The Bachelorette, episode 3: Oh Jill!

First off, let me say I’m heartened by the results of last week’s poll. Even though I’ve been thinking it’s the worst season ever, I don’t want it to be. And I’m glad that the majority think it’s great. Because I have such a soft spot for little Jillian, despite her seemingly horrible taste in men and music.

Which leads me to this: I know people who don’t like her. Can you imagine?! I can’t. Regardless, here’s the thing. For me, it’s completely irrelevant if I like the protagonist of the series or not. There have been seasons I haven’t liked the Bachelor/ette or the contestants. In those cases, I watch for train wrecks. That’s half the fun of this show. If I like the people, great, I can cheer for a match made in heaven; if I don’t like 'em, I cheer for the train wreck. It’s beautiful either way.

But on with the show!

After a mercifully (and surely record-breakingly) brief highlight package, we meet up with the guys in the stinky bunkhouse and they learn of the week’s plans. Two individual dates and one massive group date. If you don’t get a rose on your one-on-one date, you’re going home. Four fellas would go dateless, with three of them being virtually invisible this episode. The fourth, David, would be anything but.

Easy Ed gets the first date. The 29-year-old technology consultant learns that “love can be dangerous”. His bunkmates don’t take him for a dangerous dude. But another Amazing Race rip-off proves otherwise, as he and the adrenaline junkie Jillian rappel down the side of a Los Angeles tower after the ubiquitous and perfunctory helicopter ride. What would a Bachelor/ette season be without a helicopter ride? Original, maybe. But other than that, I mean?

“Big, strong, bulky, hunky” Ed shows he’s got a decent sense of humour. As he’s hanging off the side of the building, he says, “You better give me a rose.” No kidding. If that were me... well, first off I wouldn’t have stepped onto the 'copter. But if I did, at the point I was told we’d be descending the rope off the building, I’d walk. And Jillian would love that about me and give me the rose and we’d live happily ever after... But I digress.

But down they go. Wearing, for some reason, a helmet. Were they expecting a meteor shower? That’s all I can think of. Because I can’t think it would do any good if they fell 30 stories. Even if they landed on their head. It reminds of Jerry Seinfeld’s bit on parachuting with a helmet: At that point, the helmet is pretty much wearing you for protection.

But they conquered their “fears” (even though they didn’t look fearful at all) and it brought them closer together. Although they looked plenty close enough even before that on their chopper ride. But whatever. At the post-stunt pool, Jillian straddles Ed. Oh yeah, he’s getting a rose. And an boner.

On their romantic rooftop dinner, Jillian, the jokester, says, “I love that I popped your helicopter cherry.” That's my Jillie! Completely sex-obsessed.

To unwind, Easy Ed reveals that he loves to meet up with friends, drink and let out his inner Elton John. Yes, Ed loves karaoke. I respect that. Jill admits that she can’t carry a tune. That kind of explains her love of country music, doesn't it?

While sitting talking (he’s so easy to talk to!), they interlock fingers. Her mind is clearly somewhere else. Like, in the boudoir. She experiences a brain cramp so goes to the default kiss. And they kiss. And kiss some more. The funny Greg Brady look-alike then deadpans, “What were you going to say?”

But a warning sign: When Jill asks if he has any questions for her, all he can come up with is to ask if he’s going to get a rose. Come on, dude, if you can’t read all that, you don’t deserve a rose. But he gets one. And they make out on the roof. As they get into it, the loose Jillian slyly places Ed’s hand on her hip, guiding him all the way. That girl knows what she wants.

***

Next up is the populous group date, where eleven guys show Jillian “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” Oh good, another country and western theme... Worst. Season. Ever.

Not only that, it’s another lame acting date. Last season, it was a soap opera. This time it’s a horse opera. Yippee!... Ugh. What do these dates accomplish, other than a whole lotta lip time for lucky Jill? Well, she says she wants to see if they’re good sports. Fair enough, I guess. But do they even make westerns any more? Jillian drives another stake through my heart saying she loves westerns.

The cowboys are Reid, Wes, the two Mikes, the two Tanners, Mark, Brad, Robby, Kiptyn and Juan. I will admit that seeing nerdy Brad as a badass was almost worth it. According to Bradley, he’s no regular badass, he’s an “ultra-badass.” I think that means he's so badass that he's not even close to being badass. And what a lover he is! That kiss he planted on Jillian was steamy, was it not?! He wasn’t tense at all. His left arm was bent at the wrist.

Robby got all nervous, or so he says, since it’s been a while since he’s kissed a girl. But he plants one on her to remember. And remember she does, as Robby gets the rose. The real cowboy, Wes, tried his damnedest by playing hard to get for a change. He led Jillian away and informed her he was only going to kiss her on the cheek to get back at her for kissing every other guy there that day. That’ll teach 'er! She’d get another real kiss later on if she’s good.

Oh, and what modern cowboy movie would be complete without a Brokeback Mountain scene. Mike and Michael get the honours. They stop at a man-hug, which is all well and good for the homophobic Albertan, who claims she was proud of them but that she “definitely didn’t want to see them kiss.”

At the wrap party, Reid second-guesses himself. Should he move in for the kiss or not? Just as he’s about to, smooth Juan interrupts. But not so fast, says I. Sure, he was going in for a kiss, but did you notice Jillian stopped him by pretending to wipe something off his lips? I think Juan actually saved Reid’s dignity.

Meanwhile Juan goes for phoney gentleman points by making sure the Canadian isn’t chilly in that cold California night. He wraps a shawl around her shoulders. The guy is intensely smooth, the way he stares right in her eyes. Dateless David says he’d kill Juan. Apparently uttering a threat isn't against the law in California. Last night I was in the heart of Cracktown in Vancouver and a druggie yelled out "I'll kill you" to somebody. A cop was right there and twisted his arm. But say it on TV and you're okay. I’ll take Juan’s intensity over David’s any day. Why couldn’t they have done the Brokeback scene?

In the hot tub, that freak Tanner P. wasted no time in putting Jill’s feet in his mouth. Charming, isn’t he? Strangely, she just kinda laughs it off. I think it’s a reflection of the quality of bachelors that this freak is still sticking around.

***

The final one-on-one date is with Sasha, the 27-year-old oil and gas man, who claims to be one of the more well-rounded guys in the house without actually offering any proof of it.

When Jill comes to get Sasha, Wes greets her like a boyfriend allowing her to go out with an old friend for the evening. It’s Sasha’s date, Wes. Go practice a new song.

The two go off to a car museum because Jill loves anything with a motor, pounding that stake another inch into my sternum. Every time she reveals another facet of her life, I automatically become Laura Petrie, only the “Oh Rob!” becomes “Oh, Jill!” What’s the emoticon for a shaking head?

Sasha and Jill go for a cruise in a Ferrari. Sasha tells Jillian about his car crash that crushed his pelvis, paralysed his legs, collapsed his lung and gave him horribly disfigured ears. Jill looks like she wants to cry. But it turns out it's just because she feels guilty.

You see, the accident seemed to have broken everything but Sasha's heart. And this simply will not do for Jillian. So she sets out to be the first. Maybe it was all those mentions of a mythical unicorn (like there’s any other kind). He makes the mistake of asking about the rose, so Jillian says she’ll go get it to answer his question. He has a big ol' smile on his mug when she returns. Oops. You misread that, big fella. Good-bye, Sasha. The best part is she walks him out not to a waiting limo, but to a bus stop where Sasha hops onto the arriving bus to LAX. Awesome! Now the show is picking up. Thank God there was a cameraman on the bus otherwise we wouldn’t see him taking it, um, quite well, actually.

***

Meanwhile – get this! – it turns out Wes has written a song! Poor Jillian must have been feeling pretty crappy after having to send Sasha home on a bus, so that sweetheart Wes, who is NOT auditioning his music to the masses, comes by to serenade her at her window. He gives her a taste of that same awful song before inviting himself up, weaseling himself back into the house. They kiss. Yuck.

He says, “I’m gunna play it agin... because it’s the only song I know how to play.” He may or may not have said the last part. All we get to hear is the lyric, “They say, they say that love don’t come easy” with a twang so thick you could eat it with a fork. But use a straw... because it SUCKS!

The sad part is that Jillian thinks he’s really gone out of his way to show her that he cares about something other than his fledgling musical career. Oh Jill! (shakey head)

The freak, Tanner P., is jealous, saying he’s got other skills. Like toe-licking.

***

At the cocktail party, Jillian says how the previous night was really hard for her. Thankfully Wes was there to ease the pain. Only she doesn’t mention that part.

The drinks flow and Reid finally gets his kiss. And boy, does he! Jill really gets into it, too. I told you guys since last season that she’s a goer. Man, I can’t wait until she actually gets to know some of the guys!

David is getting pissed in every possible sense, guzzling back the Scotch and threatening smooth Juan. He tells Jillian that he’s used to being the top dog. Is it just me, or does he seem like the type to keep a very tight rein on a future wife? He seems insanely jealous over a woman he hardly knows.

As David’s letting it all out with Jillian, in comes Juan to interrupt. I can totally see the producers egging him on. “Get in there! Go steal Jillian away! Don’t be a pussy!” I grant you he’s a little too smooth, but the guys are saying that was flat-out disrespectful of him to interrupt David. Do they realize they’re on The Bachelorette? It ain’t exactly breaking new ground to steal someone away.

I’d love to know the behind-the-scenes ground rules. My guess is that they get a, say, six-minute grace period when they go off one-on-one and after that period, one bachelor is assigned to go and interrupt. Otherwise why wouldn’t we ever see two going over at once?

Juan brings out the Spanish and says something romantic-sounding. For some reason, the fake Argentine throws in a little Italian body language with it. Jillian loves that Juan is there for her and doesn’t get distracted by the other guys. For some reason, he reminds me a bit of Donald Trump. The guy has that unwarranted confidence.

At least Tanner P. supplies some comedy (which is why the producers keep making Jill select him). In a knock on Wes, he says he’s “not here for an agenda. I’m here to suck on some toes and to meet some Jillian.” [sic, if you can believe it!] He says he wants to get to know Jillian before he gets to know the feet. I shit you not. But, man, one look at her tootsies and he loses all concentration. The thing is, her feet aren’t all that gorgeous. (I know because I have a foot fetish.) They’re okay, but this guy has a serious problem. He actually says, “I mean, what other guy can say they have a foot fetish?” And he says he has no talent!

And we’re all set for “the most dramatic confrontation in Bachelorette history!”

***

David cannot let go of his hatred for Juan. “I’m not saying I’m the person for Jillian,” he says in the understatement of the year, “but Juan is not. He’s here for the wrong reasons.” That’s the go-to line if you don’t like someone. They must issue each contestant with a guide on what to say. It’s the equivalent of an athlete saying they have to give 110 percent.

Nerdy Brad, to his credit, tells Jill that David’s the scariest dude in the house. He’s right. I’m scared sitting at home in another country watching this. Maybe I’m scared because next week they’ll be in my hometown. Although I guess they’ve already come and gone.

David is yapping to some of the other guys that Juan acts like he’s too good for the rest of them and doesn’t hang out with them. Just then, Juan walks out towards them and David tells him to go back inside. Do you see the problem with that logic?

Or this logic: “You’re 35 years old. Stop being a cheese ass and be yourself.” David then storms off and we get the second warning sign from the previously Easy Ed. He looks at poor Juan and says he agrees with David 100 percent. But then he clinks glasses with Juan and says they’ll talk about it later.

I don’t care how much I liked Ed before. I can’t side with anyone who sides with psycho Dave. The best part is when David says he wishes Jillian could see what happened so she could know what kind of person he is. You know, delusional.

Inside, Kiptyn, who’s been pretty much invisible this week, sits down with Jillian. She feels butterflies when she’s with him. So of course they neck. That’s my girl!

***

Pre-rose ceremony time and Jillian says she wants to see if she’s got something with David. Don’t do it, Jillian! Turn and run for your life!

You could tell from her non-answer about nerdy Brad that he was toast. And he was.

The biggest surprise is that only two are going home. Get on with it, already!

But okay, with formerly Easy Ed and bartender Robby rosed, that leaves 11 more to hand out. They go in order to:

1. Jake, the invisible pilot. Good choice.
2. Reid. After that steamy kiss, sure.
3. Mark, the invisible pizza dude.
4. Jesse. Who? No, seriously. I don’t remember this guy at all.
5. The freak Tanner P. You’ve got to be kidding. Clearly a producer’s pick.
6. Cowboy Wes. She didn’t look thrilled when saying his name, though.
7. The Juan!
9. Michael, the goofy breakdancer, who does a “Pow!” after hearing his name.
10. Baseball camp owner Mike.

One left. Gentlemen, if you don’t hear your name, say your goodbyes and get the hell out. As predicted, it goes to

11. David. Oh Jill!

So Tanner F. goes home. There really wasn’t any room for two Tanners anyway. So she sent home the normal one.

And nerdy Brad, who I didn’t even recognize. I think he was drunk. When he goes up to say his goodbyes, he says, “Really?” Yes, Brad. I think you were the only one who didn’t see that coming. But he leaves giving it his best hangdog impression, saying he plans on being a drifter: “I don’t think anybody can relate to me.” Sob.

Next week, David makes his move. By the looks of things, Jillian doesn’t reciprocate. He says he’s never been turned down for a kiss before and she lies and says she’s not that kind of girl. Oh Jill! Just when I thought I lost you, you surprise me!

See you next week!