Week 10: The tears of a clown

Are we really here so soon? This season has flown by. This time next week we'll know who Brad picked. Chris Harrison, the eternal prankster, tried to trick us earlier on that this would be the most something-or-other season (I lose track of all his bloviation), leading us to believe maybe, just maybe, Mr. Brad couldn't go through with it a second time. But tonight we learn that he has a "significant other". What a letdown. Anyway, onto my random thoughts of the Ladies Blabber and Blubber:

* I very nearly boycotted writing anything about this episode. As the clock ticked by and my sweetheart Shawntel the Undertaker sat there looking beautiful without uttering a word, I got madder and madder. The frickin' Nanny got a segment, for crying out loud! Didn't the Undertaker go further? Wasn't her tramp stamp a perfect match for Mr. Brad's back fresco? I convinced myself they were saving her for a big announcement at show's ending that she'd be the next Bachelorette. But nothing. Nada. I'm pissed. Then I take a step back, and a deep breath, and tell myself that she stayed classy until the end (well, except I'm assuming she still has that awful back tattoo), stayed above the fray. And it made me love her even more.

* It's boring to constantly complain about the upcoming highlights, but was there anything they showed in the Crazy Michelle 2.0 segment that they didn't show in the teaser? I don't think so.

* In Mr. Brad's pre-show segment, he talked but said nothing. Letterman would call it a Network Time Waster.

* Countess Madison forgot her fangs at home. But it seemed like several of the other girls had them out.

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 was obviously coached. She stuck to her talking points all night: She was there for "the right reasons" (glad that tired phrase finally made a comeback this season), and she played the Daughter card. For the record, she told us she was there for the right reasons four times, by my count, and mentioned her daughter seven times. Throw in uncontrollable sobbing (although it took a while for the actual tears to fall) and it just may have worked. The crowd seemed to come around to her "sense of humour" by the time she was done.

* Crazy Michelle 2.0's defense was that people didn't understand her sense of humour. All those scathing remarks directed at every single female there were just jokes, people! Lighten up! On a related note, average looking dudes who happen to be funny hate it when women say they love guys with a sense of humour because it's demonstrably untrue. At least in the romance department. You just don't see beautiful women with average-looking funny guys. What it invariably turns out to be is that the gals believe their studly dates are hilarious when, in fact, they are unbelievably bland and humourless. Good looks will do that. And it seems to have worked in reverse to Chris Harrison, who told the weeping Crazy Michelle 2.0 he found her "hysterical". No, Chris, you didn't. Your Wee Willy Wonka did. You were blinded by her beauty.

* Harrison, though, did exhibit some Svengali-like ability to mind-meld. I loved his exchange with the Imposter Posing as Ashley H. the Putative Dentist:

CH: Was it love?
AH: I don't know.
CH: Yes, you do.

That's gold right there. But it gets better:

CH: I hate to break it to you, but you were in love.
AH: I know I was.

Wow, he's good.

* Did you like Ashley's new look? Brown hair, bangs and enough red lipstick for someone who actually had lips. I think I prefer the old Ashley, but Harrison and Mr. Brad pretended to go ga-ga over the make-over. But what were they going to say, really? They couldn't ignore it.

* Back to Crazy Michelle 2.0. They showed a clip of her admitting to giving herself the black eye, just as we all suspected. But I don't remember that clip ever being shown during the season. Did I just miss it? She said, pointing to her shiner, "If I can do this to myself...". Then later in the show she claims ignorance again at how she got it.

* What about that big feud between Raichel and Melissa? Huh?! If you're like me, you were going, "Who? I don't recognize these people." Thank God they showed a little recap to refresh our memories... and even then I had no idea what the supposed feud was about. They didn't like each other but we didn't see why. It seemed the torch crowd was against monster Melissa, but I thought she came off better than Raichel, who was emoting and rolling her eyes at everything. Still, Raichel came through with the line of the night:

I've thought about this in great depth: There are some people you gel with and some people you don't.

Ah. Got it. Clearly, she gave it some real thought.

* Harrison introduced Crazy Michelle 2.0 as "one of the most controversial and talked about women of the season". To which I say, "Mission: accomplished". It was pretty apparent, despite her protestations to the contrary, that was her modus operandi from the beginning.

* It was heartwarming to witness Chris Harrison's nurturing side when Crazy Michelle 2.0 thought of the death of a childhood pet in order to weep uncontrollably. Stacey the Barkeep kept going on about how her mother raised her and how she would raise her own daughter (but in no way casting any aspersions on the way Crazy Michelle 2.0 parents, understand), Harrison leaned over and consoled the future B-movie star, turning back to Stacey with a harsh, "Really?" He may also have (although this is unconfirmed at press time) popped a woody.

* Runner-up for Best Line of the episode goes to Crazy Michelle 2.0 for this gem:

"All of us have said an equal amount of things we regret about each other. For some reason I'm being targeted... Think if you were me."

Exactly. Just think of that for one second, you sanctimonious bee-atches.

* As a former sports reporter, and someone who has seen his fair share of absolutely bone-shakingly stupid questions sports reporters ask, I thought I heard them all. But former sports reporter Chris Harrison showed he's still got what it takes to be a professional jock sniffer. Check out this beauty of a question to the Nanny, who was absolutely shattered and full of self-doubt after being dumped by Mr. Brad:

Do you think you deserve to be happy?

"No, Chris, I don't. I'm a horrible, horrible person." What a Communist that Chris Harrison is! Isn't the Pursuit of Happiness, besides being a kick-ass 1980's power-pop band from Edmonton and a really shitty movie from 2006, also entrenched in the U.S. constitution? Words can't express how awesomely awful that question was, so I'll just leave it at that.

* I already miss the Undertaker!

That's it. Mr. Brad has picked a bride and we'll find out next week who it is. When he said she has "changed my life", I thought it had to be Miss Emily. I mean, she's got a 5-year-old and that would definitely change his life. But then I thought about Chantal's parents' wealth. Yep, that's a life changer, too. If he chooses Chantal, I think Emily will be fine. I can't see her even crying if she's not picked. But the other way around? Look out!

Week 9: Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust

That was quite the episode, wasn't it? If Mr. Brad actually possessed emotions, that would have been a real emotional roller coaster. Let's waste no time. On with the random thoughts:

* Mr. Brad said at least a couple of times he's terrified of ending up alone. Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? I've never understood that expression before but I think I do now. Shouldn't he just concentrate on getting to know someone, liking them a lot, wanting to hang out with them, and see where that leads? He likes all the women. It wouldn't be unreasonable to think he might not know yet if one is marriage material. There's too much pressure to make the final rose an engagement, methinks.

* Mr. Brad is sticking to script no matter what was revealed last week. He called almost-dentist Ashley "an accomplished, professional woman."

* Loved Chantal's reaction to Mr. Brad's announcement of their date: a safari in South Africa. She looked dumbstruck. And, really, why wouldn't she be? I mean, who would have guessed that a safari would be in the cards when they're staying at a game reserve in Africa?

* Also loved Chantal's take on giraffes. Mr. Brad said they were gorgeous creatures and Chantal said, "In a weird way. You know what I mean?" No, no I'm not sure I do, Chantal. Weird? I don't quite get what you're saying about those animals with the eight-foot long neck.

* I'm sure every precaution is taken but one of these seasons there's going to be a tragedy on this show. I'm not sure having a picnic out in the wilds of Africa is the smartest date in the world, even if you do have a guide with a shotgun standing by. And here's a PS in case you didn't know: The number one killer in Africa is the hippopotamus. It's true. Look it up. They thought the one lurking behind them was so cute and cuddly.

* So much to love about this season, not the least of which is Mr. Brad's stiffness: "I'm an extremely happy guy right now," the Tin Man told Chantal tight-lipped without a hint of smile or a twinkle in his eye.

* Speaking of bad ideas, sleeping outside in a treehouse on a game reserve? Not I, thank you very much. Not only would I be freaked out a lion would climb the stairs, but the bugs would be problematic at best. At worst, there's the tse-tse fly.

* Chantal is in such a hurry to get hitched and I think I know why. She's gained at least 10 pounds, by her own admission, in the few weeks this show has been on the air. She desperately needs to hook a guy before she balloons up way out of control. That being said, I think she's the most natural beauty of the three.

* She does seem a tad unstable, though, no? I can't imagine how she'd react if she's dumped in two weeks. Should be good! Brad's TV therapist should be on stand-by.

* Miss Emily is the sweetest of the three. Also the most enigmatic. And when she reaches up to kiss Mr. Brad, the sexiest.

* There were some comments about Miss Emily's big ole teeth in the comments section last week. I think they're fine. Maybe they're fake, maybe not, but they're fine. And so's she.

* Miss Emily's line of the night: "I'm an open book." Not two seconds later: "I'm hard to read sometimes." She's the Finnegan's Wake of the three. Sure, go ahead, she's an open book. But try getting past page 5.

* I have an affinity for women who always look like they're secretly thinking about something funny, enjoying their own little jokes in their head. Miss Emily is like that. Gwyneth Paltrow is another.

* Ashley has no lips, just like Mr. Brad. I wonder if they kept chipping their teeth when they kissed and that's the real reason it didn't work out.

* And Miss Emily is a bit of an automaton, too, just like Mr. Brad. If he chooses her at the final rose ceremony, I wonder if they'll shake hands.

* Loved the awkward conversation between Ash and Mr. Brad. Was it him or her? At first I thought it was his fault. No, she didn't mention she'd want to live in Austin, but when she was saying she just wants to be around people she loves, I got it. That was her way of saying she'd follow her man to the ends of the Earth. But then she totally shut down when confronted.

* Wasn't Ash's video message to Mr. Brad the epitome of awesomeness? Especially when you consider the timing. She was final three and she gave a big f-you to him. I also loved her face when he pulled her from the rose ceremony to sit down and talk. And Mr. Brad gets big points for being so utterly clueless as he walked her to the car: "What is wrong with you?" he asked her. Classic.

That's about it. Predictions for the final two? Will he pick Chantal? Will he pick Miss Emily? Will he flake out again? I'd say Miss Emily, although you can't discount Chantal's parents' bank account. Add your predictions in the comment section and/or nasty remarks.

Week 8: Mr. Brad says goodbye to Lady Death

Look at me! A non-post on the actual night of the actual telecast! So let's not waste any more time and get right to my random thoughts for the week:

* My first reaction to Emily calling our hero "Mr. Brad" was derision. But I grew to love it. I was talking the other day about how we all used to call our friends' parents Mr. or Mrs. Surname, or in some cases Uncle or Aunt So-and-So, and that we couldn't imagine kids calling us that now. But I want start that Mr./Mrs. First Name thing. And, in fact, from here on out it's Mr. Brad from me.

* Mr. Brad said about (or to) Chantal that he can't deal with an emotional roller coaster. Maybe he isn't ready to get married afterall.

* How rich is Chantal's family?! Holy crap. I thought they were walking up to a museum. They could film The Bachelor there. They even have a statue. Good lord. And why is it all rich women (here's looking at you, Mrs. Chantal's Mom) feel they need to get face lifts and Collagen? Yikes.

* I don't know what Chantal's dad does for a living, but he's a self-described "self-made man" and seems quite proud of that. When he asked Mr. Brad where he saw himself at the age of 45 or 50, Mr. Brad said happiness means family to him. This is the one time in the history of the franchise I thought that was the wrong answer. I got the impression Daddy Warbucks would be more impressed if Mr. Brad had a plan to be just as rich and successful on his own.

* Ashley gets points for introducing poutine to an American audience. But Mr. Brad couldn't have been serious when he said it looks delicious. Even though it's good, it looks like someone threw up on the fries.

* That had to be quite a culture shock going from the mansion in Seattle to the, er, modest home in Madawaska, Maine. That together with Ashley's sister, Lydia the Tattooed Lady, I thought for sure Ashley would be the one sent home.

* "She'll be a dentist." What the hell?! All season long the graphics have told us Ashley is a dentist. Why didn't it say "student"? This show is so full of it.

* Shawntel was my hands-down favourite, so in a way I'm kind of glad she got the boot. She's too good for Mr. Brad.

* Her tour of the crematory and funeral home gave Mr. Brad the creeps. How old is the guy? Mid-thirties and he says he's never even thought of death?

* Sweet Emily is pretty cool, too. "I made a new friend!" she told little Rickey. Boy, Mr. Brad is a real natural with kids, isn't he?... (Uh, no. The answer is no.)

* The robotic Mr. Brad was priceless when he told Emily, "I honestly don't think I could be happier right now" without a trace of a smile or twinkle in his eyes. Just the usual tight-lipped frown.

* When Mr. Brad was sitting down with Shawntel just before shoving her into the limo, he tried to soften the pain by saying, "I didn't feel like a man should feel when you tell him you love him. It's not your family; they were great." The women here will have to be the final judge, but I would have thought she'd rather it be her family's fault than the fact she just doesn't do it for him. Am I wrong?

* Upcoming highlights hint at trouble in South Africa. Oh, how I hope this train derails!

* Shawntel for Bachelorette! Get on it, producers!