Bachelor Ben: A blogger's shame

Happy New Year, Bachelor friends. We are back. Let's see if I remember how to do this.

And while I feel a certain amount of shame for blogging about this ridiculous show, my title refers to another blogger. But we'll get to her.

Ben is back. And unlike every Bachelorette in franchise history, there was no make-over on his return. Although maybe it looks like he's worked out in the weight room. Seems a bit more buff. In catching up with him, he let us know he got over his heartbreak by focussing on work in the, what?, three days he had between seasons. Ah, minutes into the show and we're reminded how full of it everyone involved with it is.

At least we got to relive his humiliating defeat from last season one more time, when he got down on one knee and asked Ashley to marry him before being denied. So he was buffed then rebuffed. Oh, I never tire of seeing that epic, awkward fail. Will someone please add a laugh track to it and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. Please? And judging from the upcoming season highlights, that might not be his last public humiliation. But we know how the editors love to tease us. Hell, they almost had me thinking a limping grandmother was one of the contestants this time around. Turns out she was just the chaperone for her grand-daughter, Brittney.

But Brittney wasn't the only one with a gimmicky entrance. Lindzi went one step further than the already gimmicky spelling of her pedestrian name: She passed up a ride in the limo for an easy amble onto the property atop Levi, her horse. I don't know if the gimmicky entrances work but they're no worse than the painful rehearsed opening lines. My favourite unique entrance was from the sultry student Anna, who was the first in history to walk right by without saying a word. Gutsy move, as Ben yelled at her. She's the Suzanne Somers in American Grafitti of The Bachelor.

In that hilariously humiliating clip from last season, we heard what I think might be the best quote in franchise history, when Ben said, "Good things don't end unless they end badly." That quote has it all: heart, depth, philosophy, good grammar. So it was nice to hear Jenna, a freelance writer (or "blogger", as the graphics put it), mention it in her opening words to Ben. She put her own stamp on it, though: "Good things end badly." Hey, she's a writer, not a talker.


Or rather, she's a blogger. And the star of the show so far. By far. Before we met all 25 of the ladies, we were shown vignettes of nine of them. I made snap decisions on your behalf so you'll know who to cheer for. In the 'check' column, I put Lindzi the Lippizzaner, Kacie the Knoxville Kutie, Jamie the Rock, and Nicki the Divorcée. For the record, all four advanced to the next round. The Blogger (pictured above, I'm guessing, as it's the lead image on her blog) was not on this list.

In the 'cross' column, I put Amber T for Tomboy, Courtney the Sexy Model, Lyndsie the London Derrière, Shawn the Phoenix Phinancial Planner, and, yes, Jenna the Carrie Bradshaw Wannabe. And two of those didn't advance. Out of the other five that were sent packing, I only regret Dianna, a funny and cute gal from somewhere in California. And maybe Anna because I liked her walk-by of Ben.

I was disappointed in the only Canadian. Amber Bacon was a little too brash, a little too Wrassler. The two Canucks would make a good team. Maybe she could be his wrestling manager. Once eliminated, though, she lost the crazy eyes and her soft side shone through.

I've got an early morning ahead of me so I'll keep this short. The highlights centred around Jenna, who is the designated unstable kook. When I saw her vignette, something seemed off but I couldn't put my finger on it. Oh yeah, she's a writer. Nuff said. She was attractive but that means nothing on this show. Or, I guess, in life. Turns out my spidey senses were bang on. She's certifiable. This is a woman who apparently gives relationship advice on her blog The Over-Analyst. I wonder how that will work out for her now. Night One and she's a total wreck, sobbing uncontrollably because one of the girls doesn't like her. Okay, I'm pretty sure alcohol played a sizable role in it, but that in itself is another big ole red flag.

She had some great lines, but what else would you expect from a woman of letters? Try these on for size:

• To Monica: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime."
• Ben: "It's nerve-wracking. Trust me, I get it." Jenna: "Do you really?"
• "I don't want him to think I'm a mess." (Yeah, best to save that for later.)

Jenna's arch-nemisis was Monica, a 33-year-old dental hygienist from Santa Monica. The cackling blonde was unflappable in the face of the overwrought Blogger. It was quite funny, actually. And so was her gutter mouth. Add to all this her lesbian tendencies and what's not to love? She snuggled up to the womanly Blakely, a VIP cocktail waitress (nudge nudge, wink wink), and whispered sweet somethings into her ear: "I love girls... You're in my life forever... You're beautiful, you're amazing... You know I need your number, right?..." That's what I'm tawkin' abowt!

It's clear the producers are still advising the Bachelor on who to pick. After the first impression rose (to Lindzi), Ben handed out 17 roses. An odd number, no? My guess is he got to choose 15 of them and the producers told him to select Monica and Jenna. There's no other rational explanation. I'm against this practice 100%, let me make that perfectly clear. But in this case, I secretly am giddy about it.

So that's about it. It looks like we'll have lots of high drama and unintentional comedy this season. See you here next week.

BP 2, episode 6: The Bachelor Pad Dilemma

Whew! We made it. It's over! And there's sweet freedom until January 2, 2012, when lovable jilted Ben makes his debut as The Bachelor. In the meantime, let's talk about this entertaining train wreck of a show that became even more entertaining when I got my way and King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen were finally given ye olde boote.

It was an episode where sultry Michelle unveiled her innocent schoolgirl look in a last-ditch effort to prove to the world she's not the unstable psycho she appeared to be on an earlier season of The Bachelor, nor the family-wrecker she was reported to be (see number 7 on this list) in gossip pages. It's no surprising she and Graham hit it off. She apparently has a thing for basketball players.

It was an episode in which Chris Harrison stated that "it's all about relationships here at the Bachelor Pad." Hypocrite. Most of the contestants come on as singles. And in fact, the winning relationship wasn't even an existing relationship, except in the sense that any two people who know each other have a relationship. Holly, who had a thing for creepy Blake throughout the show, finally hooked up with him. As in she's moving to South Carolina to live with him. As in they're engaged. Yet she is partnered up with her ex-fiancé Michael. (Which one of you didn't answer Holly as she excitedly cooed to Blake, "We're gonna get married?" after he proposed to her on camera, with "Uh, not if your past engagement is any indication, you're not"?)

It was an episode where we learned this all took place over three weeks. Three weeks! Blake and Holly didn't even know each other on day one. So they had a little flirty thing going, then hung out for a few more weeks after taping, then got engaged. Yeah, this has 'till death do us part' written all over it.

It was an episode where Graham admitted he was "literally pissing down [his] leg." Literally.

It was an episode where perhaps one of the dumbest and least witty contestants in both Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad history, King Ding-a-Ling, bragged, "I'm smart. I'm witty." Then later Gia backed him up, saying he was the smartest guy in the house. Keep in mind Gia is a swimsuit model and in her world, Kermit would pass as a rocket scientist.

Oops, did I say Kermit? Sorry. He revealed he has a speech impediment that makes him mumble and swallow his words and sound like Kermit the Frog. My bad. I'll no longer refer to him as Kermit. From here on out, it's only King Ding-a-Ling.

It was an episode where the southern belle Ella feared for her life strapped in a harness 100 feet in the air in Las Vegas at the theatre where Cirque du Soleil performs the very same feat every single night without incident because, "Sorry, but I don't trust harnesses." I know, right?

It was an episode where the four remaining teams were judged in a very difficult and scary artistic endeavour not by expert choreographers or performers but by three members of the vast Bachelor family: Tristin, Jason and Ali. Because, you know, they know art. And they have no biases whatsoever, and couldn't possibly be bought off by the show that gave them a career. Nope, completely on the up and up. (Their expertise was driven home when, after an impressive aerial display by Holly and Michael, Judge Jason says, "Wow! Are you guys a couple now?")

It was an episode where the bought-off judges got to eliminate the worst pair: Ella and Kirk. Poor Ella. She really needed that $250,000 to raise her son. Now she'll have to get a job. That sucks.

It was an episode where one member of the Power Couple brow-beat the other, and the other went off and pouted... Oh wait, that's the same as every other episode.

It was an episode where the challenge winners, Holly and Michael, got to choose their final opponents and send the others home. And after what seemed like forever (but my blog post title suggests is only six weeks), King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen finally got their come-uppance. The other finalists would be the formerly wacko Michelle and her new basketball-playing beau Graham.

The live portion of the evening was entertaining. We learned many things:

Ames, who ran off to console and be with the love of his life, Jackie, upon her elimination, quickly dumped the heart-broken Jackie soon after real life gave him a wake-up call. I figured it was because he wanted to be single in the off-chance the show offers him the role of the next Bachelor. Now that Ben has been named, maybe Ames will get back with the heart-broken Jackie.

King Ding-a-Ling offered a mea culpa and actually came off both sincere and, dare I say it, likable. He apologized for his actions in general and to Jake in particular. He also kept saying the relationship he saw on screen with Vienna was not one he wanted to be in. It was cryptic, to say the least. Chris Harrison said he was confused about where he stood with Lady V and frankly so was I. I was kinda pulling for another public break-up for her, but that's the romantic in me.

Michael was blind-sided with the news that his partner, and gal of his dreams, Holly, was now engaged to Blake the Snake. He seemed upset at first but quickly let it go and reverted to the old happy-go-lucky Michael that we grew to find so annoying on The Bachelorette. But Holly seemed to like the old carefree Michael more. I think we're all hoping for a Holly & Michael reunion at some point, aren't we? I mean, New York over South Carolina, right?

Knowing what we know, and what I had forgotten from last season, that the BP rejects vote on which team they want to advance, does it make any sense whatsoever for next year's cast to backstab each other and be jerks like they were this season? Last year, when this was all new, nobody knew how the final would play out. But let's not forget it for next season. Or maybe the writers will come up with another formula (as they probably should). Because even King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen seemed to know that, had they made it to the final, nobody would have voted for them. How is that smart strategy to alienate the whole house when that very house will have the final say on you winning or losing?

Holly & Michael received the needed eight votes (Jake, Blake, Erica, Jackie, Ames, Justin, Ella and Gia – with the exception of the Snake, all the good people on the show), while Graham & Michelle received four votes (Drama Queen, King Ding-a-Ling, Melissa and William – with the exception of William, the deranged people on the show).

And then it got down to the classic game theory with the Prisoner's Dilemma, the writers having taken psychology in high school. Holly and Michael each had to choose, in private, whether they wanted to share the total money or keep it all for themselves. If they both chose 'share', as they did last season, they'd each be $125,000 richer (minus about $100,000 they'll have to pay in taxes and agent fees). If one chooses 'keep' and one chooses 'share', the one who chose 'keep' gets it all. If they both are greedy bastards and choose 'keep', then the quarter million is divided up between the other 13 losers, who'd become winners to the tune of $19,230.76 apiece.

And that's possibly a flaw in the whole BP ethos of relationships: Everyone chooses 'share'. If they were assigned teammates, or had to draw teammates names out of a hat, and there was conflict within the team, then maybe there'd be some real drama. Then wouldn't it be fun trying to guess if they'd pick 'keep' or 'share'? We knew that both Michael and Holly are decent people and would do the right thing. And if it's a real couple, like Graham & Michelle or, heaven forbid, King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen, then of course they're going to share. I can't envision a scenario where the teammates wouldn't share the money. But if, say, Jake and Vienna were assigned each other, how would that play out? Exciting, no?

But hey, it's not about the money. It's not about winning. It's about relationships and doing the right thing. They're all winners.

Except King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen.

(Okay, I'll let it go. As I said, Kasey actually seemed remorseful and Vienna had softened. They're winners, too. Group hug!)

See you in January.

BP 2, episode 5: Relief is on the way

One more week! Did we know this? It seems so sudden. But I'm thrilled. And judging by the lack of comments last week, you are, too. I'll take that as a vote against this awful show. (I refuse to take responsibility!) Why do I keep watching? Habit, I guess. And parts are fun. But the end doesn't justify the means.

This week the show threw its customary curveball. Chris Harrison informed everyone that from here on out it was a couples game. They started by making the competition a rip-off of the Newlywed Game which they called the Nearlywed Game. Yes, force singles to pair up for a game and insinuate that they're going to get hitched.

The game was fun. Or would have been had we seen all of it. We get two hours of nonsense a week so why not devote 30 minutes of it to the actual game? Graham and Michelle ruined it, though, with their winning strategy of agreeing on set answers for certain answer types. Do I fault them? Not really. In fact, I kind of liked that they showed up the writers and producers of this lame series. That's what they get for asking predictable questions.

There was some fun drama between the Drama Queen and her King Ding-a-Ling. It was funny not only trying to understand what old mumble-mouth was saying but also watching the subtitles only picking up half of his words. I pictured the editors running back tape over and over again trying to pick up what he was saying.

Basically it boiled down to King Ding-a-Ling needing to get laid and the virginal Queen having none of it. He ripped the ring off her finger in disgust and she went to pout in a bunk bed before his sub-titled sweet talking got her in the sack. As he rolled on top of her in the grainy footage, as an ABC cameraman creamed his jeans, Lady V sighed, "Let's just get it over with." Ah, sweet love.

You just know some rogue employee is going to one day sell off the dirty sex tapes they've got stored in a vault somewhere.

Graham and Michelle were whisked away on their date by a helicopter. I know. Hard to believe, right? But wait, it gets better! They got a sneak peak of What's Your Number?, a new movie starring Anna Faris (I just looked that up; never heard of her), while sitting in a hot tub. Graham was extolling the virtues of the formerly crazy Michelle, making her sound like any other normal person with fake boobs and teeth. I have my doubts.

Finishing second in the Nearlywed Game were Blake and Erica. The ditzy Erica actually got some decent lines in this week in between talk of her astrologer and her horniness. Watching her trying to bed Blake was worth the time wasted. She flat-out said she wanted no-strings-attached sex and he didn't succumb. He probably couldn't get the image of Holly sauntering by him in her bikini out of his mind. Neither can I, come to think of it. I said earlier that they should have devoted 30 minutes to the Nearlywed Game. I think they should have devoted the rest of the allotted time to Holly in her bikini.

Blake was the guy with the target on his back this week just because the producers can't dare part with the truly crazy and soulless King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen.

Holly was torn. Or so she said. Her heart is with the new guy, Blake, rather than with the known commodity, Michael. If Michael didn't play the part of the brooding, woe-is-me character, maybe Holly would see what she once loved in him. Yes, he's a good guy, but that gets old. Oh, and if he lost that dopey hat, that might help, too.

But while Holly is doing her own crying, telling everyone how hurt she was when Michael left her, she neglects to factor in the part where she broke off their engagement first. Why not call it a draw and live happily ever after already?

Blake and Erica were given two roses to save one other couple. But here's yet another example of shoddy work by the writers and producers. By all accounts Blake was the one to go anyway. So everyone else would be safe with or without the rose.

So who do they decide to give the roses to, saving them for another week? You guessed it: King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen. Because they're so trustworthy. Because they're the power couple. Because... the producers told them to. There's no other conceivable reason why this would happen. Zero.

And what happens next? Harrison winds up for another curveball saying that the women of each team must do the voting. Why couldn't they go in together since this is all about the couples now? Ah, where would the fake drama be then? You see, King Ding-a-Ling & the Drama Queen voted to get rid of Ella & Kirk, as did Blake & Erica. Which really isn't nice because Ella is a single mom trying to raise a 9-year-old son and can't do it on less than a quarter million dollars. So that was two votes for Ella & Kirk out of five.

Ella and Kirk, naturally, voted for Blake and Erica. So did Graham and Michelle, because Blake violated the Man Code (shout out to David!). That's two votes for Blake & Erica.

Now here's where the fake drama comes in. Holly must cast the deciding vote. What to do, what to do? She doesn't want to send her new love home yet she doesn't want to be disloyal to her team partner and former love. And she didn't want to send Ella home, either. Seems like a simple solution to me. She couldn't vote for Graham & Michelle or King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen because they already had roses. But there's no rule saying she can't vote for her own team. She could have voted for herself and Michael knowing that no one else did. It would force a tie between B&E and K&E, forcing the producers to come up with another one of their lame contests to break the tie.

But no, she went with her head. Bye-bye Blake (and Erica). Holly's heart hurt but she had to do it.

Next week four teams will be whittled down to one winner. Do we care who wins? Absolutely not. But if it's King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen I feel I must take a stand. Don't know what. Any ideas?