Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Bachelorette Andi: Three men and a baby, maybe

Sorry I'm late this week but I happened to stumble across a magazine at the checkout counter that claimed Andi was pregnant. Not only that, but the deed happened in the fantasy suite. Not only that, but the winning spermatozoa was from the penis of one of the gentlemen she did not ultimately select to be her life partner. As you can well imagine, I was floored. I needed to take a few days to process.

Of course, none of that was mentioned on the show. Oh sure, there were hints, but it hadn't happened yet, since this was just hometown week, making the hints that much more clever. Who knows if the issue will be addressed at all and what kind of spin they'll put on it. And maybe – just maybe – for once the tabloids are wrong. But what are the odds of that?!

So, as mentioned, it was hometown week. Andi started her journey in old Milwaukee with Big Scarf Nick. He took her to his favourite place in all of his hometown, the Public Market, which speaks, probably, more to the options in Wisconsin than to Nick's personal taste. He then took her to a brewery, where Andi remarked on the nice smell. I like beer. I've walked past breweries. The odor is disgusting.

This particular brewery made a special 'Nick & Andi' beer. Presumably it can be used to get a woman drunk and impregnate her.

Then, to put the seal on your desire to visit Milwaukee, they danced to a live polka band, complete with bubbles. It's no Venice, but it's as close as you can get.

Nick, as I had forgotten from earlier in the season, comes from a large family. Now, a lot of people say that but Nick means it. He has ten (10!) siblings. I see a family with four kids and I think they're a throwback to the 1950s. His family has 11. Why don't they have their own reality TV show? Or travel with a circus?

To make matters worse, the parents of this over-30-year-old-man could pass for his brother and sister. How is it possible they have eleven kids? Well, I suppose some could be adopted, and perhaps they are. That would be the only reasonable explanation. His youngest sister is in the 7-10 age range, for the love of God! I don't know why I'm so obsessed over this miracle family, but I am. Did the parents start procreating in junior high school? Maybe this lends a clue to the mystery sperm donor in the fantasy suite. Maybe the ancient Nick feels the need to get moving on his own thundering herd.

One of Nick's zillion sisters is his confidante: Maria. How he remembers her is beyond me. Maria said Nick's been in some serious relationships and has experienced some serious heartbreak. Or maybe she was thinking of one of her other zillion brothers.

Nick's youngest sister, Bella (after ten kids you apparently run out of all the good names), had a list of questions for Andi, including the kicker, "Do you love my brother?" Andi skirted the issue like a pro and showed great maternal instinct towards his sister (a sentence I've never written – or heard – before).

Nick got all teary telling his mothersister (that's a term I just coined for a young-looking mother) that Andi is the "half of me that's been missing." And "I don't think of her as the Bachelorette anymore; I think of her as my girl."

Next on the tour of America's hotspots was Arlington, Iowa, Chris' hometown of 758 folks. "Day-to-day life is pretty simple here," he said in the understatement of the year. Andi kept talking about how "hot" Chris looks. Granted, she says that about everybody but this is just nuts. I mean, he's a fine looking person in the most literal interpretation of those words, but nothing out of the ordinary. Help me out on this one. Am I missing something? Leave your comments below. I am genuinely curious to see what my readers think.

Andi and Chris are standing out on his farm then he starts walking towards his house, i.e. the only house within miles. When Chris informs her that it is his house, she remarks, "Really?!" No, Andi, they decided you'd meet at some random farm and walk into a stranger's house. What's the big deal? In Arlington, housing prices are probably dirt cheap.

Andi also loses her shit when she sees a tractor. On a farm! The fact that Chris, a farmer, can drive said tractor is enough to send her round the bend. She calls him the "epitome of man." He sure is. On the field, when she asks what she could do in Arlington if she moved there, he said, "There's an opportunity to be a homemaker." Yup, epitome of man.

Also while sitting there, the Great Waldo Pepper flies by with a message flapping in the wind behind the plane: CHRIS LOVES ANDI! Andi was so turned on by it, she and Chris started eating each other's face.

At dinner, Andi starts to tell the story to her family, talking about the picnic. "While we were sitting there..." Chris's sister guesses the end: "You let one go?"

The sister also described Chris as "driven". I heard "drive-n" and replayed it several times, every time hearing the word "drive" with an "en" at the end. My wife kept hearing the correct pronunciation. Who was right? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Chris's mom told Andi that "nowadays, the world is so small. There's no limits for a woman on a farm." For example, she could be a homemaker, as mentioned, or she could drive a tractor, as she does, or, you know, maybe... um...

Another hint before the fact of Andi's pregnancy was when she told Chris's mother that, "I can't wait to have babies." Little did Chris's mom know she meant it literally.

After dinner the couple were treated to a game of hide and seek. See, there's lots to do on a farm!

Date number three was in Tampa, Florida, for Josh and family. Back to civilization. They headed to a baseball field, of course. The producers lack imagination. Any time anyone has played any baseball in their life, that's what they do. I was surprised to learn Josh hadn't played the game in seven years. Yet that's his "occupation" on the show? How long are you an ex-professional baseball player? Forever, I guess. I would have figured he might have something else to describe himself. But I guess it's better than "brother of NFL prospect."

The whole brother thing was odd. Josh claimed he quit baseball for his brother Aaron's NFL dreams. How are those two things connected? Or is it just an excuse? But Josh does seem invested in it. At dinner with Andi, it's all he wanted to talk about. But we learned this is a family that does everything together. We also learned who the favourite son is.

Then they all went outside and played touch football in the yard.

The last hometown visit was to Dallas, where Canadian-born Marcuszzz lives. He says he's only brought one other girl home to his family. But remember, the kid is only 25. That kid, though, drives a Mercedes. It probably cost more than Chris's house but Andi didn't seem overly impressed.

Marcuszzz took Andi to an empty club where he sat her down then proceeded to strip for her, to reenact their first group date. Only solo. Can you say 'awkward'? What the hell was that about? Andi seemed to like it, though. She said he's one of the hottest guys she's ever dated: "head to toe hot."

Andi said more than any of the others, she was nervous to meet his family. Maybe she thought she'd get a whooping.

But it was all good. Marcuszzz's mom seemed nice and they seemed to get along. He also took the opportunity to tell his brother for the first time how much he appreciated him being a father figure to him. Nothing like a film crew to open up to your family. His mom, Halina, said Marcuszzz is normally very reserved. Not with Andi, though. I can't count the number of times he's told her he loves her. He also says he's the happiest he's ever been and that Andi is his soulmate. That can't end well. Andi says life with him would be a fairy tale. As in, not happening in real life.

Next was the bad news about Eric. The four men arrived at Chris Harrison's house (?) and waited for Andi to show up. Seeing as they already paid their respects to Eric, it seemed almost exploitative. As they sat there stunned, the film crew descended upon them, coming out of closet and walls to offer hugs.

The next day was the rose ceremony. Life goes on. Andi manages to squeeze in two "y'all"s for good measure. The roses went in order to:

  1. Josh
  2. Chris
  3. Nick
She sent her soulmate home. No happily ever after afterall. It was Grimm. He was the only one to tell her flat-out he loved her (I think). She tells him he's done nothing wrong, which, I'm sure is a great relief. But Marcuszzz is still bummed. "I don't know what to do from this point on," he said. In the limo he said he felt like an idiot. "I shouldn't have told her I loved her," he said. It blew up in his face. "I believed in something that wasn't there." Sounds like all the ultra-religious contestants over the years, but he was talking about love.

Next week Andi's head and heart don't match up but fear not: the checkout counter magazines assure us she quit her job and is engaged to one of the remaining three. It's gotta be Nick, right? Or has she quit her job to take up homemaking on the farm?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You questioned the degree of Chris' hotness. I agree that he is a fine looking guy. Maybe Andi just isn't used to guys in flannel shirts and vests. Plus, I think the tractor was behind him!
I can't believe I missed that magazine article. I'm sure Kate and Angelina are pregnant too, and they are all sharing pregnancy secrets.