But enough chit-chat. It’s time to fire up the PVR and settle in for a night of awkward hilarity.
Here we go with the endless updates. Yeah, we get it. We watched. Let’s get it going already. If anyone’s tuning in now, they can figure it out on their own. Why punish us diehards for their lack of commitment?
Ooh, tonight Jillian is going to reveal a dark secret. What could it be? Oh, they just told us. I was going to guess that she used to be in porn or something. But it’s just that her mom was diagnosed with depression.
Molly’s family looks boringly normal.
But Naomi’s hometown is, apparently, “the wackiest hometown in Bachelor history.” What does that mean? Daffy Duck is the mayor? Oh, they mean Naomi’s mom is a nut-job. Yes, she is. She’s burying a dead dove. At least she’s better looking than her daughter.
And in Dallas, Melissa’s hometown date “goes horribly wrong”. Her parents aren’t comfortable with the “publicness” of being on TV. That can only mean one thing: they’re even more normal than Molly’s family.
Just when I thought we were getting into this week’s show, it’s nothing more than Jason rehashing each of the four remaining girls. He says that on his first date with Molly she jumped at the chance to stay over with Jason in the tent, “and that’s really cool. She trusted me and I thank her for that.” Hear that, ladies? Sleep with your man on the first date. He’ll respect you.
They just showed Naomi toasting DeAnna. Which reminds me, when is she coming back? They made such a big deal of it early on, but it seemed in the clips they showed, there were lots of women still around. Do you think they just decided to cut all that? Or is it yet to come? I miss her. But mostly I just want to see him dump her after she lays her hort out there.
Melissa’s nails are now the length of the ultimate winner’s nails. So it’s a foregone conclusion. But we’ll keep on watching just because she’s so damn cute.
Speaking of cute, here’s Ty. I know that makes no sense, but I’m sure some people think he’s cute.
Well, that was 12 minutes of a whole lotta nothing, wasn’t it? It’s commercial time.
***
We’re in Kelowna. I don’t quite get it. The show says Jillian is from Peace River, Alberta. Jillian says she’s from Vancouver. But her hometown is Kelowna? Okay. I’ll play along.
Jason runs to Jillian when he gets out of the car the same way he runs to little Ty.
Oh, she’s explaining the Kelowna connection. It makes sense. But this doesn’t: She says there’s a Loch Ness monster in Lake Okanagan. That’s like saying there’s a Lake Okanagan monster in Loch Ness, isn’t it?
They’re drinking wine in front of a fire. They make a handsome couple. She’s telling Jason about her depressed and suicidal mom, who is apparently better now. I wonder if she appreciates being outted like that on international TV.
I wonder if that’s a red flag for Jason. Does depression run in families? I don’t know. But if he thinks it does, maybe he wouldn’t want to be around for it. But he understands it because he’s had some depression in his family, too. So there you go. Like I said, a handsome couple.
Now they arrive at her folks’ place. They’re standing there with a Canadian flag. That’s slightly embarrassing.
Peggy, Jillian’s mom, is giving a toast she’s written. Boy, the people on this series sure love shitty poetry.
She’s not the most spontaneous, that Peggy. After reading the toast, she takes Jason outside and proceeds to read him from a list of questions.
Jillian’s got a nice family. I told you she’s a catch.
Did granny just kiss Jason on the lips? That’s creepier than kissing Ty on the lips.
***
Now we’re in Grand Rapids, Michigan, for a hometown visit with Molly’s clan.
Molly is at the country club in a golf cart. You might recall she’s a bit of a golf phenom having played varsity golf in high school.
Molly has only brought one guy home before Jason, and her dad hated him. She vows never to repeat that mistake.
Molly’s all talk. At least in her golf game. Jason beat her. But she looks good doing it.
Her parents are peering out the window. Her mom looks fun. Her dad, not so much. But he’s warming to Jason, I think, because Jason says he takes Ty to the driving range.
Out comes the hat box. What the hell is that about? Now Maryann, the mom, is getting Jason to draw. What is she, a kindergarten teacher?
Molly’s dad is a firebrand, isn’t he? But I like his advice. He tells his daughter that if she doesn’t make it all the way, whatever she does, don’t get in that limo and start crying. Smile all the way, he tells her.
Molly thinks the drawing Jason did of her (at least the lips part of the drawing) looks “Jokeresque”. I think it could also be described as “Stephanie-esque”.
Maryann thinks Jason is perfect. They were a pretty neat family, too. Tough decisions ahead for our Bachelor buddy.
***
Now it’s time for the wackiest hometown visit in Bachelor history, or so they tell us. Wackier than the time the girl hired actors to fight and hit on the Bachelor? Remember that one? Ah, sweet memories. Naomi’s got a lot to live up to.
We’re in Lake Elsinore, California, to visit Naomi’s family.
Oh good Naomi got to say “impor’ant” again. That’s always good for a laugh.
She is so gone. That greeting was nothing like the others.
Are you buying her assertion that she’s totally ready to have a family and settle down? I’m not. Maybe it’s because she still talks in that teenager upspeak way where every sentence sounds like a question.
Joanne, Naomi’s mom, busts out the hoola hoops. Who owns a dozen hoola hoops?
Her dad, Hector, looks comfortable, doesn’t he?
***
Hey, her dad talks! Oh, yes! He looks like a mafioso, but he’s really a born-again Christian! This is too good. He’s witnessing to Jason. Oh, sweet Jesus, finally something to write about!
He’s talking about Jesus, then asks what Jason’s definition of marriage is. Not sure of that connection, especially considering old Hector is divorced, which I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t endorse.
Joanne – finally! – rescues Jason from the sermon on the couch. She doesn’t strike me as the born again type, but let’s find out what she’s all about. Ah, she’s more new agey. She has premonitions about things. She also believes in reincarnation. Jason, the pussy, when asked what he thinks of it just says that he believes anything is possible. Joanne thinks Jason was a mom in another life. I buy that.
Jason says goodbye to the family then he and Naomi stand just a few feet from the front door playing tonsil hockey. I’m hoping the born again Hector comes out and beats him with a bible.
Okay, thank God that hometown date is over. It’s time to meet Melissa’s... best friends.
***
Now we’re in Dallas, Texas, to meet Melissa’s family... Not!
Melissa made Ty a tooth fairy box. Thoughtful or manipulative? I give her the benefit of the doubt. She seems real.
Now here’s the news that he’ll be meeting her best friends. Her parents don’t want to take such a big step in front of the cameras because they couldn’t be natural. They sound entirely reasonable. Just as well. Families are over-rated. That is, we choose our friends so they are maybe more reflective of the type of people we are. We don’t choose our family. We get whatever crazies we’re assigned to from birth.
***
He should have kept the Brazilian girl around just so he could get a trip to Rio in on a hometown visit.
Melissa has low self-esteem. I’m with Jason. She seems too good to be true, yet she can’t see why any guy would look at her. Bless her cute little heart.
She is a woman of mystery. Or at least her parents are mysterious. Her friends don’t know them and she doesn’t talk about them. What will Jason think? In her low-self-esteem way, she’s wondering if it’s a deal-breaker for Jason.
So next up is the big decision. It’s gotta be Naomi, doesn’t it, who gets sent home? But who knows what’s going on in that little mind of his?
***
Three roses to give out. One lady goes home.
Jillian looks tired. And short.
The first rose goes to... Molly. She knew that was coming. I think traditionally Jillian has gotten the first rose. I wonder what that means.
Naomi looks like she’s going to be sick. Hey, girlie, it’s only been one rose. Don’t sweat it yet.
The second rose goes to... Jillian! She is cocky. I mean confident.
Naomi is pissed. Mel just looks blank. If it’s between these two, I don’t care if her parents were no-shows, he’s simply got to choose Melissa.
The third and final rose goes to... Melissa! Duh.
Oh my God, Naomi is going to do something rash. This will not end well. She fakes a smile to Jason that says she’s going to bitch-slap him.
Maybe it was those gold strap up the legs shoes she was wearing.
They sit down to talk. He says, “It’s not your family. Don’t even think that.” If she wasn’t thinking that before, she is now.
Poor Naomi. She’s crying in the limo. She thinks she’s better off on her own. She has no idea where she goes from here. See, this is why Molly’s dad made her promise not to blubber if she doesn’t win.
Good-bye, Naomi, and good luck.
Next week they’re going to... New Zealand? Molly and Jason take the plunge and go bungy jumping. And that’s about it, as far as I can tell.
Oh, here we go! Here’s DeAnna. She comes all the way to New Zealand to tell Jason she thinks she made a mistake. Now we’re cooking with gasoline!
That was kind of an uneventful episode, I thought, just because we all knew that Naomi wouldn’t get a rose. But next week, with three keepers in the running, and the addition of DeAnna, oh my, it’s going to be good. Only seven more sleeps!
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