BP 2, episode 5: Relief is on the way

One more week! Did we know this? It seems so sudden. But I'm thrilled. And judging by the lack of comments last week, you are, too. I'll take that as a vote against this awful show. (I refuse to take responsibility!) Why do I keep watching? Habit, I guess. And parts are fun. But the end doesn't justify the means.

This week the show threw its customary curveball. Chris Harrison informed everyone that from here on out it was a couples game. They started by making the competition a rip-off of the Newlywed Game which they called the Nearlywed Game. Yes, force singles to pair up for a game and insinuate that they're going to get hitched.

The game was fun. Or would have been had we seen all of it. We get two hours of nonsense a week so why not devote 30 minutes of it to the actual game? Graham and Michelle ruined it, though, with their winning strategy of agreeing on set answers for certain answer types. Do I fault them? Not really. In fact, I kind of liked that they showed up the writers and producers of this lame series. That's what they get for asking predictable questions.

There was some fun drama between the Drama Queen and her King Ding-a-Ling. It was funny not only trying to understand what old mumble-mouth was saying but also watching the subtitles only picking up half of his words. I pictured the editors running back tape over and over again trying to pick up what he was saying.

Basically it boiled down to King Ding-a-Ling needing to get laid and the virginal Queen having none of it. He ripped the ring off her finger in disgust and she went to pout in a bunk bed before his sub-titled sweet talking got her in the sack. As he rolled on top of her in the grainy footage, as an ABC cameraman creamed his jeans, Lady V sighed, "Let's just get it over with." Ah, sweet love.

You just know some rogue employee is going to one day sell off the dirty sex tapes they've got stored in a vault somewhere.

Graham and Michelle were whisked away on their date by a helicopter. I know. Hard to believe, right? But wait, it gets better! They got a sneak peak of What's Your Number?, a new movie starring Anna Faris (I just looked that up; never heard of her), while sitting in a hot tub. Graham was extolling the virtues of the formerly crazy Michelle, making her sound like any other normal person with fake boobs and teeth. I have my doubts.

Finishing second in the Nearlywed Game were Blake and Erica. The ditzy Erica actually got some decent lines in this week in between talk of her astrologer and her horniness. Watching her trying to bed Blake was worth the time wasted. She flat-out said she wanted no-strings-attached sex and he didn't succumb. He probably couldn't get the image of Holly sauntering by him in her bikini out of his mind. Neither can I, come to think of it. I said earlier that they should have devoted 30 minutes to the Nearlywed Game. I think they should have devoted the rest of the allotted time to Holly in her bikini.

Blake was the guy with the target on his back this week just because the producers can't dare part with the truly crazy and soulless King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen.

Holly was torn. Or so she said. Her heart is with the new guy, Blake, rather than with the known commodity, Michael. If Michael didn't play the part of the brooding, woe-is-me character, maybe Holly would see what she once loved in him. Yes, he's a good guy, but that gets old. Oh, and if he lost that dopey hat, that might help, too.

But while Holly is doing her own crying, telling everyone how hurt she was when Michael left her, she neglects to factor in the part where she broke off their engagement first. Why not call it a draw and live happily ever after already?

Blake and Erica were given two roses to save one other couple. But here's yet another example of shoddy work by the writers and producers. By all accounts Blake was the one to go anyway. So everyone else would be safe with or without the rose.

So who do they decide to give the roses to, saving them for another week? You guessed it: King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen. Because they're so trustworthy. Because they're the power couple. Because... the producers told them to. There's no other conceivable reason why this would happen. Zero.

And what happens next? Harrison winds up for another curveball saying that the women of each team must do the voting. Why couldn't they go in together since this is all about the couples now? Ah, where would the fake drama be then? You see, King Ding-a-Ling & the Drama Queen voted to get rid of Ella & Kirk, as did Blake & Erica. Which really isn't nice because Ella is a single mom trying to raise a 9-year-old son and can't do it on less than a quarter million dollars. So that was two votes for Ella & Kirk out of five.

Ella and Kirk, naturally, voted for Blake and Erica. So did Graham and Michelle, because Blake violated the Man Code (shout out to David!). That's two votes for Blake & Erica.

Now here's where the fake drama comes in. Holly must cast the deciding vote. What to do, what to do? She doesn't want to send her new love home yet she doesn't want to be disloyal to her team partner and former love. And she didn't want to send Ella home, either. Seems like a simple solution to me. She couldn't vote for Graham & Michelle or King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen because they already had roses. But there's no rule saying she can't vote for her own team. She could have voted for herself and Michael knowing that no one else did. It would force a tie between B&E and K&E, forcing the producers to come up with another one of their lame contests to break the tie.

But no, she went with her head. Bye-bye Blake (and Erica). Holly's heart hurt but she had to do it.

Next week four teams will be whittled down to one winner. Do we care who wins? Absolutely not. But if it's King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen I feel I must take a stand. Don't know what. Any ideas?