Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise: Yet again

What?! Another episode? Good lord! Okay, let's get this over with...

Daniel is growing on me. Unlike Chad, who is always falling back on the "it's just jokes" excuse, Daniel is actually pretty funny. And not in a destructive way. Odd, yes. Weird, sure. But not overly. He tells Sarah that she likes him. You read that right. Not that he likes her. But he does compliment her obliquely, saying you gotta be unique and special to understand him.

Christian is the new kid on the block. Christian is a big fan of this blog... Maybe. At the very least, he's 'liked' four or five tweets alerting Twitterdom to various blog updates. Whether he's actually read them or not is unknown, but I appreciate the 'likes'. (Hint: we're @BachelorBlogger)

Sarah immediately takes a shine to Christian. That can't be good for Daniel, but he eventually turns it into a positive, as we'll find out.

Daniel wants to help Evan be "less Evan-ish." See, the guy is big-hearted.

We get the day-after recounting of Carly's date from hell with Evan. After she talks about the horror of it all and their record-breaking kiss, the editors cut to a literal dead fish. Carly said Evan, in his job as an erectile dysfunction expert, is only concentrating on men boners, not on "lady boners." So she hunts him down to break up with him. Clearly she's not just there to take any rose she can get. She's got principles.

She tells Evan she'd like to be friends. She actually lets him down gently. But just wait till he watches the season.

He tells the camera he's not there to find friendship. Then he weeps at the prospect of going home to his kids. I mean, at going home, period. But he has kids, so therefore...

Apparently, Evan tried to kiss Carly after she threw up on their date. That is so romantic! She asks Daniel if Evan's doing okay. Cut to him crying on his cot.

Meanwhile, Sarah and Christian are having fun on their adventure date, zip-lining and rapelling and all that sort of stuff. He thinks she's sexy hot. She digs him, too. Interesting to note that she doesn't kiss guys she's really into any better than she kissed the last one.

Funny Daniel said he was just "back at the mansion with his dick in his hand." Did they take that clip from his season with JoJo? What mansion is he talking about?

New guy alert, even though we just got a new guy with Christian. Brandon shows up. I actually recognized him. Not sure from what season or what he did, but he looked familiar. But Chris Harrison plays up not recognizing him at all.

Carly perks right up at seeing a new face. Brandon talks first to twin Haley, and then to Carly. Apparently Brandon knows Carly's brother, who, it turns out, was also on a season of the Bachelorette. Who knew? Their parents must be so proud!

But Brandon asks Haley out on a date, not Carly. So it's back to square one. No, not Evan. She'll never go back to that square.

Before the date, one of the twins (at first I thought it was Haley but now I think it was Emily) got super drunk on one beer. And super horny.

Nick wants a rose even though he's said Amanda's the only one there he's interested in and her tongue has been firmly implanted in Josh's mouth the entire episode. Hello Carly?!

When Sarah gets back, Daniel goes in for the kill. He wants to show her his serious side. Even then, he's still cracking jokes. She laughs a lot around him. His explanation? He was dropped on his head a couple times.

He starts to peel back some layers on himself and that makes Sarah feel "giddy." He tells her "hands-down" she's the best girl there. She tells him that as great a time as she had on her date with Christian, she thinks it would have been better with Daniel. Daniel, though, doesn't kiss her out of concern for her health. He has a cold, but jokes he doesn't want to give her the Zika virus.

Brandon takes out Haley, his favourite of the twins. He swears he can tell them apart. So Haley and Emily do the old switcheroo. Haley excuses herself after a very formal conversation ("I appreciate that. That's very flattering.") then she and sis trade clothes. Emily comes back and Brandon's none the wiser.

Interestingly when Emily first makes her appearance as Haley, she finishes a sentence with "eh?" Yet the twins just yesterday were making fun of Daniel for saying "eh."

The show (only an hour, mercifully) ends with Evan preparing to steal Amanda from Josh. Because why not? What's he got to lose? He already has nothing. But it's To Be Continued. I'm sure it'll end well.

But wait, there's more! An hour of inane banter follows on After Paradise. No Chris Harrison this time. It's co-hosted by the dull Sean Lowe and the fast-talking and extremely glib Michelle Collins. Interestingly, later in the show, they make fun of several participants for not knowing the definition of "glib." All they have to do is show them three second of Collins talking. She is the very definition of the word.

The show features sit-downs with Chad, Jubilee, Lace, Leah, and Sarah. Plus there are some deleted scenes from the show. We start with Jorge the bartender saying Chad was rude (never said please or thank you and never looked him in the eye) and couldn't hold his alcohol.

Before bringing out Chad, Collins said she was slightly scared, and "I'm not even being funny." I feel she could say that about everything that comes out of her mouth.

Chad's excuse was that he was drinking. But doesn't drunkenness reveal who you are more than bring about some other version of yourself? It was stony cold between him and Lace. Collins said Chad points fingers at everyone else but never at himself. Although in this hour, he did manage to apologize for calling Sarah a "one-arm bitch," although no mention was made of "Army McArmerson," although presumably he's sorry for that, too.

Who is Spencer Pratt? He's another reality show villain. And he likes Chad. For each person (and there seem to be a lot of them) who likes Chad, I shake my head and think this explains Donald Trump's success.

Collins asks Lace if Chad deserves another chance. Lace, sitting one foot away from Chad, says he doesn't deserve to be back on any sort of Bachelor show again. Well put.

One video clip was called "Daniel explains it all, eh?" Get it? Because he's Canadian and all Canadians, as everyone knows, say "eh" all the time. They can't help it! So we see Daniel being Daniel, comparing everyone to birds. And guess what? Not a single "eh." So in two hours of programming tonight, one American twin leads one Canadian in the "eh" department 1-0.

Sean Lowe said he wants to give Evan a good haircut and get him to shave his beard. Because Sean Lowe is so hip and cool.

That's about it. I'll definitely be watching and writing next week because the lovely Caila is returning! She's the best!


Anonymous said...

Could you please leave politics out of it? If I know you like Clinton, I feel like Carly after the kiss w Evan. I dont care about politics when I'm reading recap. Thanks in advance

Guy MacPherson said...

I can't guarantee that, Anonymous. Trust me, I don't go into a post with an alterior motive. I just write and what comes out, comes out, for better or worse. Keep in mind, I'm not American. And also keep in mind that I said nothing about Clinton, so you can't assume anything about my opinion on her. I do have an opinion on Trump, though, and have had for years and years. And it's been consistently negative. And it would be if he were running for the Democrats from when he was a Democrat. So it's not politics, per se, it's just a reference to a guy who is running a political campaign at the moment.