Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Bachelorette Canada: Butts and Abs

Late to the party again. What does that tell you? I'm not sure, either. I'm enjoying the season well enough, I guess. Just in no hurry to watch. But I'm all caught up. Here's what I saw:

The gang is in Montréal this week. It's a perfect place to fall in love, Jasmine tells us, just like she did in Jamaica, and I'm sure she will in Québec City next time. I predict a lot of annoying Benoit in this episode. It's his hometown, after all.

The date card arrives and Captain Canada is about to read it when Cocky Drew grabs it. He proceeds to tell everyone the one-on-one date will go to Chris. Chris is overjoyed and the other guys react jealously. Then Cocky Drew says he was just kidding. What a kidder! The one-on-one date actually goes to Nipple Ring Mikhel.

I guess it doesn't happen until the next day, though, because they needed to get a plug in. Jasmine enters carrying a cardboard carrying tray of two coffees from McDonald's (which, you may be surprised to learn, actually makes good coffee – and a lot cheaper than Starbucks). She brings the coffee into a sleeping Mikhel's bedroom.

The rest of the guys are treated to tasty croissants, also from McD's. A little over the top with the product placement, I'd say. Also, I'm craving a Big Mac.

Her date with Nipple Ring involves going into the city and defacing property. They're going to create street art, aka graffiti. Her idea is to paint a big rose on the side of a building. She's pretty good at it, too. No stencil or anything. Nipple Ring, on the other hand, ain't so talented. But together they produce a decent flower and cut out before the coppers can nab them.

At night, Jas and Mik hit a chateau. I mean, they visit it, not tag it with paint. Inside a quartet is playing and singing and the couple feels ye olde Bachelor/ette pressure to slow dance and kiss in front of the group. How awkward it must be to be standing there all alone pretending to like the band and making out in front of them. There's no crowd to hide in.

They also brought their swimwear because it turns out there's a hot tub in the castle. Then we get the two of them sitting on the ledge talking, each in their bathing suit. I wonder if the producers told them to.

Mikhel tells her he was born in India but moved to Canada at four months old. He says his parents are chill and his sister is a doctor so he'll always come up short in comparison. Jasmine tells him she loves his humility. That can't bode well for Cocky Drew. Anyway, she gives Mikhel a rose.

The first of two group dates takes a visit to the Cirque du Soleil creative studios, as you knew they would. Bien sûr. Four guys will perform for her, and the one who stands out the most will get a private date. And we know it's going to be Benoit, right?

Andrew (who I still haven't got a handle on) will perform on the trampoline/fake bed; Kevin "Rob Schneider" P. will do the Chinese pole; David the musician will work the straps; and Benoit will be on the bungee trapeze.

David has the hardest challenge. He feels like he's always getting the short end of the stick. Is that even an expression? Sounds like it, but as I write it I wonder how can there be a short end of a stick? Maybe he means he always draws the short stick. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Kevin P. goes first on the Chinese pole. Turns out a Chinese pole is pretty much just a pole. As Andrew says, it looks like he's been on the pole before. He knows his way around the thing. And no, he didn't shower after it.

Andrew jumps around on the giant fake bed and then off into a big foam pit.

David gets pulled skyward by the straps.

Benoit does flips 40 feet in the air then grabs onto a trapeze and manages to blow French kisses down to Jasmine.

She chooses Ben. Wha-? Rigged.

They go watch a Cirque show then somewhere else to talk and gross kiss. He's goofy and annoying throughout but she thinks it's the "Frenchness in him that makes him so expressive." She likes his quirks. To me, he looks like everything I hate about French comedians (Gad Elmaleh excluded). But now I see why they're so popular in Quebec and France. They love that goofiness, the clownish aspects of comedy.

He goes for a kiss. Looks like it could have been assault, but she calls it "intense passion," but admits he "could tone it down a bit." He is maybe the most aggressive kisser I've seen. She says she feels desired by him and that they have a good connection. Also, the more she gets to know him, the more she likes him. Basically the opposite of every viewer. She gives him a rose and he proceeds to attack her face again.

The next group date sees a 3-on-3 football match, captained by two members of the Montreal Alouettes. Jasmine says she's not that into watching sports but doesn't mind football because you can see their butts.

We got Team Hotties, with the Inventor, Captain Canada, and 8-Pack Mike (we'll get to that) against Team Naughties, with Cocky Drew, Giant Kyle, and Sexual Tongue. Naughties are the Vegas favourites due to the fact the Inventor (Chris) has never played sports before.

The first to three touchdowns wins. Team Naughties races out to a 2-0 lead behind scores from the Giant and Cocky Drew. But the Hotties come back behind the first career TD of the Inventor and 8-Pack. Nail-biting time.

The Naughties fumble a pass before Captain Canada (on a badly sprained ankle) manages to hold on in the end zone for sweet victory. Only it doesn't matter at all because Jasmine goes back on her word and invites them all along to the after party. Bogus.

They all go out with Jasmine, except Captain Canada who's getting his foot looked at. She takes Mike aside and tells him she's heard tell that beneath his blouse he's carrying an 8-pack around. Humble Mike hems and haws. He's not one to blow his own horn. She then demands him to take off his shirt and she's blown away. At once they go from friends to something more. Yes, she's that shallow. She's treating men like a piece of meat! She just wants to see abs and football players' bums!

Captain Canada, by the way, finally arrived in a walking cast. Hero.

Meanwhile, Cocky Drew seems to be mellowing. He tells the Inventor he should get the rose for stepping up in the big game. And there was no payoff guffaw. He seemed sincere. That made the Inventor suspicious. He vows to reveal the real Drew to unsuspecting Jasmine. Because that always works out.

The Inventor takes her aside and pops open some champagne. He butters her up by telling her she keeps getting more and more beautiful. She tells him she's blown away by him and adds, "and I'm not just saying that." The Inventor takes it in stride: "I believe you."

Then he gets down to brass tacks. He says to beware of Drew and tells her about the humiliating date card experience Cocky Drew put him through.

Jasmine tells Cocky Drew she's heard he might have been "bully-ish" with some people. He immediately fesses up about the date card prank, calling it a spur-of-the-moment practical joke. And he immediately apologized. He says it's what guys do. Donald Trump gets it.

Jasmine decides against giving anyone a rose on the date. And she leaves.

Noah (the host, remember?) arrives the next day to say forget about a cocktail party. Jasmine needs more time to reflect on what she needs to do. The guys are sitting around on sofas dumbstruck. Took me a while to recognize Cocky Drew. He was going incognito, wearing a black toque and big Elvis Costello glasses. Or maybe they were Ben-Wha–?'s specs.

At the rose ceremony, Nipple Ring and Ben Wha–? already have roses. Six more will be handed out. Three guys are going home. They go in order to:
  1. 8-Pack
  2. Captain Canada
  3. Sexual Tongue's Man Bun
  4. Rob Schneider
At this point she asks to speak to Cocky Drew. She wants to know if he's there for her, if he's serious about this for real. He says, "I like you and I can see something with you in the future but if you can't, you can't give me the rose." What a romantic.

She walks back out and hands out the final two roses:

      5. The Inventor
      6. Cocky Drew

Because the producers love drama. Remember, it was 100 percent their pick.

Going home are Musician David, Giant Kirk, and Andrew. David crouches down and hangs his head. Andrew tells him to get up, "Don't let her see you like that." Yeah, wouldn't want her to know you actually had feelings for her.

But all three took the high road and handled it well. Kirk said, "I have two cats at home that really need me so there's always a silver lining."

Next week they're off to Québec City, a bus ride away.

The After Show was pretty good, too. It featured Bad Chad, comedian Deb DiGiovanni, a Mulroney, and a superfan.

I have said (and kind of maintain) that the overly excitable "audience" is canned, but I've been informed by inside sources that there is, indeed, an audience, although what we hear from them is probably sweetened. How do regular Vancouverites like me get invited to sit in the studio audience? Maybe the audience is just friends and family of the camera operators.

In the show we found out that Bad Chad has been texting with Cocky Drew. BC sees CD's point of view. I can just see a spinoff series starring these two dudes.

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