First episodes of any season are always a bit of a mess. We don't know who anybody is and future weirdos look normal at this stage and vice versa, so what's the point of writing about them?
|This season's bachelors|
So I don't have much to write about. Of the 25 contestants, I only sort of liked a few of them: Will, the high-fiving black yoga enthusiast, Drew, with the alcoholic dad and severely mentally handicapped sibling (so they have that in common anyway); Brooks, whose looks won't keep him around until the end but seems like a decent and normal guy; Dan, who I've completely forgotten about; and Ben, who used his son as a prop to stick around.
|Jonathan has so much to give|
Mikey the plumber doesn't have a moustache and is stockier, but he reminds me of Tom Selleck. Just me?
Zak wore no shirt coming out of the limo, nor throughout the whole night, because he's in love with his own abs, which serve to distract Des from noticing he's got nothing else to offer. Inexplicably she rewards him with a rose for taking off his pants and jumping in the pool. Which may go to prove my point that there's not a lot to choose from this season.
Diogo, who apparently was told it was Halloween, exited the limo wearing a knight costume. If the guy were a cocky blowhard, it would be so much easier to ridicule him. But he was a sweet, shy man who was obviously given some very bad advice.
|This one was better than Nick's|
I don't like the precedent Sean set by handing out roses willy-nilly instead of waiting for the ceremony. But Chris Harrison gave her that option so the snipped flowers were sitting there on a tray for all to see and fret over. I was hoping Desiree wouldn't exercise her right. What's to gain by handing out the roses early? If the person stays normal all night, they'll get one in due course. But handing one out early could lead to a disastrous results if the person goes on to get his freak on... Oh, wait, not I get why the producers like this option. I'm slow but I eventually clue in.
Brandon, the adrenaline junkie who arrived on a motorbike, gave Desiree a coin his mother gave him when she got sober seven years ago. But not to keep. Des had to promise to return it at the hometown visit, putting his wish cart before the reality horse.
|Dr. Larry in 20 years|
One other problem with handing out premature roses is it becomes next to impossible to keep track of who's staying and who's going, since they don't show all of them. I know that Ben, Zak, Bryden, and Drew each got one prior to the ceremony. That's four. And at the ceremony, she handed out 13 more, for a total of 17. We saw three exit interviews, bringing our total to 20. Add fantasy suite Jonathan and we're up to 21. But we started with 25 guys so I don't know everyone who's left and I don't care enough to go Bing it. We'll just catch up next week. Meanwhile, here are the 13 winners:
- Brandon, the adrenaline junkie
- Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers
- Will, the high-fiving black dude
- Juan Pablo, the South American former soccer pro
- Brad, who carries around a chicken wishbone
- Kasey, #baddecision
- James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat
- Robert, the sign spinning entrepreneur
- Brian, who wore a blue velvet jacket and jeans because he wears a suit and tie every day for work
- Chris, the Seattleite who got down on one knee and asked Des for permission to tie up his shoelace
- Mikey, the dimpled plumber
As for Michael, who searched for a penny in the fountain, Mike R, in the white lab coat, Micah, who designed his own patchwork clothing, and the horrible poet Nick M, I'll have to wait until next week to see which are still around. Or you could always tell me in the comments section! There's an idea.