Bachelorette Andi: The jock gets the girl

Okay, okay, already. Here I am. You'll pardon me, but I needed a full day to process. For weeks I've been predicting she would pick Nick. She didn't. Just as well. I didn't have anything vested in this season anyway. Not that I ever do. But this season was with a Bachelorette I had very little regard for coming into it and she did nothing to win me over. So big whoop. Plus, I don't read spoilers. There, have I covered myself enough?

... until you mentioned it

Chris Harrison told us right off the top that it would be a "dramatic ending we won't see coming." Well, thanks for that. That assures us that we will see it coming. It's only a surprise when you don't expect a surprise.

Also, since the story is in the editing, I'm sure we could have seen it coming if they showed us other footage along the way. We get the story they want us to get, whether it's accurate or not.

He then told us that the loser (although I don't think he used that word) stalked her (again, not his words) and she rebuffed him at every stage. Why would he tell us that up front? Makes no sense. Couldn't we just watch it under the guise of a regular old season finale, with all the inherent drama attached? Then – boom! – they'd get us good. We really wouldn't see it coming.

We start off with Nick's visit to Andi's family. He brought her dad a bottle of something to ingratiate himself. But he was nervous, a common refrain in this episode. Her mom put him at ease – and Andi on edge – when she said, "We all get nervous around Andi." Ain't that the truth! Andi shot back, "What's that supposed to mean?" But I think America understood innately.

Nervous Nick told Andi's mom he loves her in ways he never thought he could imagine. That is, he loves Andi, not her mom. She teared up over his declarations. That is, her mom, not Andi.

Andi was also cooing. She told her sister that Nick "sees my entire soul" and he "makes me feel like a woman." You know, exactly what you'd expect a woman to say about a guy she's about to dump.

When Hy, the dad, got Nervous Nick to himself, he asked him what he liked about his daughter. Instead of answering, he nervously asked for his blessing. In other words, he dropped his pants too early. Didn't answer the question at all.

Yet Hy thought Nervous Nick was "really impressive, honest and straightforward." He definitely sees Nick as a son-in-law.

The segment was very short as far as these things usually go. Given what Harrison told us off the top, we could see the writing on the wall for poor Nervous Nick. But he got a big send-off from Andi. Their kisses were long and passionate. You know, exactly what you'd expect to give a guy you're about to dump.

Next was Josh's turn to visit. Andi told her parents Josh is totally her type (because that's worked out well for her in the past apparently) and that he's from Atlanta (ditto).

Hy was laughing at Josh right off the bat, noting how hard he was trying to be relaxed and calm and cool, but was sweating profusely. Yeah, probably had nothing to do with them being in the hot Dominican Republic.

Andi's sister asked if Andi worried that Jock Josh wasn't sincere. She was at first, she said, but not anymore. And as long as there's no lie detector test around, you can believe that all you want.

I have nothing against Josh but I can't stand his confidence. In speaking to Andi's sister and brother-in-law, he sounded like a politician, so sure of himself, so rehearsed. Not saying he was rehearsed. I think that's just the way he talks. Words form perfectly in his perfectly coifed head and they exit his mouth in flowing paragraphs. Who talks like that? Deejays and car salesmen.

Hy asked Josh if he was concerned this was nothing more than a camp romance. Josh said it's a forever kind of love feel. And with the number of times he said 'forever' in this episode, someone should save those and edit them all together when he and Andi break up.

Hy showed a good sense of humour when he told Josh he was "by far one of the two best people" he's met down there.

They each got one final date, too. Josh went first, since he got sloppy seconds in the fantasy suite. Andi looked really comfortable walking with him to a yacht. Again, she brought up that he's "totally my type" and lives in Atlanta. She asks if it's "too good to be true." Yeah, probably. But you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

When he proposed a toast to them and their future, there was no moment of hesitation from Andi. Another hint that Nervous Nick would not get the fairy tale ending he wrote last week.

Andi asked Josh if he had any thoughts and he replied no. Which is just about perfect for the former jock. Of course he doesn't have thoughts!

But he did write her a note. And just to prove he could read, he read it aloud to her. I thought when you give someone a card, they're the ones who read it? Anyway, the icing on the cake was a baseball card he made for her. Well, a baseball card he got the prop department to make for her, anyway. It showed Andi with a bat in her hands. On the back, it had stats like: Games Played: doesn't play games. Errors: can't dance and swears too much. And Fun Fact: husband Josh has never missed a day saying I love you. Oh, that Josh!

And of course, he listed her as Andi Murray. Andi approved because "a guy doesn't put his last name on a girl unless he's ready." And is controlling.

Next was Nervous Nick's turn. And his nerves continued. That guy is a terrible frontrunner. Once the deal gets close, he falls apart.

They went off-roading. Buoyed by his time with her family, he said he's the most confident he's been. He sure hid it well. They drove to a secluded lagoon where they sat down for a picnic. They said cheers with a drink, he took a sip, and then left her hanging. She looked like she was going in for a re-cheers. But she seemed distant. Thanks Chris Harrison. I could have mistaken that for loving and sentimental if you hadn't have spoiled it for us.

She said spending time with him made her think of things she's never thought before. Like, for instance, how much more confident and manly Josh is. And what her M.O. would be in dumping Nick.

Going into the evening, Nick said, "If I don't know it's me, we're not getting engaged." He was looking for reassurance. He felt he got it.

That night he stumbled through a toast, very un-Josh-like. But Andi was faux-kind: "I love when you ramble," she said. The rest of the sentence she said silently: "Because it makes my choice so much easier."

Then Nick really shot himself in the foot. I mean, sure, Andi had Josh pegged from the beginning, but Nick made it way easier than it should have been. On this their final date night, when he could have been cuddling and making declarations of love and devotion, he said, "I wanna get engaged, I do, but I've been in that position before... and thinking it wasn't right."

A light bulb went off over Andi's head. "Aha! Thanks for the out!" she must have been thinking. But out loud she told him to turn his brain off. In other words, be more like Jock Josh. No thinking! (Although on Jimmy Kimmel later that night, Josh accused Andi of being over-analytical about things.)

Andi told him, "It's gonna be alright, it is." Then when he replied that he didn't want to be overconfident, she told him, "You should be confident." That was enough to reassure him. "She's giving me all the signs," he said. And I wouldn't disagree with that assessment. No, she couldn't tell him exactly what she was thinking, but she didn't need to give him false hope like that.

Now he started to show some confidence. He told her he can't wait to go grocery shopping with her. Not that that's his idea of fun; just that he was ready to get on with regular life. She asked what an average day in Chicago would be like with him. He replied, "Uh, I'm from Milwaukee." Actually, no he didn't, but that's what I thought. Anyway, he said he'd get up around 6. She told him not to dare wake her at 6. Then they'd go to work, come home, work out, and watch a movie or make out. What? No brother to follow around? Sounds ideal.

Then he gave her a gift. A necklace he got the prop department to make with sand from the beach where they first dated. Andi went with her patented, "Stop it!" It didn't have a picture of herself on it, so she didn't like it quite as much as the baseball card. Still, she told us Nick was "basically everything I've been looking for in a man." Except not confident, not her type, and not from Atlanta. Otherwise perfect!

Next came the soft core porn portion of the show, with the shirtless guys opening the drapes, leaning on railings, and on bathroom counters.

Andi had made her decision. She knew who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Oh, who could it be?! Thanks, Chris Harrison. No surprises here. Move along.

Nick said his gut tells him he'll propose and also that she'll say yes. Nick's gut talks too much, if you ask me.

"She continues to give me no reason to think it's not me," he said. It's a double-negative. Josh would have been more confident and positive.

Josh talked about the big days in his life. Did you know he was drafted in baseball?! Fun Fact: Andi's husband has never missed a day reminding her that he was drafted in the third round.

Another big day was playing football with his brother. Fun Fact: Andi's husband has never missed a Sunday going to watch his brother play football.

Oh, and today's a pretty big day, too. But Josh seems relatively grounded. He realizes she may not choose him. There's that confidence again. Confident in himself because he's always got his brother.

The ring guy came by Josh's place as he found the perfect one for Andi. Then Nick gets a knock at the door. He should have known something was up when it was a ring at the door.

It was Andi! I totally wouldn't have seen this coming if Chris Harrison hadn't told me I wouldn't see it coming.

We cut to the live studio audience where Harrison had to get the opinions of former contestants. Clare (of ocean-romping fame with Juan Pablo) said, "I wish somebody would have come to my door."

But the producers have to put a stop to this. It's never easy for anybody in the final two, and even harder for the person sent home at the altar. But many have. It's the rules of the game. While it may be gentler on them to cut the cord ahead of time, but only marginally so. They've already been strung along for nine weeks. What's one more day? I predict everyone's going to go this route in the future and I don't approve.

I forget who Michelle is or was, but I remember her to be a wacko. She interrupted this very tense moment to ask Harrison when he was going to announce the next Bachelor. The crowd chanted Chris's name. Harrison said the announcement would be later. But then he slapped Chris on the back and said, "Right?" I still say it would be a disaster. These woman love the guy like a brother, not a lover. He's a nice guy. He's solid. But nobody's hot for him. Are they? Hot enough to move to a farm in Iowa?

Back to Nick's room, Andi didn't seem particularly sad or nervous. She said she had been thinking about what he said about his last engagement when it didn't feel right. Yup, she turned it around. She's crafty that way. Nick looked confused.

He asked her when she started feeling this way. I'm not sure she answered. It wouldn't have been kind to say nine weeks ago. But she told him he over-analyzed everything. She felt life with him would be spent over-analyzing every single moment. How rich coming from her!

He told her he felt she took it too far. Someone else told her that, too, didn't they? He said, "Certain things I wish you wouldn't have said." Once someone dares to suggest she acts inappropriately, game over. We've seen that time and again. There was nothing left to say. Nick just said he hoped she was "a million percent sure." They gave a half-hearted hug at the door as she walked away in the rain. He went to his suitcase and threw all his old roses in the trash can.

I guess this means Nick's the father!

Driving away he said he feels like such a fool. "She asked me to trust her," he said. "It's hard to swallow. I really thought she loved me."

Harrison told us that Nick had been repeatedly trying to sit down with her and that "for some reason, she's refused." But all that would come about after the final rose. We had a proposal to get to.

Josh had his eyebrows done for the big occasion. He arrives and starts blathering on so smoothly and confidently. Shut up, already, I was thinking. She held his hands as awkwardly as she held the roses every week.

Then it was a procession of forevers and evers and evers. Uh-huh. Until someone leaks the results of the lie detector test.

So what happened to Nick? Well, as luck would have it, cameras followed him to Milwaukee. You know, the way they always do when a runner-up loses. Nick said the real world wasn't what he thought it would be. I think that means he hasn't been grocery shopping since the break-up.

He wasn't over her. His mom said it tore her apart watching the show. Their whole family, in fact. But knowing siblings, they'll rib him mercilessly. And he's got 10 of 'em!' No wonder he's all torn up!

Next we see Nick walking into the lot during the Men Tell All show hoping to get a word with Andi. But she "wasn't ready." So he left a letter. Who knows what it said because he didn't read it to us like Josh would have.

Finally Nick joined Harrison on stage, saying, "She gave me so many reasons to be confident." Get over it! I'm sure he's cost him a chance at finding real fake love again as the Bachelor with this moping.

Andi came out and they greeted each other with another half-hearted hug. It was a one-armer for Nick. He wanted to express to her how he felt and how she made him feel. But was this necessary? She's watched the season unfold on TV along with the rest of us. She heard what you told the producers. And frankly, you told them a lot more eloquently than you told her.

He fumbled around for words. I thought she should have said, "I love when you ramble." Then she could have made her point that she loves when he rambles, she just doesn't love him.

There was a good exchange when he started to say, "The hard part is..." and she jumped in with, "knowing I can't give that to you" and he corrected her with, "No, feeling that you did." (I forget what "that" was, but you get the drift.)

Remember when Harrison asked Juan Pablo about thirty times if he loved Nikki, the woman he chose? He asked Andi once if she loved Nick. She said, "No, that's why I didn't tell him."

Um, why did Nick not jump all over this? Why didn't Harrison? She didn't tell him because that's one rule that apparently is not allowed to be broken. A Bachelor/ette can not reveal his/her love for a contestant. She didn't tell Josh, either. So her excuse is just that – an excuse.

Or did she tell Josh?! Maybe she did and they just didn't show us that part. Is that the game? No, couldn't be because at the altar she finally told him she loved him and he was ecstatic, saying that's all he wanted to hear.

Then came the big kicker! He asked her, in his halting way, that if she knew how in love with her he was, why did she make love to him. Oh yes he did! I don't believe he did it with any ulterior motive. If he did, he's a good actor. I was wondering what the Republican Josh (I'm just guessing) thought of this golden nugget of information. Not only that his fiancée was sullied while she was in love with him, but that it happened the night before he got to sully her himself!

Andi told Nick that was "below belt." Yes, it was. That's where the naughty bits are. Right in that area. Only they removed their belts first, apparently. She said that info should be private. In his defence, he did say it quietly.

He pointed out that the night was "fiancée kind of stuff" and that he had told her that. That didn't stop her. She's gotta have it, apparently.

But the true Andi eventually showed up. Her back was up now. Someone questioned her morality and she was in attack mode. When she told him she let him go early for his own sake so he wouldn't have to go through finding a ring and making the trip down to the altar, he said he was "eternally grateful." She bit his head off with, "You don't have to be grateful. I did it out of respect." Yada yada yada. And then she got an applause break! I am so out of touch with that show, it's not funny. Was he the villain here? Is she untouchable? Do people still love her?

Then Josh came out. Oh, Nick had already left, don't worry. They looked happy and tried to one-up each other in the "I love you" department. Andi said Josh would like to get married sooner than later but she wants to "enjoy being engaged" longer. Doesn't sound like forever to me.

Then Josh joked that he was trying to get her pregnant. Yeah, so was Nick.

The show ended making fun of Andi's face, something I'd never do. Sometimes I want to make fun of someone's face but I just can't. I stick to their words and actions. But yes, I certainly noticed Andi's frowny face throughout the season. I didn't know everyone was talking about it. Then they introduced her to Grumpy Cat, whoever that is. Probably a YouTube sensation. At least that cat's fame will outlive Andi's.

That's it for the season. Now, what to do about Bachelor in Paradise? I can't imagine I'll blog about it to the extent I do the regular series, but maybe I'll throw up a few pithy comments each week. We'll see.

Meanwhile, thanks for the follows on Twitter. If you haven't already, I'm @BachelorBlogger.