The Bachelorette, episode 4: I smell a rat

Yo, yo, yo, homies. This week, my home girl Jill brings her fellaz to the old 604. Fo shizzie.

What?

Nevermind.

So anyway, we’re in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada this week. I’m here every week, but this week Jillian brings her 13 American boyfriends to the great wet northwest. (Actually, my dear American readers, that’s always been a pet peeve of mine. We’re not technically in the Pacific Northwest. Vancouver is in the southwest of Canada. Continentally, we’d be in the Pacific midwest – Alaska would be the northwest. But I digress.)

Jillian couldn’t wait to show the guys what Vancouver’s all about. Here’s the thing. I’ve been living in Vancouver for 16 years and came here regularly throughout my childhood. Yet I haven’t done a single thing these guys did in one episode. Curling? Kayaking? Grouse Mountain? Lucky, lucky gobble guts!

Kiptyn (by the way, is that a real name? I’ve never heard it before. I keep wanting some one to say “Aye aye, Kiptyn!”) gets the first one-on-one date. Jake is all excited. He tells Kiptyn, “She likes the nice guys. Finally a girl that likes the nice guys!” Explain Wes, then.

The date card reads, “Let’s cook up some love Vancouver-style.” What the hell is that? Does Vancouver have a style?

He either gets a rose or goes home. But we know how these things work by now. The one-on-one date is always someone the Bachelor/ette really likes. It’s the two-on-ones where they select someone they already want to get rid of.

So Jillian and Kiptyn go kayaking to the Granville Island Market. They paddle under the Burrard St. bridge. I did walk across said bridge this very Monday. And, truth be told, I have been to the market. But I didn't know they sell homemade tortellini until Jillian said so. I’ll have to go get me some. I love me some tortellini. That must be what she means by Vancouver-style.

This was the date. Shopping, then cooking at home with her man. While taking a break from the rigours of shopping, Jillian says she volunteers for Big Brothers. I tried to do that once, but never followed through. What could she do, though? Wouldn’t she be with Big Sisters? Or was it just another group dating thing? Maybe she likes younger men.

While she’s slaving over the hot oven, Cap’n Kiptyn holds her from behind and starts kissing her neck. He wants to contribute, too, afterall. She tells the camera that was her favourite part of the night. She kind of choked up a little when she said it, too. Needless to say, Kiptyn is rosed.

The group date consists of winemaker Jesse, foot freak Tanner (no initial this week because he’s the only Tanner left), Gentleman Jake, bartender Robby, country crooner Wes, Greg Brady lookalike Ed, breakdancer Michael, bespectacled Reid, smoooooth Juan, and fiery David. They go... curling. Yes. Curling. Because when I think of Vancouver, I think curling. I don’t even know where you can curl in Vancouver. I’ve never curled in my entire Canadian life. Maybe Jill wanted to see the guys work a broom.

But the guys fall over themselves in excitement when they step out of the limo. And that’s even before they stepped on the ice. Seriously? Curling? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Worst. Season. Ever. Curling is the country music of the Olympics.

To make matters interesting, the group splits up and plays a game. Match? Round? I have no idea. The blue team consists of Wes, Ed, Reid, Mike and Tanner. The red team is Juan, David, Jesse, Jake, and Robby. Juan and David are on the same team but nothing good happens. No arguments or stare-downs. Jesse throws a perfect shot and the reds get to go out to dinner with Jillian while the blues get the blues back at the hotel.

We get reacquainted with Jesse. I honestly couldn’t remember who this guy was. But he’s the winemaker. I thought for sure he was a paperboy judging from his headwear. Michael has a man-crush on him, saying Jesse’s good at everything and is a really cool guy. He must be because he says he’s going to become a Canadian citizen, winning the hearts of Canadians everywhere. Unless he turns out to break Jillian’s heart.

They have dinner on an old boat, eating crab. Yet another thing I’ve never done. Eating crab, that is. Can you believe it? It’s true. After dinner, David continues his obsession with doing tequilla shots, but nothing comes of it. We’ll never know if Juan faked it again. Why can't they ever follow through with anything?

Jake is on cloud nine. For once a girl who likes the nice guys. Because he’s a good catch, he says. A nice guy. Oh, poor Jake. No woman will choose the nice guy if a bad boy comes a-courtin’. She tells him she thinks he’s so perfect and he beams. But she doesn’t want perfect. She wants him to be himself. But what if he really is perfect? Perfect is just code for “boring”.

Poor Gentleman Jake has been labelled perfect his whole life. He asks David if he’s too perfect. Compared to David, Jon Gosselin is perfect. David says he thinks she likes bad boys, of which he is a charter member.

Which brings us to her little meeting with David. Jillian wanted to see that David had a soft side. David tells her her ass is fantastic and “fucking hot”. He goes in for the kiss and she stops him. Jillian stops him. Jillian Harris. The Jillian who’ll kiss anybody. Yeah, that one. Priceless. At least she’s a bit discerning. Jillian felt disrespected.

But Delusional Dave says, “I think she is into me. She’s just holding back. Absolutely she’s challenging me. I think she was testing me and I love it. Game is on!” I love it.

When all is said and done, paperboy Jesse gets the rose.
Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date between baseball camp owner Mike and pizza dude Mark. Mark has a different look every time I see him so I never quite know who he is. On this date, Mike does all the talking. On their helicopter ride over Vancouver (yet another thing I’ve never done), Mark is off to one side, Jillian on the other with Mike in between. At dinner, Mike is toasting and laying everything out there. Mark is uneasy, awkward. Good for him.

Mark says he’s guarded, like a quarterback behind a line of men. I think the correct analogy would be like a curling stone behind a line of other curling stones.

I would have loved for this date to be between David and Juan. The producers were asleep at the helicopter wheel.

The helicopter takes them to Grouse Mountain. Guess what? Never been there. I live maybe 10 minutes from the place (I think). Alone with each of them, Jillian hears from Mike that he’s not the most successful, nor the most talented, nor the best looking... I don’t know what followed. And I’m sure Jillian didn’t, either. She had that look of, “Yeah, you’re right. I never noticed that before, but you’re really not. Thanks for that. My decision is made.”

The quiet and undistinguished Mark starts in about a long distance relationship he had. I didn’t know what he was talking about. But it turns out he was cheated on. Guess what that means, people? He’s had his heart broken! Oh, say no more, heretofore undistinguished Mark. You’re now in the running.

Mark gets the rose! Mark gets the rose! Score one for quiet awkward guys everwhere! Mike gets the long, cold walk to the gondola.
***

Finally rose ceremony time. And rain! Finally something I’ve experienced in Vancouver. But as good as this rose ceremony was, it’s a letdown thanks to all those upcoming highlights packages we saw before every set of commercials leading up to it. There are no surprises on this show.

I will say this, though. About every other season they announce one rose ceremony as being the most dramatic in Bachelor/ette history. And they usually are as unremarkable as rain in Vancouver. But this one I’d put up there with any of the others announced as the most dramatic in history. And it wasn’t even announced as such!

I was hoping for at least one surprise. Like maybe Jake trying to prove he’s not perfect by getting stinking drunk and punching a bellhop. But no. It was all about trying to figure out which bachelor (Wes! Wes!) had a girlfriend back home. Tanner is the one who told Jillian, but he wouldn’t name names.

There’s a revealing moment when she talks to Reid. He tells her that there are “clicks” (that’s how Americans pronounce “cliques”), but then switches modes and tells her he wants to kiss her. She says he can but needs a random question first. (Huh?) He asks who her first crush was and she says it was a guy named Vincent who sang her a song. Oh. no. Why are women such suckers for such blatant and cheesy pick-up manoeuvers? I can't believe how Wes has lucked out.

When she talks to Wes’s cheatin’ heart, she says there’s no girl in the world who wouldn’t want that song he sang to her and to know it’s genuine. Uh, yeah. Why she continues to believe it’s genuine reflects poorly on her judgment skills.

Wes lies and says no girls want him. That’s a big red flag either way you take it, I would think. Either he’s lying, and he’s a creep. Or he’s not lying and he’s a creep. But Jillian apparently thinks differently. She likes his affection and feels really comfortable with Wes.

Tanner feels that he, Ed and Jake are all there for the right reasons. He said that with a straight face. I guess he’s capable of that when there are no naked feet in his presence.

Jillian tells the guys they’re not having a cocktail party anymore, then walks off. Mutiny!

Despite her tears, Jillian doesn’t want to cry over these cheaters. She just wants them out. Chris tells them if they have something to say, say it now. Nobody does, of course. It’s grade nine P.E. all over again. What’s interesting, though, is a few guys say, “I don’t have a girlfriend” but Wes just says, “I’m clean, I’m clean.” Technically he’s not lying because he had a shower before the party.

Meanwhile, Tanner is sweating like a stuck pig. In a sauna. In August. He’s freaking out at Juan, telling him not to look at him. But Juan’s just looking around. Jillian isn’t ready to hand out no stinkin’ roses to these chumps. Well, not until after the commercial break, at which point she’s inexplicably ready.

While most of the guys want the cheater revealed, David wants Jillian to disclose who the rat was. Further sealing his fate.

So, with wino/paperboy Jesse, awkward pizza dude Mark and Cap’n Kiptyn all with roses, there are seven more to hand out. Two bachelors go home. The roses are handed out in this order:

1. Bespectacled Reid
(Jake isn’t looking confident)
2. Bartender Robby
3. Greg Brady look-alike Ed. So far all good guys.
4. Breakdancing Michael, who does another faggy dance move.
5. Cheatin’ Wes
6. Gentleman Jake, who finally smiles
7. Tanner the rat

The people have spoken! Our poll last week showed that the people (well, 13 of them, anyway) wanted both Juan and David gone. The allegations appear to have hurt the smooth one. He seems to be the kind of guy who would be working two or more women at once. But he wasn’t. He tells us he definitely doesn’t have a girlfriend and there’s nobody waiting for him back home. He heads out to the pouring rain and catches a cab back to Argentina.

I was hoping David would kick his ass on the way out. But no. They left in separate taxis. David thinks Juan ratted him out. Of course he does.

Next week, they go to Whistler! I’ve been there! Three times! There, Jillian will experience the shock of a lifetime. And cry. Things are heating up in the snow.