Bachelor Canada: Get your ya-yas out

I just thought of the biggest downside to me posting these recaps six days post facto: It might give some the impression that I've been crafting this all week. Not so at all. It's still the same poorly constructed, typo-filled mess. I watched the episode last night, scribbled some notes, and now I'll pump this out before I have to go out before noon. So let's not waste any more time.

It was hometown visits week. Tim called last week "one of the most intense weeks of my life." He's either lived a very charmed life or lots gets lost in the editing.

The first visit was to Edmonton, where Trish was waiting for Tim in an Oilers jersey outside a hockey arena. She had a Leafs jersey to give to him when he arrived. Trish thought maybe they could play a little one-on-one with the winner getting a kiss. I love how she thinks of kisses as something one performs on another, rather than a mutually beneficial experience.

Turns out Tim is quite the skater. He looks pro level to me. Then again, I can't skate. But anytime I see someone skating backwards, I just assume they're professional. He even went further with it by kissing her while skating backwards.

Trish admitted to us that's she's in love with him. She's just nervous to tell him, but just "a hairline away" from telling him. She hemmed and hawed at the arena: "Since I've been on this... I don't even know what to call it. I guess like a journey." Wow, did she just coin that analogy? A journey? Let me jot that one down. (Obviously she's never seen the show before. Or read the handbook of acceptable Bachelor words and phrases.)

Trish's family's approval is important to her so she hopes he likes oddballs. She introduced Tim to her parents, grandparents, and some others I forgot to note. See how I used "wow" in the previous paragraph? That was to get you warmed up to the word. The producers put together a nice little wow-montage. It seemed to be her family's favourite word. Tim said, "They might be quirky or whatnot" but they make him feel like one of the family. Wow.

Trish talked to her mom in the kitchen, who was a good foot shorter than Trish. Does that count as one of the quirks? Don't think so. Just an observation.

Outside the house, Trish waggled her tongue in thought then managed to say, "I am falling for you." Usually in these situations, the Bachelor stays mum and smiles and kisses the person who just opened their heart for him. In this case, Time replied, "I fell for you a long time ago." Telling? Then they grab each other's heads and engage in tongue-to-tongue combat. No one peeked out the window.

Next was Seashell's turn. We saw her standing outside an airport in Toronto. The fog precluded her from going to her hometown of Sudbury. Or maybe it was just the smog from Sudbury. She broke the news to Tim, saying they might be able to make it for dinner. "The whole date is ruined now," she moped. Not quite. Tim promised to show her Tim's Toronto.

So off they went. He told her all about the city on their drive in. As a westerner who's never been there, I always assumed every place in Ontario was basically Toronto. And if you're not actually from the place, you'd certainly been many times.

They went for coffee and sat watching children toddle by. Seashell said she wanted a boy first. If she doesn't get her wish, I'm sure her firstborn daughter will appreciate watching this footage of her mom. Tim told her he wanted two kids at least. She thinks he's "full husband material."

After one coffee, they had a flight to catch. Couldn't they have had their coffee at the airport? I'm sure more happened to fill the time. Could it have been more boring than watching them drink coffee? Why didn't we see it?

They arrive in Sudbury. Thank God the show wasn't filmed in Smell-o-vision! (Actually, I hear the sulphur dioxide emissions in this mining town have reduced considerably over the years, but I still like to think of it as smelly.)

She brings Tim home to meet her family, including her intense brother, who informs Tim that he watched an interview with him "about ten times." Oh, and he typically doesn't like the guys Seashell dates. He tells Tim that Seashell is "the grounded one" in the family, and "the angel." Tim can feel the bro staring at him.

Her dad rescues Tim but not for long. Bro shows up to play "bad cop" to dad's "good cop." Then there was a weird edit. He talked about her past boyfriends saying he's "been tempted to maybe drop one into a couple of them." Meaning hit them. But then they edited him to maybe suggest he was talking about dropping one (?) into Tim. (Is that a Sudbury phrase, by the way?) The guy looked like he was in the witness protection program with a wig and fake beard. He talked about "sizing him up" and realizing he could take him and "holding a punch back" but wanting to hear what the guy had to say first. I'm pretty certain he was talking about his past experience with one of Seashell's suitors, but it wasn't presented as such.

He told Tim that an engagement means marriage and to let Seashell go if he's not 100% sure instead of dragging her through heartbreak. Ending with this pseudo-threat: "Don't hurt my sis, you know? That's my girl." Then he told the cameras, with a smile indicating to me he was fooling around or giving the producers what they asked for, "I do feel like he really likes her so I decided not to hit him."

Outside, Tim gave Seashell a hug. A hug! That was telling. I think he was afraid to kiss her in case the brother was looking on. But that hug eventually turned into a kiss. A little subdued kiss, but still a kiss. He described her as "that forever kind of girl."

Next up was April's hometown, a place I'd never heard of: Wasaga Beach, Ontario. And the beach looked beautiful. And empty. Google tells me it's the longest beach in the world. I guess the name Longbeach was already taken.

April said she could see herself marrying Tim but she's struggling with opening up to him. Tim said April's "still kind of a mystery." He needs to know if she trusts him.

They sit down at the beach and she gives Tim a history lesson to show him where the wall around her stems from. She tells him her parents were "partiers" and that her father died of partying, i.e. drug overdose, when she was 8. She has no relationship with her mother. She was raised by her grandparents.

Tim said he understands her now and that wall is "not so daunting." He feels closer than ever before.

They go to a restaurant her grandparents used to own where Tim meets the whole family. Which brings me to a personal pet peeve. Indulge me. I know I may be completely wrong. She said Tim was going to meet "my Ya-ya and my Opa." I get calling one's grandparents weird names. I'm too embarrassed to even mention what we called our grandparents. The point is, though, that it's correct to say, "This is my grandmother" but not "This is my Ya-ya." She calls her "Yaya" so it's like a name. Just like you would say, "This is my brother" but not "This is my Dean."

There. Glad I could finally get that off my chest.

The grandmother spoke with an indeterminate accent. I'm guessing Greek. The grandfather didn't speak. As we saw in upcoming highlights last week, the grandmother was a tough nut. The 89-year-old told Tim over the dinner table, "You are very muscular. You like to do gym and outdoors. I can see through you."

Dum-dum-DUM! Tim mopped the sweat from his brow and we went to commercial.

My first thought was it was a language issue. Or maybe confusion. But they really wanted us to believe she was going to give Tim a piece of her mind. Not the case at all, as we saw immediately when we got back from the break. She continued, "I'm very impressed. You are a very wonderful young man and you have lots of qualities inside you. You have quality things in your heart." What a hard-ass!

She told the cameras, "Somehow I think I know him for a long time. I have a connection with his heart and my heart."

Then she flirted with him, asking if his mother ever said, "Ich liebe dich" to him. Is Tim German? I guess so. And I guess Opa is, too, because Ya-Ya said he told her what it meant. I knew what it meant, but Tim didn't. It means I love you. April, standing next to them, said playfully, "You love him before I said it!"

Seeing her family warm up to Tim made her feel more connected to him, too. And it showed outside. She told him she's falling for him. And she really took control in the kissing department. Tim told us his heart is melting and added, "In that moment, I'm falling for her so hard." Ah, those three little words. No, not "falling for her." What was up with "in that moment"? Is that telling, too?

Finally, Calgary, where Lisa awaited with too much make-up and bad girl leather pants on. Maybe she figured it worked for Olivia Newton-John in Grease, so it might work for her.

Tim said he was having "serious reservations" about her and was losing sleep over it. They took a walk in the park and he sat her down and said, "Will you tell me what happened last week?" I replayed her reply several times but couldn't figure out what she said. It sounded like she repeated the question to him. But maybe she said she did tell him already.

He told her he could totally see himself falling for her. "We could travel, I could maybe convince you to move to Toronto." Lisa looked at hopeful but as soon as she said, "And?" I think she realized what was coming. Or maybe she heard the sad music they were playing in the background.

He continued: "I could totally see myself doing that with you. I just don't know if I'd feel right taking it any farther. I don't think I could meet your parents in good faith."

So to recap: Tim chose Lisa last week over Kaylynn, got her to get her family together in anticipation of meeting him, then ended it almost as soon as he saw her. Nice.

Lisa wasn't totally shocked. She's cool as a cuke. She said, "I don't know what to say," with a trace of a smile. Some might call it a smirk. Tim said sorry and she chuckled. As he walked away in the park, she turned to the camera and said with faux something (I can't quite put my finger on it), "I knew it!"

In the limo, she said he "listened too much to the other girls, who are my competitors at this point." She said they were just waiting for something to come at her with. It's a good thing Lisa gave them that very thing. It's a good thing she kissed that waiter.

Tim said he didn't trust her. Her exit interview was short and to the point: "I'm done." With her trademark smile/smirk.

In Vancouver for the rose ceremony, would all three move on since Lisa was gone? One would assume. But Tim said there were two women he could see himself spending the rest of his life with. Two! I had no clue which two it would be at first, but I nailed it before he started handing out roses.

April showed up with a wowza dress cut down to here showing off her ya-yas. Trish showed up wearing Elton John's shoes. Seashell showed up.

Not only didn't she stand out, I also figured her brother scared Tim off. And when we heard her say she'd be "devastated" if she wasn't picked, that sealed it.

The three noticed the two roses. Then they noticed Lisa wasn't there. Tim told them there were only two roses because he "learned a lot in hometowns." He said there were some connections that are stronger than others and said he didn't want to lead anyone on (i.e. didn't want to get whacked by someone's brother). In truth, it was probably because the show's budget didn't allow for an extra rose. And the network wanted this off the air as soon as possible.

The roses went in order to:

1. April
2. Trish

And, as predicted, Seashell would be going back to Sudbury. She put on a brave face in the lineup. Tim told her he meant everything he said, calling her "so caring" and "so beautiful." She melted in his chest and cried. I hope she got snot on his tie.

She said, "I did not expect that." She was beginning to imagine her life with him. "Now I'm back at square one. That's the hardest part." If only there were such a thing as Bachelorette Canada, I'd be rooting for her to be the star.

Next week Tim, Trish and April are off to Tahiti. No, scratch that. Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Finally the host returns to earn his money. Scratch that again: next week is tomorrow!

Don't expect this to be late every week. I mean, it very well may be. But I may surprise you all and get this up the next day. Don't hold your breath, but it's a possibility.

Bachelor Canada: A real she-said/she-said

I think I've stumbled upon a new tradition: Posting recaps six days after an episode airs. Look, if I post immediately that night or the following morning, it's too fresh in your minds. You know what happened. If I wait until the night before the next episode airs, it's like a little refresher that'll get you ready for the following night's entertainment... That's what I'm telling myself anyway as I find myself super late again. But I think there's merit to it.

Oh, and thanks for the comments last week. Glad to know I'm not alone here.

Tim, Seashell, Lisa the Red, Trish, Kaylynn, and April were in Tuscany this week. Pretty exotic locale. I was wondering how the low budget Canadian offshoot could afford such extravagance until I saw the Buitoni brand splashed about in every segment. They were staying at "the amazing Casa Buitoni where master chefs come to create food," they made Buitoni pizza wearing Buitoni aprons and Buitoni chef hats under awnings announcing Buitoni and we saw ads for Buitoni frozen pizza in between segments. Oh Canada! Oh brother.

Seashell starts out telling us she's falling in love with Tim. Which led to the date card that went, predictably, to Not Seashell. She was upset with a sunken heart when she found out Trish would get the sparkly date. Trish was like, "Are you--? What? No. Huh? Me? Yeah!"

But Seashell didn't have bad words for Trish. She saved those for Lisa. And for some strange reason, after weeks of the Canadian censors letting the word "shit" fly out of their mouths, this week the word was bleeped. Seashell said, "Lisa's not one of the genuine catches for Tim. She's two-faced, she's not taking this seriously, and she has talked [bleep] about every single one of the women."

Out on the patio, naive April asked, "Does anyone question anyone else's connection with Tim at this point?" It wasn't a pointed question, either. She's that sweet and innocent.

But Seashell raised her hand like she was in school, not amongst four friends. She offered that some people are not here for the right reasons. Hey, someone has to say it every season so it might as well be her. Lisa knew who she was referring to.

"I really don't care what they think," Lisa the Red said. "These girls mean nothing to me."

On the date, Trish commented positively on the graffiti. Yes, they were in Italy walking through gorgeous streets and she liked the graffiti.

While the Canadian censors were busy bleeping the word "shit," they missed out on pixilating Tim's nether regions. He was wearing the tightest pants imaginable. We know now which way he dresses (to the right). Those with a hi-def TV might even know if he's circumsized. Good lord!

They sit at a corner table on a piazza. Tim said it was the "perfect place to fall in love." I thought that was perhaps telling. I could see Trish saying that but for Tim to have said it means something more, I'd imagine.

He likes how silly he can be with Trish, a side of him not a lot of people bring out. They kiss and laugh and have a good time. But the whole thing seemed backwards. I mean, first Tim telling us, instead of Trish, that it's the perfect place to fall in love, and then Trish told Tim, instead of the other way around, that she felt he's "holding back a little." What's happening here? Who holds the cards?

Tim explained that he's concerned of "letting go and then being rejected." It's a topsy-turvy world! Trish was surprised (pleasantly) at his lack of confidence.

He then gave Trish a little present because she makes him feel special. It was a box from Michael Hill jewelry (free advertising for product because it makes the company feel special). That's right, Tim gave Trish a diamond necklace and diamond earrings. She's not even in the final two! But I guess the sponsor wanted its name out there sooner rather than later.

Trish imagined in her "imaginary mind" a perfect date would include diamonds ("totally"), Italy ("boom"), champagne ("totes"), and a hot guy (Tim "nailed it"). I think she's being hard on herself. I believe she really has a mind. Not a particularly sharp one, apparently, but a real one.

She whispers, "Best date ever" and they slow dance to an accordion player in a plaza. Trish said, "We fit perfectly." Well, I suppose she'll find out for sure in the fantasy suite. But that's for another episode.

The next date card was for Kaylynn, April and Lisa. You can imagine in your imaginary minds how thrilled Kaylynn was. "Gargh! That sucks!" she enthused.

Seashell added that Lisa's "a nasty [bleep]". What is happening with the censors this week? Since when is "bitch" bleeped out anywhere, let alone on Canadian airwaves?

Lisa called the others, "catty" and "unsure of themselves." Then the Calgary hairstylist said, "They're the epitome of why I don't like females. Simple." I'm sure her clientele will appreciate that.

Before the group date could happen, Seashell informed us that "something happened" the previous night. "The girls and I went out to a bar and..." Hang on. Wait a minute. Is this usual? They went out to a bar? How much down time do they have? I guess the producers said go for it since the show only gets an hour of airtime a week. There's no time to shoot fun stuff around the residence because it wouldn't get shown anyway. So off they went to a local watering hole. I'll let Seashell continue: "... and Lisa did something that was completely unacceptable." Sounded like a set-up to me.

The next night there was silence amongst the womenfolk as they sipped on wine. Kaylynn said, "Nobody knows what to ask or how to address the situation." What happened to her go-to move of crying and running to the bathroom? That's one way.

Trish gave us the dirt: "Lisa made out with a guy at a pub." Now we're cooking with gasoline! The show just got good.

Kaylynn was upset. With her usual tears, she said, "I feel disrespected but I'm more angry than anything." Um, what? I was like, are you--? What? No. Huh? Her? I suppose.

Lisa was an open book. She told the gals that, "You can talk about it if you want. Go for it." Then Seashell said how most of them wanted to tell Tim but wouldn't, to which Lisa chuckled, which riled Seashell. "Don't laugh because I actually wasn't going to tell him." Lisa said, "Even if you were, I want to get to it first." Seashell was curious to see if Lisa would own up to it, adding, "If she doesn't tell him, one of us will."

But first the group date with Lisa, Kaylynn and April (Seashell declared that April was the "only normal one on that date"). It was a painting challenge. The three women would paint a betowelled Tim, then he would declare a winner. And that winner would get to spend the rest of the date with Tim while the others would go home. All three paintings were horrendous. Not an ounce of talent among the three of the women. Kaylynn felt, as she always does, that if she doesn't get alone time this time, she could seriously go home. "And that's scary."

But Tim selected Lisa's offering. Which was good, right, since she had to make her confession. Seems the others forgot about that.

The two went to a rooftop table which led to this classic exchange:

Lisa: I fidget when I'm nervous.
Tim: Why are you nervous?
Lisa: I'm not even that nervous. I just like to fidget.

But Lisa was "sick about it." At the same time, it "secured the way [she] feels for Tim." So she tells him, "As wild as I am and as much of a free spirit as I am, at the end of the day, it's important to me that I have that one person that I love to death and care about and can build a world with." But just at the end of the day. At the end of the night she likes to fool around with waiters.

We saw a side of Lisa we hadn't seen before. And not just when she was confessing to Tim. It was there when she was doing her private talks to the camera, too. "I didn't come into this thinking I'd find love because what are the chances?" Good take. "But it turned very quickly – quicker than I thought it would." She said, "I really care about this guy. I think he needs to know what happened. I can't go on unless he knows." And she actually cried. She's human!

So they're walking along after their dinner and she gets him to sit himself down on a nearby bench so she can break the news to him. According to her, she exchanged the Euro-two-cheek kiss with the server who then grabbed her and kissed her. "I'm really sorry," she told him. "I'm totally crazy about you. I needed to get that out."

If that was the extent of it, I don't see the need for tears or grand apologies. The server grabbed her and kissed her. Doesn't sound consensual. So Tim was empathetic. "It's just a shock," he said. And he hugged her for support. We didn't hear but thankfully closed captioning provided in part by Buitoni Pizza let us know she said, "I'm sorry" in their embrace.

Doesn't quite add up, but I wasn't there.

Then Tim said the next day that as much as he wanted to talk about it with Lisa, he had a date with Seashell to get ready for. What about last night? Why didn't he talk about it then?

His date was the pizza-making one I alluded to above. Did I mention it was Buitoni pizza? I think I did. Seashell wasn't fully in the moment. It looked like the Lisa sitchy-ation was weighing heavily on her. She said, "I think he thinks he knows everything, but I know that he doesn't know everything."

She told him that things were getting weird and the women, or some of them, are no longer amicable. She gave dire, vague warnings about someone he doesn't completely know. And she said this with a straight face: "I didn't want to bring it up today." Are you kidding?! That's all she wanted to do.

Tim looked annoyed, saying, "Who are you talking about?" Seashell remained coy, saying, "Well, Tim, you know who I'm talking about."

According to Seashell, Lisa grabbed "some guy" and made out with him while Seashell pulled her away. Then Seashell turned around for two seconds and there was Lisa making out with him again. Tim, after hearing Lisa's side the night before, looked skeptical, not alarmed. He said he doesn't like gossip or rumours but at the same time, he didn't want to avoid the truth. "I've never felt so conflicted about someone," he said. "This is really tough." But I didn't know if he was talking about Lisa or Seashell, the one spreading the gossip. It was a real she-said/she-said.

It seemed to knock his concentration because for the first time since the first episode, I noticed a string of 'aboots': "I'm aboot to make decisions aboot whose family to go and meet and instead of feeling excited aboot meeting them, I'm feeling distraught. I'm aboot to walk into a rose ceremony and I have no idea what I'm going to do."

At the ceremony, he told them he wants to go with his guy because he's looking for the one and nothing else. Kaylynn looked ready to cry. But that's just her default look. The roses went in order to:

1. Trish the Bejewelled
2. Seashell the Rat
3. April the Naive, who said, "Me?!" when he announced her name

He picked up the fourth and final rose, then placed it back down again. Not sure if he was confused because there was no host there to instruct him what to do. But he called Lisa away to for a little talk. Kaylynn looked around for a bathroom to run to. She was crying.

Tim said, "Can you just say something to me right now?" Lisa told him, "I am sick about what happened. I am absolutely crazy about you. I understand if this is it for us but I don't want this to be the end. I think we actually have something special." Then she whispered, "I'm sorry." All this was done with her hands behind her back. I couldn't tell if her fingers were crossed or not.

They walked back out and Tim picked up the last rose:

      4. Lisa the Red Flag

Kaylynn surprisingly held up pretty well. And without being told to take a moment to say her goodbyes, they did it instinctively. They're smart, those ones. April told Kaylynn, "You have a path and it's not here. Don't worry." Was that a nice thing to say? I think that was the intention, anyway.

Kaylynn gave Tim a big hug and walked away. He didn't even walk her to wherever it was she was going. She said she feels anger, sadness, and cheated. Then she brought up bullies again: "One thing he said his biggest turnoff is bullies, unnecessary meanness and that right there is Lisa. I feel broken by this."

We'll see how the Lisa situation plays out on the hometown visits next week. Er, I mean tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. We saw someone's grandma telling Tim she can see right through him. That means she could probably see the hideous tattoo on his back. Grandmas hate tattoos.

Bachelor Canada: Easy come, easy go

This is just getting ridiculouser and ridiculouser. I'm talking about my tardiness, not the show, although that, too. In my defence: Who knew the show changed days? Not I. I mean, I have it set to record on my PVR so that's no problem, but it says something about a show's success (or lack thereof) when the network just ups and moves it to another night. And says something even more when nobody notices.

To be fair, I didn't watch until Sunday night so this would have been late no matter what. Not that it matters. We haven't received a comment on here in weeks. Not sure anyone is watching. Or reading. This blog is the proverbial tree falling in the forest with no one around. Timber!

The gang was in Toronto this week, Tim's home town. In keeping with the cheap sponsorship-driven narrative, we learned right off the top from Kaylynn that they were staying at the Grand Hotel. What happened to a nice, subtle (and quick) shot of the name?

At least there were no slogans on the date cards this time (that I noticed, anyway). The first one went to April, who proclaimed, "Shut up!" When Tim arrived and took her out to his motorbike, she yelped, "Shut up!" I was hoping for an episode full of shut ups but it was not to be.

Trish didn't appreciate April's glee, saying, "What's that about? Quit being so happy." And Dominique pouted that she's "never once been alone with Tim away from the girls. Ever." I distinctly remember an R-rated kiss the two shared, presumably in private. But, yes, she had never been on a date with him. But that kiss was more intimate than anything he's done with anyone else. That's gotta count for something.

Tim drives April off through the streets of Toronto to a spot by the lake overlooking the highrises of the city. It's a spot, he tells her, where he actively chose to be happy and his life changed drastically. I think he's got a thing for April and she may be the frontrunner. This message to her spoke volumes. That being said, I'm usually wrong.

He asked April if she'd ever been in love and she revealed she had been in a 7-year relationship. But the dude betrayed her trust and it ended. She said trust is very important but more than that, she wants unconditional love. Tim is so smitten he took that for her opening up.

But there's more she hasn't told him. Is it the passing of her father that we learned about in the first episode or is there more? She's mysterious. She said she doesn't know if she can trust him. Hey, why bother? If he mistakes vague platitudes of unconditional love as baring your soul, that's all he needs to know.

At night they went to an establishment with a pool table. April tells us she learned to shoot pool with her father and by the looks of things, she's pretty damn good. But so's Tim. She suggests a wager: if she wins, she gets to drive his motorbike; if he wins, he gets a kiss. They've already kissed, and would probably do so again anyway, but it was worth it to him just so he wouldn't have to lend out his precious motorcycle.

Tim won. Barely. He said it was "the highest intensity game I've ever played." And he got his kiss. It was no Dominique-style kiss, but, as I said, his chopper was safe.

April liked it, too. "What if I say I lost on purpose?" she teased. "Ha, ha, win-win for me." He gave her a rose.

The next date was a group affair with Kaylynn, Lisa the Red, Seashell, and Trish. Dom was the odd woman out. They went to Canada's Wonderland, a big amusement park, and had the run of the place. Tim called himself an adrenaline junkie so they hit all the rides. And that was some roller coaster. It went way up there. Then he had the gals race each other in go-karts, the winner getting some one-on-one time with him.

Lisa's dad is a car guy and she was in her element. Kaylynn, on the other hand, doesn't drive and doesn't even have her license. But she does have desperation on her side. Trish took it sloooow. We saw individual clips of them all but there was no sense of the race. We heard Lisa saying Kaylynn was on her tail, but the video evidence saw her out there with no one behind her. Then we heard that at the end, with Lisa in front, Kaylynn nudged her from behind and overtaking her for the win. But then we heard that Lisa finished last. With the shots of Trish moving at the speed of a grandmother tortoise, how is that possible? More importantly, why do these details bug me so much?!

Lisa said she will never underestimate Kaylynn again.

So Kaylynn gets to hop in a stationary jalopy outside a '50s diner with the man of her dreams. The problem was the other three girls were sitting in a booth inside at the nearest window. I wonder if the producers thought that through... Of course they did!

Kaylynn mesmerized Tim with her kiss stare. Poor Tim was helpless. It worked and Lisa gagged on her food, stopping short at vomiting in her mouth as she's always threatening. (Side note: Where else can one vomit? Am I doing it wrong?)

Nobody witnessing the smooch was impressed with Kaylynn's lack of couth. You might be wondering why Tim got off scot-free but it was because he was helpless. Nobody can withstand Kaylynn's kiss stare.

Kaylynn and Tim enter the restaurant to icy stares. Tim gets uncomfortable and takes Seashell out for a walk, where she tells Tim that they all know he has connections with different girls but "it just sucks seeing it." Tim responds that he has to take any opportunity he can get to see if there's a connection.

Back inside, Lisa says she just has to ask Kaylynn if she felt what she did was appropriate. Kaylynn looks down shamefully and says "everyone knows what they signed up for." This is true. Point to Kaylynn. Then Lisa replies in agreement but suggests that if the roles were reversed and it were Lisa out in the car kissing, Kaylynn would be in the bathroom bawling her eyes out. This is true, too. Game, set and match to Lisa. Kaylynn begins to cry. Lisa tells her she's got nothing to say to her. Kaylynn gets up and goes to the bathroom to bawl her eyes out. Woah! How did Lisa do that?

Kaylynn, the eternal victim, said, "Others would have done the same thing but because it's me, I'm getting attacked. I just can't handle it." And for the umpteenth time she hints at leaving: "I'm questioning if it's worth staying." Trish thinks Kaylynn is cracking.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Somebody returning to the fold. But it doesn't matter. Nobody doing this has ever moved past that particular episode... Except Ed. Didn't Ed do that in Jillian's season? Maybe. Okay, nobody else making a return visit has ever made it past that episode.

It was no surprise to learn who it was. I called it last week, not that it was much of a call. And while they tried to build the suspense this week, we saw the black Camaro driving down the street. It was Natalie. She came back with dyed black hair, although I thought she had black hair anyway. Goes to show how observant I am. Trish thought the new hair made her look like a witch.

Natalie said she was there "to give Tim that time to get to know me." The one-on-one date she had last week wasn't enough, I guess. Lisa said, "What the hell?" And, of course, talked of vomit in her mouth again. Somebody mentioned it was "unfair" she returned. But they're thinking of this like a game, not life. If the goal is for Tim to find the woman of his dreams (and that's a mighty big 'if', I grant you), then fairness shouldn't enter into the equation.

Natalie leaves to find Tim. She knocks on his door and he looks stunned to see her. She asks if they can chat in the hall. Tim invited her in. He was gobsmacked. She was there to get one more rose ceremony, the one she walked away from. She regretted leaving in haste. She exuded the confidence she never showed last week and Tim admired that. So long, Nervous Nat; hello Nervy Nat.

Tim didn't give her an answer right away. He needed time to process. She thanks him and leaves. Then there's another knock on the door. This time it's Dominique. She told Tim she felt a connection to him but she just felt he's closer to others than he is to her so she thought it was time to go home. Okay, see ya!

It wasn't quite like that, but Tim didn't exactly try to persuade her to stay. He said later he realized he didn't make enough time for Dominique, the model-slash-receptionist. In her farewell talk to him, she told him, "There are some amazing women down there. And I just hope you get to know them. Be careful. Seriously." Bum-bum-buuum! Ominous.

She told us who she was talking about, but not Tim. He'd have to find out on his own about the "bully and evil Lisa." I have mixed feelings about Lisa because I find her attractive and funny. But there must be something more that I can't put my finger on because I've hated previous "evil" women who were beautiful. But I will admit she certainly isn't showing her best side. Canada's a small country, population-wise, and she'll eventually get around to meeting most of us. Then again, it's doubtful more than a few hundred people have seen this season.

Tim processed and informed the remaining five that Natalie will be joining them at the rose ceremony. Nasty Lisa said she hates Nat's "fake hair, fake smile, and fake essence." Nervy Nat said she's "enjoying throwing a wrench in their plans." She said she "can definitely see" Tim giving her a rose.

Lisa said something very deep that requires levels of thought mere mortals can't even reach: "If Natalie were to stay and I were to go home, I would know that I am not the girl for Tim. Straight up." It seems so obvious on the surface, doesn't it? There must be more to it than what appears to be something like, "If I got dumped, I'd know he doesn't like me," but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

At the rose ceremony, we were still left rudderless, without nominal host Tyler Harcott. He's been MIA for weeks now. I don't know how the show continues without the ladies being told there's one rose left and if they don't get one, to say their goodbyes. But somehow it does.

April had her rose. One person would be going home. The roses went in order to:

1. Trish, who hopped over to Tim and giggled with glee
2. Seashell
3. Kaylynn, who let out a big sigh
4. Lisa the Red Flag

Natalie didn't get one. You can imagine how devastated she was: "Oh, well," she said with a smile. Easy come, easy go, I suppose. She didn't cry. Said she got the closure she wanted. Then she was driven home. I guess she had to come back the next day to get her Camaro.

Next week the gals and Tim are off to Tuscany. Looks like lots of Lisa drama ahead. I'll try to remember to watch on Tuesday night. Oh, God, that's tomorrow!