Week Five

Hello, my invisible readers. Here we are at episode five. What thrills and drama will the handsome bachelor and his many suitors have in store for us this week?

Thanks to all of you who voted in the poll last week. All five of you. No wait, I voted. That’s four. And the old lady voted. She has to. So that leaves three. Whoever you are, I thank you from the bottom of the cockles of my heart. There's a new poll up now so vote again. I can’t believe no one has written a comment yet, though. How weak is that? You can do it anonymously, you know? I’m not asking you to suck up. Have at me, or the girls, or Jason, or his mentally challenged progeny. Just say something.

Okay, bitches, let’s get this puppy rolling. (Hmm, note to self: if you’re begging for comments, best not be calling your rabid readers names.)

I have no idea how long tonight’s episode is. I’m kinda tired and it’s after midnight so I’m hoping it’s not another 2-hour epic. But if so, so be it. I’m here for you. So let’s fire up the PVR and see what’s in store for us this week.

Doh! Two hours. Okay. Whatever. Let’s do it.

Will this be the episode we see DeAnna? They made it up to be a big deal early on but we’ve seen neither hide nor hort of her.

We’re seeing stalker Shannon picking her nose last week. Are you like me in that you’re a little surprised, and a tad disappointed, that Shannon didn’t melt down when she was sent packing? That’s why we watch these shows!

Oh, right, I forgot, gorgeous Lauren is gone. Why am I watching this again?

Tonight the five remaining gals go to Seattle.

Oh, oh, oh!!! It’s going to be the most intense rose ceremony ever! I know because Chris just told us! And he hardly ever says that so it must be true!

Who will get sent home? Let’s recap before we go any further, shall we (even though you’ve all seen the show). The five remaining ladies are Vancouver’s own Jillian, high school golf phenom Molly, bitchy flight attendant Naomi, cute as a button Melissa, and, shockingly, classy widow Stephanie. I love making predictions. I’m assuming one goes home so I’ll say it’s gotta be Stephanie. He can’t keep stringing her along like this when he feels nothing for her. But I’d like to see Naomi get cut loose. It could just be my bias against slutty shoulder tattoos (apologies to anyone reading this who might sport one, but really, what were you thinking?)

The ladies greet Chris in their jammies and robes, looking like hell. Their plane leaves for Seattle very soon.

We just saw little Ty with a woman. I first thought it was Jason’s ex, but that would have been too delicious. Turns out it’s his sister-in-law. How can he have one of those when he’s divorced? [editor's note: oh yeah, could be his brother's wife. Duh.]

Jason says he hasn’t seen Ty for a little over a week. Man, they get shit done in a week, don’t they? It seems like longer than that.

Okay, why does Jason kiss his son on the lips? Call me a prude, but I draw the line at lip kissing your kids.

I’ve kind of made a pledge to myself to lay off on the little guy and not call him the R-word anymore. But, gawd, he’s not helping any.

Will Vancouver’s own Jillian have an upper hand since she must have spent some time in Seattle? I hope so. She’s my new favourite. I see from the poll that she’s not everyone’s favourite, though.

I hope Jillian sticks around just so Jason will get to visit Vancouver (or Peace River) next week.

Melissa gets the first date. She is just so damn cute. Maybe she’s my favourite.

Naomi’s already in bitchy mode over Melissa getting the first 1-on-1 date. But it is fun, I gotta admit, listening to her try to pronounce impor’ant not once but twice.

Jason is telling Ty he’s going to go out tonight and Ty doesn’t insist he stay home. That doesn’t strike me as realistic. But maybe he eventually does, judging by the earlier upcoming highlights.

Aw, see, that’s why I love Jillian. She’s helping Melissa get dressed and said, “You look gorgeous, love.” That’s confidence for you. Either that or she doesn’t care.

Ty is cranky. Quote of the season from Jason: “I don’t think Ty really has much of an idea of what’s going on.” This just in!

Jason asks Ty if he’s a grumpy pants today. Meanwhile he’s thinking, “If those cameras weren’t here, you’d get the biggest beating of your life, you little shit. You’re ruining this for me!”

Ooh, big mistake. Jason asks Ty if it’s okay if he goes “bye-bye”. I mean, not only is it a mistake to talk like an imbecile to a 3-year-old, but if you give him that option, guess what he’s going to choose? Daddy’s staying home.

Jason is spineless. He’s staying home. But I bet in real life he’d just go out. He’s just figuring he’d look like a total asshole if he left his kid again with the cameras rolling. Where’s Mommy when you need her? Oh yeah, he divorced her.

I can’t guage Melissa’s mood. Is she a little disappointed there will be no night on the town? Or is she just happy to chill out? I’m guessing the latter. If it were Naomi, she’d be pissed. But Mel doesn’t seem high maintenance. Stephanie says, “That’s real world.” Old people really are wise. Jillian seems a bit jealous that Mel gets to meet Ty. That Jillian is a catch, I tells ya. Plus she knows that the kid will probably be asleep by 8 then they can get it on.

Oh, now Chris says it’s going to be the most emotional rose ceremony ever. Wow. Intense and emotional! This oughta be good!... Or, chances are, just like all the others.

We’re only 15 minutes in to the show but it seems lots has happened. It’s a good one.

***

Wait a second. Melissa sees a note that says Jason is putting Ty down for bed. So why can’t they go out on the town? This reeks of conspiracy! I think the show’s budget was blown so they’re manipulating the Jason and Ty storyline.

Melissa thinks it was kinda cute seeing a couple of Ty’s toys lying around and half-eaten pizza left out. She should come over to our house. I’d be in her pants in no time.

Gorgeous Lauren really did suck me in, I’m realizing. I couldn’t get over her gorgeousness so I failed to appreciate the full-on cuteness of Melissa. But now I can’t stop thinking how cute Melissa is. Not just physically. Just overall cute in every way.

We’re getting to see a lot more of Ty here, as Jason lies with him and reads him a story. Some people think all little kids are cute. I’m not one of those people. Nuff said.

Well, look at that. Melissa’s nails are growing. So she might, afterall, be that girl he gets down on one knee to. Again.

Jason isn’t ready for any of the girls to meet little Ty yet. But of course, he says, he wants to show him off. What is he thinking? Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with his friends saying, "You gotta see the bay-bee!"

She’s looking in on him like she’s never seen a human child before, like they have this rare species kept in captivity in the upstairs bedroom.

The girls back at the house are all jealous. They all want to hang out at Jason’s house and be with the kid. All but Stephanie, who knows all too well about shattered dates due to whiny offspring.

Melissa says she’s the black sheep of her family. My God, I can’t imagine how perfect they must be if she’s the black sheep. She says she’s more outgoing and a free spirit. I wonder if they’re all tight-lipped and conservative, gun-totin’ Texans. That always makes for a fun home visit.

They make a cute couple, don’t they? She says she loves the little things. Jason look relieved. (That was a penis joke, by the way.)

Oh! Melissa has a lower back tramp stamp! She is the black sheep, afterall. Jillian moves to the top of my list.

***

Classy widower Stephanie, Vancouver’s own Jillian and high school golfer Molly get the next date.

Yikes. Stephanie went a little overboard on the rouge and lipstick. Maybe she’s compensating for having a penis.

Petulant Naomi is happy she’s getting the 1-on-1 lovin’. And just to show off her shoulder tatt, she’s wearing a saucy little off-the-shoulder number. And she’s gloating. It doesn’t become her.

Jason’s going to show the girls the best of Seattle from a boat. If they’re not comfortable on the cruise, then it’s not the right fit. Or maybe he meant Seattle.

Jason takes the lanky widow for a little chat. Actually, he takes her up to the cockpit (or whatever it’s called on ships) so Stephanie can steer. He’s a crafty one. Keep her busy with little things like that and he won’t get in those awkward situations where she’s expecting something other than a friendly hug.

Oh no, wait a second, in the last episode they actually smooched, didn’t they? I forgot about that. Do you think she got an erection?

Jason’s talking about Stephanie’s daughter and saying how it was one of his favourite memories going on that “date” with the two of them. Stephanie, while steering the vessel, is giving him the googly lovey-dovey eyes. Jason just keeps blabbering away trying his best to avoid it.

***

Jason is on the air, at a Seattle radio station, while Steph, Jill and Moll watch from a soundproof booth. Stephanie is smitten. She says Jason is one good-looking man. And she should know because she used to be one.

Okay, that’s too many jabs at her, um, striking features.

That radio host has a horrible voice. He sounds like Kermit the Frog.

Jillian is tiny next to the other two. Granted, everyone’s a midget next to the, er, statuesque Stephanie.

Who’s the best kisser? Jason says it’s Molly. Naomi and Mel are listening at home. There’s going to be a kissing contest. Hope they don’t slip Ty in there.

Vancouver’s own Jillian goes first. Next up is Stephanie who cheated by holding his hands. Molly goes last so she has to taste Stephanie’s lipstick. Jason goes three for three, identifying each one. Incidentally, that sure makes for good radio, doesn't it?

The radio host just asked what it’s like when the lights go out. As in, in the bedroom. Say what? Molly says she’s definitely a lingerie kinda girl even though it’s a little pointless and it “comes off right away.” Slut.

Jillian likes fun when it comes to sex. Playful, giggling fun.

Stephanie continues to try to suck up, saying that whenever she’s with a man she just wants to make sure he’s completely taken care of, even if she has to kiss every square inch of him. Because that’s exactly what men want in the sack... ?

Molly has the eyes of a cult member. I think she’s been brainwashed.

***

Molly and Jillian are holding hands as they head back to the hotel. That’s kinda hot.

Jason holds his knife and fork like a lowly commoner.

Jason grabs Jillian. He thinks something’s different with her. We haven’t seen that. Or at least I haven’t.

Jillian’s got character. That’s the polite way of saying crow’s feet around the eyes.

Jason asks if her expectations are too high. She’s answering every question like it’s a job interview. I’m not buying it. But I still like her. Who could possibly answer such ridiculous questions with all the lights and cameras around.

He likes her answers and they go in for the kiss. He digs her. Good.

She says she thinks he’d think her family is a “hoot”. She’s making us Canadians look like hicks talking like that. Shucks!

This extended kiss is exactly what’s missing from the times he has with classy widowed Stephanie. Unless the director is just not showing us that aspect to lead us all astray.

Naomi gets her date card. What don’t I like about Naomi? Can anyone help me out? How did she get this far? I hope their date is a disaster. Not that I have it in for her, because I don’t. Just because we need some good drama. And I don't like her.

Stephanie asks Jason how he could tell who kissed him in the kissing test. He says it was easy: different lips, different styles, different people. And Stephanie had stinky breath. I think he said that.

Molly gets stolen away. Here’s a classic exchange:

J: There’s the aquarium.
M: Is it really?

You can’t write that shit, folks. Why would he lie about that?

Molly’s got a cute body and she’s cute in her own way. I don’t dislike her at all, but at best my feelings towards her are neutral.

Molly’s talking about her family. Her folks didn’t approve of her last boyfriend and she said she won’t make that mistake again. So Jason best not blow it around them.

Did he ask everyone about their families except for poor dear Stephanie? What did I tell you? She’s a goner. And now the kiss with Molly, further rubbing it in the face of Stephanie.

***

Jason needs to know if Naomi is ready. Oh, I know, I know! Can I answer?

Da plane, da plane! The sea plane arrives for their date.

Jason thinks Naomi is AMAZING. She’s gorgeous and beautiful and fun. Huh. Go figure.

Stephanie is calling little Sophie and she asks, “Do you miss mommy?” Why can’t parents use pronouns?

Stephanie says Jason needs someone who’s “mature”. Sure, but he doesn’t need a cougar.

This is the first I’ve heard classy Stephanie bad-mouth another competitor. She doesn’t think Naomi is a good match for Jason. She’s right, of course, but it’s just weird hearing it from her. She usually stays above the fray.

Meanwhile back on the date, Naomi and Jason are climbing a wall. Climbing the wall is everything Naomi wanted in the date. Really. Oh nice, now she’s hanging from the cliff and spreading her legs for the camera.

They’re talking on top of the wall. Blah. Maybe it’s Naomi’s protruding jaw that I don’t like. She looks like Stan Laurel. With a shoulder tattoo.

***

Jason needs to find out a lot more about Naomi and her family. Ooh, get this, she’s been "independent" of her parents. Translation: bitchy towards them. I never would have guessed.

She could totally see herself happy just cooking at home. Not all that surprising considering she’s just a waitress in the sky now.

Back at the hotel, cutey-pie Melissa and Vancouver’s own Jillian are taking a bath together. That Jillian likes the ladies, doesn’t she? First holding hands with Molly; now bathing with Mel. Me likes.

They’re all talking about something but I can't hear a thing. I'm mesmerized by Melissa’s delightful cleavage in the bath.

Back on the date, Naomi and Jason are lounging on the floor. Yech.

But on the upcoming highlights, they show Naomi crying. Could this mean she’s gone? That would be too good to be true. Besides, if they show her crying, obviously they’re trying to mislead us.

***

Jason shows up at the hotel. He didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. He comes to take Jillian away. He doesn’t want his heart broken. Not again. He needs to make sure she’s there for him.

Jason says Jillian seems so strong all the time. But Jillian is getting a little teary-eyed now to drive the point home that she has human emotions. He thinks she’s unbelievable. So do I. I bet she’s a finalist. It would be a good thing if it were down to Jillian and Melissa.

Now they’re necking in a coffee shop. If I were there, I’d say something. Probably something original and witty like, “Get a room.”

***

Jason’s feeling the pressure knowing he has to let one of them go. He says he never saw tonight coming. He’s rehashing the week with Chris. Because, you know, Chris probably wasn’t paying attention. He just comes in and gets debriefed on the air. Slack-ass.

Concerns with Melissa: He’s waiting for something. Is she too good to be true? That’s quite a problem. Toss her.

I’m kidding! She’s totally cute!

***

We’re into the home stretch. Please let there be blubbering.

Chris tells the girls Jason is really struggling with his decision. It would have been hilarious if he had said, “I just talked with Jason back at his house. He said the decision was the easiest one he’s had to make.”

And here’s the man of the hour. I love how he phrases this: “I have to figure out which four of your homes I want to visit.” Hmm, let’s see, do I want to go to Texas? Canada seems kind of exotic. How about Michigan? I’ve never been there before!

Jason needs to talk to Naomi. What could that mean? He just wants stuff reinforced. Molly nailed it. She said, “Anyone he pulls out to go and talk to isn’t going to be somebody he sends home.” Bingo. That’s exactly what I thought. Molly thinks it’s her that's going roseless. Hmm. I wouldn’t think so, but maybe Jason thinks she’s too young.

Nah, it’s gotta be Naomi. Please.

Naomi says she’s absolutely ready to have a family and is over the single lifestyle. Jason’s bullshit detector must need new batteries. I think he bought that.

That was all for show and nothing more. What on earth did he think she was going to say? Gimme a break.

The first rose goes to... Jillian!!! Yay! And Naomi is already looking bitchy and pissed off, despite that almost assurance she just got. Although that could just be her regular bitchy look. It’s hard to tell with her.

Melissa is biting that cute lower lip of hers.

Second rose goes to... Melissa!! With my two faves still in the running, I can watch for another week.

Was Molly right?

Third rose goes to... Molly! Good. She’s growing on me.

Fourth and final rose? At least it’s between the two I hoped would go home. Stephanie has the most evil or sullen look I’ve ever seen her sport.

Last rose goes to... Naomi and her slutty tattoo.

Poor sweet Stephanie. I’m tearing up. I think he went a little far saying she’s a beautiful person outside and in. He’s half right. I really hope she finds love. I’m sure she will.

So was this the most emotional and intense rose ceremony ever? I don’t know. Who can remember. But it wasn’t all that intense.

God, that Stephanie is all class. Good-night sweet Stephanie. Note to producers: Please, please, please do not, under any circumstances, bring Stephanie back to be the next Bachelorette. She deserves better than that. Yeah, that's it.

Next week it’s the home visits. Judging from the highlights, they all look like disasters. And that can only mean one thing – awesomeness!

In the fun reel at the very end, Jillian completed her lesbian hat-trick by slurping the same piece of spaghetti with Naomi.

That’s it, folks. What did we learn this week? We learned that Jillian could go either way. We learned that Jason’s spineless. We learned that Melissa is possibly too good to be true. We learned that Naomi bears a striking resemblance to Stan Laurel. And we learned that true southern belles still exist. All in all, a good week.