Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo: Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

Did everyone enjoy their two-week break? I sure did. As a Canadian, July 4th to me is the day after July 3rd. I don't even think of it unless I hear the date. So I tuned in dutifully at the anointed hour only to think I had dementia. The show was on but it seemed all too familiar. Finally figured out it was a repeat about 45 minutes in.

I exaggerate. Slightly.

But after two weeks, I was ready to get back to work. And it took me only about 45 minutes to figure out who everyone was again.

While in the lineup at the grocery store, I saw a magazine cover that all but said Jordan was a fraud. I didn't read it, but that's what everyone was saying last week. No signs of it this week at all. What do you think? Is Jordan more of a fraud than the rest? Or is Jordan the same as everyone else? Post your answer to the comments section.

Hometowns are right around the corner (next week). We know JoJo is going to want to meet Jordan's famous brother, so he's a shoe-in. Or so I thought until he told her doesn't have a relationship with his sibling. Whoops.

Chris Harrison enters for his two minutes of screen time to justify his free trip to Buenos Aires. He tells the fellas there would be three 1-on-1 dates but without roses. The 3-on-1 group date, however, would come with the flower. I figured everyone would want the group date this time for a 1 in 3 chance of guaranteeing a trip back home. Nope. They all pined for some alone time. Saps.

Wee Alex was the only one left who hasn't had a 1-on-1 so he was desperate. He got the first one. I wrote in my notes, "I hope he goes home." And you can tell right off the bat it's headed that way. They're taken on a long drive. To pass the time, they munch on Pringles in the back seat. Alex tries to kiss her with Pringle duck lips. She nips that in the bud.

Throughout their date, we're witness to the other five taking a bus to see some sights. For no reason at all. The bit with them goes absolutely nowhere, even as they're driven to a "sketchy" barbecue spot (where even a dog wouldn't touch the mystery meat) and to a polo club. Can you say filler? Can you say network TV time killer? Hey, that rhymes. Reminds me that they all were "rapping" on the bus ride as only five white guys can. The only thing worse was the cut to Wee Alex "freestyling" with a weak couplet.

Alex and JoJo finally arrive at a ranch, ending their awkward silent drive. They're told by the authentic gauchos that they'll never be gauchos because gauchos are born, not made. But they can make-believe! Luckily for all, the ranch had some little boy gaucho outfit for Wee Alex to wear. Another sign that JoJo had no romantic interest with Alex was her calling him a "cute little gaucho."

The next segment will go down in Bachelor/ette lore as perhaps the weirdest ever. A real gaucho got down and dirty with a horse. The horse "gives into him." What the actual hell? He gets the horse on its back, gets on top of it, and sweet talked it until it was lying down spent. JoJo and Alex are instructed to lie down and "spoon" with the majestic animal. And they comply! Then they kiss over top of the horizontal horse. Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

"Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life. It really is," says Alex, in a textbook moment of foreshadowing. But then they kiss and JoJo looks happy, so who knows? Then again, I think JoJo would be happy kissing anyone.

Alex gets ahead of himself, saying he'd love to "crack a cold one" with her brothers and watch some football. He clearly didn't watch last season. Then it all comes crumbling down. He needs her to know that he's falling in love with her. Gulp. She never expected him to say that, she says. And why should she? It was just the week before hometowns. Five other guys left. Tons of time left!

She tells him it was the best day she's had with him and he gets momentarily excited because he heard the words "best day" without the qualifier. It's also the only day she's had with him. Details, details. She tells him she doesn't feel as excited as she should feel given the situation. His arm drops off her neck as realization sets in. Then she feeds him the old line of letting him go now instead of keeping him around for another two days because she respects him so much. I think I'd feel more respected if she kept me around under the illusion that she's really thinking about who to send home, like it's a tough choice. Plus it's an extra couple of days in Argentina.

She walks him to the car and leans down to hug him goodbye. He can't look her in the eye – and not just because she towers over him. He mutters, "Take care," and gets in the vehicle. She cries, saying, "I don't know how to do this... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

Jordan the alleged fraud gets the next 1-on-1 date. He's driven in a white stretch limo to an airfield where JoJo is waiting by a private jet that will whisk them away to Mendoza for a wine tasting and smushing. That's right, they take off their shoes and crush grapes with their bare feet just like Lucille Ball did. Note to self: Never drink Argentinian wine. That's just gross. And to make matters grosser, they dip wine glasses into the newly mushed grapes and scoop up some grape juice/toe jam concoction. Who else just threw up a bit?

At dinner, he reveals that his older brother is hilarious and that he has no relationship with the younger, famous NFL star brother, Aaron. JoJo dries right up.

He also says he "walked away from" football. That's code for being cut by three teams. He showed them! I just Googled him and found out he also played for my hometown BC Lions in the Canadian Football League. But further reading revealed he made the practice roster, then attended a mini camp before "abruptly" quitting. He told JoJo he could have kept playing but that football doesn't define him. Yes, I'm sure any team in the CFL would have loved to have had him on their practice roster.

But before she can absorb all this potentially disastrous information, he tells her, "I am so in love with you." She gazes into his eyes and says, "That makes me so happy." She grabs his chin and brings it next to her chin. They chin each other.

The group date is Chase, Robby and Not James Taylor. It's a kind of slumber party. It starts off with some greasy junk food. She shoves about 25 french fries into Not James Taylor's mouth and that's possibly more disgusting than the toe jam vino. They also play charades and Truth or Dare, where she dares Robby to strip down to his gaunch and run through the hotel hall knocking on doors. He throws in a mooning for good measure.

Not James Taylor keeps "joking" that Robby has a wandering eye for the Argentinian ladies. It may or may not be true, but NJT won't let up. JoJo doesn't like it if it's true. But I don't think it's going to matter one way or the other. The four of them lie on the bed watching the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. So Argentina, a Spanish-speaking country, gets Brazilian (Portuguese speaking) TV?

JoJo takes Robby outside, perhaps to test his wandering eye. They talk about his last relationship. He broke up a 3-year relationship just a few months ago. He says in three years he never saw her house and met her mother only once. He probably never saw her penis, either.

Chase and JoJo sit inside. He's serious but plays it cool. He's committed but not desperate. They kiss romantically.

Not James Taylor and JoJo also sit inside on a couch, only she sits farther away from him than she did with the others. They talk like friends. And not particularly close ones. He tells her he's "very much in the process of falling for" her. They kiss, but barely. Body language experts could have a field day with her.

My prediction was that Chase would get the rose. Wrong. It went to Robby because she wants to meet his family. Maybe so she can find out for sure if he really likes girls. Since Robby got the rose, he also got more alone time with JoJo. Not James Taylor and Chase took a van back to the hotel. James figures either him or Chase will be going home at the rose ceremony. He's not so dumb after all.

Luke gets the last 1-on-1. JoJo introduces him to Snowflake, a miniature horse. That was nice of her to have this date with Luke and not Alex. That would have been cold.

They go off riding full size horses. Luke knows what he's doing. He's like a horse whisperer, only he doesn't use his powers to bed horses like that other freak.

They ride to a shooting range to do some skeet shooting, and Luke is a natural there, too. They kiss on a haystack. But the date is shorter than the other two. No night time portion. The rose ceremony is that night. No cocktail party, though, because she knows what she's gonna do. She's going to send Not James Taylor home because, presumably, she doesn't respect him as much as Wee Alex.

Robby was the only one with a rose. The other roses went in order to:
  1. Luke
  2. Jordan
  3. Chase
Goodbye Not James Taylor. Good luck with your record contract. She walks him out and cries. She says he touched her heart and made her a better person. I'm surprised it took me this long but I suddenly realize that if they made a movie of this season, Not James Taylor would be played by John C. Reilly.

He thanks her for being so sweet to him. It's all very positive through the tears. Mind you, she's not crying because she thinks it may be the wrong decision or she was anywhere near close to choosing him. She's crying because she feels sorry for him.

Next week: The hometowns! Let's see who has the biggest train wreck family. In the highlights, we see JoJo breaking down in a blue gown saying her heart is broken. We're led to believe this has something to do with Robby but surely she has more sense than that. We'll see.


HP said...

Same here, Guy. I got a new tv on the 4th and frantically got it set up, only to find no show. wah wah.

I think Jordan has got all the right words and I can't decide yet whether it's a good or bad thing. From what I've seen so far he seems to be Mr Positive On Camera At All Times. I wonder if it's a bid to become next Bachelor and he doesn't realize he's actually leading the race (from my perspective.)

This season seems to be losing steam. I'm just awaiting Paradise now.

Kelly said...

"Yes, I'm sure any team in the CFL would have loved to have had him on their practice roster". Awesome. The two weeks off served you well, this was perhaps my favorite recap ever...
I hate to think that Jordan is insincere, but unfortunately he is not doing much to make me think otherwise - seems that he wants to achieve fame separate and apart from Aaron, however, I'm not sure this compares to that NFL career...perhaps he should have become a doctor or philanthropist, you know, something where during conversation about Aaron sounds better than "well, you know I was on the Bachelorette..."

Can't wait for that hometown...