Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo: All Chads are cads

That was a welcome week off, I've got to say. However, early on in the show I forgot all their names. I'd jot down things like "Vancouver guy" or "Chicken Legs." Don't worry, I'm all up to speed now.

This was the resolution to the big cliffhanger with Chad hiking through the woods at dusk whistling ominously before knocking on the cabin door and freaking out all the guys. They were in there celebrating like it was 1999 when they found out Bad Chad would no longer be with them. They were wearing party hats and eating cupcakes after ceremoniously scattering his protein powder to the wind.

Douchey Daniel answered the knock at the door and asked Bad Chad how his date went. "Went really good," he replied. Chad puts the "lied" back into "replied."

All the other guys meet him at the door. Bad Chad gets into it with Chicken Legs Jordan. When it's brought to his attention that he always chooses a threatening or violent route, Chad says he has no option: "The only thing I can think of is to get physical." I believe him. That is, I believe it's the only thing he can think of.

After the heavy convo and the guys go back to their party hats, sniveling Erectile Evan pipes up, reminding Chad that he owes him a new shirt. He better pray it's not delivered right to his home.

And that's that. Not a whole lotta drama. The guys practically throw Wee Alex into the air and sing For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. They call him America's hero. JoJo seems to like him, too. As they finish off their date, she bends down to kiss him as they both stand.

There's still a cocktail party. Robby and Chase both think their relationship with JoJo is ahead of the other guys. I don't see it. Although it may look that way to the others as they witness Robby and JoJo kissing by the fountain. It would mean more, though, if she didn't kiss everyone.

Some anonymous dude (I think it was James F.) wrote her a dreaded poem. Why do guys do this? Are that many people writing doggerel? How is there always someone in every group who has a stanza at the ready? But I gotta admit, out of all the horrible, horrible poetry we've heard on this show over the years, this one might be the best ever. Damning with faint praise, perhaps, but it wasn't completely cringe-worthy.

The bouffant guy (turns out to be Luke) told JoJo he's falling for her. He's already got a rose. Looking at them, I think there's no way they'd get together in real life. But then they kisss and it's real.

Pencil-necked Deejay Wells couldn't find a shirt with a small enough collar. Looked like he was wearing Bad Chad's hand-me-downs. That collar was floating around him.

The other pencil-necked guy, Erectile Evan, thought that the three pre-rosed guys – Bouffant Luke, Chicken Legs Jordan, and Wee Alex – were turning into mini-Chads. As the episode progressed, I agree that one of them was.

The roses went in order to:
  1. Bank teller Derek
  2. Metrosexual Swimmer Robby
  3. Chase
  4. Deejay Wells
  5. Fireman Grant
  6. Vinny the Barber
  7. Not James Taylor
  8. Erectile Evan (producer's pick)
That means we say goodbye to Douchey Daniel, who released his full Canadian with a, "Guys, take care, eh?" And his full douche with, "If this was based solely on looks, I'd still be there." He says Evan and Wells aren't in his league. Well, he's got a point there, I guess.

We also say goodbye to the poet, James F., who spoke well. I think if he had lasted another week he might have moved ahead of some of the others.

The gang flies off to Uruguay. Not James Taylor, whose mother is a geography teacher, thinks it's by Paraguay. Well, they sound like they might be beside each other. Turns out they don't border on each other, but they're kinda close. I'm sure his mom will give him a pass on that one.

They arrive at their new digs on a beach and Erectile Evan says they have a "360 degree view of the ocean." Hmm... I don't think Uruguay is a tiny island. Not sure how that works.

Jordan gets the first 1-on-1 date. He's the frontrunner, everyone seems to think, and I don't disagree or disapprove. But some think he's there for... wait for it... not the right reasons! I think they're jealous and insecure because he was in the NFL.

He tells JoJo he's falling in love with her. She says she "really likes" him. Ouch. Then she says she met an ex-girlfriend of his who says he wasn't the best boyfriend. How did this happen? When and how would she have met this woman? It had to have been before the season started, right? So how would she know who Jordan was?

But after the initial hard gulp, Jordan handled it well. He said he was focused on sports at the time and wasn't the best person but there was no cheating involved. He says he was immature and enjoyed talking to girls. JoJo is relieved. They kiss and he gets the rose. She thinks it could be "the start of the most perfect love story."

Back at the hotel, the guys are getting haircuts and they pick up a gossip magazine. Who knew Uruguay carried American gossip magazines? There's a story in there about dear JoJo that implies she might be in love with another man. The guys are horrified because, as they all know, gossip magazines are 100 percent truthful.

Her ex-boyfriend, another cad named Chad, penned the article. This show is bad press for Chads everywhere. A producer shows JoJo the article. She cries. She goes to the guys and tells them she's not faking this thing. Actually, what she said is she doesn't want them thinking that she's faking. That may be her semantic out.

JoJo took a group out sand-surfing. Didn't last long. Rain sent them scampering. Isn't it ironic? (No, no it isn't.) Under shelter she tells the group date that she really hopes her husband is "one of you guys." I guess that leaves out Robby and Jordan. Oh well. They were back at the hotel getting the full spa treatment, complete with facial, cucumber over the eyes, and pedicure.

Now Wee Alex, the second strongest guy in the original group after Bad Chad, starts showing his own roid rage. He keeps calling the sweet bank teller Derek variations on a "bitch." And it doesn't help when JoJo gives the group date rose to Derek, saying she wanted to give him "reassurance." Alex calls him "an insecure little bitch" and characterizes it as a "pity rose."

The last 1-on-1 went to Robby, who JoJo says is a good balance of "playful, flirty and sensitive." Maybe, but that doesn't mean she's attracted to him. At least I hope so. But it's the first time we've heard that the "former competitive swimmer" was actually an Olympian. No wonder she likes him.

They stand on a cliff overlooking the water and decide to jump. They strip down and just happen to be wearing swim suits under their clothes. Robby's is definitely not an Olympic swim trunks. JoJo is nervous but she trusts Robby. He makes her feel alive, she says. He has an "emotional intelligence," whatever that means.

At dinner, he speaks of his best friend who died a year ago in a car accident. He was texting and drove off a bridge. The lesson? Yes, don't text and drive, sure, but also life is short. So within six months, Robby quit his job, got out of a 3.5-year relationship, and moved. And then he drops this bombshell: "I've fallen in love with you, JoJo. I have. I love you. I do." Good Lord!

They kiss. She appreciates his vulnerability. He gets a rose. On the beach, they kiss some more and there are literal and figurative fireworks.

There will be no cocktail party but just before the rose ceremony, Derek decides to confront the negativity he's feeling towards him by calling aside Wee Alex, Jordan and Chase. The trio were pretty upset that he'd bother them with this. Because... not sure. Jordan said it's petty and a non-issue. Maybe, but if that's the case, who cares? No reason to get upset. Wee Alex called Derek a "sensitive little bitch" this time.

Only five roses to be handed out on this night. With Robby, Derek and Jordan already pre-rosed, the remaining five go to:
  1. Luke's Bouffant
  2. Chase
  3. Wee Alex
  4. Not James Taylor
  5. Deejay Wells
Three more go home. That'd be Erectile Evan, Fireman Grant, and Vinny the Barber. Evan says the news was like daggers through his heart. He's really, really said. "I tried," he says. Daddy's going home.

Grant was hurt but confused. Vinny cried. It was the most screen time he's had all season.

Next week the lads and JoJo are off to neighbouring Argentina. The producers decide to give us a spoiler. When it comes down to the final rose next week, she doesn't want to give it out. And in the final episode, we see her saying goodbye at the altar to a man she loves. And it's not Wee Alex because she was looking up to him.


Barbara said...

Pretty surprised with the group JoJo has left...but oh well. I vote for Grant for the next Bachelor!

LaneyBoggs said...

"she bends down to kiss him as they both stand" Ah ha ha ha!!! I love this blog so much!!!!