Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Bachelorette Andi: Brother, can you spare a mime?

Geez, I almost forgot about this. With that extra week to help the public forget about Andi's handling of Eric, it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. But don't worry. I watched and scribbled down notes. Just got out of the routine of putting fingers to keyboard after, that's all. By the way, did anyone actually watch the unnecessary catch-up episode last week? I saw about ten minutes of it before shutting it off.

With two weeks between real episodes, it was the first time in franchise history the interminable highlights at the top of the show were necessary. Those couple of minutes were actually helpful to get back up to speed on the shenanigans and personalities.

The gang was in Marseilles, France, this week. Marquel, who hails from Las Vegas, said, "Where I grew up, you don't think about travelling to Marseilles, France." Presumably because they already have fake Eiffel Tower.

Andi met Chris Harrison on the streets and they chatted. She was pinching herself, but forgot who she was talking to when she said, "Can you believe it?" that they're in Marseilles. Harrison let it slide, but inside he was thinking, "Yes. Yes, I can believe it. It's what I do."

Josh the Jock got the first one-on-one. The former baseball player compared one's wedding day to the SuperBowl. Interesting. I thought the World Series would have been a slam dunk comparison.

He taunted her about how he'd kick her butt in tennis, but she'd have none of it. Didn't matter. It was all a set-up for his humble-brag: "You think I would suck because I was a second round pick?" Um, okay. Sure. You'd suck at tennis because you were a second round pick in baseball? Andi fell for it, asking him where exactly he was selected. He was something like 48th overall, and he made a point to mention there were 15 rounds. Got it. You were better than most.

But he says he'd never consider playing again because he wants a family. And we all know that baseball players are forbidden to procreate, so that totally makes sense.

Andi was getting the Juan Pablo jitters. She usually goes for the jocks and it's never worked yet so she's thinking the attraction might be solely physical. It's that kind of logic that makes me wonder about her abilities as a trial lawyer. Correlation doesn't imply causation. Just like she hasn't sworn off all men just because her previous relationships were also all men (presumably).

She wanted to get into a deep conversation with Josh the Jock, but has she tried? It's always on everybody else in her world, isn't it? When she was the contestant with Juan Pablo, it was up to him to learn about her. Now that she's the Bachelorette, it's still up to the guy to lead the conversation. Maybe that's the southern way she was brought up, but no one's stopping her from leading a conversation.

Josh the Jock has been on a bit of a dry streak, date-wise. After his last breakup, he felt the next time he says "I love you," it'll be to the woman he wants to marry. And he just hasn't found it... until now. i.e. Andi. And why not? It's been about a month since they've known each other and have spent probably multiple hours together. She gave him a rose.

What? It's not these guys?
Close enough. Book 'em.
To make things even more romantic, in the country of love, filled with the most amorous music on Earth, they flew in an American singer for a private concert. Ben Fields, who presumably gets a lot of work based on the similarity of his name to Ben Folds. Still, why an American? Who cares if the viewers couldn't understand a French artist? I listen to French music and I don't understand a word. It's still great.

Drama was brewing at the guys' residence. JJ the Shit Disturber told Marquel something he thought he heard the evil Andrew say after Ron got a rose one week: "Whoa, she gave it to the two blackies." JJ the Shit Disturber admits that it's possible Andrew said "black guys" and he misheard it. Marquel felt disrespected at being called "blackie." You see where this is going?

Marquel was a true gentleman throughout. On the group date he kept his distance from Andrew and didn't let the rumour affect his enthusiasm. As for the date, and speaking of racism, the nine Americans dressed up in stereotypical French striped shirts and berets and performed mime (!). Sacre bleu, mon ami! Mon Dieu! C'est dommage! And oh brother. Spare us.

Farmer Chris said, "There are no mimes in Iowa, I guarantee." Musclebound Cody said, "I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime, you know what I'm saying?" Uh, no. No, I do not. But that's okay.

They then had what appeared to be a mime-off, not that the "crowd" cared. It was all for Andi. JJ the Shit Disturber went to his go-to character, "The Old Guy." I think Marquel was doing "The Robot." That's about all I could figure out.

Nick wasn't into it. Despite looking the most like a true mime than anyone else, he was pouting because he had to share his time with the other doofuses. Andi was calling him "Salty Nick." I thought she was saying "Sulky" at first until she repeated it later in the show. "Sulky" would have made more sense, but again, maybe it's a southern thing. He definitely sulked.

That night, JJ the Shit Disturber grabbed Andi right away "to create an experience that's uniquely theirs." He took her outside to a giant Ferris Wheel, with individual spinning compartments. No idea how long that excursion lasted. I wonder what the rest of the guys were thinking.

But they didn't notice because they were bickering with each other. Musclebound Cody was getting into Slick Nick's face for thinking he's better than everyone else. Nick was called "smug" and "arrogant." Hey, you know what they say: When in France, do as the Frenchmen!

I think someone spiked Musclebound Cody's drink with an extra shot of testosterone because he was jacked up over Slick Nick teasing him about something (my notes aren't what they should be). Nick didn't deny it. He said he was just teasing and he apologized.

When Cody brought it up with Andi, he used the classic, "Nick's a great guy and I'm not saying anything bad about Nick, but..." and then proceeded to say bad things about him. Andi had a very perceptive question to him: "Why did it come to a head tonight?" No answer. And no reason. That's why I think it must have been the slipped testosterone in his drink. No other explanation.

Andi called Nick out on his attitude. She said it's hard for her to watch him on group dates. Again, he rolled with the punches and admitted his errors. She was also concerned that "two of the nicest guys in the house" (Farmer Chris and Musclebound Cody) would say negative stuff about him. Again, he took responsibility. She had to wonder if he was a master manipulator. I didn't think so until he then took out a piece of paper and read her... a poem? I think it was a poem, anyway. Or was intended as one. It certainly passes for one on this series. Someone should actually publish a book of all the lame poetry on this show over the years.

Each line of Nick's "poem" began with "When I see you..." That's all I got. That's all you need to know, too. And it melted Andi. Manipulation complete. Of course. Oh, how I'd like to see someone like Sharleen be the object of poetry, and the derision she'd rightfully give it.

Marcuszzzz (the Human Snore) sipped wine with Andi and told her he was falling in love with her. Andi stifled a yawn.

Marquel felt the need to confront Evil Andrew. Wisely, he instructed the others not to chime in, which was great. He said what he had to say, let Andrew say what he had to say, then ignored Andrew completely, and it all ended civilly.

With Andi, Evil Andrew told her he'd been attacked and he's not sure why. "The whole drama kinda stinks," he said. He said he's not sure he can be in "this, for lack of a better word, competition."

The rose went to someone who makes her feel special, JJ the Shit Disturber.

The last one-on-one went to Coach Brian. It was a movie date. Yep, more crass cross promotion (crass promotion?) with some movie that will die at the box office. It had something to do with cooking and love, so the pair left the theatre and went grocery shopping for sea urchins and frogs legs and such. Brian was out of his comfort zone, which, I'm guessing, consists of a gym and locker room and that's about it. He's not a cook. Big deal. But he seemed terrified. He couldn't just go with it and have fun with his incompetence. He was standoffish and timid – not what Andi was expecting. And if we've learned anything about Andi the past season and a half it's that her expectations dictate her life. God forbid anyone not live up to her expectations.

But she made a go of it. They sit down to eat, she says, "Bon app├ętit!" and he counters with, "Why not?" What a gamer! Finally she suggests they go out to a real restaurant. There he tells her that he wanted to kiss her every second. "Why didn't you?" she screams. "I'm a coach," he says. "I strategize." True, but that's before the game. If something comes up during a game, you're going to have to make the call, coach.

Andi still believes in the two of them so she gave him a rose. It was enough to give Brian confidence going forward. It's "all or nothing from this point forward," he said. He's going to take the initiative from here on out. And with that, he stood up, marched her into the restaurant, stood behind a counter and kissed her. Uh, Coach, strong move, but pretty pointless. I thought he was taking her somewhere special. Maybe he thought there was a Ferris Wheel inside or something.

Andi told Chris Harrison there was no need for a cocktail party because she's sure who needs to go home. I still don't get that. Here they are in the south of France in some ancient castle for the evening and she absolutely must send three guys home now rather than, say, three hours later.

So no cocktail party. Just as well we didn't have to see more of JJ the Shit Disturber's pants. I swear these pants of his are going to put him out of business. And hey, why isn't anyone suggesting he's there for the wrong reasons? He's clearly just trying to promote his ridiculous pants venture.

My prediction was that the three men to get the axe would be Cody, Chris and Patrick. I was one for three.

Josh the Jock, JJ the Shit Disturber, and Coach Brian were all safely rosed. There would be five more roses handed out, in order, to:

  1. Marcuszzzz, the Human Snore
  2. Slick Nick
  3. Farmer Chris
  4. Some guy named Dylan
  5. Musclebound Cody
That's seriously got to be one of the weakest final eight in franchise history. Only three are contenders in my opinion: Josh, Brian and Nick.

Getting sent home were:

  • Evil Andrew, who told her she's the best. He told us he was being bullied and it's not fair and it sucks. At least he's still got that hostess's phone number.
  • Patrick, who was sad that Andi didn't get to fully experience him. He "heard from many people – NOT JUST GIRLS! – that [he] has qualities that are really paramount to being a husband."
  • Marquel. I don't understand this one. He was one of the normal ones left. He said it just wasn't in God's plan. I couldn't help but think during his classy farewell that... NEXT BACHELOR! It would be historic having a black Bachelor. And he's great. Good looking. Normal. Sense of humour. They really have to consider him, I think.
That's it for this week. Anyone have any idea when the next episode is airing? Next time they'll be in Venice where they'll take a lie detector test. I wonder if Amanda Knox will be watching?


HP said...

I really appreciate the effort you put into this blog - it's hilarious! My fave bits this week were Marcuzzzzzz (so true) and coach making a call during the game. You hit the nail on the head every damn week. Thanks!

Barbara said...

A lie detector test???? Is she kidding? Can't wait to see that! I am completely on board for Marquel to be the next Bachelor. He is a handsome gentleman with a sense of humor. Perfect.