Juan Pablo: 'They want to eat me'

Hello, it's been a while

Hello! It's been a while. Not much, how 'bout you? And I really do miss your smile.

Oh, if only it were Venezuela Danielo and John Ford Coley, we could really tie this thing together. (That was a '70s song reference for all you kiddies out there. Bing it.)

We are back. And it really has been a while. August? Seems like forever ago. I may have forgotten how to do this. But let's see how it goes.

Our new hero is the first minority Bachelor, according to the always reliable Wikipedia. Although doesn't an Englishman in America count as a minority? Or the Canadian? Anyway, it's Juan Pablo. You know, the guy who saw almost no screen time last season but somehow by sheer force of his sexy accent seduced the nation? Ooh-la-la… That may be the wrong expression, but whatever is Spanish for ooh-la-la.

You ever wonder how these regular people season after season can be so natural and charismatic on TV? Me, too. I mean, this guy was just a mid-level soccer pro, according to the narrative the show gives us. I’ve interviewed athletes. Trust me, very few are witty and charming and suave. Well, a little digging on the aforementioned Wikipedia tells me that JP left soccer to become a promoter in the Miami club scene and then onto the record business. He also filmed commercials and was a presenter on a TV sports show. So there’s more to the story than we get on The Bachelor. The guy's got TV chops.

All we know from watching the show is that he’s a dedicated father who quit sports because his daughter was born. You know, the way all athletes do when they become parents. It’s a much better atmosphere for a youngster when their daddy is working nights in the nightclub capital of America.

It's not easy

As we got reacquainted with JP, he tells us “being a dad is not easy” over top of footage of him in bumper cars at an amusement park and frolicking on the beach with his daughter. Not easy, indeed.

I notice despite moving back to the United States (he was born there, too), his daughter speaks almost exclusively Spanish. Not judging; just noticing.

Before JP got settled in as the Bachelor, he was paid a visit by former Bach Shirtless Sean, who was probably just relieved to get away from his sham of a relatioinship. (He mentioned he was married, which was news to me, but then again I don’t keep up on these things. I just remember his awkward appearance with Catherine at the end of last season when they could barely mask their disinterest in each other.) Sean gave him some kissing strategy (kiss lots, kiss often, and don’t get caught kissing), then he and JP danced together. Come to think of it, maybe everything the guy does just looks awkward.

Then we get some gratuitous shots of JP shaving and showering. I’ve mentioned this before, and I’ll mention it again, but how exactly does that work? He was lathering up so it looked like a real shower. But surely if he were really showering, he wouldn’t just go about his naked cleansing with a camera crew in his face as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I know he’s Latino and everything, but still. And if he’s not really showering, i.e. is wearing bathing trunks, what’s with all the soap? Conclusion: It’s fake!

Gratuitous shower scene

Now, I know that’s not earth-shattering news, but at some level it just stinks. You have to imagine the conversation going into it:

“Okay, Juan Pablo, we need some shots of you showering. Get into your bathing suit and just look like you always look in the shower and we’ll creep up on you. No hanky-panky, though.”

It’s something I really, really hate about the show, and yet it’s so insignificant. I know it’s there for the ladies so they can ogle his hunkiness, but can’t they just put him in real situations. That’s what the swimming pool is for.

Anyway, enough about my personal pet peeve. Chris Harrison greeted us outside the mansion and it looked like he was given instructions on how to use his hands more while talking. Either that or I’ve just never noticed it before.

We saw little vignettes on nine of the women we’d meet later. I liked four of them: Chelsie, who was silly, fun and outgoing (her words); Renee, the paddleboarding, rollerblading single mom from Sarasota; Nikki, the pediatric nurse; and Lauren H., the not-quite-over-it Oklahoman who was dumped recently by her fiancé.

But those vignettes mean nothing. Not even sure why they do them. Because next up is meeting all 27 (JP was so popular they had to include two more) women as they roll up in limos. Of these, I tentatively liked nine of them (√), absolutely didn’t like ten (x), and had neutral feelings about eight (–). Here they were, in order of appearance:

Amy L, a news reporter from Florida. (√)

Cassandra, a former NBA dancer from Michigan with shy, awkward pauses (√)

Christy, a 24-year-old marketing manager from Chicago (√)

Christine, a 23-year-old police support specialist from Florida, who brought a gift for JP’s daughter, a bracelet with her name on it (–)

Nikki, the 26-year-old nurse from Missouri, who let JP listen to her heart through a stethoscope to hear how nervous she was (√) (Was there a mic inside the stethoscope? How did we hear it?)

Kat, a Scottsdale dancer who can’t salsa and is very forward (–)

Chantel, a 27-year-old African-American account manager from San Diego, also very forward. (x)

Victoria, a 24-year-old legal assistant from Florida by way of Brazil (√)

Lucy, a 24-year-old barefoot free spirit from California. Yes, that was her job description: “Free Spirit”. She wore flowers in her hair, naturally. (x)

Danielle, a 25-year-old psych nurse from Missouri (√)

Then Lauren S wheeled up pushing and playing an out-of-tune piano. Not particularly well, either, but she was nervous. And pushing her instrument, which can’t be easy. She’s a 26-year-old composer. She was so nervous she forgot to say her name so after she went inside, JP followed her in to ask it. Not sure why, since he’s admittedly horrible with names. (x)

The third limo brought Chelsie, a 24-year-old science educator from Ohio. She brought test tubes and goggles but it was just gag so she could throw them away saying they should make their own chemistry. Gag, indeed. (–)

Valerie, a personal trainer who wore a long dress and boots because she’s a farm girl. She’s also handy with a crossbow, we found out in the vignettes. (–)

Elise, a 27-year-old grade one teacher from Pennsylvania who told him they have so many things in common. (x)

Ashley, another grade one teacher, only 25 and from Texas. She gave JP a gold star. (–)

Then a fake pregnant girl. Oh, the producers wanted us to think it was real, but as soon as she stepped out and they cut to commercial, I knew it was fake, as I assume everyone else did. Her name was Clare from California. In the vignette, we learned she was a hair stylist who’s part Mexican, and the youngest of six girls. Her deceased father made her a DVD meant for the man she finds. She’s never seen it. Hmm, I wonder if we’ll get to see it… (–) (Yes, of course we’ll get to see it.)

Alli, a 26-year-old nanny from Chicago, exited limo #4 wearing soccer cleats and kicking a soccer ball “looking for a teammate.” (x)

Amy J, the 31-year-old massage therapist from LA that we saw in a vignette. Kinda flakey. (x)

Renee, the 32-year-old single mom I liked from the vignettes. Still liked her after her intro. (√)

Lauren H, the 25-year-old mineral coordinator (huh?) from Oklahoma who’s still not over being dumped by her fiancé. I liked her in the vignette, not so much in the intro. (x)

Maggie, a 24-year-old personal banker (teller?) from South Carolina. With her strong southern accent, she gave JP a fishing hook because she and her family love fishing and because she wants to hook him. (x)

Kelly, a 27-year-old professional “dog lover” from Georgia. Yes, she brought her dog. That’s an automatic x in my books. (x)

The last limo introduced us to Lacy, a 25-year-old nursing home owner from California. In the vignette, we also found out she’s from a family of 13, nine of whom are special needs. She gave aspirin to JP. He ate them like they were candy. (–)

Alexis, a 24-year-old communications director from Florida. (–)

Kylie, a 23-year-old interior designer from Illinois who sounded drunk right off the limo. (x)

Sharleen, a 29-year-old opera singer from Ottawa, Canada, even though she lives in Germany. I thought she exuded class, and so did JP. More on her later. (√)

Andi, an assistant DA from Georgia. She played a power move when JP couldn’t remember her name. She said, “Your name again?” Well played. (√)

Twenty-seven women. That’s a regular weekend of dating for a guy like Juan Pablo, but they’ll stretch this out over a few months. Hey, it’s the down season in Miami.

It's all perspective

Also interesting to see Florida-heavy representation. Nineteen percent of the contestants hail from the penis of America. The producers managed to find five women in Florida who hadn’t yet dated the suave one already.

Here’s one line uttered by our man JP that you’d never hear on The Bachelorette: “I feel like a meal. They wanna eat me,” he said of all the ravenous ladies.

JP and Renee looked good together. They also each professed to love the fact that the other was a single parent. I found that funny for some reason I can’t put my finger on. What’s that even mean?: “I love that you’re a single mom/dad.”

Amy J took JP outside the mansion to her massage table. JP got the full(y clothed) treatment. All those essential oils went to waste. He also thought the whole thing was “awkward.” I loved it when she said, “I feel like you’re one of the most beautiful people and we have a lot in common.” Maybe she didn’t mean to imply a connection between the two, but that’s what I inferred.

Lauren H was struggling. She’s quite attractive when she’s not pouting, which she was doing a lot of because she wasn’t getting the time with JP that most of the others were getting. To her credit, she wasn’t blaming anyone but herself. She always thought of herself as confident and now she was finding out otherwise and she was disappointed in herself. Fittingly, Ashley, who has lots of experience in this type of behaviour as a grade one teacher, consoled the inconsolable Lauren H.

It was all for naught anyway because she soon got her solo sit-down with the man of her most recent dreams. Within a minute, she brings up her broken engagement. Not to worry, though, because “I’m so over it,” she said. Clearly.

It's over

Then it was the Canadian’s turn. JP was smitten with her elegance. He felt she separated herself from the rest of the group with her class, beauty, sophistication and brain. She, however, didn’t feel an instant chemistry. She thought if felt forced. So when he excused himself, it didn’t even clue in to her that he was going to retrieve the first impression rose for her. When he returned, she just stared dumbfounded. He asked her if she would accept it and there was a long pause. Not even a pause of excited disbelief; just a pause as in ‘what the hell am I getting myself into?’ She finally stumbled out, “Seriously?” Then after staring at the rose for what seemed like an eternity, she said, without a hint of emotion, “Sure, yes. Thank you, sir.”

That’s what she said, isn’t it? I replayed it a couple of times and it sure sounded like “sir” to us. She told the producers she was “incredibly flattered” but said it’s too early to say if she feels anything. I think I hear the fat lady singing on this relationship.

So Sharleen was automatically in. JP would hand out 17 more roses, letting nine go home early. The roses went out in order to the following (with my original √, x, or – in parentheses)

1. Not pregnant Clare (–)
2. Nikki the Nurse (√)
3. Renee the Mom (√)
4. Andi the DA (√)
5. Alli the soccer-playing nanny (x)
6. Chantel the African-American (x)
7. Lauren S the piano-pushing composer (x)
8. Kelly and her dog (x)
9. Cassandra the NBA dancer (√)
10. Danielle the psych nurse (√)
11. Chelsie with the test tubes (–)
12. Kat the dancer (–) *a funny moment occurred when Kylie thought she heard her name being called and walked toward JP, who looked terrified
13. Victoria the Brazillian (√)
14. Christy the, uh, marketing manager (√)
15. Lucy the drifter (x)
16. Elise, one of the grade one teachers (x)
17. Amy L the news reporter (√)

Who did that leave out? Well, obviously drunken Kylie (x) (I don’t believe she was drunk at all; her voice just sounded a little rough). She expected to be there for a long time, she said crying. Lauren H (x), the attractive but broken woman. She said, crying, that she’s sick and tired of people feeling sorry for her. I think it was best she lost now before she got too far into it. I also think time heals all wounds and she’ll be okay soon. Chin up, Lauren H! Amy J (x), the masseuse, was also a goner. That’s who we saw. I need to do forensics to figure out the others. Hang on one second. I’ll be right back…

Okay, got it. Christine (–), who thoughtfully gave JP a bracelet for his daughter, got the boot. So did Valerie (–), the crossbow shootin’ farmer and personal trainer. Bye-bye also goes to Ashley (–), who presented JP with a gold star, Maggie (x), the southern banker who gave him a fishing hook, Lacy (–), the nursing home owner who fed JP pills, Alexis (–) from Florida.

Hey, big ups to JP for getting all those names right. He said he's horrible with names, and who can blame him meeting 27 new people in one night. I wonder what his process was. I think he must have been followed around by an assistant as he nodded surreptitiously and they jotted down the corresponding name.

And there you have it. Looks like some good drama in coming weeks. Anyone have any idea who it was sitting on the floor sobbing that they’d like to see JP dead? No one seems that mentally unstable. But it’s early yet. Stay tuned.

Bachelorette Desiree: That settles it

Finally

Here we are, at the finish line. Whoops, wrong metaphor for what happened. Let's try that again:

Here we are, at the end of the poem. Thank God. What a train wreck. Des's bro, Nate Dawgg, may be crazy, but he's crazy like a fox. What was the one bit of advice he gave Des after giving his blessing of Chris? He told her not to settle. And she agreed, repeating the words to him.

And what did she then do? She settled. There's no other way around it, as great a guy as Chris is. Her spin – that her heartbreak over Brooks made her realize what was standing in front of her the whole time – was plausible but not realistic. Chris Harrison kept trying to get to the bottom of it by asking if it was a rebound relationship (which it clearly is), but no one would give him a straight answer. But when you're in the middle of the hurricane, it's hard to know what's happening and that soon you're going to be in shambles.

This shocking conclusion started with a rose ceremony. Actually it started with Chris Harrison sitting down with Desiree and performing a mind meld on her so she would continue with the show and not leave. At this point, she was still devastated and crying at the mere mention of Brooks' name. She even said, "I just want to go home, to be honest."

So there we have it. She wanted to go home. Honestly. Then she said, "I'm still not broken. My heart might be, but my spirit isn't." Okay, so she's smart enough to realize that life goes on and she'll eventually be okay. How is this translated in Harrison's head? He says: "What I'm hearing from you is you want to carry on." Say wha–?? Des stares at him and gives an almost imperceptible nod. You could almost hear her saying, "No, what? That's not what I'm saying. I just said I want to go home. Are you insane?" But the captor's will won out.

And then came the useless rose ceremony. Two roses for the two remaining men, Chris and Drew. Oh, the tension was palpable!

Des came out and explained to the two about Brooks' absence, crying all the way through. Did it give them pause seeing how close she was to the other guy? Nah, they're still in the competition, baby! Besides, she lied to them, giving them hope. She said from day one she had taken every relationship individually. She neglected to mention that every date she went on with them she wished it was with Brooks. Details, details.

Bawling, she told them to please let her know when she offers them the rose if they're not feeling it. It matters not that she wasn't feeling it herself. That's beside the point. Who's side are you on, anyway?

In the studio audience, Harrison interviewed various women about their hopes and dreams for Des. Some were for Chris, some for Drew, and some still for Brooks. Wow, riveting stuff. It was like living, breathing Tweets.

You know the show has taken over when the idea that Brooks would return sounded like a reasonable option. The guy said he wasn't in love with Des and that when he's away from her, the feelings only lessen. What was he going to say, "After leaving you, and my feelings lessened again, I realized that while I still don't see a long-term future, I know that this is how the show works. Now send me on my way again to prove you're over me."

Des still had two dates to help her reach her decision. She and Drew would ride horses down to the beach and then set the horses free. Drew tells Des he's been "very relaxed" on this trip to Antigua. She inquires if he's been to the beach or gone out to see the sights. Nope, "Just hanging out in my room," he says. Probably re-imagining his fantasy suite night.

"To Brooks!"

Drew, who said he was ready to propose, told us, "I'll never leave Des and it's important that she knows that." So they're sitting at the beach and, as per series rules, Drew gives a toast. "To being madly in love," he says. Uh, "I really need to talk to you," Des interrupts. And then to rub salt in the fresh wound, she adds, "Especially after that."

That should have been it. That one sentence suffices, doesn't it? There's nothing anything needs to be said beyond, "We need to talk." He should have packed up his belongings right then: "Got it. Nuff said. See ya."

But he stuck around to hear that Des has been so lucky to have him in her life, that she just doesn't see a future with him, and that she "was hoping I could be the one that could love you the way you need to be loved." Sound familiar? She was channelling Brooks! Paying it forward, if you will.

She even did the multiple apology tack. Drew, who was shocked, kept his head: "You don't have to be sorry for not being in love with me; you can't control that," he said. But it was hard on the guy. I'm just afraid that maybe Des has turned him off all women.

Then he got up, looked around for his horse, realize he had set it free, then trudged down the beach and up a path to a waiting car, that somehow knew to be there even though Des didn't know she'd dump him.

The original Round Mound
of Rebound

The next date was with Chris. Would she send him home, too? You could tell immediately she wouldn't. Her sullenness turned into perk when she saw him approaching. They even kissed. Lots. They went on a catamaran and kissed some more. There were "undeniable sparks that keep you wanting more and that's what I wanted with Chris." So she didn't feel them before with him? Classic round mound of rebound.

Chris, trying to buy his love, brought her a gift. A journal. Just what she needs. Only this time the poems in it weren't written in invisible ink. At the end of the book he wrote out all his poems for her. That was considerate. They're easier to rip out that way.

Des felt guilty: "How could I not have loved him from the beginning?" she asked. Um, because you were so much in love with someone else that nobody else mattered. Did you forget? Here's a little poem an athlete like Chris has probably heard before:

R-E

R-E-B

R-E-B-O-U-N-D

Rebound!

Then it was Des' turn to toast: "To the greatest man I have ever known, not to mention loyal friend." I thought that was the death knell of their relationship (loyal friend), but that's the beauty of a rebound: it doesn't differentiate. Any dude'll do.

Back at the studio, Harrison introduced us to Sean and Catherine. Remember them? Boy, they looked happy and in love, didn't they? (I'm being facetious. I thought they looked like they were contractually obligated to be there. Catherine, who looked really uncomfortable, couldn't even respond when Harrison asked her if she was still in love.)

Pretty, but useless, penny

Then Jackie, Lesley and Lindsay chipped in with their two cents worth. Canada has done away with pennies. America should, too. Now I know why. Two cents is useless.

Back to Antigua. Chris was going to meet Des' family. More importantly, Chris was going to meet Nate Dawgg, Des' unpredictable brother. I was just impressed the guy is allowed to travel internationally.

Nate was doing all the probing, while mom and dad sat quietly praying he wouldn't embarrass the family. And he didn't! Prayers answered! Chris answered a bit stiffly but he was understandably nervous. Nate even asked about "the other guy," Drew. Do you think he was just dutifully playing along so as not to tip Chris off he was the only one left, or did they keep the information away from the family so they couldn't let anything slip out accidentally?

Chris asked for, and received, Des' dad's blessings for his daughter's hand, should it come to that. He should have asked Nate. But sitting with Des, Nate gave his blessing, saying, "If you choose him, I think you're definitely making the right choice." And after that, Des stopped listening.

She had to have stopped, because Nate switched the conversation over to Brooks. It was all Des could do to keep from crying. Nate was rehashing everything and Des was on auto-pilot agreeing with everything. Then Nate said, "You realize you couldn't change him." She stopped. "I... I don't know," she mumbled. Yeah, she's over him.

Chris visited the jewelry travelling salesman and picked out a ring. A ring that would symbolize him caring and providing for her – yes, the ring that was bought and paid for by someone else.

Talking to the camera, Des was crying ostensibly about how much Chris loves her, but probably still about Brooks. (Rebound!)

All that was left was the final rose. What would she do? More importantly, what would Chris do after he learned the truth of what really went down with Brooks?

The ups and downs

Ah, who are we kidding? He wouldn't find out the truth. He arrives and starts reminiscing about their time in Germany, Madeira, and all the horrible poetry he had written. Then the roller coaster begins. Then he starts to go down on one knee and she stops him. (Oh, no!) "You're the only one here," she tells him. (Yes!) "But I was torn apart by Brooks leaving. I loved him." (Oh, no!) "But really I was torn between the two of you the whole time." (Yes!) "I was so blindsided by him leaving..." (Oh, no!) "... that I couldn't see what I had right in front of me." (Yes!) "I love you. I love you so much and I want nothing but to spend the rest of my life with you." (Yes, yes yes!)

Do we buy that? She was torn between the two of them the whole time? That's a different tune than she was singing last week, isn't it? You can certainly understand why he felt he could still stick around after that. Although it's not so easy to see why it lasted once he saw last week's episode. Maybe she called and kept distracting him through all key parts.

He finally got down on one knee. It would have been a classic time for a call-back to his original joke where he pretended to tie his shoelace. But there was no time for jokes. There was a proposal to make. "I want to be your first; I want to be your last. Will you marry me," he said. "Yes, a thousand times!" Des boxed out and pulled down that rebound. Settled.

At the altar, she told him she loved him. Finally. "I was waiting for that," Chris laughed. "Truthfully, it never entered my mind before now," she didn't respond.

At the After the Final Rose she came out smiling. See, I told you she was fine. Harrison marvelled about Chris, "He got stronger as you told him about Brooks." Well, sure, because she didn't really tell him the full story.

Brooks came out and to his credit, he stuck to his guns in a most respectful way. He didn't say he made a mistake. He even sat far apart from her. He didn't watch the final but when told Des and Chris got engaged, you could see the relief on his face. He claims he noticed their bond from the beginning.

Drew came out. Hang on, I mean he walked out and sat down with Des and Harrison. He was a lot more confident than he was all season. And he looked much younger. He had a bunch of unanswerable questions for Des, such as could he have done anything different (yes, he could have been Brooks), when did she know she saw no future for them (when it turned out he wasn't Brooks), was he always a little behind Chris and Brooks (no, a lot behind), and did she notice herself holding back with him (only when her eyes were open and she could see he wasn't Brooks).

But Drew spoke so well and looked so handsome I briefly thought he might be named the next Bachelor. But when Harrison announced the next Bachelor was "handsome, charismatic and funny," I knew it couldn't be him, as Drew only fulfills one of those criteria.

When the lucky man, Chris, was introduced, he wrapped his arm around his fiancée. She, though, pulled herself slightly away from him. Did anyone else notice that or was that just me? She was leaning in the opposite direction.

Harrison asked if he could trust the love given her feelings for Brooks. Yes, Chris responded, avoiding the topic. He talked about his connection with her after the group dodgeball date. No, said Harrison. He  rephrased the question, stressing he meant could he trust the love after learning about the Brooks situation. Yes, Chris responded, saying Des told him some "pretty great words" like "I'm the greatest man." By this point, Harrison was too exhausted (or too polite) to point out that those words were spoken before she spilled the beans about Brooks.

So anyway, I predicted to my wife that they would be engaged in record time, because that's the nature of rebound relationships. And as if on cue, they announce that she's moving from her beloved California to Seattle this weekend and they've got a new place together. 

Fallen petals

Then Chris brought out a gift. Just when I thought we could finally get through a Chris segment without a poem, he pulls out a frame with an original work outlined by petals from the roses he was given throughout the process. The poem is called My Girl and it goes something like this:

I found the woman of my dreams

Sorry, that's all I could stomach. I really tried to focus but I just couldn't.

The last bit of business was the announcement of the new Bachelor. I thought they should bring out five of the possibilities, talk to them about why they'd make a good Bachelor, make them sweat a little, and then announce it. Hey, we'd all watch a half-hour on that, wouldn't we? Why haven't they thought of this before? They could have pre-recorded segments with each of them, and of course they'd all have to sign contracts ahead of time in the event they're the one chosen. Come on, producers, do I have to do all the work for you?

Oh, so who will it be? None other than the phantom Juan Pablo. Handsome, charismatic and funny is right. This guy has more personality than any Bachelor since the fat guy. Did you catch the Tweet from Emily Maynard?: "All my prayers have been answered." Maybe she'll pull a Kacie B. and come back on the show.

The big question, though, is will Juan Pablo be edited out of his season the way he was on Des' season? We won't find out until January. My Mondays have just opened up! God forbid they bring back Bachelor Pad. We'll talk to you again in January. Thanks for sticking around.

Meanwhile, speaking of Kacie B., indulge me one more time...

Now I can go relax.

Photo credits:

Photo credit: ....Tim / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Photo credit: Erik Anestad / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Photo credit: Army Medicine / Foter / CC BY

Photo credit: JD Hancock / Foter / CC BY

Photo credit: Scallop Holden / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

Photo credit: yamaken / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

Bachelorette Desiree: It just sucks

Caught unawares

Poor Desiree! Did anyone see that coming? Sure, anyone who's watched the show so far this season saw it coming because they kept telling us exactly that. But I mean did anyone else see it? I'm sure sheep herders in Romania didn't. I rest my case.

As I mentioned last time, we know Desiree is fine now. We know that because we saw her on The Men Tell All episode last week, which was recorded after the season ended. And she was her usual cute, giddy self.

In retrospect, her harsh words to some of the men last week ring a little hollow this week knowing that she's been stringing them all on as much as any single one of them was stringing her on. But let's get to that in order.

The episode this week took place in the Caribbean isle of Antigua. I learned something this week. I learned Antigua is not pronounced Antig-wa; rather it's Ant-ee-ga. There you go. This program is educational, I keep telling people, let alone "the television event of the summer."

Early in, we hear an as-yet-to-heartbroken Desiree exclaim, "I can't believe this fairy tale is happening to me!" The fairy tale quickly turned into an Aesop's Fable, with the moral, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'

She also enthused that 25 guys showed up "just for the chance to meet" her. Yeah, something like that. There might have been other reasons (15 minutes of fame, publicity, see the world) but we'll go with her pared-down version.

Before the dates, we got to hear Des' full-on love for the man called Brooks, which simply never happens on this show. If love is expressed, it's always edited out. But here she was saying Brooks was set apart from the other guys. She told him she loves him (or so she thought, in so many words) even though he was the only dude not to express his love for her. Didn't phase her one bit. "It feels great to fall in love and find the man of my dreams," she said.

But the first sacrificial lamb was Drew, who says he's fallen even more in love with Des. He's finally found "the one"; his "soul mate." The man can simply not stop kissing her, even in the pouring rain. So forget the outdoor dinner, they've got a fantasy suite card to get to.

Again, knowing what she thought of everyone else other than Brooks, are you at all surprised she took the fantasy suite with them? Drew talked about the chance to get physical and intimate, code words for "playing doctor". If she was sure Brooks was the only boy for her, do you think she let the other guys down gently behind closed doors? If so, Drew was probably secretly relieved.

He was ecstatic about the possibility of waking up next to her. "I haven't had a good morning yet, only good nights," he said. Soon he'll get a "Good day, sir," I'm sure.

Des told Drew about her ex-boyfriend, whose big problem was expressing feelings. Or, in Des' words: "He would think those things but he couldn't... like... communicate." Ah, yes. It's difficult, isn't it?

Also funny given that the guy she fell for (Brooks) was the one guy who didn't express any feelings towards her at all. Maybe he reminded her of her ex.

Drew went all-in, even before the overnight date. He said he could get down on one knee right that very moment – even without a ring – and propose. In fact, he'd known this for a few weeks. What must she have been thinking?! And he followed it up with this nugget to us: "My mind is made up: I'm going to marry this woman." Ah, pure gold!

I wonder if he learned the full extent of her true feelings toward him (and anyone not named Brooks) on Monday along with the rest of us? There really needs to be a separate show of contestants watching what we're watching. Or just put their faces in a corner of the screen as they're watching live at home. It wouldn't be any more distracting than the damn Tweets.

Before we got to Chris, there was an unexpected stopover in Boise, Idaho, where Brooks needed to go to talk to him mom and sister in person. He told them the idea of proposing makes him "really uncomfortable." He loves kissing her and "the physicality is there," but he's not prepared to propose. Not sure what advice he was looking for: "Brooks, you marry that sweet young thing or go straight to your room!"

Which brings me to the age-old question: Why isn't the status quo good enough? I bet if Des were given the choice of continuing on with Brooks as boyfriend-girlfriend but without an engagement ring, she'd go along with it. Maybe he'd grow closer to her and they'd eventually get married. Maybe they'd split up. I'd say the odds are no worse than if they did it on camera. Probably even better.

Brooks' mom and sis agreed that he shouldn't propose if that's how he was feeling. Brooks concluded that a hard conversation now is better than a horrible one later. Putting it like that, sure. A no-brainer. But maybe the conversation he ended up having was the horrible one. If he waited it out, they could have grown sick of each other naturally and it wouldn't be as hard down the road. But either way, Neal Sedaka was right.

Next up was Chris. When a helicopter came to pick them up it made me realize we saw precious few choppers this season. Not only that, but there weren't many (any?) death-defying stunts, either.

Things were going well with Chris, despite his fear of heights and his first helicopter ride. They talked about a future together. Chris asked Des how she would feel about living in Seattle. She said she was open to the idea. Not a ringing endorsement, but it's pretty much moot at this point anyway.

He accepted the fantasy suite invitation but wanted to "keep it simple" i.e. missionary position only. And just when I thought we could get through a Chris segment unversed, he pulls out another "poem." I tried to pay attention this time, I really did. I even considered transcribing the thing to see if I could make any better sense of it reading, but couldn't be bothered. With this "poem," I really got the sense Chris just wrote down his thoughts in sentences, then divided them up so it kinda looked poetic. Because it sure didn't sound poetic.

As he finished his love offering, a sappy singer-songwriter crescendoed. For a second, I thought it was Zak getting one last audition in.

Brooks had a sit-down with host Chris Harrison, to further the illusion that the host is something more than a cue card reader. Brooks told him his head says 'yes' but his heart says 'no.' He concluded that Des is not the love of his life. He's not afraid to commit or anything – he really wishes it were Des. Must be true because everyone with a fear of commitment readily admits it when confronted with the facts.

He realized that his break-up was going to bring tears and heartache. "And I'm the cause for a lot of that," he added in complete sincerity. He sure knows how to read that woman, doesn't he?

Meanwhile, the producers made sure they didn't tip Des off. They needed her gushing words about the love of her life before he got there to ruin the fun. She said, "I'm in love with Brooks and I miss him every day when I'm not with him... It feels good because I haven't been in love for quite a while... If Brooks got on one knee and proposed, I would definitely say yes." Oh, look behind you, Des, there's the man of your dreams bounding down the path towards you. Yippee!

She was positively giddy as she watched him approach. He nipped that in the bud. His look foretold ominous words. Des picked up on it in the exact same way she didn't pick up on him not expressing any love for her for the past nine weeks. "Talk to me," she said, worried. "I'm trying," he struggled.

Remember two paragraphs ago when she was saying how she misses him every day she's not with him? Well, turns out it's unrequited. Brooks has the opposite feelings. He loves being with her but during those days when he doesn't see her, he loses it. Nada.

"I really want to be madly in love with you," he told her as she broke down in tears. How does that work in the real world? If you're not madly in love with someone, why on earth would you want to be?

Sums it up

They should have flown Greg Behrendt in to tell Des, "He's just not that into you." Simple as that. Nothing personal. You're a great gal. You know, take all those talks with every single guy you've let go this season, change the masculine nouns to feminine, and apply to this situation.

"Why now?" Desiree wanted to know. "Because I didn't know before this," Brooks lied. Had he been given truth serum, he would have said, "Because I needed Antigua for my frequent flyer points."

When she asked, "You don't see it lasting?" Brooks blundered: "I don't feel it." That probably made it worse, dude. It was at this point Des dropped her head in her knees and sobbed inconsolably. (Remember, folks, she's fine! Keep reminding yourself that. It'll get you through next week, too.)

Then Des finally lays her cards on the table: "I love you," she told him. Brooks was flabbergasted. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?!" Not sure what difference it would have made, but Des replied, "I can't." Brooks rightfully told her that she can say anything she wants, although I'm sure he got a stern talking-to from the producers for suggesting such a thing. Des reminded him that she told him she was running and later was at the finish line. The poetic Chris would have picked up on those metaphors right away, but apparently it went right over Brooks' head.

"For once in my life I was so hopeful," she said, giving a kick in the groin to Sean. And then she began her medley of "sucks." Not sure how many times she said "It sucks" but too many to go back and count.

"It just sucks that I loved you... I do love you. Regardless. I do. I don't care that you just broke my heart, I love you." And you could literally see gray hairs popping out of the 28-year-old Brooks' head. At this rate, he's going to look like Steve Martin by the time he's 30.

They take their final walk in a light wind. I could have used some more subtitles, but really the picture told the whole story anyway. There would be no fantasy suite. As they started walking, she instinctively went to put her arm around him then quickly pulled it away.

"I wanted you to meet my family," she cried. And then the words that tell us there will be no winner next week (and if there is, it's probably over by now): "You know why I was conflicted throughout this whole thing? Because I didn't want to share my heart; I wanted to give it to you... When I was going on dates, I wanted to go on dates with you." Do you see now why I say we need to see Chris and Drew in a box on screen in real time watching what we're watching?

Also, what does it say about the show that she has to go through the motions when she knows who she wants?

Brooks kept apologizing. "I heard you," Des said. "Just stop saying it." She walked out and sat at the end of the pier alone with her tears. Brooks kept looking back, beside himself: "This is way worse than I thought it was going to be," he said. He's pretty clueless, now that I think about it. But I try not to think about it.

It looked for a moment like he might change his mind. But how could he after what he's said? To his credit, he stuck with his plan. He told us he misses those moments they had together already. And then added, "I was hoping she would be in love with Drew or Chris."

As for Des, she said it throws everything off having Brooks gone and said she just can't love the others as much. "Honestly for me it's over," she said.

We'll see about that. What will next week bring? I can't see it ending with a proposal, that's for damn sure. I think she should break up with both Drew and Chris and then sign on with the show to be the perennial Bachelorette.