Saturday, September 27, 2014

Bachelor Canada: The Whirlwind

I can't believe I'm two days late with this one. Just because the episode was only one hour. Take away all the commercials I fast-forwarded through and it was probably more like 44 minutes. It all seems so much more pointless than it already is at such a length but I've gotta say I'm liking it. So much less of a commitment. Just like there's so much less of a commitment between the various couples (except for Kaylynn, who fell madly in love when she stepped out of the limo).

Every season, whether it's The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, or Bachelor Canada, has some enduring word or phrase that pops up over and over again, from DeAnna's "hort" to Ali's "impor'ant" to Andi's "y'all". I thought Tim's thing was going to be "aboot" but that's moved to the background now. I do believe his thing is the automatic giggle. I tried to count the number of times his machine-gun laugh popped up but I couldn't keep up.

The first date card went to Kaylynn the ballerina. She was so excited, she was shaking. And that's even before she saw the helicopter. She's terrified of heights, you see. But she got on the thing like a trooper. I don't mean in a military sense. Like a regular trooper who goes with the flow.

They took a scenic view of Vancouver, flying over Lion's Gate Bridge and Stanley Park before making their way to Grouse Mountain. I thought Tim should have chosen one of the women not from the city but I guess even a local can appreciate the sights.

I was recently on Grouse Mountain. My son and I watched a helicopter taking off. So there is a landing pad there. So it was curious when Tim and Kaylynn had to take the gondola up the mountain. Especially since there's no landing pad on the bottom of the mountain. Ah, television. What tricks you play!

First question we heard Tim ask the Ballerina was, "Do you cook at all?" Good to get your priorities out of the way, buddy. Kaylynn is no Julia Childs but she can follow a recipe. I'd hate to be around if the recipe didn't turn out. Can you imagine the meltdown she'd have?

She told Tim she was raised "over the phone" by her parents, since they sent her off to a boarding school. It wasn't easy for her and she may have felt bullied. I'm not clear on that but that was the impression Tim gave later on, which we'll get to. What he gave at this moment was a rose. To her. He felt very comfortable with her.

And after this first date, Kaylynn downplayed it, saying it was "the most unbelievable connection I've had in my life!" Actually, that doesn't surprise me since she spent most of her life in a boarding school.

Before the first set of commercials we got the second date card. Told you this episode just flew by. This was a group date with ten lucky ladies. Prim & Proper Miss Natalie and the Cougar were not in the group and they were getting worried.

The group went to False Creek in downtown Vancouver. And this is where Vancouver showed its Vancouveredness: it was pouring rain. Seriously, producers, what were you thinking? One reason people watch this franchise is for babes in bikinis and you're filming in the winter? For four months of the year, it's nothing but blue skies and hot weather, yet you want to subject these delicate flowers to the elements? And deprive us of scenery?

They divided the women into two teams and they had a dragonboat race. In the pouring rain. I guess it was good for the requisite "I'm wet" comments. The team of April Burlesque, Jenny, Mexican Martha, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, and Pageant Trisha beat the team of Alison, Dominique, Lisa the Red, Dr. Renee, and Seashell. Quite handily, too.

The losers went back to the mansion while the winners got more time with Tim.

But first we got the third date card of the show – 15 minutes into the episode! It was another date card, this time for Christine, Proper Miss Natalie, Cougar Sonia, and April Beauty. And Kaylynn (of the only one-on-one date fame) called it her "worst nightmare – all this time to sit back and watch fourteen other women go on a date with him." Boo-hoo.

Meanwhile, the dragonboat winners went with Tim to the Sun Yat-Sen Gardens. They wore traditional Chinese garments. April Burlesque told Tim her stage name is Suicide Stacy. I guess guys find suicide sexy. Tim found her "very, very interesting." But he wondered if she was like that all the time.

Outside the room, the others were wondering if Tim was like that all the time, too. Or at least the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher was. They heard his rat-a-tat laugh and Rileigh thought he might be "putting on Show Tim." She wanted him to "cut the shit and connect." You know, usually on the American show, they'll say something like that but bleep it out, and if I can tell what they were saying, I'll just write it without the bleep. On this show, they don't bleep "shit." And Rileigh took full advantage. She said it several times. And "what the fuck?" which they did bleep.

But Rileigh wasn't talking behind Tim's back. When she got some alone-time with him, she said the exact same thing. She said she "can't stop being analytical." Tim told her it wasn't always useful and she should just shut it off. That made her think. "You're appealing to my smart side," she said. I tend to think brains are like beauty and sense of humour: if you have to say you're smart (good-looking, funny, etc.), you're probably not.

He gave the rose, though, to Pageant Trisha for reasons only known to Tim.

For the four-on-one date, Tim arrived at the mansion bright and early to surprise everyone. They were all milling about in the kitchen in their PJs. Sonia was probably not appreciating that, although there was no evidence. I'm just thinking any twentysomething can roll out of bed and look no worse for wear. But once you get up over 40, life begins to show a bit. Again, there was no evidence of that with Sonia. It's just an educated guess. And perhaps it was a reason Tim felt no chemistry with her.

The four would do a photoshoot for Flair magazine. Sonia, a lingerie model, should have been in her element here. Tim said she was "particularly interesting to me." He also described her as "more mature" than the others. And he didn't mean the others were running around shooting spitballs at each other.

He described the shoot with Christine as "terrible." But he still liked it. I thought it was terrible because it showed his godawful shoulder tattoo.

He nailed Natalie. No, not in that way. He said she "has a little veneer of properness to her." But she loosened up a bit on the shoot when they went in for a long, steamy kiss. Or as steamy as a kiss can be with lips pressed tightly closed. She called it a "most amazing sexual moment."

He called Sonia a bombshell. As in devoid of all firepower and explosiveness? Just the outer shell? Must be because he said there was "no spark between us." But we know that's just code for "I found out her real age." Because surely he doesn't have sparks with every other girl there. Yet he felt the need to send Sonia packing. He told her, "Sometimes you have to respect the chemistry that's there or not there. It's almost disrespectful to force it." Uh-huh.

But she's been around the block once or twice. So she took it well, saying, "No point trying to kick a dead horse." Or a really old horse, I suppose. She was happy she tried at all and left in the downpour.

After the photoshoot, Tim and April Beauty went somewhere alone but I forget how she was chosen. There was no rose involved. I guess he just told them. I remember Proper Miss Natalie was very happy for April. Such a polite Canadian!

Wherever they went, there was the requisite anonymous singer-songwriter to greet them in song. April knew the words to the ditty. She called it a "cute" song. She used the word a lot. In fact, if Bachelor Canada ever spins off to Bachelorette Canada (and is there any reason why it shouldn't?!), and April Beauty is selected, no doubt "cute" would be her word. The song was cute, Tim was cute, his kiss was cute. Yes, they kissed. She had a blanket and he pulled it up to cover her face and gave her a peck behind it. She said, "Oh my God, how frickin' cute was that?! He would not have gotten a kiss if he didn't do it that way."

At the cocktail party, Tim showed up wearing Tyler Harcott's dress pants. They had to be because they seemed about four sizes too tight. And Harcott didn't make an appearance at all, I guess because he didn't have any pants. Just putting two and two together.

Kaylynn, who'd been fretting ever since she got the rose on her one-on-one date, said she was going to "play it cool" and not be "the overbearing girlfriend." Good call. And good luck with that.

She said it's sometimes easy for her to "go in a crazy emotional whirlwind, and nothing good can come from that."

Tim revealed that his horrendous tattoo is actually a cover-up. That's an example of making a bad thing even worse. Kids, let that be a lesson to you.

For the first time in history, the Bachelor shunned someone wanting to "interrupt". Mexican Martha walked up to Tim and Christine and he totally shunned poor Martha. I've never seen that before.

Remember what Kaylynn said two paragraphs ago? So when she was talking to one of the Aprils and Tim walked up to them and took April away, how do you think Kaylynn handled that? a) with a shrug and a laugh? b) with a tinge of disappointment, or c) with a crazy emotional whirlwind?

Martha supplied some tough love, reminding Kaylynn she already has a rose and she has nothing to worry about. Kaylynn wasn't listening. She said, "I should just go home." At which point Mexican Martha very correctly said, "I can't talk to you" and got up and walked away.

Kaylynn didn't go home, though. She sucked it up and made it through the rose ceremony. Both she and Pageant Trisha had roses. Ten more roses went to:

  1. Suicide Stacy
  2. Christine
  3. Seashell
  4. Mexican Martha
  5. Dominiquetress
  6. Jenny
  7. Lisa the Red
  8. April Beauty
  9. The Foul-Mouthed Philosopher
  10. A relieved Prim & Proper Miss Natalie, who told Tim, "Don't do that ever again!"
The doctor and nurse were sent home, Dr. Renee and Nurse Alison.

But the drama wasn't over. Kaylynn still needed to officially break down. Trisha said, "Enough is enough. If you can't fucking handle it, go home." But Kaylynn was upset with Martha, for some inexplicable reason. In her mind, she turned Martha's support into bullying. She said she felt bullied by her for telling her how she should be feeling. She sobbed, "I can't stand bullying!" Oh this can only get better.

She told Tim, "I don't want you to think differently of me." He said, "I don't." Presumably because he already thought she was a nut last week, too.

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