Episode seven, New Zealand

Welcome back, my Bachelor buddies. We got a few more votes in the polls this week, which is good to see. It’s pretty evenly split on who you think is going home tonight. Three of you said Canadian Jillian, three said golfer Molly and two said orphaned Melissa. It’ll be a tough decision. I think it’s going to be Molly. She might be too young, may be a bit shallow and definitely too blonde. I think the swarthy bachelor digs brunettes.

I was flabbergasted with the other poll, though, about DeAnna. Five out of six pollers said they hope he ditches DeAnna this week! Why on earth would you wish that sweet girl such hortbreak? Look, she made a mistake. Who hasn’t been swept off their feet by a pro snowboarder with a bouffant before? If anything, you should want her around an extra week just for the added drama.

I read some American blogs last week and every one of them commented on Jillian’s accent. Wow. Goes to show how immersed I am in Canadiana, but I can’t even hear it. They all singled out her mom rhyming rain with again. I guess Americans don’t say a-gain; they say a-gen. The thing is, we say it both ways. I’m not even sure how I say it. So we’re bi-accented. It’s funny to hear them get all perplexed over it. Ah, our dear, sweet, provincial southern neighbours (how do you like that spelling, Yanks?!). By the way, if there are any American readers to this blog, welcome.

I wonder if Jason is turned off by Jillian’s “accent”. Can’t be. He’s had some doozies on there from the south.

Okay, enough prognosticating and pontificating, let’s get on with the show.

They’re showing last week’s highlights. I’m tempted to fast forward through it, but I’m a completist. I just can’t do that. Besides, I’m enjoying looking at Melissa’s short shorts.

Naomi’s gone and the three that are left are all proposal worthy, in my estimation. That’s a first, I think. Usually there’s some crazy broad I can’t stand sticking around till the end. Not this time. It’ll make the goodbye all that more gut-wrenching. I don’t know how I’ll get through it, but I’ll do my best.

Tonight we’re going to New Zealand. Woo-hoo!... Oh wait, we’re just watching.

Jason is wondering if Vancouver’s own Jillian is too independent to be in his life. Wow. Hints of why, maybe, Jason’s first marriage went in the toilet. Does he want his woman at home?

He also questions the romantic connection with her... Fag. But he also says he could see himself married to Jillian. That actually makes sense, sadly. Without the romance, it’s like they’re already married.

Unintentional hilarity, take 1: “On our first date, Molly slept over. We camped out. And she finally kinda opened up.” I’ll bet she did.

Melissa, he says, reminds him of DeAnna and his ex-wife. Interesting. Told you he was partial to brunettes. But since those two didn’t work out, maybe she’s not the one for you, Jason.

What the hell? Jason just said the fact that he didn’t get to meet Mel’s folks made him question if she’s really serious? Talk about a non sequitur. God, not having to meet parents? How is that anything but a positive?

It’s a long, long flight to New Zealand. I wonder if they all travel together. If so, why all the exaggerated greetings when they first meet?

Chris just hinted that maybe Jillian wouldn’t accept the tantalizing invitation to spend the night in the fantasy suite. That can only mean one thing: she’s in there. No question about it.

***

Jason picks Jillian up in a helicopter. Can you believe that? Never seen that before. She races to Jason and wraps her legs around his midsection. Out of the final three, she’s probably the wildest in bed.

They’re flying around totally in awe at the spectacular scenery. Does no one ever get the teensiest bit nervous? They all act like they’re just on a bus or something. I’d be pooing my pants.

The chopper lands on a ledge and Jason says it was “literally overlooking all of New Zealand.” Um... I kinda doubt that, Jason. New Zealand is small, granted, but it’s not miniscule.

They’re having a picnic on the cliff and Jill is fishing for compliments, asking him what he’d say if someone asked him about her. He says “fun”, and Jill is cool with that. He continues: fun, gorgeous, exciting, adventurous. Then he asks, “Is that what you think about yourself?” And she says yes! I tell ya, that girl is not lacking for confidence.

Jason asks what she’d say about him. She tap-dances around the question.

Jillian is looking for someone to be her best friend at the end of the day. The kind of best friend you can have sex with. Because, really, those are the best kind of best friends, let’s be honest.

She’s said “at the end of the day” twice now. At the end of the day I’m not a fan of that saying.

Did Jason get a nerd haircut for his trip down under? (Is New Zealand considered down under, too? If it’s not, it should be.)

Jason says he used to think he’d want to marry his best friend, but now he wants more than that. Maybe he doesn’t quite get the concept. Or he just doesn’t understand her “accent”.

Jason says he’s looking for true love and passion tonight. If you know what I mean.

But will she accept???... Uh, I think it’s safe to assume they’ll get it on.

***

Jill says, “Best date ever.” Jason says, “And here’s to an even better evening.” Dude, lay back a little. You’re acting desperate.

Ooh, here it comes! What’s she gonna do? Jason’s just sitting there watching her talk. He’s dying to give her the invitation to the fantasy suite. He’s acting weird. If he sends her home after that puppy dog look, I’ll eat my chocolate hat.

After a simmering kiss, Jillian asks Jason to hurry up with the invitation already. I called it. She’s a goer, that one. God love her.

She reads the card and without a blink says, “Do you think you can handle a whole night with me?” Oh, yesiree, Bob, it is on! Bring it!

She wants to see if they connect physically. I wonder if they’re not allowed to say that he’s going to insert his penis into her vagina, or whatever the kids call it these days. Why the code words?

She also says that she knew if they spent the night together, it would be a long night and she wanted to make sure he could handle “all this fire”. Told you she was a tigress in the sack.

I love that Jillian always has mukluks on, even when she’s in a bikini on the way to the hot tub. She must have horrendous calves.

They’re practically schtupping in the hot tub. Jill’s got her legs wrapped around Jason. Forget the fantasy suite. I think Jason is spent.

***

Here comes Molly bounding down the path. Jason looks sheepish, as well he should be after that steamy night with Jillian. Poor, innocent Molly doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into. He’s a little reserved compared to her exuberant greeting.

Molly says she’s going to show him a little bit more of her emotional side. Do you women really plan things out like that? “Today I’m going to cry like a schoolgirl. That’ll get him!”

It’s bungee jumping for the two of them. Molly’s actually scared. But she’s going to do it anyway. She’s got spunk.

Jason seems really reserved. But old Jason returns when she whips out a list of questions. He has to answer each one honestly:
1. If you could eat only one food the rest of your life... Jason doesn’t even let her finish before blurting out “hamburger”. I think I’ll play along. Off the top of my head, I’d say peanut butter sandwich.
2. What’s your favourite flavour of ice cream? Jason says peanut butter chocolate. I say mint chocolate chip.
3. What is your favourite place in the world? Swarthy Jason says Greece. Me? Hmm... maybe I’d go with New York City.
4. What is your favourite holiday? Jason says birthdays, not realizing that those aren’t really holidays. I’d say Christmas. Which, I guess, was Jesus’s birthday, so I stand corrected.
5. What is your dream car? Jason says Mustang. I’m not really a car guy. Maybe I’d say Mercedes convertible because I liked those as a kid.
6. What’s your favourite meal of the day? Jason says not breakfast. I didn’t know we could answer in the negative. If so, I’ll say not dinner.
7. What body part are you most proud of? Jason thinks says he’s never thought of it before. I’d say my abs (hoping there’s someone reading this who has no idea what I look like).
8. If you could go to a concert of anyone, who would it be? Jason says Elvis. I think he means Presley, not Costello. I’d say, if we can take dead people, Leonard Cohen. I know he’s not dead, but he seems like it.
9. If you could be one person for a day, who would it be? Jason says the president because you could make a big difference. I’m assuming he means the president of the United States of America. I’d say my wife so I could see how awesome it was living with me.
10. If your house were on fire, what is one thing you would grab? I couldn’t make out what he said. Something about sneakers? Notice he didn’t say Ty? I’d say some pants.
11. What is your favourite period of time in your life? Jason says now. Sure, sounds good to me, too.

She says they’re on number 18, so they’ve edited a few out. Man, how bad must they have been if these were the ones they kept? Jason doesn’t seem to be enjoying it. I think he’s still thinking about the night of wild donkey sex with Jillian.

12. What is your morning routine? Jason says it takes him 20 minutes to get ready. My morning routine is looking at the clock and going back to sleep until it passes.

Jason isn’t impressed when Molly says it takes her 45 minutes to get ready. So she quickly backtracks and says she can do it in 5 minutes if she has to. He likes the natural look.

She’s leaving one last question for later that night because it’s the most important question on her list. What could it be? Here’s hoping it’s about Jesus because that’ll just make the decision easier.

I think if anyone wouldn’t go in the fantasy suite, it would be Molly. But that would be a first in Bachelor history. Then again, she’s already “opened up” with him in the tent, so what am I talking about?

***

It’s hard for Molly to talk about her feelings and emotions. There’s always one in every season and usually they’re the ones I’m most attracted to. Who needs to hear all about emotions and gunk like that?

Now Jason is grilling her about her family. He noticed that her parents sat far apart from each other, and so did her sister from her boyfriend/husband. Molly, sounding a bit like an automoton, says that’s a very fair observation. She says they’re just not a mushy-gushy familty, and that’s why she is the way she is.

Oh, poor Molly is a goner.

This is an awkward date. But it all magically changes when she admits she’s falling in love with him. It was a huge breakthrough. But you can tell she’s not used to saying she loves someone because she could barely form the words at the end: “I think I’m falling in love wiya.”

Here’s question number 20 (aka question number 13): Since you have already asked me to to stay the night with you... I would like to invite you to stay the night with me! (and this next part is added in pen later) because I am falling in love with you... Um, that’s technically not a question. That’s a little forward, young lady. Jason says he’d love to. I’m guessing this night will not be the wild night of boning the previous night was. Probably 20 minutes max.

Now they’re previewing the rose ceremony. Still no sign of DeAnna! What’s with that? Get her down there already.

***

We’re halfway through this puppy. It’s Melissa’s turn.

He says he’s had two unbelievable dates so far. If the “physical connection” (i.e. fornication) is so important, why can’t he talk about the relative merits of each one and how they mesh? Okay, that’s kind of creepy, but admit it, you’d love to hear it, too.

His greeting with Melissa was way more euphoric than it was with Molly. Melissa gave him the same crotch grab scissor-lock that Jillian did.

They’re walking along and Jason says, “You know the old prime minister of England...” and before he can finish, Melissa says, “Winston Churchill” like there’s only one possible answer. But she has a cute, most likely Texan saying, pointing to her head: “It’s not just a hat rack.”

They’re on Winston Churchill’s old boat. 1. Why is Churchill’s old boat in New Zealand? 2. Shouldn’t it be bigger? 3. Jason is one connected dude!

She says in every relationship she’s been in, she’s been the “dumpee”. Which raises the question: What’s wrong with her?

Who does Melissa remind me of? Can anyone out there help? Someone really cute, whoever it is.

Oh, quit harping on not meeting her parents. It’s not that big a deal. Now they’re in the hot tub sipping champagne and... talking about her parents. But Jason says, “Falling in love with Melissa has nothing to do with her parents.” Really, big fella? Then give it a rest already!

Yet right after that he says he could fall in love with Melissa without meeting her parents but that it could only go so far. I think it’s fair to assume that if he chooses Melissa, he’ll eventually meet them. So why is this even an issue?

***

They’re at a private dinner in Queenstown. Melissa holds her fork funny, with her index finger sitting on the top of it. She says she talks to her brother almost every day, and she sees her parents a couple times a week. Okay, we get it, they don’t hate you. It just looks that way.

Jason whips out the invitation to the fantasy suite. She says absolutely. She’s getting sloppy thirds and couldn’t be happier.

Jason’s kind of a half-wit, isn’t he? She just opened herself up to him, as he expects his women to do, telling him how scary the process is, and he just has nothing to say until he lamely comes up with, “Nothing’s going to scare me.”

He’s giving her the “let’s get it on” eyes while she’s getting serious and eventually just kisses her to shut her up.

He says he can’t open up himself completely until he knows that they’re there as well. A bit of a double standard, wouldn’t you say? Or a Catch-22. Maybe they’re waiting for him to open himself up before they do.

After seeing him with both Melissa and Jillian, I think it’s safe to say Molly is as good as gone. But Chris assures us that this will be the most dramatic departure of the season, as one woman is sent home broken-hearted.

***

In his talk with Chris, he’s sounding like he’s hedging with Jillian, but I’m sure he’s told to. He says he wants more than a best friend (without ever saying what that is). But I can’t picture Jillian losing it in the most dramatic departure of the season if she’s sent home. Similarly, I don’t see Molly losing it, either. Her dad would be furious. But could it be Melissa? That doesn’t seem likely, either.

Each of the three made Jason a “very personal, private video message” that they’re now going to share with us across North America.

Jillian’s video is first. She starts with, “Hey, babe.” She says she is in complete awe of Jason and everything that he is. She’s in awe that he’s turned a life of adversity into something that is so positive. Did I miss that episode? What was his adversity? A divorce? She talked about a future with him and mentioned fun and homecooked meals, but nothing about love.

Molly is next. Her opening is, “Hey, Jay.” She says she is positive that she is madly in love with him. She’s done her homework. She knows what he expects in a woman: blind devotion.

Finally Melissa. She starts with, “Hey, you.” She looks the least cute she’s ever looked on this show. That’s not the last image he should see before making his decision. She ends with, “I miss you and I love you.” Jason looks visibly shaken at that. Could it be he feels awful because he’s going to send her home? Or could it be some nifty editing by the producers?

So two of the three said the L-word. Only Jillian didn’t. She kind of snuck it in backwards saying, with no trace of emotion, that she needs to thank him for showing her how wonderful it feels to fall in love again. But in his daze, he might have missed it. That could cost her.

Jason says, “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to break someone’s heart today.” Oh, come on, you can do it, kid!

Jason literally sheds a tear. One single tear. From one eye. I thought that only happened in the movies.

***

About twenty minutes left in episode seven and still no sign of DeAnna. I’m beginning to worry about her. I hope she at least calls.

The three finalists are standing there looking purty and Chris tells them that one of them will be on a plane back home tonight. And now here comes our Bachelor. He’s walking a bit funny. I guess three nights of wild sex will do that to a guy. Maybe he’s got a rash.

Jason’s not good at this. He’s a mess.

Jillian looks calm, cool and confidant, as usual. Molly looks concerned. And Melissa looks like she knows it’s her. She’s over-analyzing things again.

And here are the roses!

The first rose goes to... Melissa. She heaves a sigh of relief.

Now what?!

The second, and last, rose goes to... Molly!

That racist hates Canadians! That had to sting. Jillian was confidant. So was I! But at least she’s coming home.

She sits down with him and smiles and seems in control, as usual. Where’s the drama?

He says their lives are different, but she disagrees. That was code for she’s Canadian. Goddamn xenophobe!

Now he brings up the point about her wanting to marry her best friend. He says he felt that was the path they were on. She says “at the end of the day” one more time, that when you’re 90 years old, you’re going to want to be with your best friend, and that’s what she’s looking for. He replies, in his quarter-wit way, “Yeah, but it’s got to be your best friend and more.” Uh, duh. Did he really think she was talking about just buddies?

Now she’s opening up. You can see Jason realize he made a mistake, especially when she says, not once but twice, that she’s completely fallen in love with him. The dream about napping with him and Ty was a bit odd, but whatever. She leaves with class, just the way she came in.

Now the soliloquy from the car. Jillian is sniffling. And Jason is looking ill again. Will he call her back? That would be cool. But it won’t happen. He says she was AMAZING but he just wasn’t falling in love with her. Then, as if in tribute to the fallen Canuck, he says, “At the end of the day, there are two women I am falling for.”

***

And now for the highlights of the “most dramatic finale in Bachelor history”. Uh-huh.

Oh, look, DeAnna is going to be on in two weeks. Whatever.

So, what to make of all this? I think he sent dear Jillian packing because he loved her more than Molly, but knew that Melissa was the one for him. So this would make the final rose ceremony much easier... Until DeAnna enters the picture.

Next week, it’s the Women Tell All episode. That’s always fun. And I’ll be able to get my Jillian fix as well as renew my vows with gorgeous Lauren.