Bachelor Canada: The lowest of the highs

I've been late with this thing before but never this late, I don't think. I had to go out on Thursday night when the show aired but I figured it wasn't a big deal. Bachelor Canada is only an hour long. I could get home, watch it on PVR, and get the blog up fairly early the next day. At least my intentions were good. Too bad my memory isn't. It wasn't until last night that I suddenly remembered I hadn't watched the show yet. I submit it's not a particularly good sign when you almost completely forget about a show.

But I was able to watch it in its entirety this morning. Here are my notes.

It was another Tyler Harcott-free episode. Maybe they couldn't afford to fly him and his skinny pants all the way to Mexico.

We started the episode with a dozen ladies and were told two would be going home at the end of their five-day stay in Los Cabos (condensed down to the 44 minutes or whatever the hour-long show is minus the commercials). But Tim plays by his own rules, as we'll find out later.

The one-on-one date went to Lisa the Red, described as "edgy" and "sassy" by the others. Tim said there was "an amazing coolness to her."

They went to a canyon where a hut was sitting on (or hanging from) cables across the abyss. Lisa thought they'd be bungee jumping, which she was totally cool with. But it was actually a 100-foot fall followed by a "death swing." She was less cool with that but to me it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I don't see a big difference between a bungee jump and a death swing.

Tim likes Lisa the Red because of her confidence. He said, "You don't care if someone doesn't like you because you like who you are." Yeah, that's always a good sign on these shows. Pick the girl who doesn't mind not getting along with others. Always a recipe for success.

He gave her the rose. "I really like this girl. But I don't know, I wonder if there's another layer there, something that gets peeled away and she just gives her all to you," he said. Nah, probably not. Usually people are 100 percent exactly like they are on a first date. And make that 200 percent when a camera crew is involved. So what you see is what you get, Timmy.

But she did reveal some wacky ink work. She has tattoos located on the underside of her upper arm, like her armpits are leaking.

Back at the hotel, Kaylynn was regretting her cocktail party meltdown. She tried to talk to Martha about it, since she directed her accusations at the Mexican last week. Martha wasn't really as understanding as Kaylynn had hoped. "Martha's making me feel segregated. It just takes me back to my childhood and being picked on," she said. She sure gets picked on a lot. I don't want to be victim-blaming but it makes me wonder why she's always on the victim side of things.

She cried (again) saying last week was so embarrassing. Then she said, "I've never had that kind of emotional break before." At first, I didn't believe her. Then I just figured she has so many emotional breaks (she's had one every single episode so far) that she actually classifies them very specifically so she was telling the truth – last week's emotional break was different than all the others.

A four-on-one group date included Mexican Martha, Seashell, Jenny the fake Brit, and April Burlesque. They watched a Mexican dance then were informed that they'd be learning how to do it themselves and performing it in the streets. And one of the four would get a dinner out with Tim.

Martha thought she had the advantage because of her Mexican heritage. Seashell was anxious because she thought she sucked. Jenny's dancing is limited to the sprinkler. And despite being a burlesque performer, April can't really dance.

But they look fantastic. Not their moves; their traditional Mexican costumes. They get out there and a crowd gathers. They do their thing. It wasn't good but at the same time, there's not much movement involved so they can't screw up too badly. I'm sure the crowd was tipped off that these were rank amateurs because they got a nice round of ironic applause.

Seashell got the dinner date because, according to Tim anyway, she was most out of her element but had fun with it. In reality, it's because he was going to take her no matter what. He just had to come up with a reason for the others.

There was a range of discontentedness amongst the others. Jenny was "bummed," while April Burlesque was "bummed."

Tim called Seashell a "sweet, girl-next-door type." They talked about past relationships. She revealed she's had two long-term relationships. The first one cheated on her, while the second one cheated on her. Then she asked Tim if he'd even been cheated on. I thought the more pointed question would have been if he's ever cheated on anyone. Anyway, turns out he has been cheated on, too.

They shared a long, slo-mo kiss at the dinner table then rested their chins on each others' shoulders.

The next date card was for Prim & Proper Natalie, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, April Beauty, someone I didn't catch, Miss Trish the pageant queen, and Christine. It wasn't until the rose ceremony that I figured out the one I didn't catch. It was Dominique who I don't think has said a word in three episodes. I forgot all about her.

Their date was to be a beach volleyball game. Finally! That's something they couldn't do in rainy and cold Vancouver.

If you're keeping track at home, that left weepy Kaylynn as the only one of the twelve without any Tim-time. She had been hoping she'd get to go on a date to show him she's not really like she was at the last ceremony. Even though she's exactly like that.

Being shut out of the dates, she went from "the highest high to the lowest low in a matter of days." Not sure of her definition of "highest high" is because we haven't seen it. But I get the impression she goes from high highs to low lows several times through the course of a single day.

She went off to Tim's room to talk. Tim has tons of patience. In the understatement of the season, he told her he knows she's an emotional person. She took full responsibility for last week's meltdown, which impressed Tim no end. It also got him thinking. He suddenly realized how rushed everything is. He was stricken with a sense of urgency. So he made a decision that he thinks will get him more time with the women, but one that might not make everyone happy. He thinks it's the right thing to do.

The chosen six were decked out in their beach volleyball bikinis when Tim arrived to break the news that he doesn't think watching anyone play beach volleyball will help him decide anything. He's now seen them in their very revealing beach volleyball bikinis and his decision has been made. He cancels the date and tells them he's just going to hang out with everyone all day.

April Beauty said, "Now it's a frickin' 12-on-1." She said it's hard for her to step on toes and fight for his attention. "It just sucks." But she clearly devised a plan to get his attention. She'd sulk.

Trish said it was "totally not fair." She was annoyed. "It's not how I want to spend my day."

But Prim & Proper Natalie would make the best of it. She said, in perfect diction, "I know that I'm into him because of these feelings I'm getting inside." That doesn't read as funny as it sounded coming out of her mouth.

Her goal was to impress upon Tim that she wasn't as proper as she appears to be. She wanted him to know that she drives a Camaro. "I think it's kind of bad-ass. I like it," she said. She has an adventurous side. "Don't judge a book by its cover," she told him.

Lisa the Red thinks Natalie is insecure. "There's a lot of issues going on with that girl," she said. "I can see it."

The sulking April Beauty put her plan in motion, running away from the group to go stand by the water, reflecting on her situation (but really waiting for Tim). She didn't have to wait long. Tim dusted off his David Hasselhoff impersonation and ran after her.

She said she wanted to collect her thoughts and hadn't done that yet and didn't want him there at that time. That's a good one!

Lisa the Red didn't empathize: "These girls' initial reaction is to cry when something's not going their way," she said. "I just don't get it." This girl is tough. She probably didn't even cry when she was getting her armpit tattoos.

April Beauty told Tim at the water that she just wanted to have fun and get tipsy and swim in the ocean. So Tim picked her up and headed into the water. Beauty said, "I feel like he's a Greek god and if I look I turn to stone." Not sure that's a compliment as Medusa was a Greek monster with a hideous female face that turned onlookers into stone. But I'm sure the sentiment was more positive than that.

Trish said she'd have rather played volleyball than watch Tim frolic in the ocean with April. When Tim stopped frolicking, he was hit with "incredible tension." Time for a new idea. Sure, since his last one was such a winner. "This is not how I wanted this date to go," he said. "It's obvious that what I'm doing isn't working. I need to make some drastic changes if I want that to turn around."

His brainstorm was to send an extra two bodies home, for a total of four. Trisha bawled at the news. But Tim said he needs to focus on women he has the strongest connection with.

We didn't get to see the cocktail party for their last-ditch efforts to stick around so we cut right to the rose ceremony. Remember, Lisa the Red already possessed a flower, leaving seven more to hand out. They went in order to:

1. Kaylynn. I'm not even joking about that! No doubt she was back to her highest high.
2. Trish, the bawler. Um, okay.
3. Seashell
4. April the Beautiful Sulker
5. Prim & Proper Natalie
6. Dominique. This is when I went, "What?" Had no idea she was still on the show.
7. The Foul-Mouthed Five-Foot Philosopher Rileigh.

In other words, all (or mostly) the white ones left. Kaylynn being the lone exception (I think). That meant all (or mostly) the non-white ones were going home: Mexican Martha, April Burlesque, Fake Brit Jenny, and Christine. April being the lone exception. 1-2-3 Bam!

That's it. The final eight and Tim will be off to the Bahamas next week. I wonder if Tyler Harcott will get to go, too.

Oh, and hey, follow me on Twitter already, would ya? @BachelorBlogger

Bachelor Canada: The Whirlwind

I can't believe I'm two days late with this one. Just because the episode was only one hour. Take away all the commercials I fast-forwarded through and it was probably more like 44 minutes. It all seems so much more pointless than it already is at such a length but I've gotta say I'm liking it. So much less of a commitment. Just like there's so much less of a commitment between the various couples (except for Kaylynn, who fell madly in love when she stepped out of the limo).

Every season, whether it's The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, or Bachelor Canada, has some enduring word or phrase that pops up over and over again, from DeAnna's "hort" to Ali's "impor'ant" to Andi's "y'all". I thought Tim's thing was going to be "aboot" but that's moved to the background now. I do believe his thing is the automatic giggle. I tried to count the number of times his machine-gun laugh popped up but I couldn't keep up.

The first date card went to Kaylynn the ballerina. She was so excited, she was shaking. And that's even before she saw the helicopter. She's terrified of heights, you see. But she got on the thing like a trooper. I don't mean in a military sense. Like a regular trooper who goes with the flow.

They took a scenic view of Vancouver, flying over Lion's Gate Bridge and Stanley Park before making their way to Grouse Mountain. I thought Tim should have chosen one of the women not from the city but I guess even a local can appreciate the sights.

I was recently on Grouse Mountain. My son and I watched a helicopter taking off. So there is a landing pad there. So it was curious when Tim and Kaylynn had to take the gondola up the mountain. Especially since there's no landing pad on the bottom of the mountain. Ah, television. What tricks you play!

First question we heard Tim ask the Ballerina was, "Do you cook at all?" Good to get your priorities out of the way, buddy. Kaylynn is no Julia Childs but she can follow a recipe. I'd hate to be around if the recipe didn't turn out. Can you imagine the meltdown she'd have?

She told Tim she was raised "over the phone" by her parents, since they sent her off to a boarding school. It wasn't easy for her and she may have felt bullied. I'm not clear on that but that was the impression Tim gave later on, which we'll get to. What he gave at this moment was a rose. To her. He felt very comfortable with her.

And after this first date, Kaylynn downplayed it, saying it was "the most unbelievable connection I've had in my life!" Actually, that doesn't surprise me since she spent most of her life in a boarding school.

Before the first set of commercials we got the second date card. Told you this episode just flew by. This was a group date with ten lucky ladies. Prim & Proper Miss Natalie and the Cougar were not in the group and they were getting worried.

The group went to False Creek in downtown Vancouver. And this is where Vancouver showed its Vancouveredness: it was pouring rain. Seriously, producers, what were you thinking? One reason people watch this franchise is for babes in bikinis and you're filming in the winter? For four months of the year, it's nothing but blue skies and hot weather, yet you want to subject these delicate flowers to the elements? And deprive us of scenery?

They divided the women into two teams and they had a dragonboat race. In the pouring rain. I guess it was good for the requisite "I'm wet" comments. The team of April Burlesque, Jenny, Mexican Martha, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, and Pageant Trisha beat the team of Alison, Dominique, Lisa the Red, Dr. Renee, and Seashell. Quite handily, too.

The losers went back to the mansion while the winners got more time with Tim.

But first we got the third date card of the show – 15 minutes into the episode! It was another date card, this time for Christine, Proper Miss Natalie, Cougar Sonia, and April Beauty. And Kaylynn (of the only one-on-one date fame) called it her "worst nightmare – all this time to sit back and watch fourteen other women go on a date with him." Boo-hoo.

Meanwhile, the dragonboat winners went with Tim to the Sun Yat-Sen Gardens. They wore traditional Chinese garments. April Burlesque told Tim her stage name is Suicide Stacy. I guess guys find suicide sexy. Tim found her "very, very interesting." But he wondered if she was like that all the time.

Outside the room, the others were wondering if Tim was like that all the time, too. Or at least the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher was. They heard his rat-a-tat laugh and Rileigh thought he might be "putting on Show Tim." She wanted him to "cut the shit and connect." You know, usually on the American show, they'll say something like that but bleep it out, and if I can tell what they were saying, I'll just write it without the bleep. On this show, they don't bleep "shit." And Rileigh took full advantage. She said it several times. And "what the fuck?" which they did bleep.

But Rileigh wasn't talking behind Tim's back. When she got some alone-time with him, she said the exact same thing. She said she "can't stop being analytical." Tim told her it wasn't always useful and she should just shut it off. That made her think. "You're appealing to my smart side," she said. I tend to think brains are like beauty and sense of humour: if you have to say you're smart (good-looking, funny, etc.), you're probably not.

He gave the rose, though, to Pageant Trisha for reasons only known to Tim.

For the four-on-one date, Tim arrived at the mansion bright and early to surprise everyone. They were all milling about in the kitchen in their PJs. Sonia was probably not appreciating that, although there was no evidence. I'm just thinking any twentysomething can roll out of bed and look no worse for wear. But once you get up over 40, life begins to show a bit. Again, there was no evidence of that with Sonia. It's just an educated guess. And perhaps it was a reason Tim felt no chemistry with her.

The four would do a photoshoot for Flair magazine. Sonia, a lingerie model, should have been in her element here. Tim said she was "particularly interesting to me." He also described her as "more mature" than the others. And he didn't mean the others were running around shooting spitballs at each other.

He described the shoot with Christine as "terrible." But he still liked it. I thought it was terrible because it showed his godawful shoulder tattoo.

He nailed Natalie. No, not in that way. He said she "has a little veneer of properness to her." But she loosened up a bit on the shoot when they went in for a long, steamy kiss. Or as steamy as a kiss can be with lips pressed tightly closed. She called it a "most amazing sexual moment."

He called Sonia a bombshell. As in devoid of all firepower and explosiveness? Just the outer shell? Must be because he said there was "no spark between us." But we know that's just code for "I found out her real age." Because surely he doesn't have sparks with every other girl there. Yet he felt the need to send Sonia packing. He told her, "Sometimes you have to respect the chemistry that's there or not there. It's almost disrespectful to force it." Uh-huh.

But she's been around the block once or twice. So she took it well, saying, "No point trying to kick a dead horse." Or a really old horse, I suppose. She was happy she tried at all and left in the downpour.

After the photoshoot, Tim and April Beauty went somewhere alone but I forget how she was chosen. There was no rose involved. I guess he just told them. I remember Proper Miss Natalie was very happy for April. Such a polite Canadian!

Wherever they went, there was the requisite anonymous singer-songwriter to greet them in song. April knew the words to the ditty. She called it a "cute" song. She used the word a lot. In fact, if Bachelor Canada ever spins off to Bachelorette Canada (and is there any reason why it shouldn't?!), and April Beauty is selected, no doubt "cute" would be her word. The song was cute, Tim was cute, his kiss was cute. Yes, they kissed. She had a blanket and he pulled it up to cover her face and gave her a peck behind it. She said, "Oh my God, how frickin' cute was that?! He would not have gotten a kiss if he didn't do it that way."

At the cocktail party, Tim showed up wearing Tyler Harcott's dress pants. They had to be because they seemed about four sizes too tight. And Harcott didn't make an appearance at all, I guess because he didn't have any pants. Just putting two and two together.

Kaylynn, who'd been fretting ever since she got the rose on her one-on-one date, said she was going to "play it cool" and not be "the overbearing girlfriend." Good call. And good luck with that.

She said it's sometimes easy for her to "go in a crazy emotional whirlwind, and nothing good can come from that."

Tim revealed that his horrendous tattoo is actually a cover-up. That's an example of making a bad thing even worse. Kids, let that be a lesson to you.

For the first time in history, the Bachelor shunned someone wanting to "interrupt". Mexican Martha walked up to Tim and Christine and he totally shunned poor Martha. I've never seen that before.

Remember what Kaylynn said two paragraphs ago? So when she was talking to one of the Aprils and Tim walked up to them and took April away, how do you think Kaylynn handled that? a) with a shrug and a laugh? b) with a tinge of disappointment, or c) with a crazy emotional whirlwind?

Martha supplied some tough love, reminding Kaylynn she already has a rose and she has nothing to worry about. Kaylynn wasn't listening. She said, "I should just go home." At which point Mexican Martha very correctly said, "I can't talk to you" and got up and walked away.

Kaylynn didn't go home, though. She sucked it up and made it through the rose ceremony. Both she and Pageant Trisha had roses. Ten more roses went to:

1. Suicide Stacy
2. Christine
3. Seashell
4. Mexican Martha
5. Dominiquetress
6. Jenny
7. Lisa the Red
8. April Beauty
9. The Foul-Mouthed Philosopher
10. A relieved Prim & Proper Miss Natalie, who told Tim, "Don't do that ever again!"

The doctor and nurse were sent home, Dr. Renee and Nurse Alison.

But the drama wasn't over. Kaylynn still needed to officially break down. Trisha said, "Enough is enough. If you can't fucking handle it, go home." But Kaylynn was upset with Martha, for some inexplicable reason. In her mind, she turned Martha's support into bullying. She said she felt bullied by her for telling her how she should be feeling. She sobbed, "I can't stand bullying!" Oh this can only get better.

She told Tim, "I don't want you to think differently of me." He said, "I don't." Presumably because he already thought she was a nut last week, too.

Bachelor Canada: What's all this aboot?

Hello there, Canada, and unfortunates the world over who are unable to view the glory that is Bachelor Canada. To you later group, I hope this blog will allow you to live vicariously through it to experience the special horribleness of your favourite franchise's poor cousin.

Not Tyler Harcott

Actually, I was quite impressed with last season's Bachelor Canada. I thought the lead and the contestants were all on par with the American version. The setting was grand and the locations gorgeous, and that if you didn't know otherwise, you might even be fooled that it was the original, minus Chris Harrison and added some geeky looking Ryan Stiles double trying to look hip (Tyler Harcott).

But that was the first season. This new version looks atrocious. Harcott has dyed his hair jet-black no doubt to cover up the gray, but it doesn't look natural on a wizened visage. And his wardrobe is also better suited to someone half his age. But let's not dwell on him since he's not around that much. The Bachelor, a 28-year-old guy named Tim, sounds very rehearsed in all his interviews and laughs way too much. As in all the time. And – I hesitate to even bring this next part up but what the hell – the ladies usually are some low-rent variation on supermodels, but let's just say this group is more down-home and realistic. No one really stands out. Maybe that's part of its Canadian charm, that the women are not particularly special. I'm just saying. My wife and one of her friends also commented negatively on their dresses, but they looked fine to me.

What does it all mean? It just means that the eye candy element isn't there. I won't get into individual details because that would be ungentlemanly and mean. Some of them are fairly attractive. If I don't single them out, they can all believe they are.

But what I think it really does is make it less believable that our hero will fall madly in love with one of them. He's an okay-looking dude who keeps himself in shape and seems to have altogether way too much going on to be so unencumbered with love. The guy was a Bay St. (US equivalent to Wall St.) investment banker working 100 hours a week until he quit to own his own tech start-up and construction company. Oh, and he's 28. And he somehow found the time to get a oversize garish tattoo on his left shoulder blade.

And then there's his diction. He actually said this: "I'm ready to find the person with whom I spend the rest of my life." You read that right. He said "with whom." Didn't I tell you he sounded scripted?

But worst of all is this self-described "all-Canadian guy" who plays hockey goes whole hog with the Canadian thing and pronounces "about" exactly how Canadians are made fun of. Well, not quite "aboot", but close enough. Keep in mind, I rarely hear this. Most Canadians that I know and see on television don't pronounce the word noticeably different from Americans. But some do, and hence the bad rep we have. This guy Tim does and it's like fingernails on a chalk board every time he says it. (I stopped counting at 7 within the first ten minutes.)

One other noticeable difference between the two countries' versions is that this Canadian version has more lax broadcast censorship. They bleep out the word "fuck" but on this first episode, "shit" was uttered four times uncensored. Score one for Canada!

We started off as we often do on the American version getting to know a select few of the women in little film segments. No need to go into them because we'll talk about them as they get out of the limo, but they profiled eight and all but one were chosen at the rose ceremony.

So here we go. The first limo arrives with:

• Rileigh, a 23-year-old philosphy student/waitress. She carries a tray with two shots of liquor which she and Tim down. Tim laughs.
• Kaylynn, a 26-year-old ballerina from Vancouver. Tim laughs.
• Raelee, a 26-year-old gymnast who, apparently, Canada voted to be on the show. I was not included in this vote. Why not?! Anyway, Tim laughs.
• Jennifer, a 26-year-old never-nervous "joyologist." She certainly was chipper. All I could think of was that this joyologist should hook up with the pantsapreneur. Tim laughs.
• April B, a 27-year-old real estate agent, who's father died of an OD. There are actually two April B's. Unlike the American show, all the female contestants' last names were used. I can't
  
  remember the two B's so let's call this one April Beauty. Tim laughs.

In that first limousine, April Beauty was my winner.

Limo 2:

• Sachelle, a 24-year-old, who offered Tim a seashell as a mnemonic device so he'd remember her name. Tim laughs.
• Dominique, a 28-year-old model/receptionist from Montreal with a missing tooth. Tim laughs but not at the missing tooth.
• Trisha, a 28-year-old slightly delusional pageant queen wearing a sash even though she's never been in a pageant. Or maybe she has, but she's never won. Tim laughs.
• Andrea, a 30-year-old from Kelowna. Tim didn't know where Kelowna was but laughed anyway.
• Renee-Anne, aka Renee, an emergency room doctor. Her shtick was to give Tim a prescription. Pretty sure that's against the Hippocratic Oath. But it must have worked because Tim laughed.

Out of this quintent, I picked Andrea as my favourite. (Spoiler alert: she wasn't Tim's.)

Before limo 3 showed up, Tyler Harcott arrived. I guess his alarm clock wasn't working. He asked Tim how things were going so far ("Overwhelming"). Then Harcott asked, "Seen things you like?" Things? Um, okay. Anyway, Tim answered, "Yeah... maybe." See?! I told you this was an uninspiring lot! He couldn't very well have said, "Nah, not so much, Tyler. I'm hoping the next three limos bring something better." But he may as well have. "Maybe"???

Limo 3:

• Rituiska, a 30-year-old Venezuelan, who arrived speaking Spanish to Tim, hoping to impress. He threw it right back at her, telling her he was an exchange student in Chile for a year. Oh, and he laughed.
• Alison, a 27-year-old nurse from Montreal. She did a little dance. Tim laughed.
• Jacqueline, a 23-year-old blonde nut from Toronto. I mean 'nut' in a quirky way. Tim laughed.
• Rebecca, a 24-year-old waitress from Calgary with lots of tattoos who goes by the name Becca. Tim laughed.
• Sarah, a 31-year-old from St. Catherine's with one long tattoo running down her spine from her neck to her butt. Tim laughed.

Hard to pick a winner from this group but it might have been the owner of the spine ink.

Limo 4:

• Natalie, a grade 3 French teacher who managed to equal Tim in stiffness. She stood about six feet away from him then taught him how to kiss-hello like a French person, in case he had never been outside his home before today and there was no cable or internet at his house. Tim laughed nervously.
• Sharan, from Vancouver, is one of the many contestants of colour. She's Indo-Canadian.
• Martha, a 26-year-old Mexican living in Montreal. She's a fashion buyer. She tried the Spanish trick, too. Tim equalled her. And laughed.
• Kelsey, a 28-year-old sommelier. Tim laughed.
• Jenny, a 26-year-old Vancouverite by way of Hong Kong with a "weird" English accent. She also has a right shoulder blade tattoo to match Tim's left one. Tim laughed.

Who's the winner in this round, you ask? I'd say it's a toss-up between Mexican Martha or Stiff Natalie.

Limo 5:

• Jewel, a 32-year-old basketball-loving tall black accountant from Toronto. She dribbled a basketball between her legs. Tim laughed. That was the last we saw of her.
• Sonia, a 42-year-old lingerie model. Take a moment to let that sink in. You read right: She's 42. And a lingerie model. I'll let you guess which fact she revealed to Tim. Obviously she looks good but come on. She's 42! He's 28! She did that thing where she moved her head around a lot so he couldn't get a full-on look at her face. Not that there's anything wrong with it; just that's she's 14 years older than he is. He laughed. But not at her; with her.
• Christine, a 29-year-old Asian music teacher from Vancouver. Tim laughed.
• Lisa, a 25-year-old bag o' trouble from Calgary. She has long red curls to match the flag that she represents. Tim laughed.
• April B. In this case the B stands for Burlesque. She's a 30-year-old from Victoria who dances burlesque by nights and by days rips pubic hair off vaginas. That's right, she's a "vagician" or "waxologist." She announced her exit from the limo with confetti.

My hands-down winner of this group was Lisa, although I also liked Jewel.

At the party, the ballerina Kaylynn was very emotional. And probably quite drunk. But she and Tim seemed to have a connection. He told her she seemed very confident. Oh, no, she assured him, she was actually a sensitive, emotional person. That's the side of her we saw, even if Tim didn't, that's for sure.

Then Tim had one of the best lines of the night when he told her that he had been picked on as a kid: "I used to not be a very good looking guy in high school," he said. Humility!

We got lots of the joyologist working her magic, spreading joy and goodwill to one and all. One of the others described her as a "hoot." Keep in mind, dear international reader, this is the Canadian Bachelor.

Jennifer the Joyologist told Tim she quit her job in cancer research. I guess there wasn't enough joy in searching for a cure to one of the worst diseases known to mankind. She wants to spread real joy, not superficial joy.

Maybe Tim really has never left home. Because when Kelsey the sommelier led him outside carrying a bottle of champagne and a knife, Tim was freaked out. Like he couldn't possibly imagine what was up her sleeve. I won't insult your intelligence by revealing what freakish act she performed. But Tim's mind was blown.

Rebecca then stole Tim away. She was wearing an apron. Not sure how long this party lasted, but she found the time to bake an apple pie from her grandmother's recipe. Which led to another great line of the night: "I hope that my pie guarantees me a rose." Ahem.

Then Christine the music teacher took Tim back outside to share with him her prodigious talent. She had written a song for him and wanted to perform it a cappella. If you've ever seen a season of The Bachelor/ette, you'll know that's never a good idea. And it wasn't in this case, either. Let's just say it won't be attracting any new students to her. But she did provide lots of entertainment for the others. Trisha snort-laughed.

But Tim fell for it. He gave her the first impression rose for taking a big risk. Personally, I don't think such risks should be rewarded but that's just me. He gathered all 25 women around to announce his decision, something you don't usually see. The unsteady Kaylynn became even more unsteady, saying she couldn't help but feel insecure and jealous. Thankfully Jennifer the Joyologist was there to give her a pep talk.

Then Miss Natalie, the teacher, got some one-on-one time with Tim. "I have to ask what was your first impression of me when you saw me?" she said. Clearly nothing rose-worthy.

She told him she teaches grades one, two and three. But does she? She revealed her job is to go into each class for half an hour each. "It's a dream-come-true kind of job," she said. Yeah, I guess working 90 minutes a day is pretty sweet.

Rileigh, the philosophical bar waitress, admired Rebecca's boobs. Philosophically, of course, as I do. Rebecca replied, "Do you want to touch them?" And Rileigh did.

Lisa the Red Flag accidentally spilled a drink all over Jenny and looked quietly pleased with herself. She's got a quality, that one. I like it, but I'd approach cautiously. Tim sees that, too. He says she's got an edge to her, which he finds sexy. She reminds me of someone I know but I can't figure out who it is. I may have blocked her from my memory.

Tim got a bit rose-happy. He handed another one out to the very proper Miss Natalie. He was attracted to her confidence. She readily accepted, enunciating clearly, "I'm very, very thrilled about this."

And then another rose to Sachelle, "the cutest and so honest." As you can well imagine, Kaylynn is now a total wreck. Tim sensed it so he made his way over to her. They flirted. Well, she flirted and he laughed. She leaned forward drunkily when talking. She felt that he was sexually attracted to her.

At the rose ceremony, Christine, Natalie and Sachelle were all safe, leaving twelve more lucky ladies to receive a flower and ten unlucky ones to be sent home (the Canadian version tends to speed along at a faster rate than the American one). The roses went in order to:

1. Kaylynn. And thank God. She went from depressive to manic at the announcement.
2. Jenny and her right shoulder tattoo
3. Dominique the model/receptionist
4. Mexican Martha
5. Philosophical Rileigh
6. April Burlesque
7. Lisa Red Flag
8. Dr. Renee
9. April Beauty
10. Nurse Alison
11. Sonia the Cougar
12. Trisha the Beauty Queen without a Crown, who was losing it as rose after rose was handed out to the others

Someone from the group said they now know Tim's type: olive-skinned girls.

That's that. We got some upcoming highlights and it looks like all the world's hotspots were covered. There'll be lots of kissing and lots of tears and lots of cat fights. All with a Canadian twist. That's what it's all aboot.