Bachelor Ben: Return of the Undertaker

Okay, I've procrastinated long enough. Time to bang this puppy out. Why aren't I eager to get my thoughts down this week and rush it to the screen?

Tonight we all celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. Day by sitting passively watching 17 vapid white girls vie for the love of one vapid white guy. It's what Dr. King would have wanted. (Actually, we Canadians are excused because it's not a holiday in the Great White North.)

I may be slow on the upate, but it's finally becoming blatantly clear to me how much a role alcohol plays in everything on this show. I'm convinced of it. We start the episode off watching the ladies being chauffeured into San Francisco, all of them sipping champagne in the middle of the day. Or the start of the day. All I know is it wasn't dark out. Made me wonder how much booze is consumed on a given day in Bachelorburgh. Never mind that, how much is allocated for spirits in the budget? Probably more than the GDP of some small countries.

Ben met his sister in San Fran and told her all about his harem, saying the girls are all "professional." Is that something you tell your sister? He also told sis that Courtney is "super mellow and down to earth." Yep, he can read 'em, can't he? And I loved his description of Jennifer: "She's an accountant but she's super attractive." You caught the but, right?

His sister was hopeful of Ben finally getting a girlfriend so they can finally go on some double dates. Say what? Is that something siblings do?

First one-on-one date went to Emily, the PhD student. Emily happens to be terrified of heights so of course they climb the Golden Gate Bridge [EDITOR'S NOTE (Okay, it's me, too): It has come to my attention that the bridge was, in fact, the Bay Bridge, not the Golden Gate Bridge). Which leads me down many neural highways. It's clear that dates are set out to test whatever the selectee is uncomfortable with. Which leads me to believe the producers select who goes on what date. You can't just arrange something like climbing the Golden Gate Bridge in a day [or even the Bay Bridge]. This was all arranged weeks, if not months, in advance. Had to be. They don't wait to see who he selects and then get to work on arranging the date. It's the other way around. I'm also pretty sure the contestants all fill out questionnaires about themselves and one of the questions pertains to their biggest fear. Do you think Ben looks these over and then decides to have some fun with them at their expense? Doubtful.

So if you're reading this and thinking about going on the show, I have some advice for you: Fake a fear. And really sell it. But make sure the fake fear is something you really love doing. Act scared on the date, but then ace it. The Bachelor will totally think he helped you overcome something terrible in your life, and that you're not afraid to take chances. It's foolproof.

Come to think of it, I believe Emily did just that. I was getting queasy watching them walk that round pipe. I couldn't have done it. Not only that, but if I did reach the top platform, I would have lain down on the floor and sobbed. What did Emily do? She strutted on out there and went to the ledge to soak it all in. Yeah, she was really terrified. Also how did they get down? I wanted to see some footage on that.

Did you recall that Emily is also the one who went through the sanitation routine before shaking Ben's hand when they first met? She's got a bucket of neuroses, that one. But cute. I'll give her that. And smart.

At dinner that night, Ben made the odd choice to go with lipstick. Don't know why. It was left unsaid but I found it almost as unsettling as the bridge hike. Ben, trying to prove a point, told Emily, "I think you're smarter than me." It was all Emily could do not to blurt out, "smarter than I, dummy." Ben gave her the rose then they stood up, kissed, then looked to the skies. Ben said it was "our own private fireworks show!" Yeah, over the entire city. Nobody else could see it, Ben. Yup, she's smarter than he is, alright.

The group date killed two birds with one stone: 1. It enabled Ben to cross something off his leap list. 2. It introduced the phrase 'leap list' to the world. Does he mean bucket list? I had no idea what he was talking about. Granted, I'm not the most plugged-in guy in the world so it's quite possible this is a common term. Or maybe a regionalism I'm not familiar with. Just to be sure, I'm going to Google it...

Guess what? It's not even a thing! It's a total product placement by a car company. I'm not going to mention their name because then they've won. This same company was mentioned by one of the girls on the ski date. I thought that was suspicious but now I'm wise to their game. Boycott that car company! I can't believe Ben just effortlessly used the phrase like it was something he's known for his lifetime. Boo. You heard me, boo.

Anyway, the activity that Ben claims he always wanted to do was skiing down a street in San Francisco. Sure, a boyhood dream. Who doesn't dream about skiing city streets? Myself, I've always wanted to parasail through Detroit but different strokes...

What a ridiculous date. Of course the women all have their bikinis at the ready. Snow is brought in and down they go.

At nght, the insignificant Rachel (she of the party-girl voice) took Ben aside and "really opened up" to him. Oh, and she kissed him. But that's not why she got the rose. It was the opening up that sealed it. Kacie B(aton) took him out to the street for a stroll and maybe it was the way she was dressed but she looked about 14.

The final one-on-one date went to grandma's girl Brittney. Brittney, however, had her own thoughts. She realized she just wasn't in it. Or she realized she wasn't going to get a rose and didn't want to be humiliated. So she did the honourable thing and left. Her grandma's gonna give her a whuppin' when she gets home. Ben took it in stride, saying Brittney was on the fence anyway. Nice save, Ben.

Or maybe this just paves the way for her return mid-season, saying she made a terrible mistake. Or does Shawntel's arrival count as the de rigeur return for the season?

So the sloppy seconds went to Lindzi, who took full advantage and scored a rose. They had ice cream at my old work place, Swensen's, and rode a trolley car through Chinatown to City Hall. It being night and all, it was closed. But Ben is the king of San Francisco. He whipped out a key and led Lindzi inside. Lindzi was blown away, as you can well imagine. "I don't know who this guy is, but he's clearly amazing!" No doubt. He must know the mayor or something.
 
Well, guess what? As luck would have it, some other people were locked inside. They must have been in the bathroom at closing time. So to pass the time, they formed a band and played for Ben and Lindzi. What luck! Lindzi even pretended to know who they were to make it seem like they were a real famous band. She thinks of everything, that Lindzi. They played what sounded to me like a ripoff of Prince's Kiss but I won't judge too harshly since they'd only been practicing since closing time.

Later, at an intimate speakeasy, Ben asked how Lindzi could still be single. It always strikes me as judgmental when I hear this on the show. The question can always be turned around to the asker, but never is. Lindzi said she'd only been in love once in her life, for a year and a half. She got dumped by text message: "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." Clearly, her ex was a jerk of the highest order. I hate to blame the victim, but what would lead someone to break up that way with a woman they'd been seeing for more than a year? I know that's not right of me, but it's a nagging thought. Maybe the guy just didn't dig her dirt make-up.

But she got the rose from Ben, who romantically cooed, "I've been really impressed with you." Aw, Ben, you sure know how to make the ladies swoon.

The King of San Fran then whipped out his key to the city and opened up a closed piano store. The first time we learned Ben could tickle the ivories, we didn't get to hear him play. This time we did. He clunked out a few chords and Lindzi was blown away: "That's seriously amazing!" What was really amazing was when they started dancing in the middle of the store to dubbed-in music. In other words, to no music at all where they were.

At the cocktail party, Ben tells the super-attractive-for-an-accountant Jennifer that she's "hands down the best kisser in the house." I've got an inkling he may regret those words in the likely event he ultimately chooses somebody other than Jennifer.

But the real story of the night was the return of the Undertaker, Shawntel, from Brad's season. I loved Shawntel. In fact, on her return she immediately became my favourite again. But she sure wasn't the favourite at the party. Again, I'm going to blame our good friend Al. K. Hall here. There's no way any sane or rational person could develop a hate-on for her so quickly. How about blaming Chris Harrison, or the producers, for inviting her back? And what's the threat? Either Ben likes her more or he doesn't. There's nothing you can do about it.

The tears started flowing. Courtney showed how super-mellow and down to earth she is by rambling incoherently and attacking others. Elyse (I think it was) said the sexy Shawntel was uglier in person and had thick thighs. That's just crazy talk. Her thighs aren't even as thick as Courtney's calves. Jacklyn said she feels she's better than Shawntel (newsflash: you're not. In fact, it's not even close). Nicki said, "Shawntel rides in on her high hearse – no pun intended." (!) You gotta admit, that's a pretty great unintended pun.

Ben had eleven roses to hand out, after already giving one each to Emily, Rachel and Lindzi. Two would go home.

Or would they?

They went in order, and quicker than any other rose ceremony in Bachelor history! (with my editorial preferences in parentheses):

• Courtney, who accepted reluctantly. (x)
• Kasie B(aton) (√)
• Elyse (x)
• Jamie (-)
• Jennifer (√)
• Casey S. (√)
• Blakely (x)
• Monica (√)
• Nicki (√)
• Samantha (x)

Before he handed out the last rose to either sexy Shawntel, Erika or Jaclyn, he decided to give a little speech. But Erika decided to go for the sympathy rose by almost fainting. You'd have thought she collapsed and went into seizure by the way everyone was acting, but she was fine. Ben then made his speech saying he wasn't going to give out the last rose afterall. At which point Erika tried one more time. Okay, maybe it was the sauce. It's a theme, afterall. Really, she had no chance whatsoever after showing Ben her inside-lip tattoo of the word Amoré. You had to stick around for the blooper reel at the end of the show to have seen that, but it happened before the rose ceremony so you know he socked that piece of information away.

We never got to see Ben's goodbye to Jaclyn. She just walked off bawling with someone. I think she may be hiding in the house.

Shawntel shed more tears than she did when let go by Brad. She said she was embarrassed, as, I guess, she ought to be. As she left, classy Courtney cackled, "See ya! Sayonara!" Ben's reasoning for not giving her a rose was because it's not fair to the rest of the girls. What does fairness have to do with anything if this is really about finding yourself a mate? This ain't no game, Benjamin. This is your life.

I was clamouring for Shawntel to be named Bachelorette last time so I'll sound that trumpet again. She's clearly desperate and willing to play the game. She's attractive, she's smart, she's funny, she's... well, if not normal, as close as you can get on reality television. Come on, producers! Throw me a bone for once in your lives, would ya? After all I do for you.

Next week the gang is off to – hold onto your seats – Park City, Utah! The gals let out a collective whoop! when they were told. They're pulling out all the stops, I tells ya! What's even better is that Courtney looks even more mentally unstable in the clips.

Bachelor Ben: Are you kidding me?

And we're back. Nice comments last week (and tonight – if I knew how to do real-time blogging, I would. That would be fun). Keep 'em coming!

A friend of mine said last week that Bachelor Ben looks like he has bottled-up rage and that it will most like rear its ugly head sometime this season. I just can't believe it. Does anyone else see that in him? The closest we've seen of it was when he got jilted at the final rose ceremony last season. He got understandably angry but handled himself thoughtfully and with dignity. But it sure would be fun to see him unload at some point.

The only hint of detachment from reality was when he said, in explaining what brought him back to the show, "it worked for me once." Did I miss that? Was that season unaired? I distinctly recall it quite clearly not working for him once.

Also this week, my wife entered in her first ever office Bachelor pool. She had her choice of 18 women to choose from and she chose... Jenna the Unstable Blogger! Thanks for coming out. There's two bucks down the drain. What was she thinking? I thought she read this blog. Jenna had about as much chance of winning as Jake and Vienna have of getting back together.

Tonight's episode didn't thrill me. Or maybe it was just Sonoma that put me to sleep. Ben brought all the girls to his hometown right off the bat, although he didn't introduce any of them to his family. I don't know how that's even possible since I'm sure we saw the entire population of Sonoma in this episode.

Kacie the Kutie got the first date of the season. It's always tough this early in the proceedings to know who's who, save for the crazies (which may be why some people opt to go for a larger than life persona). I'm constantly referring to last week's notes to jog my memory, and also compare it to how I thought of them last week. Looking over my chicken scratch, I see I gave Kacie a check mark. Good news for Kacie: she kept it this week despite revealing herself to be a master baton twirler. At least she seemed to have a good sense of humour about it.

The lowlight of the date – and the show – was when Ben and Kacie sat in the empty town cinema and watched home movies. I mean, it's always cute to see adults as kids but I'm a little sick of the maudlin death stuff every season. I watch this reality show to escape from reality, not to be constantly reminded of our mortality. And it also depressed me no end to find out Kacie was three years old in 19-freakin'-89. That's not right.

Next up was the group date with twelve gals. Ben arranged for them to audition for a bunch of kids who had written a fairy tale. And then the group performed the play in full costume at the Sonoma Community Theatre [sic] in front of a packed house. Between this night and the previous stroll around the town, all I could think was Sonoma sure is a happening place.

Pouring over my notes from last week, I see that Jennifer went from an X to a check mark in my book. Nicki kept the highly coveted check mark. Well done, girls.

At the after party, it was Blakely's time to shine. I dubbed her Flakely in my notes before someone else did, fyi. But in retrospect, I don't know how fake she is. She seems to be presenting herself the same to the other girls, to us, and to Ben: an overly aggressive cougar with an inner forearm tattoo to rival the crazy Kasey, aka King Ding-a-Ling.

I thought Blakely was too aggro for the passive Ben but I guess he goes for that. He surprised us all when he gave her the group date rose. Hey, why not? I can totally see them live happily ever after, can't you? Blakely could get a job as a VIP cocktail waitress at the local Sonoma diner.

Jennifer lost some points when she cried about not getting the rose but she still gets to keep the check mark for now. But she's on probation.

The next one-on-one date went to Courtney, the model. She turned off the crazy and looked and acted somewhat normal. But something was not quite right. She never really said anything of substance but she sounded like she did. It was weird. Ben would ask her a question and she'd start to answer then change the subject and it sounded like she answered but she didn't. And when they kissed, it seemed hot and heavy, but she managed to keep her distance by keeping those lips pretty close together. I hate to say it, but I think she might not be there for the right reasons! Hey, someone had to say it first.

What is it with nice guys on this show that they go for the crazy beauties? I get it, actually. In real life, Ben would never get a sniff of a model or be anywhere near a VIP cocktail waitress so it's thrilling for him. They are bucket list roses. But poor, sweet Ben really thinks Courtney could be the one. "She's the whole package: smart, pretty, drop-dead gorgeous, psychotic." Okay, maybe he didn't say it quite that way.

Courtney proved that not all models are bad actresses. When Ben asked how she could possibly be single, she played the old "I guess I'm just picky" card. Wow, nice save, Courtney! She also had the line of the night when she said, "I'm just doing me for a while." While probably no pun was intended, one was certainly taken.

While walking through the forest, Courtney the Model looked like maybe her specialty is as a hand model. Or it could be the boots that made her legs look like giant redwood trunks amongst the giant redwood trees.

And as soon as the producers got Courtney in front of the interview camera, she popped a crazy pill and revealed her nut-job side.

At the final cocktail party, Lindzi wooed Ben by telling him she drives a truck and usually wears dirt for make-up. Then Jenna tried to one-up her by stammering, "I'm a guy... I'm not like a girl." In her defense, she's a writer; not an orator. Give her time and a thesaurus and I'm sure she'd come up with something better. But it sure is comical watching her beat herself up over her miscues. Again, I'm almost positive alcohol played a role here but still, are you going to want to choose a woman who gets all verklempt every time she has a drink? Probably not, which is why no one in their right mind would choose her in a Bachelor pool. Right, hon?

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew had pretty much enough of Blakely, driving the 34-year-old cocktease waitress into hiding. She found a corner and hid behind some luggage. At first I thought she was crying but when Ben found her, her face wasn't streaked, her eyes weren't red. No sign of tears at all. She was just crouched behind a suitcase. Makes me wonder what she was really doing. Then on his way back to the party, Ben heard the sobbings of Jenna, who was under the covers in bed. He led her back down to the rose ceremony where he ceremoniously dumped her. Good-bye toonie.

With Kacie, Blakely and Courtney already rosed up, there were 13 more to hand out. Does it usually go this slowly? They only eliminated two this week. Advancing were Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jacklyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey, Samantha, Monica, Jamie and Brittney, about half of whom got zero face time this week so they were almost total strangers to me. Jenna, as mentioned, got the boot, as did someone named Shawn, I think.

As Jenna walked away, my first thought was that it was good for her career to be off this sinking ship as soon as possible. The less damage the better. She should have walked out without saying a word, but she couldn't help herself. Holding onto her boobs (maybe they were tender, which might explain the emotions), she blubbered. But tears were not enough. She also said, "I'm in shock. I came here looking for love, I did. Ugh. I feel sick. These girls distracted him. These girls are good, I know. I just can't believe... Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? (then quietly and seriously) No, really, are you kidding me? I can't believe this is happening. I'm mortified. I think I deserve love. I have always been trying to find it. [incoherent] pretend this never happened; it was a mistake."

I always feel for the emotionally unstable ones. It's got to be tough going back to reality with all your friends and family, not to mention strangers on the street, worried for your mental health. I wish nothing but the best for her. In fact, how about we start a campaign: Jenna for Bachelorette!

Next week they're going from Sonoma to San Francisco. The producers are pulling out all the stops! What's next, Sacramento?

See you next week.

Bachelor Ben: A blogger's shame

Happy New Year, Bachelor friends. We are back. Let's see if I remember how to do this.

And while I feel a certain amount of shame for blogging about this ridiculous show, my title refers to another blogger. But we'll get to her.

Ben is back. And unlike every Bachelorette in franchise history, there was no make-over on his return. Although maybe it looks like he's worked out in the weight room. Seems a bit more buff. In catching up with him, he let us know he got over his heartbreak by focussing on work in the, what?, three days he had between seasons. Ah, minutes into the show and we're reminded how full of it everyone involved with it is.

At least we got to relive his humiliating defeat from last season one more time, when he got down on one knee and asked Ashley to marry him before being denied. So he was buffed then rebuffed. Oh, I never tire of seeing that epic, awkward fail. Will someone please add a laugh track to it and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. Please? And judging from the upcoming season highlights, that might not be his last public humiliation. But we know how the editors love to tease us. Hell, they almost had me thinking a limping grandmother was one of the contestants this time around. Turns out she was just the chaperone for her grand-daughter, Brittney.

But Brittney wasn't the only one with a gimmicky entrance. Lindzi went one step further than the already gimmicky spelling of her pedestrian name: She passed up a ride in the limo for an easy amble onto the property atop Levi, her horse. I don't know if the gimmicky entrances work but they're no worse than the painful rehearsed opening lines. My favourite unique entrance was from the sultry student Anna, who was the first in history to walk right by without saying a word. Gutsy move, as Ben yelled at her. She's the Suzanne Somers in American Grafitti of The Bachelor.

In that hilariously humiliating clip from last season, we heard what I think might be the best quote in franchise history, when Ben said, "Good things don't end unless they end badly." That quote has it all: heart, depth, philosophy, good grammar. So it was nice to hear Jenna, a freelance writer (or "blogger", as the graphics put it), mention it in her opening words to Ben. She put her own stamp on it, though: "Good things end badly." Hey, she's a writer, not a talker.


Or rather, she's a blogger. And the star of the show so far. By far. Before we met all 25 of the ladies, we were shown vignettes of nine of them. I made snap decisions on your behalf so you'll know who to cheer for. In the 'check' column, I put Lindzi the Lippizzaner, Kacie the Knoxville Kutie, Jamie the Rock, and Nicki the Divorcée. For the record, all four advanced to the next round. The Blogger (pictured above, I'm guessing, as it's the lead image on her blog) was not on this list.

In the 'cross' column, I put Amber T for Tomboy, Courtney the Sexy Model, Lyndsie the London Derrière, Shawn the Phoenix Phinancial Planner, and, yes, Jenna the Carrie Bradshaw Wannabe. And two of those didn't advance. Out of the other five that were sent packing, I only regret Dianna, a funny and cute gal from somewhere in California. And maybe Anna because I liked her walk-by of Ben.

I was disappointed in the only Canadian. Amber Bacon was a little too brash, a little too Wrassler. The two Canucks would make a good team. Maybe she could be his wrestling manager. Once eliminated, though, she lost the crazy eyes and her soft side shone through.

I've got an early morning ahead of me so I'll keep this short. The highlights centred around Jenna, who is the designated unstable kook. When I saw her vignette, something seemed off but I couldn't put my finger on it. Oh yeah, she's a writer. Nuff said. She was attractive but that means nothing on this show. Or, I guess, in life. Turns out my spidey senses were bang on. She's certifiable. This is a woman who apparently gives relationship advice on her blog The Over-Analyst. I wonder how that will work out for her now. Night One and she's a total wreck, sobbing uncontrollably because one of the girls doesn't like her. Okay, I'm pretty sure alcohol played a sizable role in it, but that in itself is another big ole red flag.

She had some great lines, but what else would you expect from a woman of letters? Try these on for size:

• To Monica: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime."
• Ben: "It's nerve-wracking. Trust me, I get it." Jenna: "Do you really?"
• "I don't want him to think I'm a mess." (Yeah, best to save that for later.)

Jenna's arch-nemisis was Monica, a 33-year-old dental hygienist from Santa Monica. The cackling blonde was unflappable in the face of the overwrought Blogger. It was quite funny, actually. And so was her gutter mouth. Add to all this her lesbian tendencies and what's not to love? She snuggled up to the womanly Blakely, a VIP cocktail waitress (nudge nudge, wink wink), and whispered sweet somethings into her ear: "I love girls... You're in my life forever... You're beautiful, you're amazing... You know I need your number, right?..." That's what I'm tawkin' abowt!

It's clear the producers are still advising the Bachelor on who to pick. After the first impression rose (to Lindzi), Ben handed out 17 roses. An odd number, no? My guess is he got to choose 15 of them and the producers told him to select Monica and Jenna. There's no other rational explanation. I'm against this practice 100%, let me make that perfectly clear. But in this case, I secretly am giddy about it.

So that's about it. It looks like we'll have lots of high drama and unintentional comedy this season. See you here next week.