Week 5: Just! Tell! Her!

How many of you are like me and shout at the televised Chris Harrison to just spill the beans on Bentley to Ashley? You know he's dying to. She's telling him she's just not into the guys there because she needs closure on Bentley. Meanwhile, Harrison is sitting there biting his tongue. Just! Tell! Her!

What is the justification for staying mum? For the life of me, I can't come up with one. Harrison is like a confidante to all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes. He wants, he claims, for them to be happy and find love. The Bentley sitchy-ation is getting in the way of Ashley finding that special someone to break up with three weeks after the season ends. The producers' decision not to speak up is reprehensible and if it isn't the low point in a franchise filled with low points, it's damn close.

Sure, they want drama. Sure, they probably knew they'd bring him back one more time (there's always someone who makes a grand return to the scene of the crime). But if the comments they presented from him are in any way close to the truth, they should have told her straight up as soon as he left. If they're not representative of his true feelings, it'll be interesting to hear the spin next week.

But now we see he's coming back. And the fellas are mighty pissed about it. But we also know Ashley is engaged, if the magazines and tabloids at the grocery store checkout are to be believed (and they've never been wrong before). It surely can't be to Bentley, though, given his comments and her insecurities. So maybe it all works out for the best (or until at least three weeks after the season ends). And if it is Bentley, then the schadenfreude will be delicious when it all goes sideways, as it always does.

Apart from that one execrable storyline, this season has a rather sweet (some might say boring) quality to it. No high drama and the suitors are all decent chaps. I much prefer that to the bickering and infighting and train wrecks of most seasons. But I'm a pussycat, you all know that.

Let's move on with the rest of the episode.

I was too late, but next week let's start a tally of every time Ashley utters the word, "per-fact". I know she's young but she's almost a dentist. I don't know about you, but I don't want my dentist speaking Valley Girl.

This week they partied in Chiang Mai, Thailand, famous for monks and love, so they say. Full disclosure: I don't think I'd ever heard of Chiang Mai before so it's not famous to me at all. I accept all ridicule at my ignorance in the comments section.

Quote of the night goes to Chris Harrison: "I see by the reaction, most of you know what a two-on-one date means." Okay, so I have a dirty mind.

The one-on-one date with Ben F. was sweet and they seemed to have some chemistry. Nothing to see here. Let's move on.

The group date was a bit of a disaster as the boys had to partake in some Muay Thai kickboxing. The fey Ames had never been a fight before (full disclosure: neither have I). No surprise the guy with the biggest forehead in franchise history came away with a mild concussion. I thought he'd be a shoe-in for the rose, if only out of pity, but the heartless wench gave it to fellow dentist Blake.

The two-on-one was also a disaster. The funny and likable William became unlikable really quickly (but still kinda funny) when he started uncharacteristically talking trash. It doesn't suit him. He said, "I'm not throwing [Ben C.] under the bus or anything..." Instead, he threw him under an elephant. Crushed him. What's more surprising is that for the first time in series history, it worked. Like, instantly. While the heretofore forgiving Ashley was more than willing to give Bentley the benefit of the doubt when she was warned about his motivations, she immediately called off the 2-on-1 portion of the date and sent Ben C. home. His defense was that he was kidding when he said he was going to ... visit an online dating site? My memory fails me. It was something like that, right? Whatever, he apparently said it in jest. My question is where's the footage? Surely it was caught on tape. The producers are just phoning this season in. Not even trying.

The bad news for William was that even though his 2-on-1 turned into a 1-on-1, it wasn't enough. The spark was gone. Buh-bye William and good luck with your stand-up comedy career. Or selling cell phones. Whatever.

With Ben F. (who we can know thankfully refer to without the initial) and Dr. Blake already rosed, and Ben. C. and William already off the show, there were six roses to hand out and one man left out. I correctly predicted Nick would be the odd man out. And he was. He and his blond highlights took the walk of shame to the limo.

Next week we finally get to see how the Bentley situation resolves itself and if he continues to be a giant bag of slime, as they all head over to Hong Kong, a city I've heard of.