Episode eight: The women tell some

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So tonight it’s the annual cat fight: The Ladies Dish the Dirt. But more importantly, we get to catch up on Trista and Ryan. Can’t get enough of that. (Sometimes sarcasm doesn’t translate well to the written page. Trust me, that was sarcasm.) I think they run the same feature on the shiny, happy couple every single season. Either that or their son is a dwarf. (And by ‘dwarf’, I mean, of course, ‘midget’.)

We’re going to be reacquainted with all our favourites and psychos: vacuous Natalie, widowed Stephanie, stalker Shannon, bitchy Naomi, chunky Erica, foul-mouthed Megan, as well as gorgeous Lauren.

Hey, speaking of gorgeous Lauren, I did some internet sleuthing and found out she’s a former Ms. United States, is a published author and is a successful songwriter/singer. And all this time I thought she was just a humble teacher from New Jersey. Either way she's gorgeous.

Oh, and let’s not forget Vancouver’s own Jillian. That rat bastard Jason told her to take a hike last week. Just as well. He’s not good enough for her.

***

Here’s Jason’s side of the story. He’s talking to host Chris. I’m betting he has nothing of import to say about anything. Just a hunch.

Megan... Shannon... Stephanie... Naomi’s family... nothing to say.

Finally Chris calls him on his bullshit. Jason says Jillian is the ultimate friend. Chris brings up the steamy hot tub scene. But c'mon, Chris, who hasn't made out with their best friend in a hot tub?

Next Jason says nothing happened with Molly in the tent. Chris is asking the questions we want to ask for once. They’re a little probing but they need to be asked. He gets Jason to pin down which base they got to. Jason admits they only got to first base. So much for that “walk of shame” Molly talked about. She’s only a partial tart afterall.

***

Now it’s time for some never-before-seen footage. Oh, this oughta be good!

On a date with Naomi, a horse wigs out and Jason has to bail. Wow, that was exciting, wasn’t it? He almost fell down.

Next Jason takes off his pants when he... wins a bet with Molly?

Next a free-for-all improv scene on the set of General Hospital. Those krazy kats.

Now Jason is rapping to Molly. As in hip-hop. I never would have thought I'd say this, but I have a lot more respect for actual hip-hoppers now. Chris tells Jason that he sucks. I think Chris hit the sauce in the green room.

Jason and Molly in the bath and she starts farting like crazy. I thought those were soap bubbles. Hello!

Those scenes were hilarious, weren’t they?! I can see why they were never-before-seen.

Now drunk Chris is asking about the fantasy suite because “people want to know!” Jason says he’s not going to talk about it. Nuff said, Mesnick. We get it.

Oh, oh, oh! Trista and Ryan have some exciting news! Can’t wait to share in their happiness.

***

Now the long-awaited update on Trista and Ryan. Max is now 18 months old. Seriously? He truly seems to have been the same age for years. Trista is pregnant. Full-on. And she looks great. But I’m a sucker for pregnant chicks.

Trista thinks Jason should choose Melissa. Molly thinks Trista should mind her own damn business.

Ryan is still penning awful poetry. Here's one, Ryan:

There once was a girl named Trista
She was one hot and sexy sistah
When Ryan came along
She fell for his schlong
And they lived happily ever ista.

Hmm, I guess it's harder than it looks.

That’s it for Trista and Ryan. Scintillating stuff.

And now Charlie O’Connell, the pseudo-celebrity, and Sarah have gotten back together just in time for him to get some much needed camera time. Sarah says they’re best friends. You think Jason is listening? Best friends and lovers. What a concept.

***

Who are all these past faceless contestants? Funny how quickly we forget. In their minds, I’m sure they all think they’re stars.

Apparently one of the former contestants (Chelsea) has since posed nude in Playboy. Did you hear that gorgeous Lauren? Call your agent stat!

Oh, but there’s dopey Fred and he’s finally found someone. He’s with former contestant Noelle, who looks vaguely familiar. What is she thinking? I always thought he should have been on Beauty and the Geek instead. But hey, it worked out for him.

***

Finally we get to the women from this season. Now we’re talking. Jillian got a huge ovation. Could she be the next Bachelorette? That would be awesome.

Stephanie, also, got a nice ovation. Why do I think of The Crying Game every time I see her?

Chunky Erica talks too much.

Jackie... a wedding coordinator... Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. I remember the name and occupation, but not the face.

Oh, hey, look, another highlight package! Pardon me if I don’t have a lot to say. It’s all been said. Check my past entries.

Megan admits she didn’t give a good first impression. In all fairness, though, she also didn't give a good second or third impression, either.

Chunky Erica is going on and on again. Her dress is too short. Which reminds me I have to pick up some cottage cheese at the store tomorrow.

Stalker Shannon has had her hair done. And looks tanned. Neither helps.

Natalie in the hot seat next.

***

Natalie’s wearing jeans. She says she doesn’t like jewelry so she doesn’t mind that the million dollar necklace was taken away. Drunk Chris points to her dozens of bracelets. Her response? They’re cheap. Yeah, that makes total sense.

Natalie is still pissed about being stereotyped. The poor girl explains how she’s been taken out of her life in Chicago and put in this foreign environment sans her life-force (that’d be her Blackberry) and her iPod. Can you imagine? No, I don’t think you can, so don’t judge. Drunk Chris says, “They took away all your superficial things.” Oh, no he di’in’t! Snap!

All the girls gang up on Natalie. I would have liked to have seen more of that. This is like The View times six.

***

Jillian’s turn now. She’s looking like Marlo Thomas in That Girl, for you older folks out there.

Chris says everyone saw something special between her and Jason. Everyone but Jason, apparently, that rat bastard.

She’s nothing but class, that girl (no pun intended). She has nothing bad to say about anyone. The other women look like they like her, which says something. Thoughtful, reflective. And funny, too. She says she can’t wait for Prince Charming to get off his lazy butt and sweep her off her feet. Oh, that Jillian. Stop it already. You had me at "hot dog".

Chris just asks her if she’d ever want to be the Bachelorette and the crowd goes wild. She says she’d do it, but no formal invitation is forthcoming. That drunk Chris is a tease, isn’t he?

***

Jason is back to face the ladies. I hope drunk Chris is hard on the rat bastard.

Jillian is all class again. Nothing to report there.

Jason just mentions Naomi’s “huge wings”. Nice, Jason. Real nice.

Jason says he thinks he’ll be friends forever with Stephanie. Jillian winces.

Now the blooper real. Naomi loves to smell her stinky armpits. Why didn’t they show that in the show? Ditto Jillian’s top coming off in the pool.

***

I don’t really have a lot to say tonight, do I? Is it me or the show? It’s the show, right? I think the whole show should have been the women bitching to each other instead of all this extra stuff.

Next week is the big week. DeAnna comes along, Jason is inconsolable on a balcony, and Chris says the following: “As you can see, we have no audience here tonight. Because what you’re about to witness is potentially so dramatic, so emotionally difficult, we decided, out of respect for the parties involved, to keep the taping of tonight’s show as intimate as possible.” Here’s the question I have: When is there ever an audience on the final rose episode? I’ll answer it for you: Never, that’s when.

And what exactly does he mean by “potentially” so dramatic? I’m confused.

It’s all an elaborate ruse. We’re supposed to think he ditches Molly and Melissa for DeAnna. Look, they go to great lengths to make sure nobody knows what’s going to happen before a show airs, so is it plausible they’d give it away like that? Methinks not.

As for who will get the final rose, I’ve got to believe it’s Molly only because the upcoming highlights and voice-over by Jason so heavily favoured Melissa. And as we saw by the never-before-seen footage, there’s lots they don’t tell us. So call your bookie today and put all your money on Molly. Although I’d prefer Melissa because she’s just so damn cute, and I’d prefer DeAnna because it would make for such great TV.

I think I've got my bases covered. See you next week, amigos.