Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Death of a salesman

This week the gang was in Croatia, which, I learned, is a suitable stand-in for Scotland. Practically identical, it turns out. The episode was also Little Ricki-free, as she was sent home from London with a babysitter. No word if she was loaded in the baggage section of the plane.

Exotic Subury
I was impressed with Dubrovnik. It's beautiful. Then again, I'm impressed with every place they go. They make every city look so exotic. Can't wait for Bachelor Canada to see if they can make Sudbury or Lethbridge look like a gorgeous travel destination.

One-F Jef thought Croatia was the perfect place to fall in love. Miss Emily politely and ambiguously described it as like stepping back in time. Sleazy Ryan felt it was a wonderful locale to pluck his finger hairs.

Miss Emily continued her encyclopedic travelogue, telling everyone little nuggets of information about the place. On her first one-on-one, with Travis the Eggman, they walked through the old city and Miss Emily told him that "about a thousand people live inside these walls." Travis was blown away: "Really!?" Yeah, he really wanted that date so was amping up the enthusiasm. He wanted it too much, though, and there's nothing women hate more than guys who reek of desperation. He was ready to "bust outta the friend zone" but it wasn't going to happen. Emily said he's so much fun and she can be herself around him, but she was looking for romance. The girl's gotta have it, afterall.

But at dinner, he was stiff. And in all the wrong places. But what do you expect? The guy hasn't had a date in the two years since his engagement broke off. He confided in Miss Emily that neither he nor his ex-fiancée did anything wrong; it just didn't work out. Miss Emily socked that piece of info away and used it against him when it was time to not hand out the rose.

She picked up the flower, teased him a bit with some positivity, then let him know she doesn't think they have the romance she's looking for. He didn't do anything wrong, she said. Doh! Hoist with his own petard!

She cheerily sent him on his way: "Bye, honey!" she called out to him as he trundled off in the rain, umbrella slung heroically over his gaunt shoulder. He kept walking. And walking. Apparently no cab or limo for this poor schmuck. He was so bummed he littered his fully-functioning brolly onto the sidewalk.

Normally at this time, we see the exit interview from the back seat of a moving vehicle. Not so tonight. The Egg Man was sitting dry in a private library somewhere.

On the group date, Miss Emily felt that now that her pre-school-aged daughter had left, it was a good time to go to a Pixar movie. Good call. Kids hate animated films. She took the fellas out to see a movie that I'm assuming is so bad it felt the need to pay the show for some fake grassroots publicity, so I'm not going to mention the name. I hate that kind of product placement.

The movie hadn't yet opened in North America but as everyone knows Croatia always gets new releases before the rest of the world.

After the flick, the boys competed in a Highland Games competition. Because, you know, they're in Croatia, aka Little Scotland. Daddy Dougie at least got the absurdity of the situation. They all had to don kilts and march to bagpipes to a waiting drove of asses, upon which they placed their own asses and rode to an open field to shoot arrows, toss cabers, and perform something called Maide Leisg. No, I didn't just have a stroke; that's how you spell it.
Braveheart Chris

Selective Sean performed the best, winning two of the three events. And Miss Emily said he looked "frickin' hot" too. Still, that wasn't enough for him to win the silver cup award for bravery. Rather, that went to the hapless and hopeless Creepy Chris, who was last in every event. Miss Emily has been a soccer mom for too long. She said bravery to her means doing your own thing and having fun.

At the after party, Arie took her aside to continue sucking up to her and needlessly apologizing for his non-actions in London when he didn't rat out Kondescending Kalon. Did anyone else find it odd that they were out walking the streets during the after party? I guess that's one way to ensure nobody will come and "steal her away" while he was talking to her.

She also sat and shamelessly flirted with One-F Jef, asking him what took him so long to kiss her. I think Jef is a fine kid, I really do. But he's a kid. He looks like he could be her nephew.

Chris gets the rose?
Not only did Creepy Chris win the bravery cup, he also got the rose. As Vizzini from Princess Bride would say, "Inconceivable!" She told him he was one of the kindest, sweetest and "most handsome" men she'd ever met. Wow. I am speechless.

The final one-on-one date was with Sleazy Ryan, who apparently takes three hours to get ready. He shaves those crazy angles into his beard, shaves his legs (!) and plucks his finger hairs (?). But he's "somewhat of a perfectionist" and everyone knows body hair equals imperfection.

They go on a road trip. He drives. He claims he's a very safe driver because he never gets in accidents, but proceeds to break many laws and has locals sitting on their horns over his creative automobile operating. But the dude is so dang confident he has Miss Emily intrigued.

Their first stop is an oyster boat where they pull fresh oysters out of the ocean. Why? I have no idea. Miss Emily obviously had no say in this date because she was reluctant to even try one and when she finally did, couldn't stand it so she spit it out into the water. That's right, fellas, she spit, not swallowed.

Sleazy Ryan mentioned a few more times the phrase "trophy wife". Again, though, he's so charming and believes his own load of crap so much that it gives Miss Emily pause. He said, "I want a great woman so I've done my best to be a great man." Such blathering causes her to go back and forth with her opinions of him.

At night, he wore his lucky turquoise shoes to impress her. He's going to have to rethink the concept of luck now that she sent him home. Over dinner they engaged in some antagonistic flirting. He pulled out a piece of paper on which he scribbled twelve qualities he wants in a wife. I couldn't catch them all, but got some. He wants a woman to be logical and not overly emotional (good luck with that, Spock), an encourager, someone who's faithful, a nurturer, confident and magnetic, loves to laugh, and a servant. They should have done that old movie trick where the background music screeches to a stop at the mention of servant.

But ultimately, the top of her own list would be a loving family, not a perfect one. She said she felt too much pressure to be perfect around him. In picking up the rose, she told him he's so funny, great-looking and "one of the best-looking guys I've ever seen." But then dropped the bombshell that she couldn't give it to him. He was crestfallen, his confidence shaken. He tried to rationally discuss why she made a mistake and she sat there looking like she might cave in to the pressure. "That is very shocking," he said. "I would not have seen that coming." Back at the house, Creepy Chris described Sleazy Ryan as a great salesman and I think he nailed it. Ryan told Emily he was "shocked" and "baffled". She said she didn't know if she was making the right decision and he responded with, "If you don't know, why wouldn't you give us more time? Time tells." But good on Emily. She said she didn't know if she'd be the one to make him happy and reiterated that she wasn't giving him the rose, even though she wasn't 100% confident in her decision.

So Sleazy Ryan walked away in his lucky turquoise shoes. When the driver came to the house to pick up his bags, the other men all high-fived each other ecstatically as we heard Ryan say, "I can't imagine how shocked the guys are but we built great friendships and I'll see those guys soon."

In the exit interview, Ryan got a nice pre-emptive shot in at the editors, asking them to do a "good job of portraying me exactly who I am and not, you know, an arrogant ass." Or wait, maybe it was the editors who got a good post-emptive shot in at Ryan.

Puppy Arie learning to protect
Speed Racer Arie then found Miss Emily's quarters and surprised her with a visit. He wanted to hold her and hug her and let her know it was the right decision to let Ryan go. Emily smiled. She's trained the puppy well. He's now got her back, even if it was after the fact. But they sat in her bed and talked, and Miss Emily gave him the rose she didn't give to Sleazy Ryan. But it was on the QT so he still had to "earn" one at the final rose ceremony. They sloppy-kiss in bed before he leaves for home.

At the cocktail party, Miss Emily informs us that Daddy Dougie and Wolfman John are both on the bubble, so she takes them each aside to try to force a connection. The Wolfman opts for pathos and pulls out his grandparents' funeral cards, which he has kept in his wallet since 1999. She is the first person to learn of this. He cries and they kiss. Mission accomplished.

Then Daddy Dougie proves to be the shyest person ever to have gone this far. What on earth propelled him onto this show in the first place if he's that shy with females? Miss Emily told Doug to "scootch on in" next to her, then physically grabbed his arm and placed it around her back. The camera kept zooming in on his lifeless hand resting against her backside, with the lone thumb reflexively twitching a pathetic caress. He was sweating bullets. Made me wonder if his own beloved son was adopted. Miss Emily told him, "I'm still a girl and I want to be pursued a little bit." Funny way of showing that, by forcing an arm around herself.

Doug then bawled about missing his son, then went back and told Wolfman that he "put it all out there." You sure did, champ!

With Creepy Chris always inexplicably rosed, four of the five others would be given a rose... Or would they???

First up was Selective Sean. Then came One-F Jef. Third was a real surprise, as Speed Racer Arie was offered a rose. He must have been worried.

It was at this point that Miss Emily left the proceedings, leaving the Wolfman and Daddy Dougie to wonder what the hell was happening. In a classic scene, we see Miss Emily walk out the back door to find the newly divorced Chris Harrison hitting on some chick in the lane. The chick scurries as Emily approaches. It's funny to think he doesn't watch the proceedings but he's been at this most repetitive of gigs a looooong time.

Harrison says, "I told you from the beginning there are no rules here. You do what you want to do. Now leave me alone. I'm trying to conquer some Slavs." (At least half of that quote is verbatum.)

Of course, the big tease was that she was going to send both fellas home, but the opposite was true. Harrison re-entered with two roses. Both Daddy Dougie and Wolfman John will stick around for one more week. Apparently Doug's child can wait another week or more.

Next week they go to Prague and we learn something about Arie's former relationship with a producer.

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