Week 7: Rules are meant to be broken

Yeah, I know. Almost a week left, so why bother? It's really inexcusable. In my defense, we were on holidays and didn't get back until Wednesday. And the lack of comments from last week's effort didn't exactly inspire me to get something up quickly for my faithful. So it's on you! Whew. That was easy. I'm good at shirking responsibility. But this I do vow: I will get next week's non-post up no later than Tuesday or your money back. Guaranteed.

Now onto the few random thoughts I had:

* That Emily is a tough nut to crack. I think she means well, but her communication needs work. Brad is totally smitten. When he asked her what he wanted to do on their one-on-one date, she replied, "I really don't even care." Awesome.

* I thought it was poor form on his part to pressure Emily to meet little Ricky. They both agree it would be tough for him to get down on one knee in a couple of weeks if he hasn't met her daughter, but the show doesn't need to end with a proposal. But it's all moot anyway. My old bête noire, the upcoming highlights, tells us he meets the kid next week.

* If Shawntel doesn't win it all, she's got my vote for the next Bachelorette. She's got it all: beauty, brains, confidence, sex appeal, girl-next-door appeal. Her one knock is an unsightly tramp stamp, but at least it's a good match for Brad's ridiculous back ink.

* Britt exudes whatever the opposite of charisma is.

* For a food writer, Britt doesn't look like she eats much. Maybe she just chews it then spits it out. The girl's a rake.

* Brad was breaking all the rules. Reminded me of Charlie Manson telling Tom Snyder, "I don't break the laws; I make the laws." First off telling Emily she'd be getting a rose, then sending poor Britt home when she thought she was on a pressure-free roseless date. Good thing they just happened to have a little boat waiting for her to get the hell off the yacht.

* Loved the insincere condolence hug from Crazy Michelle 2.0 when Britt breaks the news to the gals at the house.

* Has anyone seen the Sports Illustrated swim suit edition that just came out? Did any of the shots from the three girls make it in, as promised? Two of the three women didn't have the prototypical swimsuit model bodies. Crazy Michelle 2.0 was the exception. But Ashley and Chantal were like Laurel and Hardy. At least they knew it and showed confidence in their bodies, which men always like. Ashley screamed "no boobs!" while Chantal said she was feeling like a "fatty" after pigging out the last couple of days. Uh, that couldn't be from a couple of days, could it?

* Ashley has the most unique forehead wrinkles I've ever seen.

* Chantal's a mess. Brad was completely right in foreseeing nothing but head-butting with Crazy Michelle 2.0, so he was right to send her home. But Chantal's waterworks are a problem. I foresee lots and lots of needless drama with Chantal.

* Did anyone else hear Chantal swear on prime time network TV? I played it back twice and it sure sounded like she said, "It's been quite shitty" as the ladies were all clinking glasses.

* As bad an actress as Crazy Michelle 2.0 was, I was happy to see her respond appropriately after Brad forsook the cocktail party just to send her home. He asked if he could have her hand as he walked her to the limo and she said, "Uh, probably not." Then she got in and that was the last we heard from Crazy Michelle 2.0. And hopefully the last we'll ever hear from her. Her fifteen minutes has officially run out.

Week 6: Bugging out

Finally got around to watching this week's installment of Fear Factor: Bachelor-Style. Forget Chris Harrison; Joe Rogan should host this thing. Without further ado, my random thoughts forthwith:

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 thinks Chantal is really aggressive, really over-confident and egotistical. As the great Mel Brooks as the 2000 Year Old Man once said, "We mock the things we are to be."

* The one-on-one date with Chantal is at the longest zip line in the world. I think they said it was half a mile, but that can't be right. Brad said he'd never zip-lined before. Does anyone remember what he did on his dates the first time through? He had never rappelled down the side of a building before, either. Was he on before the advent of fear-based dating? Did he go on actual real-life dates?

* I know it never rains in southern California. Is that true for Austin, Texas, too? Brad sure seems helpless with a little bit of precipitation. It started to pour at the zip line and he was practically beside himself: "I don't know what to do now." Then later he expressed the same near-panic at the wet stuff (I forget when and my chicken scratchings don't show it). I was kind of hoping for rain when he and Alli set out on the ponies.

* After getting all wet on his date with Chantal, they go to the only dry place they can find – a bedroom. And of course Chantal has to get out of her wet clothes. It's odd that every other date in the history of the show has the contestants bringing along several changes of clothing, but not this time. Poor Chantal is forced to don Brad's oversize work shirt. She was ready for the Fantasy Suite™ in record time.

* On the group date, the girls rappelled down a cliff beside a waterfall. Crazy Michelle 2.0 was pissed because she and Brad made a pact never to rappel down anything with anybody else. Or so that's how she interpreted it in her crazy stalker-like mind.

* Brad says, marveling at how well the women did, "I put these women to the test." Yeah, why is that? Why do dates need to be physically challenged to prove their worthiness?

* In conversation, sweet Emily tells Brad she's "starting to like" him. Oh, that's good. But don't hurry your pretty little self. Take your time.

* When Emily says she often finds herself sabotaging relationships, Brad is taken aback: "It makes me worried I may get hurt." Ha! Wouldn't that suck, Brad? I mean, who'd want to be hurt on national TV like that? That would like, oh, I don't know, leading two women on then picking neither of them. I mean, that's just a crazy example off the top of my head. Nobody would be that big a jerk.

* I called it. To myself, that is. As soon as he took off with Alli on their one-on-one date, I said she wouldn't get the rose.

* They go into a cave filled with spiders and bats (Alli, coincidentally, is terrified of bugs and isn't too fond of bats, either, for that matter). Brad says the cave is 40 million years old. That sound you heard was all the TVs shutting off in the red states.

* They show some forced small talk between Brad and Alli. But what did you expect? It was their first one-on-one date so of course she's going to be in the getting-to-know-him stage. Unfair, I say.

* Interesting editing. While they're sitting chatting about nothing in the cave, Brad's voice-over tells us his reservations about Alli, how he doesn't know if he can see her at the altar. Cut-to: dinner conversation. Alli tells Brad she broke up with her most serious boyfriend because she couldn't see herself at the altar with him. Obviously, Brad's voice-over came after the conversation. So it looks as if Alli supplied Brad with the out. She was the author of her own demise.

* After Crazy Michelle 2.0 is confronted by Brad, saying he doesn't like the direction they're heading, she brings on the tears. It's the first sign of fake vulnerability from the future D-list actress. All she can offer is, "I know I'm supposed to be here." And of course she knows. It says so right in her contract. The producers won't let Brad send her home. So instead poor Jackie is sent packing. Even though it should have been Crazy Michelle 2.0, he probably made the right choice because Jackie was unlike any of the other girls. Or, really, unlike any of the other girls in the history of the franchise. She just didn't belong.

* I think Britt must be the furthest along (final six) of any anonymous contestant in Bachelor history. Usually by this point, we know each of the women pretty well. But I'm not sure I'd recognize Britt if she knocked on my door right now.

* I loved the reaction they gave when Brad said they'd be going to Anguilla. "Oh my God!", they shrieked. Like they'd ever heard of it before.

That's it. Gotta run. Someone's at the door.

Week 5: Cirque du So Lame

If it's Wednesday, it must be Bachelor viewing day. Yeah, sorry about that. But what do you expect? I'm not blogging anyway. So I watch it when I get around to it. I appreciate the comments, though. Keep 'em coming. I guess when I post this so long after the fact, it doesn't exactly lend itself to hits and comments. Oh well, as the French say, "It is the life."

* I always really liked Nancy McKeon (aka Jo from Facts of Life) so is my crush on funeral director Shawntel a reflection of that? I don't think so. She seems normal. As Brad so aptly put it, "She's sexy without trying to be, which makes her even sexier." Exactly. And smart, too. Something's got to give, though.

* Shawntel McKeon got to go on a shopping spree, which enraged the rest of the field, especially the heretofore quiet Marissa, who showed us her ugly and hard side. So I wasn't surprised to see her go home.

* There's a real disconnect between the group shots of Crazy Michelle 2.0 (the Elizabeth Hurley lookalike) and her private interviews with the camera crew. In the former, she seems to get along with everyone and look somewhat sane. In private, she's an absolute nut job ("I am fun and hot." "I don't like them.") Which only supports my theory that she's trying super hard to be a character type (unstable bad girl) so she'll be noticed not so much by Brad but by Hollywood. Hollywood doesn't punish antisocial behaviour; it encourages it because it can make money off it. The worst part of it is how bad an actress she is. She's Madonna bad.

* Brad may not have known about Emily Parton's ex-fiancé being a NASCAR racer, but the producers did. I don't think we can just say Brad came up with the date. These dates and locations are all promos planned well in advance. But it all worked out. It was emotional for Em, but cathartic.

* The Bachelor Blogger Humanitarian Award™ goes to Alli (the brunette Jenny McCarthy) for her understanding of and caring for her fellow castmate, Emily, who went through an emotional time at the Las Vegas NASCAR racetrack, the very same track her fiancé had crashed and ended his driving career before dying in a plane crash on the way to another NASCAR event as an owner. Brad took Emily aside a couple times to make sure she was okay and to let her know she didn't have to get in the car. In receiving the award, Alli said, "We all have problems. We've all been through things." She went on to say, "Just because somebody comes in with the worst story means they get the most attention?" Congratulations Alli McCarthy! Your empathy knows no bounds.

* In a private talk with Brad, Alli blubbers, "It's hard to feel special" when he goes off with "the same girl time after time after time." For the record, he took Emily aside three times that day.

* Brad is still worried that Emily Parton has only been in love once in her life and single for the last six years. She may be a shy and demure southern belle but she's smart as a whip. She reminded him that he's only been in love once before. He corrected her, saying it was more than once. She retorted, "Well, you're a little older than me, m'dear." Touché! You go, girl.

* I've seen Cirque du Soleil three times now and it's an amazing show. You can't know until you experience one. I always thought it looked lame on TV – and it does – but live it's spectacular. That being said, why would any paying audience want to watch two amateurs (Brad and Dentist Ashley) perform? I'd like to think it takes great skill and years of experience to do what they do. Who knew it takes about an hour of rehearsal on the same day of the performance?

* Nanny Ashley has the cutest sob. When cut loose, she blubbered with the best of them. And when she said, "I just feel really sad" it sounded just like a five-year-old kid. If you stuck around to watch the out-take at the end, you'll have seen her with a giant teddy bear that she couldn't bear to part with going to Vegas. So I'm guessing it was a good move by Brad to let her go. Maybe once she goes through puberty she'd make better wife material.

* The Bachelor Blogger Best Editing Award™ goes to the segment where Brad and Dentist Ashley are swinging through the air to the tune of Elvis singing Are You Lonesome Tonight juxtaposed with shots of Nanny Ashley weeping in the limo ("Is your heart filled with pain?"). Well done.

* Before and after the upcoming highlights, Chris Harrison announces that this is the "most controversial season of The Bachelor". That's the first we've heard that, isn't it? What was the last most controversial season? Was it Womack's first time through where he picked no one? What could top that? Could it be that he picks no one a second time? That's all I can think of. Any other predictions of what could make this the most controversial season, please leave them in the comments section.