Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: A rose in the hand

Did you think I abandoned ship? Nah, I watched it along with the rest of you. Only I was in a hotel. No PVR, no pausing or rewinding. Just like the savages! Can you imagine?

Being on holiday, I've got to write when I can. Which explains why I'm a little late. Forgive me. Next week will be the same before it's back to normal.

Oh, and before I get started, thanks for the comments last week. They are much appreciated.

We started with the skinny on Michelle's strange exit last week where she hinted that she might have already found love. And the whole thing smacked of fakery. Although I loved her shot at Chris Harrison. Something I've been saying for years and years is that Harrison is just the host. Check the credits. He's not listed as a producer or anything other than host. Yet it's always portrayed that he calls the shots.

He went to Michelle's door the morning after the rose ceremony (hey, I thought they're sent home immediately after not getting a rose???), and she wouldn't talk to him. A production person told her through the door that she had to speak to Harrison, and Michelle answered, "He's just the host." I knew I liked her! She tells it like it is.

Then they gave us a re-enactment of what went down. If you paid rapt attention, you'll realize it was bogus. Apparently Michelle and a male crew member had adjoining rooms. They decided to unlock the door between the rooms so they could go back and forth. Yet when he was apparently caught in her room, what did he do? Did he simply go back through the adjoining door to his suite, or did he jump 25 feet to the ground? Of course, he jumped. And, in the process, broke bones in both legs. See, makes no sense. And to top it off, he tells us from his hospital bed that his name is Ryan Putz. Yup, a real (fake) putz, that's for sure.

Remember Creepy Chris? From Emily's season? From Bachelor Pad? From trying to meet Andi? Well, he's back and as creepy as ever. He showed up to Fantasy Island with a date card and asks Clare to go with him. She accepts. She'd heard lots of rumours and innuendos about the Creepy One but she decided she'd give him a fair shot and come to her own conclusions.

Meanwhile on this show that keeps jumping around, Robert was jealous because Lacy had turned her full attention towards Marcuszzz. He had a date card of his own and asked her to join him, which she accepted.

Back to Creepy Chris and Clueless Clare, they were getting body massages and getting to know each other. He tells her a doozy of a story about how he's had his fun and now wants to settle down. "At least you admit that," says Clueless Clare. Then they hit the surf, Clare's turf.

Dylan and Elise, meanwhile, got the fastest montage I've ever seen. The editors gave next to no time to Dylan last season, and Elise, I'm convinced, is an imposter and was never on any season, so this was their time to shine. We learned that Elise is a Pisces, which is why she likes the water, unlike all the other signs of the Zodiac.

Dylan was feeling smothered by her and her ample bosom. She said she's falling in love. He tells her straight up that they'll know if the connection they have with each other is real only by seeing other people. Those were his words. Remember them.

After his date with Clare, Creepy Chris got it on with the newly freed Elise. They hopped in the surf and made out. Sarah said she's gotten to know Clare and isn't surprised Chris is moving on. Meow! Clare, though, said, "He almost had me fooled." Almost. Until she saw him kissing someone else. She sure can read people.

Elise decided to come clean to Dylan, aka the man who told her they should see other people. We all know what that phrase means but Dylan found an out with Elise by claiming he meant it literally. As in, just meet other people and hang out with them. No kissing, though! Elise, who was "100 percent in with Dylan," said, "You're literally killing me." Let's hope she wasn't being literal.

Dylan told her not to give him the rose.

Next a dude named Zack K., apparently from Desiree's season, showed up. I'm not convinced. All these newbies arrive with a date card. And they all like what they see in Clare. On first glance, anyway. He never got a date on his season with Des. How far down are the producers going to get contestants for this show? They must have got lots of no's from the others before they got to the likes of Lacy, Elise, Robert and Zack.

Creepy Chris was now angling for a rose from Elise. Not a connection. Just a rose. He also made fun of Dylan, saying he looked like a puffed-up Matt Damon. Or, as he calls him, Fatt Damon.

Elise was the queen of metaphors this week. Her situation with Fatt... er, Dylan... was a hurdle, a shark tank, and a storm.

Dylan got a date card. He didn't want to ask Elise, so he went for the next-best thing: her best friend, Sarah. Sarah's reply? "Umm... eek!... You mind explaining to me why you don't want to take Elise?" He explained and she said, "Thanks, but let me think about it." Success!

Sarah thought about it a bit. "Elise is my best friend here." So of course she accepted.

AshLee, who didn't see much screen time this week, got motherly with Elise, saying, "Why did you kiss another boy?!" It's like they've all forgotten what show they're on, and what show they made their careers on. The shows are all about kissing other boys. And girls.

Marcuszzz then "found" a love letter in Ben's backpack. He showed it to Marquel, who confirmed, yes, it was indeed a love letter. It seems Marcuszzz spilt some water on the knapsack and the letter just tumbled out. And his eyes just happened to stumble across all the words. Such upstanding young people they all are.

Marcuszzz and Marquel ask Ben about it. He admits it. It happened fast, he said. Three weeks ago he met a woman and one thing led to another and now she loves him.

Outside, Crazy Michelle 2.0 asked Clueless Clare to spy on them for her. "Absolutely," Clare said, and off she went. She reported back that it was about a letter Ben received and the lynch mob formed. Up the stairs they marched to Ben.

Ben told them straight up what it was all about and Crazy Michelle 2.0 tearfully told him she left her 9-year-old daughter back home (again), forgetting that she can't play that card in this case because, as Ben reminded her, he left his son back home, too. He just wanted to experience paradise. Clare told him, "You shouldn't have come, Ben." And she wondered, "Is anybody here for love?" I'm going to go ahead and answer that for her: It's extremely doubtful.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 asked point-blank if he was in love with this letter-writer. Ben replied, "I am." Then he left. Probably of his own volition but maybe the lynch mob had something to do with it, too. He told the cameras, "Yeah, I'm selfish... Goodbye Hollywood. I'm done with TV. Done." Promises, promises.

The next day Crazy Michelle 2.0 was all better. "I'm feeling really, really good," she said, looking really, really crazy with that Ruth Buzzi-like forehead spiderweb.

She didn't feel so good when she went to her Plan B, Marquel (Ben was Plan A). Marquel told her he had some concerns about her, namely that she likes to drink. He realized he may have just talked himself out of a rose because she didn't take to it kindly. No one's ever said that about her before. At least not that she remembers. She was too wasted. Reader Kaia commented last week, "Where's the alcohol? I don't remember seeing any." No doubt because Crazy Michelle 2.0 drank it all.

Then "tall, dark and handsome" (according to Crazy Michelle 2.0) Robert shows up. First question: "Do you think I drink too much?"

What's with Dylan? Has the guy ever smiled? He's so dour, so serious. He told Elise not to hold back her feelings for Chris and told her that he wouldn't accept a rose from her should she offer one. Setting the table for the rose ceremony. One man would be sent home.

  • Lacy gave her rose to Marcuszzz
  • AshLee gave hers to Graham
  • Clueless Clare gave hers to newcomer Zack
  • Crazy Drunk Michelle 2.0 gave hers to Dry Marquel, in a bit of a shocker
  • Elise offered hers to Dylan and true to his word, he didn't accept it (she then gave a little speech to the others, which made zero sense. I know this because the producers played circus music during it. She talked about life's ups and downs, and I heard the phrase 'sickness and health' before she offered it to Creepy Chris, who accepted it, creepily.)
  • Sarah had the choice between Dylan, who she went on a date with, and Robert. Girl power won over. She selected Robert.
In your face, Dylan! Good payback. Let that be a lesson to all future contestants: A rose in the hand is worth two in the bush.


Anonymous said...

You are a true Bachelor trooper! Writing on holiday! Thank you. The show would not be nearly as fun without you. I had never watched Bachelor Pad, so I guess these new people just keep showing up?? It will be interesting to see if the new guys keep choosing Clare first.

Kelly said...

So did Michelle 2.0 have a thing for Ben? Or was she really that upset because he took the spot that may have gone to someone who may or may not have "had a connection" with her? Or was it the guilt of leaving her kid for, what is it, the third time? I'm not sure why the producers keeps choosing such unstable people...oh, wait....because it is awesome.