Monday, January 26, 2009

The Bachelor, episode 2

Bachelor Blog version 2.0 is up and running. Sorry for the day’s delay again but I had to work. No, really. It happens on occasion. If everyone reading this would join together to pay me, I’d gladly make this priority numero uno.

There’s a way of doing a live blog where everyone can write in their snarky comments as they watch. I’d love to do that sometime when I’m free on a Monday night. Meanwhile, this’ll have to do.

So here I am watching it on Tuesday afternoon again. I know nothing about what happened. I’m going to do a running tally on the number of times Jason says “amazing” or a variation of it.

Okay, away we go.

Here are the Deanna kissing scenes and the priceless “No, I can’t” after he drops to his knee to propose. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of seeing that. If someone would put that on a loop and run it over and over again on a separate channel, I think that would be my default channel. I’d watch it all the time.

What does Jason do for a living? Do we know?

Yes, Jason, Lauren is beautiful. This just in.

Oh, one girl really stood out for Jason, and that’s Nikki. She was herself, she was beautiful, fun and outgoing. We’ll see how long that lasts. I’ve found that whoever they get us thinking is the leading contender usually isn’t.

Here’s sailor Megan, swearing her face off. I bet she brings some drama to the proceedings.

I’ve long felt that I think the Bachelor (or Bachelorette, as the case may be) doesn’t get to choose all the roses. I bet the producers set aside a certain number. So out of 15, the producers maybe get to choose 5. Because there’s no other reason he chose some of these losers.

Okay, we’re six minutes in and we’ve only seen past highlights and upcoming highlights. With all they cut out in editing, they could include lots more without all the unnecessary highlights. And now, after the commercials, we’re ten minutes in and just getting going. Yes, I’m in hard-hitting journalist mode tonight.

“Ty’s my buddy. He’s my best friend in the whole world. I’d love to keep him here the whole time but I’ve got to do what’s best for Ty. Besides, I’m going to be boning lots of babes and he’ll just get in the way.”

Ooh, he just mentioned Ty’s mom. I think that’s a first. I’d love to see her. She can tell us the dark side of Jason and why she left him.

He just hopes one of these women will be special enough to bring into Ty’s life. I told you he was retarded! Can you say “special”?

Who’s wearing the cowboy boots?

The water’s warm in the ladies’ house pool. That’s good news. Heh, heh.

Chris is telling the women the rules. Not everyone will get to go on a date every week. Just like in real life. There will be group dates and one-on-one dates. You know, just like in real life.

Jason, despite his effeminate disposition, is a horn-dogger deep down. Today he wants to just hang around the pool and have a good time. In other words, ladies, show us your goods.

He surprises them at the house. He says he wants to see them just be themselves. Perve.

Someone’s got the tramp stamp on the lower back. She’s a goer. I think it’s Nikki, his first impression gal. Now I know why.

He’s talking to Megan. She’s all sweet now. But she’s got that rough voice that tells me she likes to party. I just want her to swear in every single scene she’s in. That should be her role.

Jillian from Vancouver/Peace River is being fun. You go, girl! Sure, the hot dog theory is ridiculous and she surely can’t believe it, but at least it’s funnier than a vision board. Same difference, though.

Shannon is just creepy. She’s a little too needy, wanting to be a mother. She was meant to be here, she says. He thinks she’s amazing. I think he was just looking at her boobies.

Now that I see Nikki again, maybe that wasn’t her with the tramp stamp.

Now Jason gets another rose. Stephanie (aka the widowed Gloria Swanson) was hoping it would go to her. I’ll just go out on a limb here and say three little words: Not. A. Chance.

Ah, I think it was Melissa who was sporting ink. Which one is she? Hang on while I check last week’s notes... Ah, she’s the ex-football cheerleader from Dallas.

After ten minutes of action, we’re on to commercials.


Four minutes later, we’re back.

Wait a second. The rose winner gets to spend the evening with him? That’s fast, even for The Bachelor. Good thing indeed little Ty isn’t around.

Lauren’s posture is delightful. Look at her as she plays with her hair. Now she’s playing up the normal girl routine by telling him of her inner dialogue about whether or not she should stay in the awkward situation. And she’s so right because there’s no way in the world anyone would think auditioning for a reality show to find true love would be anything less than normal.

They’re holding hands. He can’t wipe that silly grin off his face. The look in her eyes says it all. She’s getting a rose. She deserves a rose. He wants to spend the night with her. Hell, I want to spend the night with her.

I’ve forgotten to count the amazings. Has he said it yet?

Naomi, the bitchy flight attendant, can’t – or doesn’t – pronounce the first T in ‘important’. She says impor’ant. That’s two strikes against her. Ooh, and there’s the shoulder tatt. That’s three and she’s outta here.

Shannon the stalker is now throwing ice cubes. I kinda hope he keeps her around for as long as possible just because I think the meltdown will be that much more pronounced when he ultimately lets her go, as, indeed, he must. And then he’ll have to go in the witness protection program, because she knows where he lives.

Stephanie the widowed catwoman licks her lips a lot. Anyone notice that? She’s ready to have one-on-one with Jason. She really is.

Natalie’s telling Jason she’d be a great wife and mother because she’s from the smallest town ever. That makes sense. If you’ll recall, last week she was the one who voted out Melissa because she didn’t think Melissa was ready to step in and mentor a child. Everyone knows Dallas is not a small town. So it’s obvious. Why can’t anyone else see that?

Stephanie is standing there with drinks for the longest time. Then she wimps out and says, “I would love to talk with you when you get done.” Now, I don’t think Stephanie is a match for Jason (or anyone, really, let’s be honest) but I’m giving her props on this one. That was a classy move. I hate all the barging in. He should give her points for that, but knowing this show he’ll say she didn’t want it bad enough. She’s a real southern lady. I take back anything bad I’ve said about her.

Jason just walked up to the table to get the rose. Inexplicably a camera happened to be inside the tent behind the rose when he walked in. That couldn’t have been planned, could it?

It’s gotta go to Lauren. That’s my call and I’m sticking with it. Natalie’s confidant, but she just might be delusional.

Oh hey, it goes to Jillian, from Vancouver! I can’t argue with that. I wonder what Lauren thinks. There she is. She says she’s a little disappointed because she’s a competitive girl who’s done pageants. She likes to win things. Hmm, you mean she’s only in this to win? I am shocked.

Natalie is upset. Is she crying? The nurturing Brazilian comforts her. It’s official: Natalie is delusional.

That was a solid seven minutes of action. Now on to commercial.


Another four minutes of commercials are done with. Thank God for the PVR. I didn’t see a one of them.

Jason is going off with Jillian. Lauren is now seeing the bright side of not being chosen. You see, Jillian didn’t have enough time to get ready. If that were her, she says, she would have freaked out because she wouldn’t know what to do with her hair. She would have panicked. Wow, she’s high maintenance. I never would have guessed a former pageant contestant to be high maintenance. (Her hair looks great the way it is.)

Jason thinks Jillian looked gorgeous. So there you go.

Where are they? Disney Hall? What the hell is that? He said it was world famous. Now he’s feeding her strawberries.

People view him as the nice guy, he says. I think that’s because he’s dumb.

Ooh, he arranged a private performance by Robin Thicke! No, seriously. I shit you not. Robin freakin’ Thicke! This Jason character pulls out all the stops. He knows what the ladies like. I guess David Hasselhoff wasn’t available. Or maybe it’s because Jillian’s Canadian. Will they make that connection that Robin is the son of Alan Thicke, Canadian icon?

I know I’m not exactly Mr. Romance, but if I were the Bachelor, the last thing I’d organize would involve dancing with no one else around.

Melissa gets a note. Jason wants to take their relationship to new heights. I like that Jason likes the girls with the sense of humour. Even if she has a tramp stamp.

That was only six minutes and we’re back to commercials.


Another four-minute commercial break.

Melissa is pissed that Jillian and Jason kissed. To her credit, she says she’s not good at dating.

Wow, a table and chairs at the beach. They’re really roughing it on that picnic.

She wants to be a teacher. I like her. She doesn’t just want to be a cheerleader.

Here’s another note at the door.

Natalie (the delusional one), chunky Erica, Naomi the bitchy flight attendant, Nikki (the first impression), gorgeous high maintenance Lauren, Kari from Kansas, Sharon (who quit her job to be there), and Molly the high school golfer are all going on a date. To Hollywood, one presumes.

Megan didn’t get a rose. Neither did Stephanie the southern lady (formerly widowed catwoman). I didn’t catch who else. Oh, Raquel the Brazilian.

A magic blimp just showed up. It predicted - accurately! - that Melissa would get a kiss. That’s just eerie.

Now they’re going up in that haunted thing. Oh the humanity!

There’s the rose sitting right there.

Again, I know I’m not Mr. Romance, but the second thing I’d never do is take a date on a blimp or helicopter ride. I’d maybe dance ahead of that.

She gets the rose! And another kiss! Aw! Good for her. I like her. But those teases going into commercial break are evil. We shouldn’t watch them.

Speaking of which, here they are.


The group date. Jason and eight chicks. Everyone gets an outfit. Naomi says Jason is treating them very well. He’s a good boyfriend. Oh, what a letdown it’ll be for one of these dim bulbs if she ends up the winner only to realize that Jason has nothing to do with these dates.

Natalie is in heaven shopping. She says it’s like the mothership calling her home. You know, it’s those small town values.

Sharon says she has a giddy feeling around Jason. She seems the most in control of her emotions of everyone. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s wrong with her. She seems nice and decent and good looking, but something’s not quite right. Maybe she’s the stalker. She’s got the eyes for it.

Now they’re at a swimming pool. Which explains their clothes shopping spree... Huh?

Nice vest, Jason! It matches the t-shirt perfectly! I think his shopping spree happened in a time machine.

Wait a second. Chunky Erica said her last relationship ended because of cheating. Did she say “she was 52”? It sure sounded like it. Was she in a lesbian relationship? That is so hot.

Now they’re back in their bikinis. You wonder if that’s how he chose the eight for this date, from how they looked at the first pool party?

Jason wants a beat box. Speaking of time machines...

Kari, Molly and Sharon did a synchronized swimming routine. I didn’t think Sharon could let loose like that.

Lauren says Molly’s a sleeper. Boy, is she right. She uses the cheesiest line to get a kiss from Jason. She says her talent is that she’s a good kisser, then proceeds to demonstrate. I hope she doesn’t get a rose.

Now Nikki is all pissed off at Natalie for saying she saw them kiss. Nikki, you see, takes kissing very seriously. She’s only kissed one person since she was 17, and that’s her ex-boyfriend of 11 years. Nuff said. Good bye.

Nikki is too serious. Oh my God, girl, what are you even doing there? Now she’s playing the snitch part trying to get into Jason’s head.

Naomi the bitchy stewardess comes over to kiss. And here it is. No wait! He goes for the hug and says she’s a wonderful person. Ouch! But then she asks if friends can kiss, then gloats that her kiss was longer. I want her out, too. She reminds me of Rosie Perez. That’s not a good thing.

Here comes the rose. Molly gets it. The sleeper! Naomi is shocked and is crying. Yes!

Raquel the Brazilian wants to talk to Jason since she didn’t get any dates. So they’re in the limo. She starts by saying, “Did you have enough of me already?” It sounded catty, but I’m chalking it up to a language barrier. We’ll see. I think Jason took it the wrong way. He says, “thank you for talking to me” and gives out a hug. She’s gone.

Time for a break.


He has to send three women home tonight and he says he’s not looking forward to it. Just once I’d love to see a Bachelor relish it. Especially with the obvious crazies. Of course, Jason is a nice guy so I can only dream.

Oh, man, he just said these 15 women are amazing! I’m sure he’s said it lots already, but I’m just not yet tuned into it. We’re at the 1:12 mark of the 2:00, so maybe I can pay better attention in these last 48 minutes (probably 30ish minus the commercials).

He’s getting to know some of the women he didn’t go on dates with. First up is chunky Erica. Nothing comes out of it.

Next up is gorgeous Lauren. She wants a two-way street. She’s putting pressure on him to show some initiative. That girl would be a handful, I’m telling you. But quite possibly worth it.

Nikki is just too much, talking about selflessness and judging all the others. And when she gets like that, she’s not nearly as attractive.

Stalker Shannon is giving him the gears suggesting he doesn’t even remember her name. She’s kind of an endearing stalker, isn’t she? She’s going on, telling him everything about his own family and can’t keep a thought going because she keeps saying, “You’re so cute!” Three times. She just said, “If it works out between you and I...” Sorry, toots, that should be “you and me”. You’re outta here. Again. The grammar police have spoken.

Oh my God, that Stephanie is as homely as she is classy. Poor dear.

Megan is holding court now. She’s asking Stephanie about her ex’s tragic plane crash. Lots of tears. I’m almost tearing up. She deserves someone. It’s going to be sad when she gets sent home, but she’ll probably have some perspective.

Who’s this? The girl with no top lip. She’s upset about something. Her grandmother’s sick. Lisa is her name. The Idaho potato girl. She’s got to leave. That makes things easier for him. I hope they still send three others home. That would be so sweet.

I see that last week I referred to Lisa as cat-faced. And I’ve also referred to Stephanie as cat-faced. I stand by both those descriptions. They look like two different cats.

Oh, stalker Shannon is so sweet. Did you hear what she just said? She said she feels sorry that Lisa’s leaving, but it’s one less person she has to worry about. What a darling stalker lady. So thoughtful. So empathetic.

Gorgeous Lauren, too, just showed her cold side, saying it’s just one less girl. She says as long as she gets a rose, she doesn’t really care. These chicks are nothing but class.


Megan says what I think, that she wishes three people were still going home.

Megan has a heart-to-heart with Jason. But only briefly, as he’s stolen away by a girl who already has a rose (Molly). Now Megan thinks the rest of the night is shot.

That Megan chick is tough. Vulnerable yet tough.

Chunky Erica was just saying how bad it is for someone with a rose to steal Jason away, and how it reveals the person’s character. Next we see her telling Molly, “You do what you gotta do.”

Now there’s a big tete-a-tete between chunky Erica and foul-mouthed Megan. Chunky Erica is being the unreasonable one here, Judge Guy says. Not only that but did you notice they’re pixilating her boob. That means her boob is hanging out of her dress. And that means she’s shit-faced, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow, Megan totally comes off looking good in that exchange. I did not see that one coming. She didn’t even swear. (And why does Molly need comforting, as chunky Erica was saying she was doing? Molly has a rose. Not to mention the golf swing of a 17-year-old girl.)

Chunky Erica storms off, which registers a 2.7 on the Richter scale.

Too funny. Jason tells Nikki she has “amazing” qualities (damn, I must have missed some more), just as the camera pans by her two biggest amazing qualities, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Nikki is doing that annoying thing where she tries to warn the Bachelor of those surrounding him who are not taking this seriously. In every season someone plays this role and it never works out for them. Don’t these girls watch the show, for crying out loud?!

Chunky Erica is slurring her words. She’s pissed. Now she says she’s really disappointed in Megan. She’s kinda acting like a teenaged kid whose mom found drugs in her bedroom, and the kid responds aggressively saying “What were you doing in my bedroom?!”

Chunky Erica is now the delusional character in this soap opera. She says she was voted second in that fake vote because she was a threat. No one has yet offered an opinion or taken a side. It seems obvious to me that chunky Erica is the nut case in this exchange. But everyone’s just sitting there watching. Dear old Stephanie looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Mind you, she looks like that anyway.

Megan looks like Jennifer Tilly.

Chris breaks up the party. Tension is high. I have a feeling this might just be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.

Wow, is chunky Erica ever drunk! This is gold!


Jason should say that he has to send two people home but he’d really like to send more home. Then everyone who lasts another week can sweat it out all week.

Jason’s talking about some of the girls. He says Stephanie’s “amazing”. Gorgeous Lauren doesn’t seem in her skin, he says. Oh, man, I’d love to see her out of her skin. He has a lot in common with Nikki. Chris says she’s the mother figure. Chris is secretly lobbying for him to skip on her. Jason has nothing negative to say about anyone. Bo-ring!

Jason, in voice-over mode, says he’s surprised that he finds himself falling for more than one of them. Okay, so he’s the delusional one.


Rose ceremony time. Vancouver Jillian, cheerleader Melissa, and high school golfer Molly all have roses already.

Nine roses to be handed out. Let’s do this thing!

It’s tough. Heavy sigh. Really tough. Got it. Get on with it already.

First rose goes to... foul-mouth lacrosse lesbian Megan! Good. Chunky Erica must be pissed.

Second rose goes to... serious judgmental Nikki, the mother hen.

Third rose goes to... gorgeous, quite possibly shallow, Lauren. How could he not?

Fourth rose goes to... bitchy stewardess Naomi. Say what???

Fifth rose goes to... crowd favourite Stephanie. A pity rose? Perhaps, but she deserves it.

Sixth rose goes to... Kansas Kari. I know nothing about her.

Seventh rose goes to... delusional Natalie. She’s a nothing.

Where’s stalker Shannon? How about classy Sharon, the former teacher? Two to go!

Eighth rose goes to... stalker Shannon. There she is.

Last one. The final rose.

Ninth rose goes to... chunky Erica. Holy shit. Obviously a producer’s pick. Poor Brazilian lady. Poor Sharon, who quit her job to be on the show.

I still can’t put my finger on Sharon’s deal. She seems, on the surface, like a catch. Now we’ll never know. Can anyone help me out here?

Raquel doesn’t know why he didn’t pick her. I’m thinking it might have been the tiara.


Stephanie sees her kid on the beach. I’m getting all verklempt again.

The girls stripping and doing body casts. It took me about ten minutes to watch that in pause mode.

Diamonds.for Natalie. Mother hen Nikki thinks Natalie is nothing like her. Meaning what? She’s kissed more than one guy?

More drama. Stalker Shannon looks visibly ill. Should be good!

Do you guys watch to the very end when they show the outtakes? This week some of the girls were doing a little fashion show with Stephanie’s jewelry. Stephanie says, “What can I say? I love jewelry and fashion.” I guess anything to take the focus away from her face... What am I doing? I can’t talk like that about her anymore. She’s stolen my heart, that vixen!

Until next week.

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