Monday, January 5, 2015

Farmer Chris: The dirty thirty

I shamefully – and shamelessly – return after failing in my quest to write about the second of the two-part Bachelor Canada finale. Let me say I had every intention of chronicling the ultra-romantic pairing of whatisname and whatserface. I took notes and everything. Still have them, in fact. But when two weeks passed without me getting around to it, I thought, "What's the point?" Of course, I could ask that same question even when it's on time, but I prefer not to delve too deeply.

I'm informed that this latest incarnation, with the hick from the sticks as the lead, is going to be three hours long tonight. Three hours! Not a waste of time at all. After complaining about the ridiculously short hour-long episodes of the Canadian version, you'd think I'd be over the moon about three hours. Not so. Which made me wonder what the ideal length is. One hour is too short. Two hours is too long. Three hours is stupid. So maybe 90 minutes? Or maybe I just love to complain.

Anyway, in order to minimize duplication, I'm going to try something different tonight. I'm writing straight to blog as I watch. We'll see how that works. At the very least, these things will get up online a whole lot quicker.

And I see by the old clock in the garbage can, it's show time. So let's get to it.

I'm on record as saying Chris is the absolute wrong choice for this show. Because while you will find 25 fame junkies to sign up for the season, I find it doubtful you will find more than a couple willing to settle down on a farm in Iowa. Possible but doubtful. I would be very surprised if this farmer in the dell took a wife through this process.

Red carpet? Um, okay. Chris Harrison is giving teasers to screaming women in line: A virgin in the fantasy suite? Something goes horribly wrong at the rose ceremony? Say no more. You had me at virgin in the fantasy suite.

Here's the segment on Chris driving a tractor. He says it's "a lot of fun." Sure looks it, doesn't it? He says love is like farming because you plant a seed and... wait, what? Is this about the fantasy suite? Maybe he's the virgin.

We see him in downtown Arlington. He's shooting shit with the locals. The price of corn is going down, apparently. What woman wouldn't want to be part of this?!

Chris has to miss harvest this year. First time. But he's excited to find the woman of his dreams. Being a true farmer, he says, "I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched."

Countdown to the first limo? 58-odd minutes?! Are you kidding me?! These women are going to lose their voices. They haven't stopped screaming.

Oh look, here's Sean and Catherine. Catherine says they're "super-boring." This just in! Now she's saying it'll be "super-nerve-wracking" for the girls. Hey, is that a cape Catherine is wearing? Maybe she's a super-hero.

48 minutes to go now. Talk about network time-wasters. There's Sharleen, looking as radiant as ever! Okay, maybe there's hope for this needless hour yet.

Marcus and Lacy now. They're planning to get married. She says they're "80-40" on the date right now. No laughs from Harrison or Marcus. Was she the one who couldn't do math? I can't remember. Was this a knowing call-back or was she actually being dumb again?

Segments on some of the ladies now. The first one hands out free hugs in Los Angeles. Yeah, she'll want to move to Arlington. Next one is doing flips in DC. She's a news producer and weighlifter. Maybe there's a spot for her at the Arlington Gazette. Next is a ballet dancer/instructor. She lives with her mom and doesn't cook or clean. A perfect farm wife! Next is a fertility nurse with a cartoon voice. She is also without a top lip so I think if she kisses Chris, chipped teeth may be in the works. Next is a dental assistant with a kid. A toddler, in fact. She wants a man. Next is a flight attendant from New Jersey. She wants to fly off into the sunset with Chris. Next is a school councelor. She seems classy. She's a widow. Sad story. Way to bring things down. She believes in the multiple-soulmate theory. Convenient.

Women on the red carpet are holding up an "I heart Chris" sign. I think Harrison believes it's for him.

Here's Andi and her man, Josh. Josh looks shell-shocked. My guess is she had one of her patented blow-ups on the way there.

Only 26 more minutes to the first limo! Chris Harrison is still slagging Juan-Pablo. Stay classy, Harrison.

Here's Nikki to answer all our Juan-Pablo questions. They broke up, if you're following along at home. Harrison is asking leading questions. She says he wasn't comfortable expressing his emotions and she was, but she respected her boyfriend. She stood by her man. Harrison says, "for some reason" there was this animosity. Gee, I wonder why! She explains about the breakup. She's a nurse in Kansas City and he's in the entertainment business. She says they both tried. Glad she's not throwing him under the bus, despite Harrison pressuring her to. She says he really loved her and he supported her through her trying times. Harrison must be so disappointed. He hammers it home, though. She says he's so caring and is a good person. And he told her he loved her. Harrison, let it go! Man, this is a long segment.

Twelve more minutes. The tension is palpable.

Now Harrison is inside. It's a viewing party! Let's start viewing. Here's Chris in LA, riding his motorbike. He's way out of his element, he says. Like a fish on a motorbike, I guess. He's getting suited up, getting pins up his ass, going to a photoshoot. We see him showering outside. So bogus. All the while, he's reading the same script every Bachelor in history has read. He could potentially be meeting his future wife. He's ready. It's going to be a great journey.

One of the women describes Chris's "sexy" smile as a "real panty-dropper." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess she's not the virgin.

Quick notes on the ladies:
Britt, waitress, overwhelmed. Long hug. Hyperventilating. She gives him a little something. Seems pleasant and sweet. The gift is a free hug. Oh she's the wacky LA one.

Whitney, the cartoony fertility nurse. She takes charge. I thought she said she's watched the show since she was "an asshole." But I think that's her accent. Maybe she said "in high school."

Kelsey. Missed her occupation. She's very nice. Regular girl.

Megan, or Blondie, as Chris said. He says this is not going to be easy.

Ashley I., a freelance journalist. I think she's already drunk. She's beautiful but maybe a bit much.

Next limo:
He knocks on the window. That's a first.

Trina, a special ed teacher. She'll know how to handle Chris.

Reegan, carrying a cooler. She has a fun job selling human tissue. Weirdo. She shows him a human heart, but claims it's just a joke.

Cowboy time. Tara, a sports fishing person. She's wearing cutoffs, saying this is really her. Chris likes her style. The girls call her Daisy Duke. She probably has the leg up on the others with the farmer. But she felt totally judged by the others.

Amber, a bartender. Missed her brief chat. She must not factor into the mix.

Nikki, a former NFL cheerleader, who just jetted in from Peru. But someone's sneaking around and getting back in the limo and stealing her thunder.

Here she is again. It's the cowgirl, this time in a dress revealing an embarrassing shoulder tattoo. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl, she says. Chris got to see the real her.

The driver passes a note to Chris. He snickers and says, "Okay." We'll have to wait for the commercial to end to see what it said. I can hardly wait.

There's giggling from the limo. "Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs and kisses." Amanda, the ballet teacher, sneaks out. She talks to him from behind and runs inside. He says, "Is it okay to open my eyes?" Obviously he needs his ears checked if he didn't hear her walk into the house.

Mackenzie, a dental assistant. She says she's nervous but doesn't act it.

Jillian, news producer. She flexes her muscle for him.

Ashley S, a hair stylist. She seems normal until she sticks a lucky penny into his sole.

Kaitlyn, a dance instructor from my hometown of Vancouver. He says she's stunning. She says, "I know you're a farmer. You can plow the fuck out of my field any day." Okay, I'm pretty sure she's the virgin. She finds sparkle on his face then gets mock-furious, saying, "Who is she?!" But she's all about the laughs. That must explain the back arm tattoo.

Apparently that's everybody. He enters the adobe abode. Only fifteen women. So something's up. Vancouver girl tries to interrupt with a joke and Chris tells her to let him speak first. He's serious. They cheers his little speech. Now the joke: "Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal." Everyone's shocked. Except Megan, who didn't get it.

Everyone's wondering if more are coming. But we already know he'll have 30 women, so another surprise ruined by the producers.

Britt, the LA waitress, gets the first alone time with Chris. She speaks to his heart. She says she doesn't want to raise a family in LA. Small towns are where it's at. She gives him a free hug. If only he knew she does this to strangers on the street.

She felt like they almost kissed. It was "thisclose."

Everyone's highlighting their small town backgrounds.

Harrison drops off the first impression rose. Boy, that Vancouver woman is annoying. First time I can't cheer for the hometown girl.

In the audience, six women from his hometown talk to Harrison. That went nowhere. My wife made a comment but I'm too much of a gentleman to repeat it here.

The cartoon character tells Chris she makes babies every day. She asks Chris if he inseminates hogs. He doesn't. She replies that they have so much in common. I don't think she was listening to his answer. Although I guess it's technically true if she doesn't inseminate hogs, either. Chris says she's beautiful, smart and funny.

Three hours in (their time), there are still 15 girls.

Chris is on the hunt for the secret admirer. It's Amanda, the ballet teacher. The other girls know her because of her big eyes. The camera zooms in on them. Indeed!

Harrison takes Chris outside. He tells him the night isn't even close to being done. Here's the next limo. They must have been stuck in LA traffic.

Here are quick notes on the newbies:
Samantha, a fashion designer from LA. She'll fit right in on the farm. She can design the overalls.

Michelle, a cake designer. He says she's gorgeous. She replies he's a babe.

Juelia, an aesthetician from Portland. Nothing here since we're distracted the others on the inside.

Becca, a chiropractic assistant. He says she looks "out of this world."

Tandra arrives on motorbike. She got looks on the freeway.

Next limo:
Alissa, the flight attendant. She gives a seat belt demonstration for the bumpy ride ahead. The others are watching and judging from the windows.

Jordan, a student, brings him whiskey. They down the mini-bottles.

Miss Piggy, or Nicole, a real estate agent, arrives in pig nose. She wanted to "ham it up." Get it? Get it? Plus, she loves pigs. She says, "Oink, oink."

Brittany is a WWE diva in training. She's wearing something. Not sure what it is. She brings a cardboard sign that says #soulesmates

Carly is a cruise ship singer who brings a mini karaoke machine and sings to him.

One more limo arrives. One woman says, "I'm outta here." You know, I was thinking after the first 15 that they seemed all relatively normal (Vancouver chick notwithstanding). I think it was because of their lack of gimmicks. That's how they were separated. The second group was all gimmicks all the time.

Last limo:
Tracy, a grade four teacher. Or fourth grade, as they say in the States. She reads Chris some notes from her students. "Dear farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn't end up lonely with nine pets." She's sweet.

Bo is a plus-size model.

Kimberly a yoga instructor.

Kara, a high school soccer coach, who tells him they would make the cutest babies.

Jade, a cosmetics developer from LA. She's wearing a translucent top, or at least flesh-coloured. Seems sweet, though.

There's your dirty thirty.

Chris re-enters. Now he's got to come up with another speech on the fly. He's overwhelmed.

One girl has two kids, a six- and seven-year-old. Who was that? Another looked up some weird Iowan laws. Finds out it's illegal to operate an ice cream truck there. Chris doesn't know about that. Maybe he doesn't even know what an ice cream truck is.

Then it's a montage of claws, everyone interrupting everyone else. Panic sets in. As one of them said, "Not that it's a free-for all, but it's a free-for-all."

Chris has the quote of the season in episode 1: "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

But then Ashley S. starts in on onions and their similarity to people. She rips a flower out of the garden and gives it to the girl that's with Chris. Oh, it's the WWE diva, who walks off without the flower. Ashley S. is either really drunk or crazy or both.

Ashley S. mistakes a pomegranate for an onion and is in awe.

Mackenzie doesn't know what alfalfa is. Asks if it's organic. Chris is stumped.

Tara tells us her best friends are three whiskeys, then belches.

Jade asks what their karaoke duet would be. And she's not even the singer. Chris mentions some country singers. Ugh.

The first impression rose goes to Britt, the very first person we saw in the vignettes. She gives him another free hug. Or was it free? Seems like he bought it with a rose. They kiss. I am not going to get used to seeing this mug kissing all season, that's for sure.

Britt says, "I actually really like you." They walk in to the common room arm in arm. Tacky. Harrison walks in to take Chris away. Chris tells them for the third time he's "serious." The writers better get working for the second episode.

The live audience loves Britt. Harrison asks if anyone didn't like the kiss. No one spoke up. I would have.

Michelle Money, the psycho, says she heard Britt doesn't shower.

Harrison is obsessed with the kiss – or "make-out session," as he puts it.

You know, take away all this extraneous stuff with the red carpet and live audience, and the three-hour episode probably is only an hour. So maybe the Canadian way is the way to go after all.

Rose ceremony time. That's a lot of women standing there. He says he's ready to do this. But it's gut-wrenching to him. Man, it's just the first night, Chris!

Britt has one rose already. The others go in order to (and they really ought to superimpose their names with each selection this early into it):

  1. Kaitlyn, from Vancouver
  2. Jade, the cosmetics developer
  3. Samantha, the fashion designer
  4. Ashley I., the freelancer
  5. Tandra, the motorcycle mama
  6. Nikki, the ex-cheerleader
  7. Kelsey
  8. Megan/Blondie
  9. Alissa, the flight attendant
  10. Amber, the barmaid
  11. Juelia, the aesthetician
  12. Becca
  13. Trina, the special ed teacher
Chris leaves to tell Harrison he was going to pick Tara but she's too drunk. Don't know why he needed to talk it over.

   14. Mackenzie, aka Alfalfa
   15. Tracy, the elementary school teacher
   16. Tara, the drunken cowgirl with the bad tattoo
   17. Jordan, the whiskey-drinking student
   18. Jillian, the muscly news producer
   19. Whitney, the cartoon
   20. Carly, the cruise ship crooner
   21. Ashley S., the onion lady

That's 22 women next week. Quite a haul.

Big Eyes was shocked. She cries. You can imagine the size of those tears. Kara was humiliated. She cries. Kimberley says it was not meant to be.  She cries. She walks back in, despite the producers calling after her. She steals Chris for a second. But what will happen? We'll have to wait until next week.

Meanwhile, give me a moment to figure out who else was sent home. They were:

  1. Big Eyes Amanda, the ballet teacher
  2. Kara, the high school soccer coach
  3. Bo, the plus-size model
  4. Kimberley, the yoga instructor (maybe. We'll see next week.)
  5. Reegan, the human parts vendor
  6. Michelle, the gorgeous cake designer
  7. Nicole, the pig-nosed real estate agent
  8. Brittany, the WWE diva in training.

Does that add up to 30? I think so.

Chris Harrison tells us this will be the most dramatic and romantic season ever! I'm inclined to believe him because he never lies. Plus there was all that crying in the upcoming highlights and that never happens.

See you next week.


Barbara said...

Three hours and there are still twenty-two women left? Thank you so much for reminding me who they all were, I laughed all the way through!

Amy said...

"Oh look, here's Sean and Catherine. Catherine says they're "super-boring." This just in! Now she's saying it'll be "super-nerve-wracking" for the girls. Hey, is that a cape Catherine is wearing? Maybe she's a super-hero." HAHAHAHAHA!!

On Juan Pablo/Nikke: "Harrison, let it go!" AMEN!

Glad you're back!