Bachelorette Desiree: Have some Madeira, m'dear

Late again but whatchagonnado? I'm writing this from Seattle because I just had to come down here to get a better sense of the freak show that is Chris. Does everyone here speak in iambic pentameter? I haven't noticed any rhyming couplets since arriving. Maybe they're more into free verse and he's just a throwback.

Not much to write about this episode. There wasn't that drama promised last week with Drew. That'll come, I guess. Or not. You never know with these upcoming highlights. And that's exactly how they want it.

This week they were on the island of Madeira in Portugal. Another gorgeous locale. Des even got to invite her three besties from last season to come and give her advice. Jackie, Lesley and Catherine got a free trip and didn't have to do a single thing. They didn't even talk to the guys; just admired them from afar and cackled. That was it. Thanks for your help, girlfriends. Nice work if you can get it.

Tell me this isn't Brooks

First date went to Brooks. (Sidenote: my son was watching Home Run Showdown and the lead actor looked so much like Brooks I actually IMDB'd the movie to see if the actor's name was Brooks. It wasn't.)

Des and Brooks stood at the edge of a vertigo-inducing cliff. Not a guard railing to be seen. Later on she and Michael went street tobogganing down narrow city roads at breakneck speeds without a seat belt. Not that a seat belt would have helped any if a car came through an intersection. I guess Portugal isn't the litigious (let alone safety conscious) society North America is. Good Lord. Maybe that's why Europeans seem smarter than us – they let the dumb ones die doing dumb things.

Brooks and Des went even higher after that. They drove up the tallest mountain in all of Madeira, which may not sound like much but it was above the clouds. This afforded them the chance to break out the metaphors. She's "on the road to falling in love with him." They didn't just break through the clouds; she felt she had a real breakthrough with Brooks. And, of course, they were on "Cloud Nine." In case you missed it the first time one of them said it, they drove the point home by repeating it approximately nine times.

On their date, they were trying to come up with words for leading up to the love stage of romance. Des came up with: stepping, skipping, running, and going in for the finish line. (There was one more I've since forgotten, but you get the idea.) When Brooks asks where she is in that process, he's gobsmacked to learn that she's in the running stage. Gah! He's not quite there yet, he admits to the cameras.

Chris got the second date and they hit the high seas on a yacht. There were some softcore porn shots of them sunscreening each other. Or maybe it just seemed that way because I was watching in slo-mo.

Back on shore, Chris said, somewhat enigmatically, "You seem very independent. Which is huge." Huge? I think I know what he means. But huge? I guess it's hard to find a word that rhymes with 'independent.'

Warning: Contents may cause nausea

Here on this Atlantic island, the always creative Chris got a brilliant idea. He and Des would send a message in a bottle. They'd write it together. How romantic! How horribly hokey! But things went from bad to verse (get it?!) when he suggested it be another trademarked Bad Poem. This guy just has no quit in him. I just wish the delightful Des didn't seem so enamoured of his "talent." I could just see Jillian Harris or even Emily Maynard go along with it playfully but knowing how stupid it really is. But damned if Des isn't totally into it.

Yes, it was predictably godawful. I can't imagine the disappointment some future beach bum is going to feel opening up that nautical time capsule.

Chris told Des he came into the show as a skeptic but has totally fallen for her. Does that mean he wasn't there for the right reasons? Did he enter just for a lark? Or for some more nefarious reason, i.e. publicity? Why aren't these tough questions being asked! The point being nobody is there for the right reasons, so it's silly to single out the obvious bad guys when they're no more guilty than the less obvious ones.

Chris decided he was going to tell Desiree over dinner that he had fallen in love with her. Huge, right? Only he's going to add the patented Bad Poetry angle and tell her in verse. How totally natural. It didn't sound forced at all. Especially when he was fidgety and sweaty. I'm sure it was the sentiment that carried Des away. "Chris, that was beautiful." Then, to prove she can be just as enigmatic as he can, she added, "It melted my heart... In a good way!" As in, not literally. Because that would be very bad indeed.

The guy is so serious it's hard to see what she sees in him. But we must not be seeing the real Chris because she loves his boyish qualities. Best I can figure that means the way he writes poetry to the level of a 12-year-old.

The third date went to Michael and his grating voice. They just explored the town, including the aforementioned street tobogganing. The federal prosecutor looked terrified, probably figuring out who to sue should things go awry.

Michael on his date

The robotic lawyer has a side we didn't get to see, apparently, because Des said, "You're the sweetest person I've ever met in my life." And later said he's "one of the greatest guys" she's ever met. Girls will say anything when they're about to dump you, won't they?

Michael, who Des noted hadn't shown much vulnerability to date, was in job interview mode throughout the date but in his defence, it was their first date. So I'll cut him some slack. In an effort to appear human, he spoke of experiencing heartbreak.

The final date was a two-on-one. There was a rose on the line, but nobody was going home. Zak and Drew went go-cart racing. Zak won the head-to-head race, but Drew won rose. In their alone time, Zak whipped out a sketch book in which he recapped his journey so far in drawings. It was the illustrated equivalent of Chris' awful versification. But Drew trumped the amateur hour talent show with an honest declaration of love. In unscripted words yet.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sat down with Des. And when talk turned to Brooks, she got emotional and admitted she's hit the finish line with him. Yikes. Harrison must be onto something because he then asked, "How do you think he feels about you?" Okay, maybe that's a leading question, maybe it isn't. But when Des said she's falling in love with him, Harrison says, "Wow! That's complicated." Thanks for the words of support!

So Drew was safe. Three roses would be handed out, with one man going home. And we all knew who that would be. They went in order to:

1. Brooks
2. Chris
3. Zak

The federal prosecutor just lost his case. Michael is heartbroken again. He made it seem like his mother was the one he was really sorry for. All he wanted was for her to meet Des, who she loved from last season. So he gets in the limo and phones home. "You're not going to meet Des because she sent me home tonight," he told her. The mom didn't sound too upset, although maybe she sounded a bit fed up with her son's bad luck in love: "Here we go again," she said.