Monday, March 2, 2009

The Most Dramatic Season Finale Ever...

So this is where it ends. What a journey we’ve been on. Tonight Jason (it’s Jason, right?) finally chooses between the two loves of his life. Or at least of this past season. Will it be the terminally cute Melissa? Or will it be the kinda cute Molly? Or is it possible last season’s love convinces Jason that she did, indeed, make a mistake choosing the ugly snowboarder, Jesse. Sounds like a soap opera.

I record each week’s proceedings, but immediately delete after viewing. But now I’m wishing I’d kept some of the early ones. I could have sworn the early teases showed DeAnna coming back to the house and many of the girls standing around shocked at her arrival. Was that just a figment of my imagination? Did I just wish it to be so? I’m pretty sure that’s how they played it up. And if, indeed, that was how it came to pass, can you imagine the editing that went into purging her presence and any further comment about her in the subsequent weeks? And the producers would have most likely told her they weren’t going to use that segment, but would she consider flying down to New Zealand to confront her ex as he prepares to pop the final question. It boggles the mind.

Look, I know these reality shows are in name only. “Reality” is hardly real. Still, if it comes out that they expurgated the early scenes of DeAnna coming back and orchestrated her trip to New Zealand, we should all boycott the show. And we should demand answers. You go first, though. I’m still going to watch. But I’ll support you through and through.

Okay, time to dry off my palms and get going. Let the action begin!

Chris assures us it’s the most dramatic season finale in Bachelor history! Can you believe it?

The girls meet little Ty today. Here comes Jason running down the beach and he tackles the little guy and starts lip-kissing the poor bastard. Then does he say “Bite me”? I couldn’t quite make it out, but that's what it sounded like.

Poor Jason is confused. He’s inviting Melissa on a golf date. Molly is going to be pissed.

Ty cheats at minigolf, by the way. He dragged that ball right into the hole. And Melissa gives it a full cheerleader pose.

Jason runs up the hill to get something for Ty. But not before lip-kissing him again. That poor kid. Then Jason introduces a lamb into the proceedings. Is that the tne wrinkle? This show is getting kinky.

Mel’s great with kids. She’s a keeper. Even if her parents hate her.


Now Mel meets Jason’s family, who all happen to be in New Zealand. What a coincky-dink!

Jason’s brother says they held back with DeAnna so this time they’re going to go after Melissa. They ask if she’s in love with Jason and she says something about being sweaty and clammy. I didn't think she should have brought up the fantasy suite, but that’s just me.

Now they’re grilling her on her parents. Irene, Jason’s mom, is doing the asking. Melissa insists they’re close and her folks are actually happy people. No, really!

Is this a new family? Did Jason hire actors this time around? I don’t remember them from last year at all.

Ty comes in the room and asks for Melissa. Irene looks on. Her heart grows two sizes. It’s like Melissa paid Ty off.

The dad likes Melissa. He gives his son a pep talk that ends in tears and a man-hug.

That was a successful home visit. In New Zealand. Jason says he’s “falling in love” with Melissa. But Melissa already loves Jason. Hmm.


Now it’s Molly’s turn. How will she fit in with Ty. She hasn’t been around little kids a lot. She says she’s excited but looks nervous.

As well she should. Ty gives her the cold shoulder. He won’t huck the Frisbee at Molly at first. But then he warms up.

She says they’re kind of a little family out there and this is how life could be. Yes, one continuous stroll on the beaches of New Zealand. Ah, the good life. That’s what it’s all about, Molly.


While Jason and Molly meet Jason’s family, Ty goes up for a nap. I’m a little jealous. He’s four and he still naps?! Lucky.

The brother asks Molly if she’s in love with Jason. She says she is. Then they press on and ask if she’s told Jason that. Of course, Jason hasn’t said it to either of the two remaining women. Double-standard.

Molly says she’s had a wild crazy party phase and she still likes to have a good time and go out and have fun. The brothers look horrified.

The siblings are telling Jason how much they like Molly. The sister says Molly loves him. Jason seems a bit surprised. The sister says, “She absolutely does. We all see it with HER.” Was that a shot at Melissa? Odd. If that’s true, the editors have lots of 'splaining to do.

The sibs are also planting the seed that maybe neither are the right one for him. Jason mumbles how awful that would be. Get DeAnna on the phone, stat!

Now Jason is crying with his mom. He doesn’t know what to do, who to choose. His mom says he has to trust his well-chiseled gut.

You notice that when Molly says she loves Jason, she can’t quite form the final word? I can’t type it. The “you” just sort of trails off. She’s not used to making such utterances but knows she has to if she wants to win this thing. Er, I mean, get to spend her life with Jason. Or at least the next six weeks.


Melissa is desperate. She calls up her mom. It’s like her parents don’t know anything of what’s happened judging by what she’s telling them. Did she even ask them to meet Jason that time? Maybe it was all a ruse. But her tears work this time. Now they’ll at least talk to Jason over the phone.

Melissa says she is so close to being so happy. Huh?

Mel and Jason are on a boat. It’s pouring rain but they’re whooping it up. We get to see Melissa in her bikini as well as her lower back tattoo. That’s the only thing I don’t like about her. But I could overlook it. There’s always laser removal.

Again, Jason says he’s completely falling in love with Melissa. Not in love, mind you, but falling in love.

Jason again goes for the “when in doubt, make out” thing. Melissa does all the talking, then Jason just shuts her up with a kiss. She says she’s waiting for him to say he loves her. I’m glad she noticed. It could ease the pain later on. He won’t say it, but he admits he’s never felt this way, either (whatever "this way" happens to mean). And he says it so quietly it must be true. Or maybe he's just hoping the microphones won’t pick it up.


Last date with Molly. It’s another miserable day, weather-wise. Better to prepare the two of them for a life in Seattle.

Molly’s taking the bull by the horns, so to speak. She tells Jason to “strip down, baby.” It seems out of character. She’s in a bikini on his back massaging him. She’s coming on a little strong, methinks. But Jason says she makes him feel loved.

And even though he says he can’t get enough of Molly, he will not use the dreaded L-word. He just says, “I am completely falling for Molly.” Hey, it’s a process, Jason. We know.

After the sexual massage, Molly goes to the kitchen to cook up some grub. She knows the way to a man’s heart.

During dinner, she says she’s giving 99 percent of herself, but wants to give the final one percent. They move to the couch. She tells Jason she’s in love with him and he kisses her to shut her up.

Molly brings out a little gift. A little book called A Fairytale Love Story. You won't see this one on the New York Times Best-Seller List. It’s a scrapbook of memories. It represents the beginning of the rest of their lives. Someone’s got too much time on their hands! (says the guy who blogs about a TV show from his sofa.)

Was that gift the final one percent? Or is there more? Heh-heh.

I love it how she nods her head when she says things, like “I love you”.


We’re getting close to D-Day! And we all know what that means. DeAnna Day!

Jason says there’s just one more thing he has to clear up. So he calls Mel’s parents. He’s good with them on the phone. Sounds like it went well. It made him feel better about everything. It’s given him the closure so he can move forward. He’s finally at peace with everything. There are just the three of them: Molly, Melissa and Jason.


The short stubby legs emerge from the limo. Who could they belong to?

Why, it’s DeAnna! Who could have guessed?!

Jason asks what she’s doing there. She chirpilly says, “I came to visit!” Uh, to New Zealand? Just happened to be in the neighbourhood? She better make sure she doesn't run into Jason's family.

Wait one second here, Missy. DeAnna says she was nervous because they hadn’t seen each other since After The Final Rose last season. So what about those clips I wrote about above of her earlier this season showing up and the girls getting all jealous? She saw him then, right? I’m so confused! Did this not happen? Was it all just a dream?

Listening to DeAnna, she sounds so much harsher than the other two. I always said she’d be a ball breaker. You can totally see that.

She says she came there because she lost out on a great man. So please don’t think she came there because she got dumped by Jesse. Okay? Put that out of your head.

She says there were a lot of things she would have done differently. She just thought she’d have fun. She didn’t look at what she needed. But Jason isn’t picking up what she’s laying down. He just talks about what he needs to do. But she persists, saying if she had chosen him, it would have worked. Get it, get it?! Now it’s starting to sink in.

“You haven’t proposed yet. You still have a chance. That’s why I’m here,” she purrs.

Jason takes the wind out of her sails, saying he thanks her for giving him this opportunity. And he quickly changes the subject back to which one he should choose.

Now she’s just giving advice on who to choose. And with that, she’s off. That was a long trip for a whole lot of nothing. They embrace. She leaves.

So where’s the drama?

Oh, the crying on the balcony scene is yet to come.

So long, DeAnna. We hardly knew ye.


Now he says he’s “absolutely in love with two women”. He won’t say the words to either one, though.

He describes Molly as “tomboy gone pretty”. I have nothing to add. I just thought it needed to be repeated.

Melissa mentions again that in every relationship she’s been the “dumpee”. And again I wonder why. What aren’t we seeing? Now I kinda want her streak to continue. She’s pitching a shut-out.

A woman arrives at Jason’s door in New Zealand with a briefcase full of engagement rings. She’s not a Kiwi. So they flew her down, too? I thought there was an economic downturn?

He says his life with Molly would be fun and exciting and passionate. I don’t see her as the fun and exciting one. She seems totally in control. Oh sure, there are the naked massages, but how long can that go on for?

Unfortunate voice-over synching: “Melissa’s got the biggest heart of all” as we watch Melissa in a bra getting dressed.

Jason’s made his decision. He knows what he’s going to do! Case closed then, I guess.

But now he says he feels horrible. He’s on the verge of tears. But still no balcony scene.


There’s the lone rose. Jason waits for his date with fate. Here comes the first limo.

Chris greets Molly. His greeting wasn’t exactly warm and friendly. Almost as if he felt really sorry for her. Let’s see what happens.

Still no balcony scene.

“Before you say anything,” says Molly. She talks about the amazing journey and says she wouldn’t take back a minute of it. Jason says she’s amazing in every way possible. Where’s the "but"? Here it is: “I don’t know how I could ever let you go. But I have to.”

She doesn’t cry. She looks hurt, but she’s thinking of what her daddy told her. She’s fighting back the tears. And wins! Molly TKOs the tears!

She says she doesn’t understand and says, nodding her head, “I think you’ve made a mistake. A big one.” She’s pissed.

She just doesn’t get it. She says, “I truly, truly care about you.” Now she starts slagging Melissa. She says she thinks he’s going to end up getting hurt again, and Jason does a thousand-yard stare out into the ocean. “Oh my God,” he thinks. “Could she be right?”

But he says, “All I can say is I think you’re wrong.” And Molly says, “I hope I am.”

Wow, where did that come from? Why would she insinuate something about our beloved Melissa? Everyone loves Melissa. Was Molly just desperately grasping at straws? Or is there something to it? Well, all I know is that we haven’t seen him bawling on the balcony yet. And this is supposed to be the most dramatic rose finale ever. So PVR, play on!

Jason looks a little pissed that Molly would sink so low as to trash Melissa on the way out. But he’s staring at her awkwardly as they walk. Maybe the internet rumours are true, that he proposes to Mel, then backtracks and goes back to Molly.

Molly smiles from the limo. Now will the tears come? I hope not. Oh, there are some, but not many.

Oh, here’s the balcony scene! That’s it? How’s he going to explain this to Mel once they’re together?

Molly is holding up way better than Jason. Her dad would be proud. She’s just in shock. “Apparently Jason was not in love with me,” she says. What gave it away, Molly? The fact that he never once said he was in love with you?

She says she thought he would be so much smarter about it, given that he’s already been hurt twice. But why, Molly, why? Spell it out for us? What do you know about Melissa?! Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Jason says it hurts so bad to know that he’s breaking Molly’s heart. Uh, Jason, it looks like she broke your heart more than the other way around. Molly will be fine.


Jason has no regrets. He’s going to be the happiest guy, he says. Yeah, yeah, get to the drama, would you?

Here it comes. Will he psyche her out with a “but”? He says there’s been something he’s wanted to tell her for a long time, and that’s that he’s completely in love with her. She immediately whoops and hugs him, jumping up and down. I think that would have been the perfect time for the “but...”.

Here comes the one knee thing. Where’s Ty? I thought he was getting all gussied up?

Jason says, “Will you make me the happiest man?”

And now the extend-o make-out scene. Ah, what drama. There are only six minutes left. Get on with it! Dump her and bring back Molly, just like the rumours told us.

Oh, here’s little Ty, running to greet the happy couple. Jason, Melissa and Ty jump in the pool, fully clothed. That’s how much they love each other. Or something. They'll live happily ever after...


Now After The Final Rose. I thought that was going to be next week, as per usual.

Normally, they would talk to the happy couple and celebrate their love. Here’s the drama: No studio audience.

Jason comes out solo. He’s sheepish. He’s upset. Something’s amiss.

He praises Melissa. Is this where he comes out of the closet?

Since this all ended, he says things have been different. He says they’re not right for each other. They spent a lot of time together, he says, and since then the chemistry has been different. No love and passion.

He is gay! How could he leave sweet, cute Melissa? He's going for the "tomboy gone pretty".

And guess what, folks! After investing all this time on the series and the blog, I didn’t realize the After The Final Rose show would be immediately following tonight’s episode. I figured it would be next week, like it usually is. So I got the very beginning of it on my PVR, and before I realized my mistake and started taping the last hour, I missed the next twenty minutes. So fill me in! I’ll go on from what I see.

Melissa is crying about something. Well, I know what. She was dumped. But I don’t have all the details. I hope you didn’t come to me for answers! I suck!

Melissa is in the limo. Apparently he broke up with her on the show. She says there’s something wrong with her. She's wrong (other than the back tattoo). No, I think there’s something wrong with Jason.

Mel’s parents were right not to be involved in this sordid affair. She's going to get one big "I told you so" when she gets home.

Jason looks all sad, but we’ve seen in talk show appearances that he says the woman is living with him in Seattle. So it’s got to be Molly. Or... DeAnna?

Jason is adament that he never lied to Melissa. Chris says Molly is backstage and hasn’t heard a thing and that Jason is going to get his “shot”. So I guess he talked about wanting Molly all along.


Ah, Chris just confirmed that Jason has said he wants Molly back.

Here comes Molly, not looking particularly good. They show her highlights and give a bit more than we saw in the show. On that last long trip to the limo after Jason dumped her, this time we see him ask her why and how he was going to get hurt again. On the show we just saw him passively watching. You see what editing can do?

So here we are with Molly. Chris asks if there are still feelings there. She still gets weak in the knees when she sees him. It would have been great if she had said she was through with that loser and he got what he deserved. Or at the very least she's moved on and found somebody else.

Molly says all she’s wanted was for Jason to call her or knock on her door and say he’s made a mistake and wants her back. Come on. Tell me they haven’t communicated. I don’t believe it. No other jilted lover has said that on this show. They must have at least texted each other.

She says Melissa is a great person and will love Jason forever. So what was all that nonsense about knowing he’d get hurt again? That conniving, no-good, sunuvagun.


Molly’s got to know something’s up just because there’s no audience.

Jason breaks the news to Molly, about how he ended things with Melissa. Molly looks to Chris. She’s confused. He ended things because he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Molly. But had he chosen Molly originally, I bet he wouldn’t have been able to stop thinking about Melissa. That’s just the nature of the beast when you’re in love with two women, isn’t it?

Jason awkwardly asks her on a date for coffee or a drink. Chris asks if he’s still in love with Molly. Awkward pause... Yeah.

Now it’s starting to dawn on Molly.


The ball’s in Molly’s court. She says she’s very confused and they still have a lot to talk about. But her feelings never went away. Now her hand is on his knee.

They’re looking like a couple again. They smooch. We should start a pool on when the news hits that they’ve broken up.

Now Molly does the “shut up” kiss after Jason says he’s falling in love with her still and it’ll never stop. And they live happily ever after...

Melissa as the next Bachelorette? Or Jillian? Ooh, tough call. I like 'em both.

Oh, part two tomorrow night! I want to see more of cute Melissa. I won’t forget to tape it this time. Sorry about the screw up tonight. Check back here tomorrow. The blog lives another day!

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