education back at the house between Rooftop Clint and Cocky Puck. We see them lounging shirtless on the couch with Cocky Puck's little cocky puck blacked out. They talk about squeezing each other's back zits in the shower. Then Cocky Puck says, "It was a beautiful snake, by the way. Like Mr. Perfect." It's described as a budding bromance but it's portrayed as something more deep and meaningful. Now I get that Clint was a wrestler. Wrestling has been described as homo-erotic before. Makes sense now.

Ryan is the first "teacher." Ah, so this is Ryan. Never seen him before in my life. Anyway, he grabs a model of the female anatomy. He points out the vagina (twice), the anus and the "butt." Nothing is pixilated. Yet male butt cheeks are. Go figure.

One kid asks about the "clit." It was bleeped out but I'm pretty sure that's what he said. Ryan repeats it and says, "If you want girls to like you, you should know where it is." Yes, just exactly what you would and should hear in an elementary school mixed-gender health class. "It's what's stimulated on the female and that's what makes her want to have sex with you again." I do believe some lawsuits will arise out of this by some angry parents. Then again, this is Hollywood, so maybe not.

Jonathan solicits questions. One girl asks what the four bases are. He explains. First base is kissing, second base is "a little bit of touchy-feely, maybe over the clothes." He's interrupted by, "What's a homerun?" Then, "How many positions are there for having sex?"

Ah, they're being pranked, Kaitlyn reveals to us. These are all child actors. Good one. Other questions: What is a wet dream? What's a condom? The thing is, child actors are still children. It's not like they can just forget what they heard.

Joshua then tells the girls that the lining of their uterus is going to shed about once a month. He demonstrates inserting a tampon on the anatomy dummy. This is blacked out.

Ben Aitch starts with a story. He tells them about two people falling in love. He tells them about the sperm's long journey to the eggs. He brings Kaitlyn up. She represents the ovaries. He represents the single sperm that makes its way to her. His presentation was clearly the best. And he was good with kids, too.

At the post-class gathering, Joshua says he was so shy in school he didn't have his first kiss until college. He had no idea how to approach girls. Kaitlyn is dumbstruck. To the camera she says, "Dude, you gotta step it up. Time's a-tickin'." No kiss this time, either.

Kaitlyn tells Ben Aitch he stood out today. He says he worked at a youth centre for a long time. He seems nice and sincere. They kiss and slow dance. He dips her back, kissing. "He's romantic, he's passionate, and he knows how to kiss," says Kaitlyn.

But back to the burgeoning romance between JJ and Clint. Rooftop Clint says he feels he's connected more to the Cocky Puck than he has to Kaitlyn. "We're just so similar," he says. "It's actually absolutely insane. I never thought I'd meet someone like that here. We've grown very close. Almost too close, I think, at times in the room and stuff like that. And the shower! The possibility of coming onto the Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind, but I believe in process and at this point I'm a success story."

Okay, this is interesting. Clearly there must be something up in the editing, but he very clearly said, "falling in love with a man." What is it? Clint seems to be the one doing all the talking. The Cocky Puck may not know what's happening.

I'm hesitant to even talk about this as a real relationship because we've been tricked too many times by the editors. But let's consider it for a moment before any revelation. It's inconceivable a completely straight man would go on the show and then just accidentally fall in love with another dude. A bi guy might, though. Maybe that was his plan. If you were gay/bi and wanted a relationship with another man, where could you go to be around 24 other hot studs day and night? Aha!

Kaitly, meanwhile, takes Love-Man Jared back to her room. He gets the special treatment. They kiss. "Everything Jared does makes him more attractive... Of all the guys, this one is a man and I just love that." Then more slow dancing to no music.

But only one man can get the rose and it goes to Ben Aitch. Love-Man looks hurt. But he says he doesn't need a rose to validate what they have together. That's right. He just needs one to advance to the next round.

Cocktail party time. With only ten minutes left, we might see another cliffhanger.

More with the one-sided bromance. He says, "This week things didn't go great. Kaitlyn not coming to talk to me. I kind of in the back of my head knew that she wasn't the right girl for me. But I love JJ. He has made my time in the house insanely enjoyable. So I need to get a rose from Kaitlyn, yeah." Um, what? I guess so he can be near his beloved Cocky Puck. But what if Clint gets a rose and JJ doesn't?

So with that, Clint is the first to take Kaitlyn outside for some alone time. She liked that. Showing some initiative! He tells her that during the sumo date, "that big boy adjusted my diaper so many times that my balls actually got lodged up inside of me so when we went on the night date, I didn't have the balls to talk to you." She laughs. He apologizes for his own insecurities. She buys it. Then he initiates full-on lip action. All good so far. Then he had to go and spoil it all by telling us, "I'm not really interested in Kaitlyn but I need a rose tonight."

Back with the Cocky Puck, Clint tells him, "It's funny how cute you are and how beautiful your jawline is." JJ laughs nervously.

Clint tells us yet again, "I love JJ. I feel I've connected with JJ more than Kaitlyn. And I want to stay here so it actually made me want to fight for this more."

It's unclear whether this love talk is brotherly or carnal, but they're certainly leading us down the path that it's a sexual love.

The dynamic duo continue their cryptic talk. Clint tells JJ, "She's smart enough to know who you are and who I am." They clink glasses with, "Hey, villain's gotta villain."

The intense stare of JJ, the former investment banker, is disturbing. He says the other guys are just lemmings "and one by one they'll walk right off the cliff because I'm chasing them." And this, "I feel like it's boys versus men right now and I'm dealing with a bunch of JV croquet players." Good thing his kid is too young to watch this. But we do have an idea why he's single even though he has a three-year-old.

It's pretty clear now that JJ the Cocky Puck and Rooftop Clint are plants. Joshua tells Kaitlyn these two are bad news, but he's not the only one. She says she's heard those names from others and implies that she's going to send them packing. She moves with purpose.

She grabs Clint and leads him out. Her voice-over says he's "one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history." And... cliffhanger.

From the upcoming highlights we see that she does kick him out and he comes back and confronts the guys. Hey, villain's gotta villain!


Anonymous said...

Always enjoy your updates!
I've watched this show from SEASON 1...cried over the wedding of Trista and Ryan and much more....but I've got to say....this season may be the LAST one for me! I hate to sound like the whiner The Healer, but I AM NOT enjoying this season's dates! I thought the boxing date was pretty horrible...having the guys beat each other up with boxing gloves, but then SUMO WRESTLING and the nothing-but-embarasing sex education prank.....good grief. I say FIRE ALL THE PRODUCERS or whoever comes up with this non-entertaining, stuff and ramp it up with some non-violent, no-harm-to-the-children ways for the home crowd to get to know the characters. I'd even settle for a helicopter trip at this point. What do you think, GM? Am I totally off-base here?

Guy MacPherson said...

Not off-base, but don't leave us! It's just as fun to hate it as to love it.