Monday, January 26, 2009

The Bachelor, Mesnick style.

Here we go again! Are we all psyched? First off, let’s give a moment of silence for Deanna and Jesse. God, I thought for sure they’d make it. They were so alike... ahem. Nevermind.

Now we have the fruitcake from Seattle with the retarded kid looking for love. We all wish him the best. I’m sure he will be met with nothing but quality candidates.

I’m back from basketball, the family is tucked away in their beds, and I can bundle up on the couch and watch it on PVR. I tell ya, the PVR is just the greatest invention in the world. If you don’t have one, you owe it to yourself to get one. Life will never be the same for you, I guarantee it. Since I play basketball every Monday from 8 to 10, it looks like I’ll have to do these blogs late every week. I apologize in advance. I know the show deserves better but what can you do? I also apologize in advance for any sexist or otherwise insensitive comments I may make. Because I guarantee there will be a few.

Okay, enough chit-chat. Let’s get this show on the road! It’s been too long without a fix....

You know what? I just realized I’m too tired to watch two hours of The Bachelor so I’m calling it a night. Unbelievable! Maybe I’m just prolonging the excitement. Now I’ll have one more day of anticipation. it’s like Christmas Eve all over again. So I’ll get to it on the morrow, ladies and germs. Until then...


I’m back. I just dropped the kid off at preschool so I’ve got a couple hours. Yes, I have a story due in the morning I could get started on (a real-life D-lister called me out of the blue this morning), but I’ve got my priorities. The Bachelor awaits. Let the show begin! I’m all a-tingle!

Jason fell in love with Deanna. He loves her with all his heart. Oh, how I laugh when I see him get down on one knee and give the big speech only to be told, “No, I can’t.” That shit is priceless! You can’t write that!

He’s walking up a hill in a blue T-shirt. I don’t know if this means anything or not, but his nipples are hard.

There’s a huge hole in his heart. If we’ve learned one thing, it’s that Deanna has played a big role in his life. We’ll see if he can out-heart (or hort, in Deanna’s case) Deanna.

“Los Angeles is the perfect place to find the woman of his dreams.” Yes, he said that.

Jason’s brother is there to take care of Ty. Do we know anything about Ty’s mom? Where’s she? Does he have full custody?

A few days ago I peaked at The Bachelor website and looked at all the women. Just from their headshots they looked like the homeliest bunch of gals the show’s ever had. We’ll see if they’re any better in person... or at least on TV.

Hey, it’s the most romantic season ever! I guess that sounds better than the homeliest season ever!

To find love, says Jason, you have to open your heart and risk being hurt. That’s two and the show hasn’t even officially started. This is gonna be good!


Jason Mesnick is his name. I bet he was a nerd in high school. A nerd who blossomed in a hunk. An effeminate hunk with hard nipples, but a hunk nonetheless.

One girl is excitedly jumping on the bed. Forget Jason, I think she’d be perfect for Ty.

Another is warming up with her golf swing before she meets Jason. Because... you know... um... she likes golf?

Oh, I get it. Someone said she knows he loves to golf. I did not know that. Man, you learn so much on these shows.

“I’m coming for you, Jason!” No comment. Too easy.

Ooh, gross. We do not need to see teeth brushing and flossing. Gimme a break. I now have it out for the dental hygienist. She must not last. And now she says she’s a tooth Nazi. She’s quite homely, too. Homely with perfect teeth. Big deal. Philip Seymour Hoffman has a full head of hair, but he’s a fat slob. Who you gonna take, him or Andre Agassi? Thought so. So take your beautiful smile and go home, dental hygienist tooth nazi.

I know there are a couple of Canadians on there. One who lives in Vancouver. Neither looked good on the website. We’ll see. I have big hopes for them.

Oh, there’s the Vancouver girl. Funny how it says she’s from Peace River, Alberta, yet she says she’s from Vancouver. She looks okay, but much older than the 29 it says she is. Wait a second. She just described herself as a “cute little Canadian girl”. Danger, Will Robinson!

I like the single mom so far. I think Jason’s retarded son would fit in well with her two retarded kids, too. A match made in heaven.

The skippy hippy (as in big hips) Dominique, she of the full-on lipstick, is my odds-on favourite to be the house crazy chick.

The Dallas Cowboy cheerleader looked good on first blush. Not so good on second. If she can’t get dates in her real life as a member of the most famous cheerleading group in America, something’s definitely amiss.

Who’s the princess cleaning the table? Nice dress, but I can’t support a beauty queen. Sorry, ladies.

The L.A. “girl” who is in love with her pooch says she just wants to have a family and get married. No kidding! Did you see her kiss her dog on the mouth? I’m wondering what kind of loving that dog gets.

Oh, she has a vision board. Two, in fact! She’s not a crazy L.A. lady at all.

Jackie the wedding coordinator... No. That’s all I can say. No way she’s 26, either. Are they just taking all these women at their words? Don’t they have to supply two pieces of ID or anything?

Here’s another single mom. Nice make-up. She looks like Gloria Swanson in Sunset Blvd. (All you youngsters out there, Google it.)... Oops, she just told us that Jason really reminded her of her deceased husband, who was tragically killed in a plane crash. Not to pile on here, but how is a plane crash anything but tragic? Are there people dying in humorous plane accidents? Glorious plane accidents?

Had to laugh at the bedtime ritual with her little angel of a daughter: “I think you’re wonderful.” “I think you’re wonderful, too.”

Oh, man, here I was thinking this teacher from New Jersey is gorgeous and she goes and says, “I’m attractive.” I like self-confidence as much as the next feller, but I also like humility. Still, she is gorgeous.

Naomi the flight attendant handles bitches with a slap, she says. Why couldn’t she have been working the flight with Gloria Swanson’s husband?

Megan, the lacrosse coach, has a mouth like a sailor. She’s probably a lesbian anyway.


There’s Jason in the shower. I’m wondering about this. They often show shower scenes. So are they naked? Who would let a camera crew in while they’re showering? Wondering about this got me so distracted I couldn’t tell if his nipples were still hard.

I love how they liquor them up in the limo before they meet. That always makes for great TV.

That’s quite the blink tick little Ty has. Too bad Jason wasn’t named Jerry, then Ty would be one of Jerry’s kids. (For all you youngsters out there, that’s a reference to Jerry Lewis and his telethons. Am I over-explaining things?)

The ladies have arrived before Jason? I’m confused. Maybe I misheard.

Classic line: Chris, who’s been married for 15 years, says, “Obviously you haven’t been so lucky in love.” Jason responds, “Thanks”, without a hint of irony.

Other than that, that was the most boring one-on-one interview on this show I’ve ever seen.

Coming up: The most awkward moment in Bachelor history! One woman will leave the house FOREVER!


Who will he meet first? I can’t stand the excitement!

Ooh, someone in a leopard skin dress. It’s the gorgeous teacher from New Jersey who has quite the opinion of herself. It’s her birthday (of course it is, princess) and she wants Jason to guess her age. Jason pussied out and guessed low. Whenever someone pulls that on me, I always purposely guess 7 years older than I think just to put them in her place. It would have been classic if he said, “Oh, I don’t know. 33?”

Kari from Kansas is next. She poses with her hands behind her back. I have mixed feelings about her. She could be a crazy. I love the brush-off he gives her. “I’d love to talk about it. We’ll talk about it inside. Now get the hell outta here so I can stare at your ass as you walk away.”

Melissa is next. She’s from Texas. She’s a Cowgirl, she says. Is she the ex-cheerleader? To her credit, she didn’t say so when he asked if she was a fan of the team.

The next girl, Sharon a teacher, does a little salsa with him. Meh.

He tells Melissa from Chicago she looks beautiful. I thought so too when she got out of the car. But now as I have the TV paused on her face, not so much. Now she’s telling him that she doesn’t have a TV. Yeah, right. She looks like the type who just reads. Maybe People magazine.

Here’s the next carful.

Naomi, the bitchy flight attendant, says she’s amazing. That is, Naomi says Naomi’s amazing.

Oh, this is the limo of crazies. Megan the lacrosse coach is next. She has a 14-month old son and is already divorced. Told you she was a lesbian.

Here’s Stacia, the other single mom. She’s from Utah. I think she’s the one I liked.

Jackie the wedding coordinator. Told you it was the limo of crazies.

Lisa from Idaho is next. She informs him it’s close to Washington, in case he didn’t know. The big selling point on why he has to visit Idaho is the potatoes. Man, the Idaho Chamber of Commerce’s phones must be ringing off the hook after this show aired!

And here’s the next limo.

It’s Gloria Swanson! Stephanie is her name. She is freaky and he thinks so too.

Treasure from Utah. She’s attractive. But Treasure? It says she’s a nurse but I’m betting she paid her way through college by stripping.

Raquel, with a thick accent, when asked where she’s from, says she was “born in Brazil.” That, to me, implies she grew up elsewhere, like the States. Maybe she doesn’t realize she has an accent. Jason, the dumb American, says he speaks a little bit of Spanish, not realizing that Brazilians speak Portuguese.

Shelby from Stockton, California, told him three times she’s excited to meet him.

Here comes bouncy Nikki from Chicago. She asks about Ty. Suck up.

That’s the first 15. Jason says they’re all amazing. Why can’t we ever have a brutally honest bachelor. That would be the best bachelor ever: “There were a few nice-looking ones, Chris, and some that were, uh, a little past their best-before date. And some that look like they were never good to begin with.”


Jason says it was way better than he thought it was going to be. Talk about low expectations! I guess if you set your expectations low enough, you’ll never be disappointed.

Ten more incredible ladies are pulling up right now.

Molly from Michigan. She’s a golfer. She played in high school. She wants to see his swing. She would know if it’s good because, hey, she played in high school.

Erica is next. Erica’s a little on the chunky side. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying. She caught a flying fish at Pyke St. market in Seattle. And you’ll never guess what? She’s got it on video! Jason says he’d love to see it. That would be some riveting footage, I’m sure.

Here’s the Calgary gal. Nicole. Or Nicky, as she says. She’s wearing orange because it’s Ty’s favourite colour. She looks a bit freaky.

Now please let’s welcome freaky Renee, the one who does the vision boards. She tells him she’s a jewelry designer and nods her head eagerly as she says it, as if she’s saying, “Yes, it’s true, can you believe it? I design jewelry!”

Jillian from Vancouver is full of confidence and needs to know about his hot dog topping. I like her. And what does it mean that I only like mustard on my hot dog? Can’t wait to find out! Maybe I’ll run into her in town one day and I can ask her.

Dominque has butterflies. God, she’s hideous. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I think she learned her lipstick technique from Lucille Ball.

Emily from Seattle! She’s kinda cute.

Julie, a teacher from Ohio. Jason says, “Tell me something about yourself that I wouldn’t know from just looking at you.” What kind of quesiton is that? Do people actually answer questions like that with, “Well, I have brown hair, I’m wearing a purple frock...”?

Ann, the normal flight attendant. She’s got funny teeth.

Speaking of funny teeth, the next chick is the dental hygienist who must go.

And that’s it. Jason says “incredible. Absolutely incredible.” Chris tells him to get ready for the night of his life. It’s the party of a lifetime, says the announcer.

Someone drops the stalker line. But I know enough not to take the upcoming highlights seriously.


Someone brought a wedding dress? Send her home stat.

Naomi the crazy flight attendant says she’s obsessed with Jason. I can’t wait for the drama when she gets sent home.

Kari says it’s definitely hot that Jason is a dad. I never get that reaction from women.

Wow, all the women are acting great with the fact he’s a single father. Quel une surprise! I’m sure they all mean it, too.

The first one-on-one chat is with the hygienist. She’s got quite the cleavage, I’ll give her that. Why don’t we don’t see her flossing that?

Oh, she’s the one who said the stalker line. Good. That’ll get her bumped soon enough. She knows way too much about him. Ooh, she just said the stalker word again. From here on out she’ll be referred to as the stalker. Easier to spell than hygienist. They just did a close-up on her teeth as she tells Jason he has beautiful teeth. Hers, on closer look, aren’t so beautiful.

Chunky Erica just interrupted. I love the fact that every single season people are surprised and upset when others “steal” away the object of everyone’s affection. Ladies, don’t you watch the show? It’s kinda how the game works.

Love the eyebrows on the crazy young chick who sells toe implants. And by “love” I mean “hate”.

Jason says he’s never had so many people try to get his attention before. Revenge of the nerds, anyone?

Another interruption. This time from a delusional girl, Sharon, who resigned from her teaching job to go there. That’ll work out well, I’m guessing. She doesn’t want to live her life with regrets. I wonder if she’ll ever regret quitting her job over a guy she’ll never end up with. But in her defence, she thinks there’s a big connection with Jason. She seems kinda sweet.

Ooh, some bitch just played the mom card. And by that I mean saying that there are a lot of girls there who don’t understand what it’s like to be someone’s mom. Yeah, yeah, we know. Parents are the only ones who know what it’s like to be parents. Such drivel. Megan thinks they have no idea what they’re in for if they become parents. Fair enough, but so what? Neither did she, obviously, and she seems to think she’s a good parent.

Oh my God, somebody’s already playing the I-wrote-something-for-you card. Already? She’s right up there with the stalker. It’s entitled “Is there such thing as love at first sight?” Wait. I think I know what her answer will be.

Nicole from Calgary is just sitting awkwardly by. Wow, that was a horrendously bad poem.

Mustard guy: The guy they all want to settle down with because we’re part saurkraut and part ketchup. That’s me! She hopes Jason is a mustard guy. Wow, I never knew I was that wantable because of my taste for mustard.

He goes for the mustard! He cuts the mustard, so to speak. I like the Vancouver girl so far.

There’s the first impression rose. I have no idea who might get it. Maybe the hot dog girl? But he says all the girls are blowing his expectations away. Even the stalker or goofy poetess?


The cameraman’s a perv. Jason’s sitting with a buxom lass with a low-cut little number on and the camera pans down to ostensibly show her clutching Jason’s hands, but it stops for a brief moment on the way down, right at her chestal area. Or was that just me pausing the PVR?

Her name’s Nikki. She’s going on about how she looks after her nieces and nephews all by herself! Can you imagine? She’s totally perfect to be a mom. She already looks like she’s lactating (if you know what I mean, fellas! Am I right?! High-five!).

The vision board lady is digging herself a deep hole at the moment. She’s not a flakey L.A. broad in the least, is she?

Shelby seems positive. She started to knock the vision boards, but ended up saying more power to the flakey L.A. lady. Then some broad came in and stole Jason away and Shelby just commented on how pretty she was. She’s all class.

Raquel, the Brazilian booty is dancing with Jason. Molly cuts in. She steals him away and Raquel isn’t thrilled. Does Jason have to go with whoever “steals” him away? I’d love for once if he just said, “Uh, not right now, honey. Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Ooh, a first! Raquel actually steals him back! Jason just goes with the flow. Get some cajones, man! Jason says he’s flattered that these women would have the guts to steal him away from each other. Does he have memory problems? That’s exactly the kind of stuff the guys did with Deanna. It’s not flattering. It’s not insulting. It’s neutral. That’s the way the game is played.

Out of all the beautiful Brazilian women out there, this is the representative?

Now Jason is stealing the Gloria Swanson impersonator away from the lesbian. She also kinda looks like Jim Carey in Mask. She’s the widow named Stephanie. She claims to be 34 but she looks like she’s had some plastic surgery. I wonder if she can get her money back.

She said “tragically killed in a plane crash” again. I wonder if she’ll bring it up every time she’s on camera.

The girls are wondering who’s going to get the rose. I still have no idea.

Now he’s talking to the gorgeously vain teacher. He asks if she’s cold then offers his jacket. I bet she’ll get the rose. And here we go! She took off the jacket. No need to cover up those assets.Jason went to get something. Oh, now the coat is back on. He didn’t go to get the rose. He went to get the cake and a candle. She’s disappointed.

Freaky teeth just told him he looked good out there dancing. And she looked great brushing her teeth.

There’s a box... 25 of them, actually. Hello! I’m here all week!

Nice. An unpopularity contest. I like it! Who do they hate?

The Calgary girl says she picked Chunky Erica, just because she’s not compatible with Jason.

Crack whore Jackie voted for Melissa because she’s from Dallas and is her biggest competition: beautiful, brunette, from Dallas, a Cowboys cheerleader. She tried out twice and didn’t make it.

I take that back. Jackie’s not a crack whore. She’s a drunken slut. My bad.

Vision board lady voted for Jackie.

Shannon the stalker voted for Jackie.

Another vote for Jackie. Someone else voted for the Brazilian because she stole her salsa moves. That was Sharon’s whole deal, she says. Like she was at home thinking, “I’m gonna be the salsa girl.” It’s not too late. She could always break out the chips and salsa. The key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, afterall.

Natalie voted out Melissa, who, she admits, is gorgeous but perhaps not ready to step in and be a mentor to a child.

Someone voted for foul-mouthed Megan because she shouldn’t have left a 14-month-old baby at home.

Jason just grabbed Megan. She looks like Jennifer Tilly. Jason says there’s a definite connection.

Oh no. Megan is getting the first impression rose? That can’t be.

Nikki? Which one is she? Oh, she’s the one with the nieces and nephews. Babysitting pays off!

Here comes Chris. The first rose ceremony is upon us. But first, the vote. Three women received the majority of the votes. That was clearly a voice-over.

Jackie gets the third most votes. Second most votes goes to chunky Erica. Receiving “by far the most votes” is... drumroll... Megan. Just as well. She digs chicks.

No, wait! It was bogus! Megan calls them assholes. She adds a touch of class to the proceedings, doesn’t she? But this is bogus. On a tease earlier in the show, it said, “One woman will leave the house FOREVER!” Remember that? I can see telling the women that, but that was the tease for upcoming highlights. That’s just wrong, plain and simple. Turns out she gets a rose.

Lauren the gorgeous teacher just gets gorgeouser and gorgeouser.

Megan’s crying and swearing! Now we’re talking!

Love the announcer going into a commercial: “Who will get a rose and who will lose their chance at love forever?” Nice. That’s it, girls. If you don’t get a rose, you’ll be an old spinster.


Chris asks Jason about stalker Shannon. He said it was impressive rather than creepy. But the sweat on his upper lips says otherwise.

Raquel is unbelievably sexy, he says.

Sharon left her job for him, but she’s not going to get a rose just because of that.

Stephanie, the tragic widow, got over her grief while others would have checked out forever, he says.

He thinks Megan wasn’t getting along with the girls, but he says he’d have given her a rose anyway.

He’s looking for a kind heart. You hear that, Deanna?!

He’s not looking forward to sending anybody home, he says. He should relish the power. Then again, he’s a mustard man.

He’s definitely ready to open up his heart. Damn, I stopped counting. I didn’t really think he’d be a serious contender in the hort sweepstakes, but apparently he is.

And here’s the first ceremony. Megan and Nikki are already rosed. Thirteen roses left. Ten going home. Are you ready to rumble?!

Lauren, the leopard skinned gorgeous teacher, gets the first rose. No surprises there.

Kari from Kansas gets the second one.

Naomi, the crazy stewardess with the shoulder tattoo gets the third. That I didn’t see coming.

Natalie gets the fourth. Is she the one he thought was so pretty when she got out of the car? I get them all mixed up.

Molly the high school golfer gets rose # 5.

Raquel the Brazilian gets the sixth.

Stephanie the widow? Are you shitting me? I think that’s a pity rose. She gets the seventh.

Melissa the cheerleader gets the eighth. She’s the cheerleader, right? I don’t mind her. She seems to have a sense of humour about herself.

Yay, the Vancouver girl got a rose! That’s one for us! She’s full of confidence.

Stalker Shannon gets one. Probably not a wise choice. Three left now.

Lisa the cat-faced potato girl from Idaho gets rose number 11.

Sharon gets one. She’s the one who left her job. She seemed nice looking, but man was she ever stiff when she accepted the rose: “Thank you very much.” She should have followed it up with a firm handshake.

Last rose. Who will it go to?!

It goes to... Chunky Erica! You go, girl! Do it for chunky girls everywhere!

Now the tears start flowing.

I liked Stacia. Her looks anyway. And I like the way she handled herself upon defeat.

Renee’s vision boards failed her. She says she’d have been perfect for Jason because she’s 36, professional and, you know, cute. She’s got freaky eyes.

Jackie, the wedding coordinator is getting embarrassing. She says she’d planned their wedding already. “It’s hard to think you’re so great when so many other men I’ve tried to start a life with say ‘you’re just not great enough.’” Hmm. She’s going to have to look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror sometime soon.

Upcoming season highlights:

Shirtless Jason... Amazing kisser. He certainly gets lots of practice... Bungee jumping... New Zealand... Helicopters... Bikinis... Seattle...spending the night... “whore”... “not here for the right reasons”... “I can not respect that bitch”... face slapping... swearing... Oh yes, it’s going to be a dandy season.

What? Deanna!! Jason says, “I’m just confused. Why would she come here?” Um, maybe because the producers invited her? You think she just showed up on her own?

Deanna says she thinks she made a mistake! Really, Deanna? Because we all thought surfer dude Jesse was perfect for you.

This is awesome. I love this. Now it’s Jason’s turn for payback. Deanna could break a Bachelor record and become a three-time loser. And we’ll all get to hear that sweet, twangy “hort” we grew to love.

Stalker girl crying. She’s emotionally hanging by a piece of dental floss.

Jason losing it on a balcony. Hey man, suck it up. You’re on national television. You want to break down, be a man and go in the bathroom and lock the door. That’s what I do... I mean, would do... Nevermind.

He kisses his son on the lips. That’s wrong.

Hey, they gave us a big hint. They show him down on one knee (again) and the girl’s hand is shown. She has long fingernails, French cut, I think they’re called. So that eliminates Deanna. Look for the fingernails in upcoming shows, people.

There we go. Sorry I was late. But this allows you to relive the glorious moments all over again.

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