Week Five: Jake sacrifices a virgin

What week are we in now? Only week five? With so few gals left? How will they pad this thing out? More important, how many questions can I start a blog post with? Five? Six? Seven? (The answer: eight, it turns out.)

I think they’ll do just fine and it may turn out for the best. Considering the cameras are on them 20/7 (TM, I just coined that phrase), so much gets left on the cyber-cutting room floor. If you stick around to the very end each week, there are always out-takes that I think are sometimes the best part of the show. And on the official website there are always deleted scenes that probably shouldn’t have been deleted. Maybe we can see more of these types of scenes now that Jake the Flake (TM) is tossing out women by the armful.

Reader Rachel makes a great point in the comments section (thanks for them all, by the way). Obviously ABC doesn’t want to give up too much of prime time to a guy’s religious beliefs, but we have to assume that if a Christian God and faith is the number one factor in determining a future wife, he’s probably having that conversation with all of them and we’re just not seeing it because, well... for obvious reasons. Non-fundamentalists would turn the channel in droves. And, continuing with this conjecture, if said woman wasn’t ultra-religious, he would know right then and there not to keep her around. Which makes perfect sense why he would eliminate so many of them at once. How does the vapid and shallow Spoiled Vienna manage to stick around? Don’t forget, as a teenager she was engaged to her pastor’s son, which assumes a few things: 1. She has a pastor. 2. She attends church. 3. She’s religious. 4. While getting married at such a young age isn’t the wisest of moves, it shows Jake she was probably not willing to have sex before marriage. And when you consider that, according to Classy Corrie anyway, Vienna likes to walk around topless showing off her boobs, we can assume Jake has a bad case of the Madonna-whore complex.

Speaking of the official website, have any of you seen Jake’s playlist? Good Lord. I happen to believe you can tell a lot about a person from their taste in music. Yes, we all have guilty pleasures on our iPods, and if you were to do a random sampling from mine, maybe I’d look like a knob, too. But this is something different. This was a top ten list, if you will, that Jake chose as a representation of how he wants to present himself. Let’s take a gander, shall we?:

1. Casey Donahew Band - "Ramblin Kind" - "They are a big Texas Country favorite. Very talented artists. I've seen them several times".

Never heard of them, but they’re a country band, so why would I? The fact he chose them first and has seen them several times is disturbing and any woman with an ear for music should carefully consider whether she wants to be around that for the next sixty years before accepting any more roses.

2. Aerosmith - "Love in an Elevator" - "I've been following Aerosmith longer than I can remember".

Aerosmith. Really. He’s been “following” them for a long, long time. And admits to it.

3. Bon Jovi - "Livin on a Prayer" - "Need I say anything about this one".

Uh, no. No, you don’t, Jake. Nuff said. But just because “prayer” is in the title doesn’t make it a hymn, dummy. Also, aren't Aerosmith and Bon Jovi the same band?

4. Toto - "Africa" - "Takes me back to the 80's"!

He liked crappy music in the 80s, too.

5. Eagles - "Take it to the Limit" - "AWESOME slow dance song"!

This one gets CAPS so you know it must be good. Unless, you know, you’ve actually heard it before.

6. Kings of Leon - "Sex on Fire" -"For some reason, I can't stop myself from singing along with this one.

Naughty, naughty Jake.

7. Gisselle - "Lo Quero a Morir" - "One of the most talented latin tropical artists ever!" High energy dance merengue.

I don’t know Gisselle. But if she ranks seventh after the likes of Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Toto and the Eagles, I’m not sure I want to find out.

8. Rascal Flatts - "Take me There" - "I think everyone in Texas likes Rascal Flatts."

Never heard of them, either. But just spent an excruciating four minutes on their website listening to one of their “new country” songs.

9. Gloria Estefan - "Tres Deseos" - "If you want to make a girl sweat on the dance floor, can't go wrong with this one. Super High Energy!"

Hey, I don’t mind Gloria Estefan in a kitschy kind of way. Would I include her in a public top ten list to the world? Not a chance.

10. Lifehouse - "First Time"-"Really good beat for a hard workout".

For a second I thought it was Lighthouse and got excited he included a legendary Canadian band. But no, it’s Lifehouse. I just listened to a sampling of “First Time”. A sampling is all I need.

So what I’ve learned is that Jake has as much taste in music as he has in women.

(Okay, turnabout is fair play. I won’t make a top ten list because that would require thought. But I’ll fire up the old iPod, set it to shuffle, and give you the first ten that show up, embarrassing or not. So you can judge me appropriately:

1. Louis Prima - “St. Louis Blues”
2. Elvis Costello - “Two Little Hitlers”
3. Richard Cheese - “Add it Up”
4. Smoking Popes - “Stars”
5. Rilo Kiley - “The Good That Won’t Come Out”
6. Stevie Wonder - “Too Shy to Say”
7. Oscar Peterson - “Honeysuckle Rose”
8. Joani Taylor - “Imagine My Frustration”
9. Leo Ferre -”Soleils Couchants”
10. Arethra Franklin - “Oh No Not My Baby”

I’ll put that list up any day of the week over Jake’s. Judge me if you will.

Okay, on with the show.

SEGMENT 1: Down to the final five. I wonder how many will go home tonight. The girls are still in the RV, heading to San Francisco, Former Front Runner Ali’s hometown (living up to the name, by the way. She was third in last week’s poll).

Jake says he feels really strong about the final five. Yet when he greets the RV at the hotel, his face belies those words. His smile looks forced. It’s not the smile of a guy who is jazzed to see the women of his dreams.

I don’t think the girls have ever stayed at a hotel before. Yes, it’s a five-star one and admittedly pretty nice, but really, it’s a hotel. The way they’re going on about the view and the beds is a bit over the top. I could understand if it was the hillbilly Ella, but these are all city girls.

This week there are three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. He will get to know the ladies on a much deeper level. i.e. no hide-and-seek or spin-the-bottle.

The first date card is for Dumb Divorced Tenley: “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco!” Hello trolley car. She’s so excited she takes gosh’s name in vein twice.

SEGMENT 2: Jake digs Tenley’s positivity. They walk out to the street and they see a trolley come around the corner. The Dumb one asks if they’re taking it. Uh, “let’s get our love on track”? Hello? They get it all to themselves and are delivered to Chinatown. “It’s amazing!” enthuses Jake. “It feels like you’re in a foreign country.”

Tenley feels like they’re a couple already. And you know what? They make a nice couple, I gotta admit. What you see is what you get with both of them, I think. They’re nice looking, not too deep, decent people. If she weren’t already divorced by the age of 25, I’m sure Jake would have no hesitation at all. He’s starting to fall for her, but he wants to get into her... head. What were you thinking?

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. I think Classy Corrie reads it. I’m guessing that’s her because she looks different in every single shot. But through process of elimination, I figure it’s gotta be her. Anyway, the big news is that the two-on-one date is with Former Front Runner Ali and Spoiled Vienna! How awesome is that?! “Come be the queen in my castle!” the note reads.

No wait! The funny Corrie does it again. She was kidding. Ooh, I like a girl with a sense of humour, even if she does possess the alien-like ability to shapeshift. So the real twosome is Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna. The Spoiled one is now living up to her name. I deserve a pat on the back for these nicknames which I assigned on the very first episode. She’s upset. So she gets into it with the Former Front Runner, who wants to know why she’s mad at her. Ali sure is losing points in a hurry. She asks what she did, and Vienna rightly mentions her flipping out at the rose ceremony because Vienna was chosen. Ali’s response: “How do you know that was because of you?” Once again, I must remind Ali that there is film in the cameras and this is being recorded for air on a national network. Now Ali digs a deeper hole by saying it has nothing to do with Vienna; it’s her opinion. Um, I think that makes sense. Does it? Maybe not. “This isn’t about who’s a better person,” Ali says. “Everyone has faults. I have a lot of them.” I gotta say she wasn’t very convincing. Kinda disappointed in the Former Front Runner. She coulda had class. She coulda been a contender. She coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what she is, let’s face it (said in my best Marlon Brando impression).

SEGMENT 3: Back on the date, Jake the Flake and Dumb Divorced Tenley have dinner at Coit Tower. He says she’s the one he pictures most as his wife. But he’s trying hard not to fall too hard too fast because of her divorce. Did I not mention that not three paragraphs ago? I’m good, I gotta admit. You’re lucky to have me. (Wait, don’t go! Sometimes I just get full of myself. I’m human. Everyone has faults. I have a lot of them.)

At dinner Jake asks what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took her husband for granted and lounged around on the couch when he walked in. She vows to never make that mistake again. Uh-huh.

She turns the tables on him and asks about his expectations of marriage. He answers, “I expect my wife to always, no matter what, to have my back. No matter what. Respect from my wife is one of the most important things to me.” In other words, get your lazy ass up off the couch when I walk in the door. “And to trust that I will love, honour and respect no matter what. Even when I do something stupid, hurt her feelings.” Tenley pretends to be impressed.

One more question from Tenley about pilots and faithfulness. I didn’t know there was a correlation, but maybe there is. Jake says cheating is a choice. I agree. But then he says the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. Oh, sweet, naive Jake. Why set yourself up to fail?

After kissing, they decide to open up their specially made fortune cookies. They each took turns creating a fortune for the other. So Tenley opens hers up. It reads, “Kiss me.” Jake opens his up: “Kiss me.” So they kiss some more. Then they go outside and kiss yet again.

SEGMENT 4: A big trunk arrives at the hotel suite filled with clothes for Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna on their date. Jackets and scarves and shirts and dresses. Vienna says, not fully understanding how TV works, that it was “really, really, really sweet of him. It meant a lot.” No wonder most of these relationships end up in the toilet after a season is over. When the producers aren’t around to do all these really sweet things, the bloom is off the rose. Reality bites.

The date is at a castle winery in Napa Valley. Can we expect more frolicking in the vineyard? One can only dream. Jake doesn’t like the 2-on-1 dates because he doesn’t know how to divide his time between the women.

Red flag #1: “I’m my dad’s princess. Now I’m Jake’s queen. And he’s my Prince Charming.” – Spoiled Vienna.

Vienna dominates the conversation and poor wallflower Gia feels like the third wheel. Classy as always, Vienna says she’s going to try to keep Jake’s attention on her and that while Gia is around, she’s going to pretend she’s not even there. How to win friends and influence people, Vienna-style. And true to her word, while the three of them are sitting around making small talk, Vienna starts emoting about the last rose ceremony, as if Gia weren’t even there. Gia, meanwhile, sits there sucking on her Band-aid taking it all in. She must be loving this.

Jake admits the dinner was awkward. He finally steals Gia away from that train wreck. Gia tells Jake she’s always cold. Can’t see why. She must weigh close to a hundred pounds.

She also says that while she may not act insecure or seem insecure, she’s probably the most insecure girl in the fivesome. You would have thought that collagen, plastic surgery and fake boobs would have given her a level of security, but maybe it just speaks to how big of a basketcase she was before her new look.

Gia opens up once they’re alone. Apparently Jake’s thing is to have each girl’s legs on him, and they all found out about it. That hurt Gia. She thought it was just their thing. Not to defend the guy, but there are only so many intimate lounging positions that can be shown on TV. What did she expect? That he liked her legs on him, but with Vienna he likes his legs on her, and with Ali he likes her right leg on him, and with Tenley he likes her left on him, and with Corrie he likes their legs intertwined? He avoids the charge that they’re all the same to him and tells her she’s not lost in a crowd. He’s really, really into her.

Now, I may make cracks about her face job or lip enhancement, and for all I know she’s a natural beauty who’s never had a day’s work done on her. But isn’t it odd that in their little tete-a-tete she won’t take her hands away from her mouth and when she does she flips her hair down in front of her face or bows her head or scrunches up her lips or bites them? It’s as if she doesn’t want him to get a good look at it. Suspicious. Or maybe it’s just her insecurity.

As they neck, Spoiled Vienna goes on the prowl looking for them. This could be good. She doesn’t want him kissing or cuddling anybody else, she says, as we get a close-up of Gia’s tongue in Jake’s mouth.

SEGMENT 5: The kissing continues, but stops before Vienna finally finds them. She wants her boyfriend now, even if he does taste like a mixture of collagen and lip gloss.

Vienna gets some alone time with Jake. She drapes her legs over his lap, just the way he likes her to. And only her. He looks worried. He asks her what married life would be like with her. She rambles on about wanting kids and wanting to travel and waking up in exuberant love. She doesn’t think it (the love, one presumes) should just die down. Ah, sweet youth.

When she sees him with other girls, “it’s like a knife through the heart”, she says choking up. That’d be Red Flag #2. “I don’t want to share you anymore.”

Back at the hotel, another card arrives. There’s not much drama considering everyone gets a date and no one has to pack their bags. But they play along and pretend to be excited. The date is for Classy Corrie, the Shapeshifter: “Love is a walk in the park.” Let me guess... they’re going to a... parking lot? I dunno. These things are so damned cryptic!

Vienna and Gia go to their shared room in the castle while the shirtless Jake gets ready for bed. And Spoiled Vienna sneaks off to be with him because she thought (rightly) that during their one-on-one time his mind was somewhere else. Gia thinks (rightly) that she’s making a big mistake. Vienna brings Jake a big glass of wine and giggles that she doesn’t want to have to go back to her room tonight. Jake tells us – no, he assures us – that he had dirty thoughts, just like Jimmy Carter, but that nothing was going to happen. And nothing does, leaving Spoiled Vienna confused about where she stands.

SEGMENT 6: Classy Corrie, the Shapeshifter, is only 23. Did I know that? That’s too young to get married. Or at least too young to get married and stay married.

I know she’s all excited for her one-on-one date with Jake and she wants to make a good impression, but did you get a load of her footwear? She knows she’s going for a walk in the park and she’s wearing pumps.

Out on a rowboat, Corrie thinks they’re getting really comfortable with each other but it sounds stilted to me. Maybe it’s the nature of the beast, and I know darling Jillian was guilty of this, but every date shouldn’t sound like a job interview. And when they’re not talking, it’s even more awkward as they sit silently waiting for the other to make the first move. Classy Corrie comes by her nickname honestly, too. She’s a lady. She doesn’t make the first move. She says he should go 90 percent and she’ll make up the other 10. Jake agrees a man should make the first move, but his math is different. He’s only willing to go in 80 percent. That leaves him ten percent off his target. He puts an end to the terminal tension with, “I’m about ready for dinner.” Good call, sugar lips.

He likes being around Corrie but for the life of him can’t figure out why it’s going so slow with her. Might have something to do with that ten percent, loverboy.

Back at the suite, there’s a card. Who could it be for?! It’s for Ali! Will the surprises never cease?! “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city.” She gets to dictate this date. Vienna, naturally, is so happy for her.

Jake and Corrie head to a science centre. He asks her if she’s ever been to a museum after hours. What the hell did he expect? Unless she’s a curator or a janitor, chances are she hasn’t.

They sit down to dinner in front of a giant aquarium because, you know, that’s what you do at a science centre. Corrie realizes the date has been a bit awkward so she addresses it and they start into the job interview. She says she wouldn’t live with someone before marriage because that’s part of the gift of marriage. Hey, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free, am I right, ladies? She says she’s saving herself for marriage. As silly as I think that notion is, I gotta respect a beautiful woman who does it. Someone with no, or very few, options I can understand. But someone like Classy Corrie has no doubt had many invitations to be deflowered. Man, though, with Jake’s religious background and now Corrie’s wish to leave her hymen intact for the foreseeable future, the fantasy suite episodes are going to be a major let-down.

They do kiss, though. It looks like he gave in and went in the whole 90 percent. Well done, sir. I wasn’t sure you had it in you.

SEGMENT 7: Ali prepares for her date. Does she look like a young Jody Foster? Kind of, I think. Hopefully she won’t switch teams later in life, though.

They head up to the roof to get their bearings then head out in the city. He stops to buy her flowers in her neighbourhood. Jake says it would be fun to have a place in Dallas and a place in S.F. He actually says S.F. The initials. That’s the first I’ve ever heard anyone refer to it that way. Is that common?

She takes Jake through a typical Sunday, which starts by her checking her e-mail. Aren’t we at the point now where that is just a given? Doesn’t everyone? If you’re going to mention that as part of your day, why not your morning constitution?

Potential Red Flag moment for Ali: She says she knows she doesn’t come from a picture-perfect family. And she’s okay with it. Oh, please, please keep her around for one more week. Give us that little bit of joy. You’ve taken away any sense of titilation from the Fantasy Suite episode. Let us have at least one screwed up family on the family visits episode.

SEGMENT 8: Laying on a blanket in a park, Jake gets a back rub. Then he gets a front rub with Ali straddling him. Suffice it to say she ain’t saving herself for marriage.

He needs to find out from her about the drama at the last rose ceremony. But it’ll come, he says. Meanwhile, as she lays straddling his midsection, groin to groin, she says, “I feel comfortable with you.” He says, “Me, too.” I should hope so.

Jake finally screws up the courage to ask her about the last rose ceremony. She answers in generalities until he asks her if she has any specific questions she’d like answered. She politely declines, saying she doesn’t need any questions answered. If he picks her, then she’s his. She’s good at talking in circles. Jake finally says the V-word. And Ali relents. Jake tells her Vienna is “so incredibly honest and she goes out of her way to let me know she’s here for me.” And, apparently, she walks around the house topless, don't forget. Ali says she’s ready to let go of it. They kiss. Ali doesn’t look like the best kisser.

SEGMENT 9: Rose ceremony night, which happens the same night as the Ali date. Jake has no idea what he’s going to do.

He seems to really connect well with Dumb Divorced Tenley.

Undefiled Corrie has a great line: “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” I believe she’s right. I think touching herself is fair game. But she wants him to know her virginity doesn’t define her. But Jake is fine with it. I bet he is. Every guy wants to be a girl’s first.

Gia made a poor choice putting her hair back, exposing her cat mask. But Jake doesn’t seem to notice... Memory, turn your face to the moonlight... Now it’s stuck in my head. Thanks Gia.

Ali and Tenley have a hush-hush conversation. Where are the subtitles when you need them? Why include this scene if we can’t understand more than just the gist? I think Ali said she thinks he’s torn between Corrie and Gia. She really is over Vienna, isn’t she?

Jake takes Vienna down to his room to reassure her the awkwardness of the two-on-one date was just situational. He seems to really like her.

So where does this leave us? Who does he send home? Ali thinks either Gia or Corrie. Man, I don’t know. Maybe Gia, but the editors did a fine job this week keeping us off the scent. Me, at least, since as you know I don’t read spoilers. I’ll go out on a limb and say Corrie’s going home. He’ll say things were moving too slowly and if they had more time, yada yada yada. We’ll see.

SEGMENT 10: Jake and Chris talk it over. Chris has done a great job memorizing his lines this week: “Let’s talk about Tenley... Let’s talk about Gia... Let’s talk about Corrie... Let’s talk about Ali... Let’s talk about Vienna.” Seriously. It’s an effective interview technique.

Jake notices Gia’s insecurity. His values line up with Corrie. But there’s a quick edit. Who knows what got left out. But I’m sticking with Corrie as the one who gets sent home. Regardless who it is, “this rose ceremony is going to hurt,” he says. He looks over all the photos and I swear to God Corrie looked different again.

SEGMENT 11: Do or die time. Four roses to hand out. As the five women stand there, it’s clear that Tenley has the best legs. Ali has the thickest. Corrie has to go to the bathroom. Either that or she is militantly virginal and won’t even uncross her legs before marriage.
Let’s not waste any further time. It’s time to hand out some roses! Here they are, in order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley. Good choice.

Gia is sucking on her lips. Too late. We already saw your cat mouth.

2. Former Front Runner Ali. Yay! Psycho family here we come!

3. Gia Pet.

Corrie is sure giving off attitude. Just because she's a virgin doesn't mean she's not in touch with her bitchy side.

4. Vienna. Gotta love it.

Oh Classy Corrie. If only you put out. And didn't look like someone different every day. Jake says there was just something missing; it just didn’t feel right. She was taking so long to open up and he was worried she’d never open up fully. Nice, Jake. Get the girl to admit to the world she’s a virgin, then dump her for not opening up.

There are some tears in the limo but Classy Corrie the Shapeshifter is a very level-headed young woman. Kudos to her. Her cherry lives for another day.

Ooh, next week, for the first time ever there will be no rose ceremony. I’m sure you’ll find out through Virtual Steve or others what, exactly will happen. But I implore you to avoid such spoilers and enjoy the show next week.

I’m looking forward to reading your comments this week. And don’t forget to vote in the poll.

Week Four: Sending them home two at a time

How’s everyone doing this week? I’m sick and tired. Not of The Bachelor. Good lord, no! Not of anything, actually. Just literally sick (hacking cough) and tired (but I took a brief nap before the show).

You know my view on spoilers, which is why I can’t follow Reality Steve this season. Not only does he depress me, because he’s way funnier than I’ll ever be, but he depresses me because he’s the annoying guy who always wants to tell you what’s going to happen before it happens. Still, I couldn’t help getting second-hand info from a friend who hadn’t yet read my blog and learned of my newfound anti-spoiler credo. So I’ve been told that he has predicted, with his tenuous insider info, the final two. Not only do I refuse to believe it, but I put that information outside my head. Gone. Plus, he takes this thing way too seriously. Get a grip, buddy. I mean, any guy who’d blog about such things... Oh wait. Nevermind.

We had 30 votes in last week’s poll. A little slippage but, as one friend said, all the girls are so blah it’s hard to pick a clear favourite. Last week, Front Runner Ali was still winning your hearts, but not as overwhelmingly. She doesn’t have most of the total votes anymore. The Front Runner has 11 of your votes. It’ll be interesting to see how she fares in this week’s poll knowing, through the magic of upcoming highlights, how catty she’s going to get over Spoiled Vienna. Dumb Divorced Tenley was second with 6 votes, followed by Ella Belle with 5, Classy Corrie with 4, Spoiled Vienna with 3 (thanks, Vienna’s family, for voting!), and Gia Pet has a single vote. Crazy Canuck Jessie and Kathryn the Faker, who can’t be long for this contest, got no votes. No surprise. But it is surprising that Ashleigh Diaz got no love.

Okay, I’m all hopped up on cough suppressant. Let’s do this thing:

SEGMENT 1: Chris informs the gals that everything’s about to change. And the man speaks the truth. Goodbye helicopters, hello RVs! The producers continue to shake things up. He tells them they will be leaving the house forever. Everyone. Get out.

They’ll be going up the California coast in one hour. Ella Belle is so “danged” excited. When she gets excited, she talks like a sailor. A sailor in a 1940s Busby Berkeley musical, that is.

Gia Pet has never been in an RV before and is understandably very nervous. Have you seen those things on the highway? They go upwards of 50 kph (30 mph for my American readers). She’s hoping it has a shower. Hmm, a shower? In an RV? Well, why the hell not. This is The Bachelor, where dreams come true.

Jake arrives on motorbike because he’s a macho man, remember? A dorky macho man, but a macho man nonetheless. Base camp is set up in a vineyard.

Front Runner Ali is getting cocky now. She says if she went on the 2-on-1 with Vienna, she’s the one who’d come back. Remember when she was comfortably the Front Runner and didn’t have to worry her pretty little head about anyone else? She was confident and mature. But that was so two weeks ago.

Gia Pet worries that she has no makeup on. Does it even matter, I wonder? Does makeup stick to plastic? And she gets called on the first, and only, one-on-one date of the episode. The hint: “Let’s go over the moon and go under the stars.” Usually the card’s hint you can maybe figure out, but not this one.

SEGMENT 2: Gia Pet just wants to look really cute for Jake on her first date with him. God bless her after what she’s been through on that scary, scary RV.

If there’s one thing she’s always wanted to do, she says, it’s to go to a vineyard. Has this girl ever done anything? I mean, I have never been to a vineyard, but I’ve driven past plenty. Still, it doesn’t seem like it’s so out of the realm of possibility to have it as one of your dreams.

At the vineyard, they play the most forced and awkward game of hide-and-seek in all of hide-and-seek history. He carries her with her legs wrapped around his waste, a la Jillian. They find a place to plop down and really get to know each other.

Gia Pet says she was a nerd as a kid. She wasn’t the drop dead gorgeous girl on the cheerleading squad, which might explain the plastic surgery.

In grade nine, Jake reveals he was called Mr. Dateless. Oh, kids can be ruthless, can’t they? Especially fictional kids. Because there’s no way anyone would be teased at the age of 14 about their lack of dating. Who dated in grade nine? Sure, some of the cool kids did, but the bulk of them? He says it wasn’t until grade 11 before he kissed a girl. *cough*Bullshit*cough

They have about four bottles of wine so they break out a game of spin-the-bottle. And like hide-and-seek before it, it might go down in spin-the-bottle history as one of the most awkward and phoney. But they do kiss. I wonder if her lips even felt it.

SEGMENT 3: The city mouse and the country mouse continue their date. Jake ain’t serving steak and caviar on this night. It’s hot dogs and smores on an open fire. What’s a smore? Does not knowing that make me a city boy? Guilty as charged.

Jake utters the first in a series of utterly ridiculous pickup lines this episode: “They say the smoke always goes to the prettiest one.” He’s smooth. In a dorky way.

As they lie down and talk of their dreams, Gia Pet accidentally lets slip this doozy: “I want to be married for a few years.” At least she’s honest. She wants a few kids and wants to adopt a baby girl from China. And a potbelly pig. Because, you know, they’re both so adorable.

Back at base camp, Ashleigh Diaz finds a group date card: Anonymous Jessie (the Crazy Canuck), Ashleigh Diaz, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Former Front Runner Ali, Spoiled Vienna, and Classy Corrie. The hint: “Next stop falling inn love.” Note the intentional typo. Hmm, what could it mean?

Who does that leave? Ella Belle and Kathryn the Faker. Kathryn’s as good as gone.

Back to the date with Gia Pet, the surprising part, she says, was that she wasn’t worrying how her hair looked or whether she had lipstick on. But she’s worried about something. Her heart could be broken. Jake gets the rose and makes his speech. He’s had a blast. No nail-biter here. She gets the rose. Now, talking to the camera, she’s really getting emotional. She hasn’t felt this way for a year and a half. She’s starting to become a real person. This is a side of Gia we haven’t seen before. Her face might melt.

So what did that date card mean? “Let’s go over the moon and go under the stars.” Oh, because they sat under the stars? Meh. Alright.

SEGMENT 4: The group date. The RV drives up the coast to Pismo Beach where you can drive on the sand. Jake follows on his chopper.

Former Front Runner Ali is struggling with the fact Spoiled Vienna is still there. Let it go, sistah. Don’t define yourself through her. Meanwhile, Vienna already feels like Jake is her boyfriend... On second thought, struggle. Because that girl is poison.

Jake wants the ladies to get dirty. Literally. Remember, he’s a God-fearing Christian man. When he says dirty, he means sand-in-your-crevices dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Jake says he’s just naturally drawn to Dumb Divorced Tenley. Like attracts like, I guess. She finds the positive in everything. Maybe they’re a good match afterall. He doesn’t strike me as all that smart himself.

At a picnic on the sand dunes, Jake invites everyone to roll down the hill. They all sit there except for Classy Corrie. She’s really starting to open up, Jake says. Why would everyone else just sit there, you ask? Think about it. He asked them to roll down a hill. Surely they thought he was just joking. Wouldn’t you just stare in disbelief at the guy?

SEGMENT 5: Christian pun alert!: Jake loves dirty girls, he says. They arrive via stretch SUV to an inn that actual celebrities go to! Too exciting.

Ashleigh Diaz tells us that she had sand in every single crevice of her body. TMI, girlfriend.

In the continuing saga of lame Jake lines: “You guys clean up nice.” King of the cheese.

Ashleigh tells us she’d never want to come across as desperate, like some of the others. Then she’s all over Jake giving him the doe-eyes and carressing him. Mission: failed. Jake doesn’t feel much chemistry with her.

Former Front Runner Ali predicts Spoiled Vienna is going home. Which pretty much means she’s staying, right? I think we can all agree on that.

Another date card: It’s from Chris. “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” The two remaining act like they didn’t know this. Kathryn the Faker is worried. As she should be because I had to look up her name to see who she was. The Bachelor Nation is with Ella Belle. Even I like her now. She’s sweet. She’s good looking (enough). She’s a good mother. She’d make a great wife for Jake.

Back at the inn, Jake needs to find out if Dumb Divorced Tenley is over her ex partner. He was a cop. She found out about his cheating ways through phone bills. So she’s a snoop.

Here’s something I either forgot or didn’t notice before: She’s only 25! She seems so mature. Whereas Spoiled Vienna totally seems the 23 she is.

Jake thinks Spoiled Vienna brings all the grief she gets from everyone else on herself. He’s been pumping the brakes a little bit with her, if you know what I mean.

The rose goes to the babydoll-voiced Dumb Divorced Tenley. Ashleigh Diaz suggests anyone that bubbly all the time is probably psychotic.

SEGMENT 6: The two-on-one takes place at Big Sur national forest. Kathryn the Faker, who we’ve barely gotten to know this season, kind of has a Madeline Kahn look and voice. And not in a good way.

At dinner with the three of them, Ella Belle asks Jake what he looks for in a woman and he says where they anchor their faith is the most important thing followed by family values. Ella talks more about her kid. Kathryn the Faker tries to get a word in and can’t. She feels like the third wheel. Maybe it’s time to slip that fake engagement ring on again.

Jake and Ella Belle go sit on the front porch. She wants him to see she’s more than just a mom. Maybe not talking about your kid at every opportunity might be the way to go then. Just a suggestion.

When Kathryn the Faker finally gets some alone time with Jake, he unloads another doozy, telling her he keeps getting lost in her eyes. And says how absolutely gorgeous she looks. Even with those compliments, she starts bitching that he doesn’t pay attention to her. Good move, Kathryn. Guys love unnecessary emotional volcanoes when they barely know you. And bossiness. You’re on the right track. Just keep on keeping on.

I see Kathryn is 25, too, but she looks way older, don’t you think?

SEGMENT 7: The girls back at the RV have no clue who will come home. Seems Jake doesn’t, either.

Jake asks to talk to Ella Belle outside and gives her the serious face. “Ella, I think you’re such an amazing person...” Here we go. She’s “the complete package...” He just lost half of America when he let her go, I think. She channels her inner Yoda and says, “Be wise in who you choose.” I think she was probably the most perfect match for him there. Maybe he had a hangup with raising someone else’s son.

Ooh, now he’s sending Kathryn the Faker home, too! I tell you, this guy is in charge. Screw the format!

Kathryn gets the biggest laugh of the night when she says, “I really thought I had the rose. I mean, did anyone see that coming at all?” Classic!

This is the first of many decisions he’s going to make that nobody’s going to understand, he says. And it’s only going to get worse. So Spoiled Vienna it is, it looks like!

I wonder why he didn’t get to keep the rose since both went home. But there it goes in the bonfire of the vanities.

SEGMENT 8: Former Front Runner Ali is fearful. “I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, Vienna’s going home.” No, Ali, you’ve said it more times than that. She’s not alone, though. Classy Corrie also thinks Vienna’s a goner.

The RV pulls up to a mansion. It’s cocktail party time. Seven girls left. One woman goes home.

Former Front Runner Ali sucks up, telling him he thought what he did last night was "unbelievably honourable." Ironically, her saying this was the opposite.

Anonymous Jessie (the Crazy Canuck who bears a resemblance to a young brunette Rosanna Arquette) realizes it’s time to get some face time on camera before her 15 minutes of fame are over and the only way she can do that is by badmouthing Spoiled Vienna to Jake. It works for everyone else. And sure enough it works again. There she is on our TV. My wife said, “Who is that?”

Jessie tells Jake that Vienna is self-centered and spoiled. She has to top everything. She talks about the cars she’s crashed. Her dad writes cheques to cover them for her. Jake says he appreciates the information. He’s an automoton.

I can see that Spoiled Vienna is good looking but I don’t like her looks. How is it that being spoiled can show up on her face? Am I reading too much into what we’ve been told? She tells Jake she just jokes around and the other girls are so uptight they don’t get it. She is convincing, I’ll give her that.

Former Front Runner Ali says if Spoiled Vienna stays, and she’s lucky enough to get a rose, she’ll accept it with dignity, then have a conversation he would never expect. I can't imagine what she's talking about since everyone has already had that conversation with him already and he keeps picking her.

SEGMENT 9: Rose ceremony. Gia Pet, who it appears has used a whole stick of lipstick over her collagen, and Dumb Divorced Tenley are in. Four roses to be handed out. One goes home. Let me pause the PVR a second to make a prediction. I say Ashleigh Diaz will go home; my wife says Anonymous Jessie (or, as she calls her, “the dark haired girl”).

And now in order they are:

3. Former Front Runner Ali. A no-brainer.
4. Classy Corrie. Totally.

Jake’s losing it a bit. He’s a total wreck. He needs a minute. Full-on documentary style as we see the crew behind the scenes while the camera wobbles out to follow Jake in his search for Chris.

Jake needs advice. Does he have to give out two more roses, he needs to know? And we break for commercial.

So if he does just give out one more, who will it go to? My wife thinks it’ll go to Spoiled Vienna. Maybe. See, I’ve been tainted by those cursed spoilers courtesy of Virtual Steve. But if I didn’t know that, I’d say Anonymous (formerly Crazy Canuck) Jessie.

SEGMENT 10: Isn’t Chris just a host? Does he call the shots? [Just checked the credits after the show. A series of producers was listed before Chris Harrison, who is named as the host only.] Does Chris get to make the final call? Shouldn’t he get paid more for those kinds of on-the-fly decisions? Or are we not seeing the full picture. Surely he has to go talk it over with his bosses first.

Anyway, Jake wins. Chris takes a rose away. Two will be going home now instead of just one. And the last rose goes to...
5. Spoiled Vienna!!!

Oh well, at least there will be fun in the house next week and a reason for us all to come back. Looks like the wife and I were both originally right. Anonymous Jessie and Ashleigh Diaz are both going home. But at least they can go away feeling pretty good about themselves. They both know they're better than Spoiled Vienna.

Former Front Runner Ali looks crestfallen.

Jake the pilot is on autopilot. “You’re absolutly amazing,” he tells Jessie. “You have a beautiful heart. I heard every word you said.” Uh, apparently not.

Former Front Runner Ali is pissed.

Jessie is disappointed in herself. I think it was the skimpy outfit and the green eyeshadow that did her in.

Here we go with Ashleigh Diaz. Disengage autopilot, Capt. Jake! But no. He’s all, “I’m so glad you came. Blah blah blah.” But Ashleigh Diaz makes it all worthwhile: “Vienna over me? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome. If he can’t see what kind of person Vienna is over me, I pity him. There’s a reason why she doesn’t have any friends in the house. I do feel like I’m the most compatible. I’m the most mature.” she says with mascara running down her cheeks.

So where does that leave us? Gia, Tenley, Ali, Corrie, and Vienna... One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn’t belong. Good times ahead.

I did happen to catch Jake on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week and unlike other Bachelor/ettes, he wouldn’t even admit to having chosen anyone. Usually they’re coy and say they’re in love and found someone, but he couldn’t even do that. So who knows.

That’s it for another week. Comments are always welcome. Ah, who am I kidding? They’re the only thing that keeps me going.

Week Three: Jake takes a stand

Now where were we?

Ah yes, when we last left you, Wrong Reason Rozlyn left us prematurely, presumably for having an “inappropriate relationship” with a member of The Bachelor crew. I haven’t read any spoilers, but I did happen upon a headline about the sitchy-ation and skimmed it enough to learn that Roz denies she did anything wrong. Or something like that. It did strike me that the whole thing is a tad hypocritical given the series itself is based on a Bachelor/ette making out with multiple dates before ultimately choosing one. We can even surmise that sex is involved on many an overnight date (except for, inexplicably, sweet virginal Jillian). So is it really all that shocking that Rozlyn had a little thing with some dude? I did notice in the article I skimmed that hot Rozlyn has a criminal record. Nice. Maybe they found that out and a producer took one for the Bachelor team by engaging her in some hanky-panky so they’d have a reason to toss her. I love me a good conspiracy theory!

And if the upcoming highlights are any indication (and they usually aren’t), someone else is going home prematurely tonight. I think I predicted Elizabeth the Nanny, but we’ll see.

Looking at last week’s poll, I see we have surpassed last week’s numbers, shooting all the way up to 33 votes. Front Runner Ali is still living up to her moniker, leading the way with a whopping 24 votes. Dumb Divorced Tenley continues to surprise in second place with 4 votes, Unbalanced Michelle gets 2 (okay, one of them belongs to me), and Spoiled Vienna, Gia Pet and Ella Belle each with 1. Let’s see if we can get more votes each week. I really appreciate the comments, too. Good stuff there.

You know my wife is under strict guidelines not to reveal anything to me upon my return from my weekly basketball game. And she hasn’t. But tonight she smiled and said she wished she could stay up and watch it again with me, so it must be a good one. Can’t wait. Here we go:


SEGMENT 1: The date card. Spoiled Vienna gets a one-on-one date, meaning she’s probably going home. He can’t possibly give a rose to her. I don’t see them as a match. But then again, Jake has no clue what he’s looking for so maybe she’ll stay. The date clue is, “Let’s fall head over heels together.” Hmm... what could it be? Gymnastics? Sixty-nine? I have no idea.

Unbalanced Michelle says she sees herself as very attractive. For once, she’s right about something. She is. But there was a quick undecipherable edit there when she follows it by saying Vienna is the opposite of her. The implication being she thinks Vienna is ugly. But I seriously doubt she said that or meant it.

Front Runner Ali is starting to show a chip in her armour. Now she’s spouting off like a crazy person that her date with Jake was so special it’s strange to see him going out on another one-on-one. I think she channelled her inner Michelle. She should stick to taking the high road if she wants to remain number one in our weekly poll.

Hold the phone, people! They sent a helicopter for Vienna and Jake! Man, this show continues to break new ground. I don’t know how they do it. Vienna is gobsmacked, too. When she sees it approaching, she asks if it’s for them. That’s a perfectly reasonable question because who would ever have seen that coming?

They fly over the mansion and I get a glimpse of Unbalanced Michelle’s lower back. She’s got a tramp stamp! Yes! Psychotic and has made bad choices she’ll regret ten years from now. It doesn’t get any better than this!

The helicopter descends to a secluded bridge in a canyon where the couple will bungee jump to their deaths. At least that’s how they both seem to feel. She’s afraid of heights... and so is the pilot! That’s encouraging. Remind me not to fly with him. But if he is freaked out, why this date? Did they foist it upon him?

Sitting on the edge of the bridge, Jake says he doesn’t think he can do this. Oh, what drama! Will he or won’t--. Oh yeah, they’ve already shown the bungee jump clip a few times in the upcoming highlights in past weeks. Way to sabotage your own program, producers.

Hanging upside down after the jump, Jake kissed Vienna. There goes my prediction. I guess she’ll be getting a rose.

SEGMENT 2: The couple enjoy a big-ass glass of white wine and reminisce about their crazy jump. Is it me or does Jake sound totally awkward? He can’t possibly be this stiff in real life, can he? At some point, people on this show loosen up and forget they’re surrounded by cameras and crew for 20 hours a day. This is season two for Jake and he still won’t let his guard down.

Jake tells Spoiled Vienna that he’s looking for a wife that’s nurturing. And he’s fooled into thinking Vienna has a nurturing side. But silly Jake, Vienna probably pays people to nurture for her. He thinks she’s “absolutely here for the right reasons.” He would know. I think his track record speaks for itself.

As they switch to red wine, Jake wants to make sure she’s at a place in her life where she can handle a relationship. Come on, Jake. The woman has a four-month marriage under her belt when she was 18. She’s 23 now. She can handle anything. He tells Vienna he’s looking for his best friend “in the whole world” (I love it when grown-ups talk like six-year-olds).

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. The lucky winners are Classy Corrie, Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny (I just added the ‘nutso’ part -- hope you like it), Front Runner Ali, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Ashleigh Diaz, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, and Unbalanced Michelle. Woo-hoo! We got some big-time cuckoo action coming up. Sweet. The clue: “Love is no laughing matter... or is it?” Hmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with the Jon Lovitz teaser we saw earlier. (Thanks again, producers, for nothin’.)

Unbalanced Michelle’s voice quivers as she tells us she really wanted a one-on-one date so she could get to know Jake better.

The girls seem to have a hate-on for Spoiled Vienna. So now, of course, I’m really hoping she gets that rose.

The wine is finally hitting Jake as they hit the hot tub. As Vienna sits there in a sexy green bikini, Jake lets loose with, “Thank you for helping me off that bridge.” Oh, Jake, you charmer! Then, as Vienna is giving him the do-me look, he gets up to retrieve the rose. And she gets it! Look out, mansion. Things are just heating up.

The triumphant Vienna comes home and excitedly tells the girls all about her date. The looks on all their faces is priceless. Ashleigh Diaz says she would rather watch paint dry than listen to Vienna go on about her date. Front Runner Ali says she’s “shooken” up, further decreasing her front runner status. She’s shocked that Vienna came home.

SEGMENT 3: Jake takes the eight to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. For those who don’t know, Lovitz was a hilarious member of the cast of Saturday Night Live and has since gone on to a fledgling career as a very average stand-up comedian. After just a few years into the game, he’s opened up his own comedy club. That’s what being famous gets you. There are a million better stand-up comics than Lovitz, but they’re not known.

More priceless looks from the women as Jake informs them they’re about to meet... Jon Lovitz! Whooooo!!! Safe to say, that’s probably the first time in his life he’s ever had that reaction. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Lovitz as a comic actor. He makes me laugh just listening to him. But as a stand-up comic... not so much.

Turns out the ladies will be performing on this date. Performing comedy, that is. Intentional comedy. Or trying to. I’ve judged a few stand-up competitions in my day and write about the art form, so you can imagine how excited I am at seeing eight first-timers getting national exposure when there are super talented comics out there who will never be known to the masses. Still, I love a woman with a sense of humour, so this might seriously change the way I look at them. My pencil is sharpened. I’m ready to laugh. Bring it on.

But first, there’s another card. A one-on-one date awaits one lucky lady. Vienna announces that Ella Belle gets her wish. “Let’s lift off to another world,” the card says. What could that mean? Another plane ride? Helicopter trip? A rocket to the moon?

Back at the club, Ashleigh Diaz starts crying. She describes herself as “the calm collective [sic] girl”. Sigh. Anyway, Jake offers her a joke she can use in her set. Ooh, I can’t imagine how hilarious it will be! That Jake is renowned for his sense of the ha-ha. But Ashleigh is a mess. That’s a sign. High maintenance.

Turns out the girls have to perform for a real crowd. Full of old people in Hawaiian shirts, yet! This is going to be gold.

SEGMENT 4: Lovitz opens the show. Did I tell you he was extremely average? (Full disclosure. I’ve interviewed him twice and if you really want to, you can read one of them here.)

Ali takes the bullet (comedy parlance for going up first). She does a toilet joke followed by gales of laughter. Bad joke, bad delivery. Next!

I think Crazy Canuck Jessie was next, and she actually looked good. I’m not sure I got her joke about her family starring in a sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding called They’re So Fat I Can’t Even Tell They’re Greek, but I liked her delivery and confidence on stage. Then again, we all know Canadians are just naturally funny.

Dumb Divorced Tenley gets all Victoria Jackson with a physical bit, lying on the floor with her ankles over her head. She won’t win points in the comedy competition but no doubt Jake sat up and took notice.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny also had great stage presence, but I couldn’t make out what she said. Something about a big dick. She knows that dick jokes are a sure-fire route to success in comedy clubs. Then she gets bleeped again. Jake is amazed that she went from no kissing to totally raunchy. “Wow, who is this girl?” he asked. He actually bought her as a spiritual prude.

Kathryn is comfortable on stage, but has no material. She brings Jake down to kiss him. The punchline being that she has no punchline; she just wanted to see how his lips tasted. No punchline? She’s got a future in alternative comedy. Michelle shoots daggers at Kathryn's schtick. Then tells us that when she finally kisses Jake, they’re going to go at it like animals. French animals, apparently.

It’s Unbalanced Michelle’s turn. Great delivery from her, too. But what the hell is she talking about? "Did you notice the palm trees? There’s no coconuts on them. I wonder where they are!” Silence. Tap, tap. Is this mic on? C’mon, folks, I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing! What is this, an audience or an oil painting?... Then a “joke” about golf. She’s just waiting for that “hole to get her one-on-one.” The audience groans, but what does the joke even mean? Yes, I get the double-entendre, but she’s waiting for it? As Ali says, “she just seems a little off.”

Ashleigh gets cold feet and refuses to go on. So they go to Classy Corrie. She does impressions of the girls in the house. Yes! Showing some originality and some spirit. Her impersonation of Tenley makes me not feel so bad for saddling her with the nickname Dumb Divorced Tenley. Corrie plays her like a total airhead. Then she does a cute little Kathryn impression, getting bleeped every other word followed by a perfect Spoiled rich girl Vienna, saying, “I love walking around topless. I love showing my boobs off.” Really? And we can’t even see pixilated proof of that? Didn’t some dude on Survivor spend a whole season naked? Anyway, Jake looks stunned at that bit of information. Maybe that rose was premature. Corrie continues with the Vienna bashing and the other girls are eating it up. It’s a wake-up call for Jake. Well played, Classy Corrie, well played. You don’t have to go to Jake privately and express your concerns over girls there for the wrong reasons now. You found a way to achieve the same results as part of the show. Brava!

Now Ashleigh Diaz needs to follow that bravura performance. She should have come on when she was first called. She recited a series of unoriginal blonde jokes, followed by her own laughs. Thumbs down. But Jake gives her the sympathy hug telling her how great she did. Knowing Jake’s sense of humour, I don’t doubt he believes it.

Based on what we saw, the clear-cut winner is Classy Corrie. Maybe not the classiest of performances, but the best one. And she’s gone up a notch in my books.

SEGMENT 5: At the wrap party, Dumb Divorced Tenley sits Jake down to tell him about her past. Here we go. She thinks it’s totally unfair that she has to tell a man that she could possibly be with forever about this. She’s choking up and Jake looks like he’s not ready to hear what she has to say. Here it is: She was married (this just in, Dumb Divorced Tenley! 'Divorced' actually implies marriage at some point), her husband had an affair and he left her. And he was the only man she’s been with. And not only that but... oh, that’s it. Pretty uneventful. They smooch hard.

Ashleigh chooses to spend her precious time with Jake telling him that the girls were livid about Vienna coming back into the house. And sure enough, back at the house, the rest of the girls are giving it to Vienna. Vienna strikes back by calling Gia Pet fake. She doesn’t explicitly mention the collagen or plastic surgery, but that’s gotta be what she means, right? Gia now thinks Vienna is dangerous. Vienna writes a letter to Jake up in her room. Will she be the one to go?

Now soon-to-be former Front Runner Ali tells Jake her feelings on Lightning Rod Vienna (aka Spoiled Vienna). He’s gotta be experiencing a lot of self-doubt. He got it completely wrong with Wrong Reason Rozlyn and now he’s failed to see Spoiled Vienna for who she apparently is. No wonder he’s still single.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle is lashing out at her critics. To be fair, Front Runner Ali wasn’t really criticising her, but that’s how Michelle took it. You don’t get that nickname by being reasonable. She keeps repeating that she’s there to find love and get married. Also, her mom wants grandchildren. Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny says Michelle doesn’t need a husband; she needs a therapist. Meow!

Jake tells Michelle it’s been a rough night for him and instead of being nurturing and asking why and feigning interest, she turns it back on herself. “I really, really, really want a husband,” she tells him. If I were a guy (come to think of it, I am), I’d run in the opposite direction if I heard that. And I’m married! It just reeks of desperation. When I hear something like that, I hear, “I really, really, really want any husband. Doesn’t matter who. I just need a husband. You’ll do.” She says she can’t continue this process without knowing if he’s feeling the same way she does. So maybe she’s the one to go because how can he promise that? Nobody in their right mind feels the way she does. If she weren’t so beautifully off her rocker, I’d want her sent packing.

Now she says, “Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something? For me?” What guy could refuse a come on like that?! Bring it on! And make sure there’s plenty of tongue, big fella! Jake shrugs and goes in for a lip lock. It’s a total head kiss. That is, he went in with just his head. Then he backed away with a big grin. “You gotta give me something more than that!” she said. “Are you kidding? That was nothing.” Oh yeah, she’d be a breeze to live with. It’s time to make babies and make her momma happy!

But Jake is a beaten man. He tells her he’s just ready for this night to be over. He needs to go home and digest. Digest? I think that means he needs to go poo.

But it’s back to Michelle. It’s all about her, right? She tells him she can’t stay, even though she’d like to. To spend that time with him and not be able to kiss him (the way she wants to kiss him) really hurts her. I think it’s a cry for attention. She wants him to beg her to stay. And sure enough, now she’s saying if he wants her to stay, she’ll stay. He says he thinks it would be better if she did leave, which flabbergasts her. Oops, wrong line of attack U.M. She says she can’t believe he’s doing it! Priceless! Now she’s playing victim! “He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue.” It couldn’t have been because you threatened to leave twice, could it? Nah.

So Unbalanced Michelle is gone. And I’m torn. I thought she was the best looking girl left. And oh what fun we could have had with the unhinged one still around. But it’s for the best. There’s always Vienna for needless drama.

Jake is breaking all the rules! He doesn’t break the rules; he makes the rules, baby! Not only did he turf Michelle, but he ain’t giving out no rose. Suck on that. You heard da man. This date is over, biatches.

SEGMENT 7: The one-on-one with Ella Belle. Maybe I should have called her Boring Ella. But we’ll see.

Jake wants to do something special for Ella because it was her birthday the other day. You’ll never guess what he arranged! A helicopter! Ella said, “I never imagined in a million years that a helicopter was gonna come pick us up.” I know! I can’t believe the producers procured a freakin' helicopter for the show, either! They spare no expense. I am constantly blown away at their creativity. That’s why we watch, right?!

At the house, Vienna apologizes to the girls for the way she acted. I think. But she knows they’re all just jealous and she has the closest relationship with Jake. Front Runner Ali doesn’t accept the apology and let’s her know it. Bring on the waterworks from Vienna. This fake apology isn't going nearly as well as planned when she wrote it out on her bed.

Jake and Ella go to Sea World. The biggest surprise is yet to come, he says. What, are they going to bring her son here? Could it be, Bachelor? Outdoing yourself yet again... Oh look, they did it! It’s little Ethan. Who’d a thunk it?! Ella had no idea. It’s clear she’s never once seen an episode of The Bachelor in her life. Had no idea about the helicopter and had no idea about the surprise visit from her son. Stephanie is sitting home (alone, probably) right now with her mascara running down her cheeks. She might be the only one.

But I gotta admit, I like Ella more now. She’s still boring, but boring is under-rated.

SEGMENT 8: How many changes of clothing did they bring on this trip to Sea World? At one moment she’s wearing a short blue skirt with cowboy boots, then we see her in ripped jeans and an orange off-the-shoulder shirt. That's a good rule of thumb, girls. When going on a first date, always bring an extra outfit.

Little Ethan loves aviation. He’s memorized everything his mom drilled him on. It may just pay off. Sure enough, Ella gets the rose. Jake even seems the most natural he’s been in two seasons. Maybe she’s the one for him.

SEGMENT 9: The third rose ceremony is coming up after the requisite cocktail party. Two women go home.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny asks Jake if he’s good at back rubs. Run, Jake, run! As far away and as fast as you can! Jake is cluing into her game. He calls her the queen of mixed signals. He’s not supposed to kiss her but physically she’s all over him. Her explanation is that she has a jealous side. RUN, I tell you, RUN! Jake is telling her not to tease him. They get into it a bit but are interrupted by Spoiled Vienna, who already has a rose. I’m glad I added the Nutso to her nickname, because Elizabeth goes back to the other girls and gives her side of what happened: “He wanted me to kiss him...” Really, Elizabeth? You know those cameras following you around all day actually have film in them.

Now Vienna is telling Jake she doesn’t think she’s a bad person; she’s just honest. She is totally mustering up all the cute and charming she possibly can. That’s good enough for gormless Jake.

Elizabeth is the new Michelle. She says she can get a date any day of the week, but she’s there to find love. And she doesn’t understand why he’s pressuring her to kiss him. Huh? Did I miss something? Unless it was lost in the editing, he did no such thing. If she thinks he did, she’s delusional. Or, if you will, Nutso. And I think you will.

The girls are all pissed that Vienna, with a rose, is taking one-on-one time away from those who don’t have a rose. On this, I gotta side with the selfish one. Since time immemorial girls have been interrupting girls, guys have been interrupting guys. It’s the way the show works. And the way everyone went to Jake to dump on her, it’s only natural that she’d want to go and talk to him personally.

Nutso Elizabeth is back with Jake now. And he needs to remember that she is choosing him, not vice versa. Snap! She’s really egging him on to kiss her and he’s not biting. Good for him. She’s got to be as good as gone. Talk about in it for the wrong reasons. Then again, Jake isn’t exactly batting 1.000 in culling the herd.

SEGMENT 10: Jake isn’t 100 percent sure who he’s going to send home. Vienna and Ella already have roses. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Gia Pet. Her lips almost moved when she accepted.
4. Classy Corrie. Humour wins out.
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley.
6. Front Runner Ali.
7. Crazy Canuck Jessie. Remember her?
8. Kathryn the Faker.
9. Ashleigh Diaz.

So long Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny and Dirty Valishia, the single homemaker, who got absolutely no screen time this week. Poor Valishia. She says she’s used to things not going her way, and can’t hold back the tears. It's tough being a homemaker without a husband or family. Elizabeth says, “I shoulda kissed you.” Uh, yeah. The lesson here is don’t play games.















Next week: Jake walks away from the final two roses and asks Chris if he has to give them out. Thanks for the spoiler, ABC. Well done. Then we see him throwing one in a bonfire. Oh, the humanity!

Well, that’s it. We’ll see you back here in a week. Add your comments below. I always like hearing what everyone else is thinking.