Saturday, June 11, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo: Testost-o-fest!

Hello Bachelor Blog fans and shut-ins everywhere! Sorry for the extremely late recap. Whatchagonna do? Sometimes reality gets in the way of reality TV.

That was an exhausting two days... and crammed into one for me. I was unable to watch the regular Monday night shenanigans last night until after dinner on Tuesday. I sped through it then immediately jumped into the Tuesday night escapades. That's entirely too much Bachelorette for one evening. And then I was out and about until now. Thank God next week is a bye.

It was also entirely too much Bad Chad for a lifetime. I think I'm looking forward to the Men Tell All episode just so we can hopefully get some closure on him and hear that it was all just a really bad edit he got. Or he gives us a mea culpa. If what we saw is in any way indicative of the truth of his character, I'm afraid for Jordan and Alex... and Derek... and Grant...

I guess it's only a matter of time before something sinister happens on this show. The producers seem to go further trying to create drama by selecting questionable people just because they make for good TV so that it might eventually backfire. And it'll be on them if it does. Yes, there's personal responsibility, but there's also enabling and goading, which I'm sure they do.

Every season, the obvious villain gets at least some love from a faction of the viewers out there. Does Chad have his supporters? If so, what are they saying? I mean, apart from, "He's totally ripped!"

Chase got the first one-on-one date on Monday. He and JoJo partook of a hot yoga session that included pelvic thrusts ("hey, hey") and angergasms. It was also revealed that Chase has a very large birthmark on one whole side of his torso. JoJo seemed to dig it, though.

They sat nose to nose, their hearts in alignment, their third eyes in alignment, and their crotches in alignment, sweating on each other. The staredown couldn't last, though. Chase dove in for a kiss and they got it on. JoJo loves the funny, playful, goofy side of Chase. Once again, the editors decided not to show us any of that side. She says she can see a future with him, therefore he was gifted a rose.

She had one more surprise for him. Not sure what the first one was, but it had to be better than the second. It was yet another in a long line of anonymous, generic singers giving them a private concert.

Back at the house, Bad Chad and Daniel were counting calories, grazing, and lifting 50 lb. barbells on each arm. Beside them, Erectile Evan was doing shallow knee bends.

Next up was the group date and the start of an endless series of arguments and threats. It started with Bad Chad (of course) being selected for the not-so-coveted group date. He said he didn't even want to go. His reason was that he'd rather have a one-on-one than a twelve-on-one. Everyone chimes in. Derek suggests he cross his name off the list since there are no rules. After all the chatter, Erectile Evan says four words: "Is there a Sharpie?" Chad says, "Evan, stop talking."

Instead of the usual talking smack to the cameras away from the villain, these guys get off zingers right to the guy. When some of the guys say they're going to have to work together on the date whether they like each other or not, Chicken Legs Jordan said that if you end up on Chad's team, you should hope it's a bench press competition and not a spelling contest. Oh yes he did!

Cheap shot, for sure, but pretty good considering Bad Chad was sitting right there. Chad countered with, "Wait, what? You trying to insinuate that I'm stupid, Jordan? You're a 27-year-old failed football player. You've done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather."

Then Wee Alex pipes in and Bad Chad says, "You're going to need more tattoos to look like a badass." I was wondering where Chad's best bud Daniel was in all of this, but as the two episodes played out, Daniel tipped back towards normalcy. Still best buds with Chad, but often provided the voice of reason to him.

The group date went to a theatre to see a live show called Sex Talks, various monologues on the subject of sex. The dirty dozen had 45 minutes to come up with a story to share with the audience. Guess who's not that into it?

Bad Chad felt that sex is something you keep to yourself. "She hasn't earned that yet. My life is my business," he tells Daniel. But Daniel told him to loosen up, in so many words, and have fun with it.

The snippets we saw were all pretty good. Fireman Grant told of breaking his virginity – technically – in a double sleeping bag in a park before being arrested wearing nothing but a condom. St. Nick ripped off an old Sam Kinison routine on the subject of cunnilingus. Jordan spoke of flaccid penises. Daniel's was weird – he cut some date's hair with a knife. Wells' story ended with him lying on the floor simulating a long fart.

And then it was Evan's turn. He decided that the pen is mightier than the sword. Or, in this case, his mouth was mightier than Bad Chad's muscles. He talked about the effects of steroids. Not sure how this related to sex, but maybe the part about the shrinking of the penis was edited out. Instead he talked about irritability, withdrawal and complaining that your date is nagging – a clear dig. The guys loved it. Chad? Not so much. As Evan was going to sit down, Chad grabbed his shirt at the back of his neck and ripped it. We all saw it. But as the evening progressed, Chad decided to Trump it up, figuring if he just repeated a lie, it would soon become the truth. He said Erectile Evan shoved him and was bullying him. At no point did anyone ever mention that, you know, he did it on a TV show with cameras all around. He stuck by his story.

Chad went last. He came up to the stage and said he needed a volunteer, then called JoJo up. Chad, beside being a bad speller, apparently is not familiar with the definition of "volunteer." Anyway, he said he's not about the past, but the future. Then he leaned down and headed straight for her lips. To her credit, she turned her head away at the last second. He throws the mic down and walks off stage.

Heading backstage, Bad Chad gave a knockout punch to a door, bleeding his knuckles. Daniel told him to chill. Then Chad said, "If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder someone." Get this man some barbells stat!

Jordan called it roid rage. Maybe he's onto something. I'm so naïve, I actually thought he got his muscles just through lifting weights. But it makes sense.

At the after party, JoJo was sitting with someone (Nick maybe?) and Chad came to interrupt. For the first time in franchise history, the interrupter was shut down by the opposite sex. That's twice in one day for Bad Chad. JoJo told Chad that the guy had just sat down. So Chad walks off and sits right around the corner on the pair. They're creeped out so they move to another room.

Throughout the night, Chad would walk right past the alone times JoJo was having with others. It conveniently never happened when she was playing tonsil hockey with someone. When Bad Chad finally got his alone time, he told her he didn't want to be with 12 dudes. JoJo seemed a bit offended. And then Erectile Evan interrupted them. Nicely played, Evan. Chad walks off, glances himself in a mirror then does a Full Fonzie, reversing his tracks back to the mirror to fix his already perfect hair. Heyyy!

With Evan's alone time, he tells JoJo that she's gotta pick either Chad or him. He can't stick around if Chad's going to be there. JoJo doesn't like the ultimatum because she's not ready to choose. On the one hand, Bad Chad is hot and she hasn't really seen his volatile side; on the other hand, Evan is... Evan.

I mean, I feel for Chadster. Everyone's trying to make him come off like he's a big jerk. And it's working... Sorry, that's what he said. For a minute there, I bought his inane accusation. When Evan asked him, "Why are you here?", Chad answered, "You're trying to bully me. Leave me alone. Just stay away." Evan is speechless, as he should be. It was so ridiculous, so Trumpian, there's nothing to say to it.

Rose time and she asks to speak to Evan. She starts in saying, "I like you. You're amazing. You're an unbelievable father. It's hard for me to make a decision right now," etc. Great misdirection! She totally had me going. I thought Evan was going to get the boot but he got the rose instead! She then gives him a quick pity peck. But to Evan, that pity peck was a full-on make-out sesh. He told the cameras, in his dad voice, "Guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!"

When the two return to the group and they find out Evan got the rose, Chad looks legitimately confused. She's talking and Chad's face is making all sorts of fantastic faces like she's speaking another language. She notices and says, "Are you good?" He says, "Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now? I'm just honestly being curious. You're actually right now vibing this dude?" I believe his was being sincere. Think about it: It's reality TV. He knows things are staged. Also, out of all the guys there, Evan couldn't possibly be the first choice for a rose. So I understand his confusion.

JoJo didn't appreciate his confusion, though. She said she didn't like this side of him. It was disrespectful, she said. Chad told the cameras, "No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come and sweep their front yard." I would have gone with "fix their computer" but same idea.

Next we find out that Chad's roommate Derek is scared for his life. A security guard is dispatched to the mansion to keep a watchful eye over Bad Chad.

The one-on-one went to Not James Taylor. It's was a 1940s (or thereabouts)-themed date. They learned swing dancing from a 92-year-old that culminated with dancing with a flash mob.

Back at the house, Douchey Daniel started his transition into Somewhat Normal Daniel. He tried talking sense into Chad, telling him to use logical reasoning and let cooler heads prevail. Then he showed he's an astute political mind. He started by saying, "Pretend you're Hitler or Trump." He thought it makes him look bad by association to be hanging around with a Hitler or Trump. His advice?: Take it down a notch. Aim for Mussolini, the founder of fascism, or Bush.

On the date, Not James Taylor was playing the self-deprecation card, telling JoJo he had "a lot of bad things." Maybe he knew she likes bad boys. Turns out his bad things were just being teased for having big ears and a long neck when he was a kid. They called him "Luke Long Neck." Um, makes sense...?

JoJo tells him he's the whole package and gives him the rose. He "thanks" her by whipping out his guitar and auditioning to America that he, too, one day, might make a perfect anonymous country crooner on some future season.

But JoJo was digging it. Even though he was in the dreaded "friend zone" earlier, she gave him a decidedly non-friendship kiss while sitting on the back of an old turquoise convertible.

Chris Harrison arrived at the mansion to tell the boys there'd be no cocktail party that night before the rose ceremony. Instead, there'd be an all-day pool party. As he left, Erectile Evan chased after him to tell him all about Bad Chad and how he ripped Evan's shirt and punched a door. This kills me. As if Chris Harrison doesn't know what's happening. Remember, the cameras?

Here's how you know the producers prefer conflict over a good match: Harrison calls Chad aside right then. Chad had to know who ratted him out. It also kills me that Chad is insisting that Evan pushed him. Remember, the cameras?

Anyway, Harrison instructs Bad Chad to go settle the situation by talking to the guys in a way that "might be received well." The episode ends with upcoming highlights of violence and mayhem. There's blood, there are threats, there's Chad saying he's going to "cut arms and legs off and throw them in the pool." And we all know how accurate the upcoming highlights are.

So the second night the show opens with Chad's version of an apology. He tells the guys he has no issues. Squeaky Evan pipes up that Chad owes him a new shirt and an apology. Chad offers to give him 20 bucks. And he insists again that Evan pushed him. Too bad there were no witnesses who could corroborate one side or the other.

At the pool part, the guys do a Busby Berkeley-style domino dive. There's no way Chad would be a part of such a thing. On pause and replay, it cannot be confirmed or denied that he was part of it. The editors clearly didn't want us to know because Evan emerged from the water with a bleeding nose. Had to be Chad, right? Chad claims he was 100 feet away. He probably was. And, in fact, we learn later that Evan just gets nosebleeds a lot. So big cliffhanger blood part 1 was phony.

What's with all the necklaces the guys are wearing? Did they have arts & crafts day at the mansion we never saw?

Chad continues eavesdropping on all the alone times during the pool party. He overhears Derek talking about him so he takes his ex-roommate aside. Derek tells Chad perception is reality so if everyone thinks he's a jerk, he's a jerk. Chad tells him to stop talking about him with JoJo. Derek has a great response that shuts Chad up: "If she asks me a question, I will tell her you asked me to say that." Nice.

It's rose ceremony time. It's clear the producers want Chad around. And we know the last rose is always the producers' choice. So there's no drama when Bad Chad is left hanging with one rose to go. The pre-rosed dudes are Chase's Birthmark, Squeaky Evan and Not James Taylor. The rest go in order to:
  1. Fireman Grant
  2. Derek the Teller
  3. Chickenlegs Jordan
  4. War Vet Luke
  5. All-Wet Robby (the former competitive swimmer)
  6. Spindly Wells
  7. James F.
  8. Vinny the Barber
  9. Nearly Normal Daniel
  10. Wee Alex
  11. Bad Chad
Gone are Christian, Ali's Eyebrows, and St. Nick. JoJo can expect a lump of coal in her stocking this year.

The remaining gang says goodbye to the mansion. They're off for a fresh start to Pennsylvania and a "manly and rugged" resort that Squeaky Evan feels comfortable with.

Luke gets a date. They go on a dog sled... on wheels, then Luke chops wood for a wood-burning hot tub. The tub is a little too hot for JoJo so Luke helps her in by grabbing her ass and easing her into the water. "He's a gentleman," gushed JoJo.

She calls him a "beautiful looking GQ model." My TV must have faulty reception. I think he looks weird but I can't figure out why. He brings the show to a halt by describing his tour of duty as a platoon leader in Afghanistan, talking about death. He says he's an emotional guy who loves hair standing up on his neck. Ew!

Luke get the rose. But JoJo has "one more surprise" than the zero surprises she's given so far. You guessed it! It's another concert by another anonymous, generic country singer. He may as well have been the same singer as the last episode for all I know. Looked and sounded the same to me.

The group date follows the rules whereby one of the participants is a professional (or was) in the activity. It's a football date and old Chickenlegs played briefly as a QB in the NFL. And it's in this game that we see the promised blood that was hinted would be at the hands of Bad Chad. But Bad Chad wasn't on the date. Not James Taylor just happened to gash his head in combat and required some stitches. Had nothing to do with Bad Chad. Do you feel angry when you see we've been misled? Or duped? Or do you just take it in stride and laugh at how the producers tricked us?

Oh, and Squeaky Evan got another random un-Chad-related nosebleed.

Because there were an odd number of players, Chickenlegs got to play universal quarterback, ensuring he'd get to go out that night with JoJo no matter which team won. The game was tight and Derek stole the ball and ran in for the winning TD.

All-Wet Robby, wearing no socks with his loafers, was the first to say he's falling in love with JJ. They kissed on the pool table.

But it was Chickenlegs Jordan who got the rose. He was the MVP. JoJo and Jo.

Another amusing exchange was going down when Bad Chad called Wee Alex a "whiny little bitch." Grant called Chad a "coward." Then Chad invited everyone to join him outside. There were no takers. He then threatened Jordan that crossed a line, in my opinion, even for this show. He said, "You think I won't go out of my way to come to your house?" Jordan smirked and said, "Good one, tough guy. Please come find me." I certainly wouldn't test him. And then Jordan said he thinks Chad has mental instability.

Squeaky Evan was still sticking around despite what he told JoJo about it's him or Chad, not both. Liar.

A two-on-one between Bad Chad and Wee Alex was next. Since Chad seems so sensible, they decided to go out to a deserted forest. Good move, producers. Nothing can go wrong here. The two men take a chopper out to the middle of nowhere.

The three of them sit awkwardly by a river. Alex gets the first alone-time. Chad's not worried. Nobody buys the first house they see, after all. Then he adds pithily that if Alex talks about him, he'll "take his teeth home." Oh, that Chad! Such a comedian!

Alex tells all and it's eye-opening for JoJo. And then JoJo pulls a Chris Harrison and rats out Alex: "I just talked to Alex and he told me some things," she begins. Why would she throw Alex under the bus like that? JoJo talks sternly to Bad Chad and I loved his utter confusion again at how he handles things. He says to her, "If you have a better way of handling it...." He honestly thinks his only options are to 1. threaten violence, and 2. commit violence.

He leaves her and walks back to Alex, a sitting duck. Chad whistles ominously and faux-cheerfully as he hikes. He sits down beside Alex calmly. Lies down. Takes a sip from a cup. Then says, "I'm not very happy with you. I'm not mad; I'm just disappointed" followed by a series of veiled threats because what else is he going to do?

JoJo returns. She asks if he's threatened anyone? "That's not 100 percent false," he answers. She grabs the rose and gives it to Wee Alex. Then she gets up and takes Alex by the hand without any further ado. Chad wonders, "Am I getting pranked right now?"

He says, "He told her I threatened people. Now I've gotta go find Alex." He walks through the forest in the dark, whistling. The episode ends with him knocking on the house door and sliding his sweaty hands down the door window like a psychopath.

Of course in two weeks' time, we'll return to see it was nothing and we'll go, "Oh you producers, you got us good! Again!" Suckers, we are.


Anonymous said...

Always look forward to reading your very entertaining blog! Thanks for making me laugh out loud on an early Saturday morning!

Kelly said...

Since I know it has been keeping you up at night, I think the necklaces they wear are microphones...

Barbara said...

Microphones...great idea. Maybe the girls will be wearing statement necklaces with their bikinis next! No pun intended.