Bachelor Ben: Courtney's mea culpa

The annual Women Tell All episode is always a classic, always good for 15 minutes of entertainment wrapped up in layers of network time wasters. This year's was no exception. The segments featuring the new and improved Courtney 2.0 were the only worthwhile bits on the show. We got to see a tearful and regretful model being attacked from all sides. That's always fun. But we'll get to that. I don't have much else to say about the other segments, but let's, as usual, go in order.

Why does Chris Harrison get a standing ovation? He's the constant face of the franchise, but his total face time is maybe 5% and he says the exact same things from season to season, depending on the show. But hey, I realize everyone in attendance is stoked just to be there. It couldn't be that they're told to stand and cheer, could it? Nah.

Oh, before I go any further in my stream of consciousness post, I got a comment last week from a newcomer to these pages, so far as I can tell. It was signed 'Anonymous', as many are, but I have ways of seeing which city it comes from and it's one that hasn't been represented in the comments before. In case you missed it, here it is:

Just a note, FYI. They drive the girls around in that limo (after they are eliminated) sometimes up to 6 hours egging them on emotionally trying to get them as worked up as possible to get that footage we see at the end. The producers do not stop badgering them, bringing up their past failed relationships, dead pets, whatever it takes, to get them to cry and become hysterical. Thought you'd want to know. 

That doesn't sound outside the realm of possibility, but it's nothing I had considered before. The comment suggests that often the women are completely fine after being dumped on national television so sometimes it takes up to six hours to get them to show some emotion. If that's the case, it truly sucks, but it doesn't surprise me. I'd just ask Anonymous for some information that corroborates the claim. Was Anonymous a contestant? Does Anonymous know a former contestant? Does or did Anonymous work on the show or know someone who did? You'd think that someone like Kacie B., for instance, who suffered a huge limousined breakdown, might have offered up the above excuse just to save face, although I'm sure there are contracts signed that forbid such talking out of school. But I always wonder what the consequences would be if someone reneged on that contract. Would a court uphold the contract and force the contestant to pay millions of dollars? Someone should test it out, thereby exposing the show for what it really does. I think the show would risk losing fan or network support if they successfully sued some twentysomething fan favourite who was put through emotional torture for the entertainment of the masses just for talking about the process.

But I digress.

Loved the reunion clip featuring our "favourite cast members." You know, such favourites as Mickey and Christina (who?) or Jon and Stacey (never heard of them) or Kasey and Lisa P. Okay, on closer inspection I remember Kasey but that's only because someone described his makeout session with Lisa P. as weird so I took a closer look. Sure enough, that was Kermit. Maybe Lisa P. was hoping he'd turn into a prince. Why else would anyone kiss that guy ever?

Then they showed Ed and Jillian followed by Roberto and Ali. You know, all the Bachelor success stories.

We're finally introduced to this year's former contestants and I'm struck, as I am each and every Women/Men Tell All episode, at how few of them I remember. And I write their names every week! Going on this show trying to reach some sort of lasting fame, beyond the metaphorical fifteen minutes, makes about as much sense as going on to find lasting love.

Harrison is always interested in getting their opinions and feelings regarding the first day they pull up to the house in the limos and meet Ben. Why? How is this relevant? Then again, Harrison is a former sports reporter and we know they're not exactly renown for their insightful questions.

The first montage sequence is on Blakeley, who completes the circle: She started out as a jerk, turned into a good girl midway through, and now returns as a jerk. It was a veritable circle jerk. But by the time Lady Courtney arrived, Blakeley was back as the good girl. Pick a character and stick to it, girlfriend.

When someone named Samantha asked Blakeley why so many of the women are such good friends but Blakeley isn't, the VIP Waitress with the sailor tattoo on her forearm said, "Because I'm a lot older than you and I'm more mature than you and I actually don't bother myself with small-minded people, that's why." Spoken like a mature adult.

Fashion notes: Emily was practically falling out of her top and Kacie B. had her shirt open to her naval, like Wes. Only Wes had bigger boobs.

Brittney, the grandma's girl who left the show, revealed her reasons: she felt "no attraction towards Ben whatsoever." No one asked about how her grandmother felt. Come on, Harrison, do your job. That was an obvious follow-up.

Brittney was always a quiet, almost invisible, presence on the show but she showed some firepower when she stopped the shrill Samantha in her tracks by saying, "You're like the chihuahua in the house: you just don't stop talking, you just don't stop talking, so shut up!" clapping her hands on each word for emphasis.

My gal Shawntel came back to talk about all the misplaced anger towards her. She felt bullied by the negative comments about her body image and how she was treated. And I don't blame her. She's hot. And why would anyone be upset with her rather than the producers or Chris Harrison who arranged for it to happen? That never ceases to amaze me. If the producers didn't think this would be a good idea, it ain't happening. In some cases, I'm sure they even approach former contestants to come back.

Emily flexed her impressive head muscles with some flawless logic and psychological analysis. She lost some respect for Ben (just as most of North America has), crystallizing our thoughts on the Great Skinnydipping-gate scandal of 2012: Ben disrespected the ten or so other women involved in the process when he got naked with Courtney because his judgment would always be clouded due to sex on the brain. Valid point. And fair enough if he admitted it and stopped the show right then and there, but he went through the process as if that nude embrace played no role in his future decision-making, putting girls through the emotional wringers by giving them false hope.

Next up was Nicki, the "beautiful divorcée." The hyperbolic Harrison said, "We all fell in love with you and your story." Really? Did I miss that? I liked Nicki but at no time did I feel she transcended the show and became America's sweetheart. Not even within the show. They showed the clip of her tragic limo ride and she said she didn't know if she could ever get over this heartbreak. In response to Harrison's queries, Nicki now says, "It hurt a lot but it's been a few months and I'm myself again." Oh good. We were all worried.

Kacie B. got her turn in the hot seat and was grilled by Harrison, the former sports reporter, with this gem: "So you think you'll find the man of your dreams?" To which Kacie replied, "No. I think that was my last shot. Ben was the only man for me. I'm destined to live a life of misery now." What the hell?! What kind of question was that? I mean, even for a former sports reporter! (If you missed the show, that wasn't Kacie's response at all, but you probably get that. You get it, so you know just how ridiculous that question was.)

Kacie got in a nice little jab at the once golden Ben, saying she now realizes they're not meant for each other because their "core values" are different. As in, she has some; he doesn't.

Now we get to the good stuff with Courtney. This was such a big segment they decided to hire the segment producer from the Maury Povich show. So we got to see Courtney pacing backstage, unable to hear what was being said about her onstage. I half expected she'd come out and we'd find out if Ben really was the father.

How do we all feel about Courtney's performance? Here's my take on it: I hate to hit a girl when she's down, but my sense is that she truly is upset but not because she hurt people or bad-mouthed anyone on TV, but because the tabloids are tearing her a new one, which is causing her and her family grief. I get the feeling that if the tabloids either ignored her or somehow painted her as a hero or comedic genius, she'd be totally happy, even if the women in the house were upset.

In other words, I agree with Jennifer that it was a complete image repair job rather than heartfelt mea culpa.

She said, "I have many regrets. I'm disappointed in myself and how I acted and how I treated the women. Looking back, there are so many things I would have done differently." Okay, fair start. But she kept tripping over her self-delusion. She went on to say, "Living in the house was the problem. I felt like they didn't like me." So she only acted in self-defense, is that it? Because she wasn't liked, she lashed out. It didn't occur to her it was the other way around?

She continued: "I came into this not wanting to have confrontation at all. But there were things that were said that were pretty nasty. And I knew people were talking about." Again, it was only self-defense, she implies. But when Blakeley asked her directly what she said to deserve being called a stripper and the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with, Courtney said, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing." In other words, she only lashed out because people were saying nasty things about her, except she admits Blakeley said nothing about her. Ah, classic sociopathic reasoning.

The C-name passed off her behaviour as a result of insecurity. Enter Professor Emily, who pointed out that everyone else was insecure, too, only "we were human beings and we tried to make a connection to get through." Courtney said nothing, just shook her head and willed herself to tear up.

More inconsistency from Courtney: "I wish they would have had the chance to get to know me a little better and know my story a little bit." And who knows, maybe she was actively wishing this when she locked herself in her room while everyone else was socializing.

Even her apology was a fake: "If I've hurt your feelings, I'm really sorry for that." Note the conditional if. And Professor Emily once again cut through the BS to find the illogic of Courtney's pleas for forgiveness. She cited Courtney's refusal to accept Emily's own apology when C said, "I don't forgive and forget." Emily asked, "Are you asking us to do the same things you wouldn't do?" She's a sharp one, that Emily. And did I mention she was practically falling out of her top?

Harrison is a sucker for tears. He was more interested in asking about how the negative press has affected her and her family rather than how her own behaviour affected her family. I'd like to know what her parents thought of their daughter's behaviour on the show. But it provided another chance for Courtney to deflect: "I don't like being tore [sic] apart by the tabloids – it's awful!" I don't blame her, but she's not looking at the root cause. Why are they tore-ing her apart? Also, I'm always amazed when celebrities care about tabloids because, really, who reads them? And who believes them? I know, I know, millions do, but it's not like they're respected publications.

Courtney gave us a hint as to the outcome next week when she said, "I'm sorry for hurting Ben. I cared for him." Note the past tense. Catching herself, she added, "And still do." If he did choose her, it doesn't sound like they're still together. But we never expected that.

As we saw her walking off-stage (completely tear-free, by the way) and out the back door to a waiting limo, we saw interspersed shots of the girls gossiping about her. I could catch the odd word among the whispers but that's about it. Did anyone hear what was said? Where were the subtitles the show usually gives us?

Then it was Ben's turn, and that was really a nothing segment, other than we learned that Chris Harrison doesn't know how to use the phrase 'begs the question' correctly. Jamie, who tried to walk Ben through a kiss earlier in the season, felt that that embarrassment wasn't enough on her résumé so she decided to throw herself at Ben saying if things don't work out with whoever he chooses, she's still available.

All that was left was a final montage of the final two contestants. And all I could think is that neither one is a good match for Ben, despite him insisting he could see himself living the rest of his life with either one of them. This is one of the few seasons where I don't have a positive rooting interest. My only rooting interest is negative, hoping he finally figures Courtney out.

And just when I realized they spent the last two hours with all the former contenders and didn't spend a single second on the train wreck that was "professional" blogger Jenna, we were treated to the outtakes. Monica revealed she thought Jenna was "batshit crazy" (this just in!) and then offered to share a (new, wrapped) tampon with her. They hugged. And... scene.

Next week: The most controversial season finale in Bachelor history!... What else did you expect?

Bachelor Ben: Fantasyland

Late again. What can I say? The dog ate my computer... No? The truth of the matter, though, is that Mondays suck. I know it's a Bachelor tradition, but it's just about the worst day of the week for me to watch and write. But I must soldier on. Only a couple more weeks until... When does Emily's season start? When does the Canadian version start? What about Bachelor Pad?

So by now we all know Bachelor Ben did all the fake soul-searching he could muster before keeping Courtney. But let's take things in order, as usual, shall we?

This week was the famous fantasy suite dates episode. It's fitting because Ben resides in Fantasyland where he spends his days peeling grapes for models.

What's the shag percentage on these very special overnights, by the way? Any guesses? We all tend to be voyeurs and cynics so we assume they always do the nasty. Yes, the acceptance rate of the invitation card is 100% or very close to it, but what do you think the consummation rate is? By not telling us, the show leaves it up to our imagination, knowing that we'll conclude they were all getting to know each other Biblically. I just don't know, though. That's how Pollyannaish I am. I bet there are lots of instances where they just cuddle or kiss and pass out before the alcohol interrupts the coitus. But we'll never know, I suppose. But of the three delicate flowers that eagerly entered Ben's den – Courtney, Lindzi and Nicki – I'm pretty confident they all woke up in an unflowered state.

This week they were in Switzerland. Today I met a young Swiss nurse. I told her about the show and how they were in Interlaken. She turned up her nose and said it was an ugly part of the country. Which might explain why Interlaken Tourism paid for the show to go there. But it might also explain just how gorgeous that place is. If that's the dump of Switzerland, we're all in the wrong country. Geez, even Swiss Air looked fantastic. I've heard it's a bit on the pricey side but I see why. I've gotta assume Ben was flying first class, but still. Maybe their coach section is the Interlaken of Swiss Air: shitty, but in comparison to other coach sections it's heavenly.

Loved Ben's suitcase, didn't you? He's off to Europe for a couple of weeks and it looks like he could fit a couple pairs of underwear and some socks in the thing. Maybe a dorky bow-tie, but that's about it.

Nicki, the divorcée got the first date. Spoiler alert: She was also sent home. So let's try to figure out why. Was it because she's divorced? Probably not, but the other two have never been married. Of the three remaining, she was the most cherubic so it could have been a body-type preference. She said she's always wanted two kids while Ben says he's always wanted four. He never really told us so we're left to guess. Maybe he didn't like the cut of her cleavage – her girls were on full display in a little window between scarf and top. Or maybe he didn't like her performance in the boudoir. Afterall, he said you can find out a lot about a person from those "alone times". He told us she "exudes confidence" so maybe he likes a more docile bunk-mate.

Their date started off with the requisite helicopter ride. But this one was unlike any other helicopter ride in Bachelor history. The drunken pilot screamed down the side of a glacier headfirst. We didn't see their reactions inside because I'm guessing the cameraman was screaming like a baby and holding on for dear life, but maybe it was in the cab of the 'copter where he lost it for her. Who knows? It's just a shame she was sent home while Lady C lasted one more week.

I always love the look the contestants give when the Bachelor/ette whips out the fantasy suite card. Nicki opted for the what-on-earth-could-this-be? look despite the card and exact wording being a fixture on this series since I was in diapers.

Lindzi got the second date. Remember how non-terrified the supposedly terrified-of-heights Lindzi was standing outside an airborne helicopter before jumping into the ocean? Right. Well, this week she was even more non-terrified as she smiled rappelling all the way down a 300-foot rock cliff. It was so non-terrifying that Ben invoked his late father with a couple of "Oh my Dad"'s.

It was here that Lindzi also brought back the child in all of us when she said, "I think I'm a-scared to tell Ben that I love him." Is that not adorable? I thought she slipped up when she referred to herself as the Ice Queen to Ben but it really made no difference because Ben isn't keeping her around anyway. He just needed one more warm body, even if it is an Ice Queen, so they can have a final show.

At night, Ben breaks out his ultra-cool Irving R. Levine look. Nothing but the best for this also-ran. But they made a good couple as Lindzi clearly forgot to pack her hair conditioner for the cold dry climate. Still, she and her split ends soldiered on. Ben marvelled at how open she's been all the while keeping his emotional cards close to his bow tie.

When it came time for the card, Lindzi opted for the I'm-not-usually-this-type-of-girl gambit, saying, "Normally I don't just go spend the night with anyone, but this is national TV and I've known you for the equivalent of three days already and shared you with dozens of other women, so of course I'd love to." Or words to that effect.

Interestingly, Ben used the L-word a lot with Lindzi. And no, not 'Lindzi' or 'lesbian'. He actually said he loved her. Oh, don't get me wrong, he didn't tell her, naturally – that'd just make the inevitable so much more difficult – but he told the camera on a few different occasions, even saying he can see him with her for the rest of his life. Of course the phrase "rest of my life" in Bachelorese is equivalent to the expiration of his contract or the start of casting for Bachelor Pad, whichever comes first.

Last but certainly least was Courtney. Ben told us he had serious feelings for her but also had concerns about how she's treated the other women. My own concerns are concerning Ben: Why now? He was warned by a record number of participants yet felt he only had to pay lip service to the warnings at this stage of the game? Oh, Ben, you're so transparent.

I'm positive Courtney's management team was informed of their client's disastrous showing to date and told her to get her act together for the final stretch. The difference in her interview segments the last week or two compared to the first three quarters of the season is startling. Or maybe (cheap shot alert) it's the drugs wearing off (models have been known to partake of certain activities and Ms. C's actions and body movements don't exactly belie that fact). Had she comported herself like this all along she might have been America's Sweetheart. As it is, no amount of unmelted butter in her mouth will save her reputation now.

Even her pre-emptive strike to Ben, cutting his questions off at the pass, was shallow and deceptive. Her tone was apologetic and conciliatory but her words were still as unaccepting of responsibility as your typical sociopath: "I tried really hard to be nice with them," she said about the women she shit on all season long. "I'd say something and they'd jump on me." She even said, "This brought out the worst in me," which implies that it's in her to begin with. But Ben couldn't concentrate. His mind was on the fantasy suite so all he could do was get the gist of her message through her tone and that weird trying-too-hard-to-be-cute side lip scrunch thing she does.

Ben says he's concerned because he has lots of women friends and Courtney has admitted she doesn't. Is this going to be a problem? No surprise, Courtney didn't answer. Or, rather, she did the old Tibetan Gadrii nombor shulen jongu: she gave a green answer to a blue question. She'd make a great politician, that one. Or at least she could play the role of Sarah Palin in a biopic.

Ben was caught in her headlights. He marvelled, "Just to hear you say you acknowledge this means I know it must be true because nobody would ever spew empty words just to prolong their prime-time TV exposure." Or words to that effect.

They quickly put that bit of business to rest and rushed off to a rustic ground-level cabin with no curtains on its many windows passing as the fantasy suite. It didn't really matter what the place looked like. There was much copulating to do before sun-up.

We were then treated with a sneak peak of Miss Emily's upcoming quest for love. She might have uttered six words during the whole thing. This is going to be a riveting season, I can tell.

Back in Switzerland, you'll never believe who happened to be vacationing there after leaving the show: Kacie! Maybe there was a baton-twirling competition in Interlaken. So while in town, she dropped in on Ben, who was as astonished as the girls were at getting the fantasy suite card. Because nobody ever returns to the show this late in the season, am I right? It's unheard of! But there she was, looking as cute as ever, if a little jet-lagged. She just wanted some answers because she didn't see it coming at all. Ben explained to her they were just worlds apart and came from different backgrounds and didn't see her in the end. What else is he going to say? That he's not attracted to little boys? Kacie hinted that she thought it might be because of her parents' views on shacking up, but insisted that she makes up her own mind. Ben was having none of it, though, even as she held his hand and rubbed it with her thumb.

I think Kacie would have made a much better Bachelorette than Emily will make. Emily was always a reluctant participant. Her heart's not in it. But Kacie would be a live-wire and her parents would disown her. It would be so great.

Next, she tried once again to steer Ben clear of Courtney, warning him he'll get his heart broken. Not sure why she doesn't support this. If she plays her cards right, she can have him in 4 to 6 months after they flame out. Kacie can faux-innocently send a text offering her condolensces and coyly suggesting they meet up for a coffee. Presto, rebound sex followed by more dating and an eventual off-air real-life proposal. But no, she had to drop her pants this early in the proceedings. Rookie.

Ben pretended to be confused by Kacie's dire warnings. He reached deep down to his psyche and asked, "Do I really like this person [Courtney] or am I being played?" The answer came back: "She's a model, dummy. You know what to do."

Chris Harrison asked Ben if he wanted Kacie in the rose ceremony even though there was no hint of this happening before. Ben said no. But why not? Put her in, then don't give her a rose again. She flew all that way for nothing. Throw her a bone. You know she'll catch it, spin it in the air, then catch it again while doing the splits. That's worth a chuckle.

Ben said this rose ceremony was up in the air. He wouldn't make any decisions until the last minute. He didn't define 'last minute' but the sense I got was it would be when he was standing out there staring them down. And Courtney's eyebrows got to him. When the first rose went to Lindzi, I knew it was over for Nicki. And so it was. Courtney got the second and last rose. On the way out to the limo, Nicki said, "I hope you're making the right decision," to which Ben replied, "Believe me, I do, too." Not, "Believe me, I am." Ben's brain knows he's doing the impractical thing, but his libido is leading him to bacchanalian delight and ultimate heartbreak. But at least there's always the Bachelor Pad to help pick up the pieces.

Next week is the (hopefully) entertaining reunion episode. For that reason alone I wish he would have sent Courtney home. Courtney vs the horde would have been wonderfully irresistible. Alas, it's not to be. At least we can look forward to two weeks hence for "the most controversial season ending" in Bachelor history!

Bachelor Ben: What the #%*@ happened?!

Well, well, well... What do we make of that? The black widow continues to mesmerize Ben, but were you lured into her web with her new and improved image? I certainly wasn't. She has so perfected the art of snark that any attempts at sincerity seem like nothing more than a last-ditch effort at damage control from her publicity team. Or was I just sucked into the season-long "bad edit" she received from the editors? My spidey senses tell me I'm right. Like a true spider, she gives me the creeps.

But first things first. We'll get to her in due time. The first hometown date went to hippophile Lindzi, who visited her similarly horse-loving parents in Florida. Lindzi's folks, according to her mom, kept their only child away from boys growing up so she hasn't had a lot of experience dating. The one guy she brought home to meet the parents dumped her. It was an "end-of-world heartbreak" for the naif. But this time... oh, this time, is different. She hopes Ben is the last guy she brings home because, obviously, she's never seen the show before or read anything about it. She really must have been sheltered, not only from dating but from anything dating-related. How would she not know that this series ain't exactly got a good track record, marriage-wise? Even if she gets the final rose, I'll go out on a limb and predict the concept of forever will remain just that: a concept.

Lindzi greets Ben on a horse. Ben acts like this is a first. He sounds surprised when he says, "You look good on this thing." Uh, Ben, I know it was probably three weeks ago now, but remember that first night when you met the women? Think back. One of them entered on horseback. That was Lindzi. Okay, granted it was another horse. I'll give you that. Maybe that's what you meant.

Another clue Lindzi has never seen the show before is the way she over-pronounces "important". She's the first contestant in the history of the franchise to acknowledge in any way the presence of the first 't'.

Lindzi introduces Ben to her folks as "my boyfriend" and Ben immediately checks out. Until he quickly falls for her dad. I think Ben may be more interested in a new father figure than he is in a wife. When Lindzi tells her parents Ben is from Sonoma, pop creepily says, "I knew that" and Ben is smitten. When the parents mention they were married at San Francisco City Hall, where Ben and Lindzi had their first date, it sends shivers up Ben's spine. When daddy proposes a carriage race, Ben graciously lets them win and pulls their carriage back to the house like an indentured servant.

I got a bit of chill when I thought Lindzi's dad said, "You're a nice young man and you're a good race, too," but thank heaven for PVRs, which allowed me to rewind and hear he said "racer".

I lost count of the number of times Lindzi used the word 'future' in connection with Ben. Suffice it say, this might be a recipe for another end-of-world heartbreak. But really, isn't that what this show is all about? We get one giddily happy winner and probably 15 inconsolable losers every season. Do we watch for the true and lasting love that never materializes or the emotional trauma inherent in the show's very format? I think we think we watch for the former but deep down we know it's the latter. It's tragicomedy at its finest.

Next up was a visit to Tennessee to visit Kacie's family in the Bible Belt. Ben was met at a football field with a full-on marching band. Bringing up the rear was Kacie proudly showing off her baton-twirling mad skillz. Somewhat sadly I didn't detect any sense of irony, camp or embarrassment from her. My fondness for the Kute one refuses to allow me to fully believe this was her idea. I'm certain the evil producers came up with it to sabotage her chances. But c'mon, Ben, you gotta at least admit it's kinda weird. And you like weird chicks.

After her performance, she explains to Ben the significance of the field, named for her grandfather, a beloved figure in the community. In fact, when he died, his grandmother said she wouldn't last until the end of the year. And she turned out to have been prophetic. Crazily, Kacie said this is what she wants, too. I mean, it sounds romantic in theory, but its practical application is fraught with ghoulish possibilities.

So those two red flags were going against her when Ben went to meet her tea-totalling father, the federal probation officer. Ben was so spooked, being a vintner, that he presented the parents with only one bottle of wine when he arrived. But he's no cad – he and Kacie drank it themselves, not forcing it on anyone else.

Maybe I'm an old codger, but I thought Kacie's dad was right on target. Seemed like a decent and reasonable chap. You could see the teenaged girl in the 24-year-old as she fought back at really nothing. Her father was just saying not to rush into anything. Okay, yes, both her mom (who looked 30 years younger than her husband) and her dad said they didn't want Kacie living with Ben before marriage, which shows a bit of inflexibility, but they didn't seem like iron-fisted jerks about it. Kacie felt like they were questioning her judgment. The nerve!

You could tell Kacie's sister was still under their spell. She hadn't yet tasted freedom so when Kacie told her, "That's my future husband. Dead serious," her sister sat there gobsmacked ready to whisk Kacie away to a deprogramming centre.

What might very well have done young Kacie in was when her father told Ben that if Kacie wasn't the one, he hoped Ben would communicate that to her soon rather than stringing her along. Again, a reasonable request. So maybe Ben did the right thing in letting her go this week. Doubtful (if only because he kept Courtney) but maybe.

Ben then travelled to Texas for a visit with the divorced parents of the divorced Nicki, who, away from the wardrobe department in Hollywood, met Ben wearing a most outrageous pumps-and-hip-hugger combo. But maybe that's how they roll in the Lone Star State.

Nicki talked about her failed marriage. She rejected the notion she gave up on her blessed union, saying she "gave her all for a solid two years." I think we all agree that's way more than acceptable, especially given her folks have been divorced for almost Nicki's entire life. But they seemed to get along, which was nice to see, and Nicki at least pretended their advice was sound and based on solid principles.

Her mom was like a really supportive best girlfriend as they sat on a bed and talked about the burgeoning relationship. The dad was more realistic as he braced his daughter for her 25% odds in this game of love. Maybe he watched the dailies of the night before because he made sure to add that he has complete faith in her judgment so the only tears shed would be tears of joy and mutual respect.

Daddy-o toasts Ben and gives him an out, saying he hopes to see him again but that if he and Nicki don't end up together, he won't be mad, just disappointed. So we know who's getting dumped next week. After the meal – a meal, by the way, which Ben hardly touched while everyone else cleaned off their plate – Nicki took Ben to what I assume was her mom's bedroom and they proceeded to make out. She says, "After today, I'm in love with you." Ben says he has a "great gut feeling about Nicki." Presumably he wasn't talking about the hip-huggers.

Finally we get to see what spawned Cuckoo Courtney as we headed to Scottsdale, Arizona, to meet her parents and sister. But first we see a contrite Lady C telling us she's disappointed in herself for treating the other girls the way she did. I felt like I feel when a professional athlete has to issue an apology for some horrendous act he perpetrated and you know he had no hand whatsoever in writing it.

Oh, call me cynical but she still seems slightly (or greatly) off-kilter. She's saying all the right things and delivering the lines in a somewhat convincing manner if we were watching her for the first time, but we know too much now. If only Ben knew. I guess he does by now since the taping is long completed, but we won't hear his thoughts on the matter for a few weeks yet, if at all.

Courtney was all over the map, flip-flopping like a land-locked fish caught by John Kerry in simple beach footwear. She couldn't get her message straight. One moment she's telling her family, in front of Ben, she like/loves him. The next she's saying she's scared to tell him how she feels. Then when she does get up the fake-nerve, she tells him she's "falling for" him. Then at a fake-wedding ceremony (you heard me!) she says, "I want you to know I'm in love with you." Of course, she said this while reading her fake-vows while rocking semi-autistically back and forth. They then drive off in a white SUV decorated with "Almost Married" on the back.

This, along with the famous skinny-dipping escapade, was another one of those give-away moments that his final pick was the model with less than model behaviour. Try imagining it any other way: He picks Lindzi and he weathers the storm of watching the season unfold with her and explaining the naked oceanic embrace. Now comes a fake wedding ceremony where he and Courtney exchange fake rings and fake vows in front of a real Justice of the Peace and seal it with a real kiss. How does this go over? I mean it's possible this imaginary ending's winner would forgive and forget, but it's pretty doubtful. Oh, but who are we kidding. It's not like it would last with whoever he picked no matter what happened.

Speaking of skinny-dipping, did you stick around for the always-hilarious (read: seldom even remotely funny) blooper reel at the end? C's sis toasted the couple and mentioned the nude romp. B & C were mortified, embarrassed and defensive. Ben wondered what his mom would think. Did they not realize they were being televised that night? That it could be just let it be their little secret? I really want him to choose either Lindzi or Nicki just so we can hear him talk his way out of the awkwardness. I mean, I want either of them for other reasons, too, but that's a big one. Although I suppose it's a win-win because I'm pretty sure the B-C coupling will be very public and potentially very explosive.

Going into the rose ceremony, I wasn't sure who he'd send home. My logical guess was Kacie but it was based solely on external factors. But when he sat down with Chris Harrison to rehash the dates, that's when I was convinced it would be her. In Scottsdale he told Mr. Courtney's Father that he was looking for a strong and independent woman. Now he was describing Kacie as "one of the most kind and gentle women" he's met.

And sure enough, he hands the roses out in order to Courtney, Lindzi and Nicki. Lindzi and Nicki hug poor Kacie while Courtney takes notes on the sidelines on how to fake empathy for next week when she'll be standing beside the loser.

Kacie, to her credit, handled it well. She smiled. Yes, it was a smile of shock, but it was graceful and mature. Even when she talked to Ben she was sensible: "I know there was a chance I could be broken-hearted," she bravely offered.

But then came the limo. The dreaded limo. I'm beginning to wonder if they have a plate of chopped onions in the glove compartment, or maybe wash the interior with pepper spray before the rejects enter. Because the waterworks are inevitable, no matter how stoic they are before getting in the vehicle. Kacie was no exception, wailing, "Why does it have to hurt so bad?... I had no idea this was coming... What does he want? It's not me. I thought it was me. I was so stupid... I loved him and I don't know what to do now... What the fuck happened?! What the fuck happened?!" (It's not outside the realm of possiblity, by the way, our favourite twirler said, "What the hell happened?!" and the producer made some unnecessary censorship to make her look more outraged, but we'll go with the expletive they intended us to believe because it's more fun to imagine innocence lost.)

I think Miss Kacie might get a good talking-to when she gets home. Maybe even be grounded.

Next week they're off to sunny Switzerland, one of my favourite countries. Can't wait. We were teased that someone makes a return visit. Who could it be that just happened to be in Switzerland? She walked like the Undertaker. I'd love for it to be her again. Also, how many seasons in a row has it been where someone returns on the last vacation destination? It never turns out. Just once I'd like to see him ditch everyone for the returnee.