Bachelorette Andi: The nice villain

And then there were four... But first there were six, which is where we found ourselves at the start of this episode, with Andi and the fellas in Belgium. Josh the Jock, Farmer Chris, Coach Brian, Nick the Prick, Marcuszzz, and Samurai Dylan had one last chance to advance to the hometown dates. Two wouldn't make it.

Half the guys sported big pouffy scarves this week, most hilariously sported by Farmer Chris. I dare him to wear it back home in Iowa. He'd be laughed off the farm in record time. The other two with the neckwear were Marcuszzz and Nick the Prick. I thought the other three should have been given immunity to the next week but since Andi also was apparently sponsored by the scarf company, two of the bare shouldered ones would, indeed, be left out in the cold.

In this episode, we finally got to see a bit of what the other guys hate about Nick the Prick. Only a bit, though. Out of all the Bachelorette villains over the years, he's got to be the nicest. He's just overly confident, verging on cocky. Or "persistent," as he spins it. But he's also measured and can see the other side of the argument, which we get to see when the other fellas confront him but in the private room where he's talking to the camera, I'm guessing his nice-guy comments are edited out. So instead we get these gems: "The rest of the guys are wasting their time. I 100% feel Andi and I will end up together." And "There's me and no one else. No second, no third..."

Marcuszzz got the first one-on-one date. Didn't phase Nick one bit: "It's hard to imagine Marcus ending up with Andi if she's going to end up with me."

On their date, Andi and Marcuszzz ordered mussels in Brussels. Just what you want in a country that is almost completely landlocked. Andi said the most anglicized bonjour and merci I've ever heard. She speaks French with the élan and flair of the most English person you can imagine. Marcuszzz tells her – yet again – that he loves her. She does her best not to nod off in her mussels.

There was no rose on the date, so no pressure. Not immediate, anyway. They had dinner at the very fancy Academy Palace. Andi wanted to know about who she'd meet if she decides to go to his hometown next week. This is where I was convinced Marcuszzz had lost it. They'd go to his sister's house where Andi would meet his mother, brother, and sister. His dad doesn't play a role in his life. He left the family and apparently blamed the mother and Marcuszzz. "It's not your fault," Andi consoled him. But how did she know? He could have been a little shit.

Okay, nothing bad so far. Then he said his mom used to beat him and that she'd admit to not being the best mom. He described their relationship as "dysfunctional," although it's good now. "He's a goner," is what I wrote down. But Andi said, "He's an amazing guy" and called him "resilient." "He's everything I've been looking for in a man. No doubt in my mind he's going to be an amazing husband and father." If he doesn't beat his kids or leave (those things tend to repeat). "This is a man, a total package man, in front of me."

It's still kind of funny how former pro baseball player Josh got the jock edit while there's no mention of Marcuszzz being a former pro soccer player. Andi is so worried about the jock aspects of Josh but it's not like soccer players don't have women throwing themselves at them.

Dylan's barber

I mentioned Samurai Dylan above. After weeks, I finally came up with a nickname for him based on his appearance. Did you notice that tiny little unecessary pony tail at the top of his head that hung down all the way to about a centimetre below the top of his head?

The persistent Nick decided to make an unscripted move. Or was it? He just had to see Andi but didn't know what room she was in. So at this hoity-toity place that's hosting this big prime-time American television crew, he tells the front desk he lost his key, can't remember his room number, and says it's in his wife's name, Andi Dorfman. And the soon-to-be-fired front desk person gladly reveals her room number. Reeks of a set-up, doesn't it?

So up he goes and knocks on her door. But first he tells us, "I don't know how she'll take it." Did they stop him on the way up and bring him to the interview room? After all that, he finally gets to her room and she's still wearing the outfit and jewelry she had on for Marcuszzz's date. She makes a quick change and they go for a walk.

Andi recognized that Nick was breaking the rules but said that all the guys should want to sneak over to see her. I'm sure the others are thinking why there are rules if there are no consequences for breaking them. It's a funny position for a district attorney to take. Later Nick mentioned that Andi wasn't allowed to say certain things to him, but why can't she break the rules, too? Where's the consistency?! They make out and Andi said, "When he kisses me it's like I can feel what he's thinking."

And they make fun of the French!

The next (real) date was with Josh. In Ghent, they saw a goose parade. Yes, a goose parade. Belgians hadn't seen that much goose-stepping since 1940.

Andi wanted Josh to open up on this date. And he finally admitted something. Kinda. He said, "I have feelings for you." Andi, all hopeful, asked, "You have feelings?!" "Maybe just a little bit," he smirked, and Andi gave a pouty look.

Later she said his parents will ask him how he feels about her. She asks what he'll tell them in reply. He thinks about it for a moment and says, "I'll tell them how I'm feeling." No wonder this guy wasn't thrilled about the lie detector test last week!

They had dinner in a castle, as you do in Belgium. Andi thinks Nick and Marcuszzz are ready to get married but she doesn't feel Josh is. But Josh admitted that he's falling in love and she lights up at the news. They engage in some silhouette kissing in the shadows and then "dance" in front of another American group playing a ballad, while the soulless locals more appropriately stood and just appreciated the music.

There was a rose on the line on the group date. Nick, who was on this one, said group dates are "the worst thing in the world" but decided to give it his all this time. They went to the countryside and rode a rail bike to a monastery. Apparently it was sacred ground and no kissing was permitted within the walls. So Andi took Farmer Chris to a pottery barn just outside the walls where they got dirty and kissed. I don't know why but it always gives me the creeps seeing Farmer Chris kiss.

Coach Brian the Humble said, "Nick thinks he's smarter than everyone else. He may be right. He's smarter than me." Um, not to rub salt in your wounds or anything, Brian, but that should be "smarter than I."

Brian decides to put all his eggs in one basket and tell Andi he is falling in love "100%." He'd never said those words to anyone before. That's a fine how-do-you-do considering how things turned out.

Nick stuttered around Andi, trying as best as he could to hide his cockiness. "I never felt someone... whatever... fall... you know... I don't want to put words in your mouth but I feel it. When I say I'm going to marry you, it's not like some shot in the dark." And she eats this up!

To his credit, as Andi almost desecrated the sacred ground by wanting to get as close to him as possible, face-wise, he backed off, saying, "I shouldn't." The villain with the sense of honour.

Nick got the group date rose, sending the other three back to the hotel even though they each only had one 1-on-1 throughout this whole process. "I truly feel she just told me she loves me," he said. His famous confidence was at its peak.

Everyone else was pissed at Nick. Coach Brian the Humble had to give it up to the villain, saying, "Nick is playing the game well." A good coach respects his opponent, I guess. But he did call Nick "a snake," so there was that.

Marcuszzz guarantees that Nick will play the game right down to the final two and then walk away from it all, calling Nick a "douchebag."

Decisions, decisions

You know Andi is smitten because when Nick suggested they play the "This or That" game, she got enthused at the always controversial waffles or pancakes. Fun game, right?!

She had a surprise for him – and every human within a 100-mile radius: Fireworks! "No way!" said Nick. Oh, way, my man. Way.

Back to Coach Brian the Humble. Now he called Nick "a damn smart guy." Farmer Chris had another word for him: "salesman." As this banter was going on, Nick slinked home and sat on the couch with the guys. No one said a word until Brian spoke up saying he wasn't going to beat around the bush. His big criticism was that Nick "acted certain." See? Nicest villain ever! Marcuszzz charged that Nick liked "to get into our heads and prey on people who are insecure at times." Another charge was that Nick had watched past seasons of the show. What a bastard, right?!

Nick, through Brian's eyes

Nick remained calm and listened to his detractors. He said Andi was his priority. Chris said to him, "Is she the priority or the game? You walk way more about strategy than you do about Andi." Nick asked (calmly) for examples, but none was coming. Brian, though, hammered him with, "You're smart." Boom!

Andi felt this was the best week to date. She slyly mentioned that she was falling in love, too. Who could it be?! We know she has a thing for Nick. She also mentioned Josh and Marcuszzz. Apparently everyone knew it. Dylan nailed it, saying the elimination was going to be between him, Chris and Brian. How did they know?

Chris didn't do himself any favours telling her if she went to his hometown in northeast Iowa. "It's in the middle of nowhere" and is populated by a whopping 758 people. But he told her he was falling in love with her and she's a sucker for that kind of thing. The full reality of that info won't sink in until next week.

Dylan also doomed his chances when he told her if he's selected it means she can see him proposing to her in three weeks. She gave him the "oh dear" face. I think in our culture you usually have to have kissed someone before you propose to them.

Even though he was the only one with a rose, Nick the Genius felt the need to interrupt a conversation she was having with Coach Brian the Humble. After all these seasons, I still don't understand why someone can't object to being interrupted. Nick just waltzed in there and said, "Can I steal her away?" Brian the Humble said, "Sure!" Sure! Why "sure"? Gah!

Andi didn't care, though. She briefly mentioned the target on Nick's back but that's it. She's charmed by his shameless audacity.

Chris needed to tell her one more thing. They walked outside ominously then the Farmer went to work. As gross as it was, Andi appreciated the chutzpah. "He just plants one on me. Like, you go, Farmer!" she said.

With Nick already rosed, there were three more to hand out and they went in order to:

1. Josh the Jock
2. Marcuszzz
3. Farmer Chris

Sad to see Coach Brian go. I expected Dylan since I don't think they ever even kissed. Dylan wished he had opened up earlier, while Brian said he poured his heart out to that girl. "If she doesn't get the guy she deserves, I will be furious." He's a good guy but I don't see him as the next Bachelor. Still holding out for Marquel.

Twitter update: We're up to a whopping 19 followers! Embarrassing, sure, but I'll take it. If you comment here on the blog, I'll Tweet it. Is that incentive enough for you? @BachelorBlogger

Bachelorette Andi: Trust me, I'm lying!

Welcome to Italy. Andi and the eight remaining contenders started the week off in Venice (or "the Venice of Venice" as it's known all around the world). Andi had been there before but we got no details about that former trip. She did call it the most romantic city in the world, though, so maybe that's a hint.

I started the blog entry off immediately because that's how Andi started this week. She met the guys on the street and took Nick off in a gondola to start his one-on-one. Everyone thought it was going to be Cody to get the date because he was the only one yet who hadn't received one. Even the über-confident Nick was shocked. Cody said he felt like "the pet dog of the group," like he's being "drug along." Let that sink in for a moment.

The guys all feel for him. And not just because he doesn't know the past participle of the verb "to drag."

Nick and Andi walk through the city hand in hand. Then they were back in the same gondola with the same driver talking about the last group date when Nick was being, um, "salty." He owns up to his pouty behaviour, saying, "You were right; I was wrong." Immediately, Andi's face lights up. Music to her ears! This is a man she could grow to tolerate so long as he knows his place. "How do those words feel coming out of your mouth," she giggles triumphantly.

Their dinner that night is a formal affair. Nick wears a tux; Andi wears a gown. They were apparently eating in a masquerade hall. Only in Europe! Here, that would have been torn down for a condo tower years ago. But it raises the question: How often are they holding masquerade balls in Venice that they need this ornate building dedicated to the one thing?

Andi thought Nick looked like "a prince" in his tuxedo. Then again, she finds it attractive when a man is liked by others. And from early reports she received, that's not his strong suit. It's a conundrum.

The guys don't like it that he acts like he's the frontrunner, so Andi asked him flat out if he thought he was the frontrunner. There was a long pause before he answered, "I don't like the word." Translation: Yes.

But she was impressed that he "copped to everything." I happen to think Nick is fine. But I also thought that copping to everything is a definite strategy. It doesn't prove he's a good guy. But the Assistant D.A. gave him a rose. She knows good people when she sees them, I guess.

Then Andi grabbed a couple of masks for them to dance in. Somewhere, Jeff, the masked man, from Ashley's season, is beating his head against the wall.

Andi and Nick waltzed outside to a violin, cello and accordion making the sounds of a full orchestra. Neat trick.

Nick said he had been "masking" his feelings, "if you will." Nope, I won't. Inexcusable.

The group date was in Monselice, Italy. Never heard of it. Andi got her third mysterious note from her secret admirer. We caught a glimpse of the card. We couldn't read what he wrote but my initial guess was her secret admirer was Ted Kaczynsky, aka the Unabomber. Did you notice the tiny writing?

My second thought was just how stupid the idea was. We are down to the final eight gentlemen callers. Lots have been sent home to this point and he could have been one of them. Isn't the whole point of the exercise to woo the lady of your dreams to you? He might very well have been booted off prior to this and she wouldn't have known until it was too late who it was.

Josh also came up with another reason why it's stupid: It's the final eight – everyone admires her. There's no secret!

The group date was a fun-filled romp with two of Italy's leading lie detector administrators. I've always wanted to try a lie detector test even though I think they're largely bunk. Or maybe because I think they're largely bunk. There's a reason why they're not admissible in court.

JJ practically blew a circuit saying he never lies, then correcting himself saying that itself was a lie. Farmer Chris thought it was the worst date imaginable because he has news to tell her and didn't want it to come about this way. Ooh, what could it be? Something sinister, I hope!

No, something boring, actually. Turns out he was the secret admirer. Scandalous! Not the Unabomber, after all.

Andi went first. She was asked if Italy was her favourite country (yes), if she thought the guys were there for the right reasons (yes), if she's ready for love (yes) and if she thinks her husband is one of the eight (yes).

Then it was the guys' turn. Josh was on edge. They were instructed to answer just 'yes' or 'no'.

• To Josh: Is your name Josh? (yes). Have you ever cheated on a test? (yes) Are you here for the right reasons? (yes) Do you believe you can fall in love with Andi? (yes)
• To Dylan: Are you ready for marriage? (yes) Have you slept with over 20 women? (yes!) Do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom? (no!)
• To Marcuszzz: Do you prefer blondes to brunettes? (no) Are you ready for marriage? (yes)
• To JJ: Are you here for the right reasons? (yes) Are you good in bed? (yes)
• To Coach Brian: Do you want children? (yes)

That's what we got, anyway. Thoughts:

• The "right reasons" is open to interpretation. If a fella's intentions are to get on the show and lie so he'll get more airtime and thus help his career, then in his mind he's there for the right reasons.
• Poor Dylan. Everyone else got predicably dull questions. The invisible guy has slept with over 20 women?! Can you imagine how many a guy like Josh has bedded? No wonder he was sweating bullets. In fact, he couldn't even stick around. He felt sick and high-tailed it out of there. He couldn't even bring himself to using his big-boy words. When she asked where it hurt, he hit his stomach and head.
• As I was jotting down notes, I couldn't remember Marcuszzz's name so I used "Boring guy."

Speaking of Marcuszzz, it turns out the guy's Canadian! I found his bio on the official Bachelorette website on ABC says he's from Medicine Hat, Alberta. It also says he turned pro in soccer. Why don't they mention this on the show?! Is it that Juan Pablo ruined all of America for soccer?

Other interesting tidbits from the official website:

• Cody, asked if he has tattoos, says, "You don't put bumper stickers on a Mercedes."
• Coach Brian lists one of his favourite movies as The Notebook. Also, he may be religious as one of his three items he'd take to a desert island would be a Bible.
• One of Dylan's dream jobs, if he could have any job in the world, would be gym teacher. He must be in awe of Coach Brian.
• JJ is 6-foot-5!
• If Josh could have any job in the world it would be professional golfer "because I could do that until I'm 70 years old." I guess it's either that or crossing guard.
• Tasos, the wedding event coordinator, was a musician at some point and played the main stage of the Red Rocks Amphitheatre.

But I digress. The stern Italians returned with the results. We were told Andi told two lies ("I think I know which ones," she said. You think??? Oh right, she's a lawyer.) As for the others, three of the men told no lies. One told two lies. And two told three lies. Okay, buckle up, let's get all the juicy details!

Coach Brian goes first, ripping open the envelope with Andi's results. But nothing is revealed to us. Then Andi decides to rip up the other envelope without reading the results! Boo! What a pointless segment (other than learning not to shake Dylan's hand after he steps out of the loo).

Andi said, "I trust y'all" even though she was told that 50 percent of the group were lying liars. I guess she didn't want anything to influence her decision. She'll decide when someone is lying, whether they are or not. In her mind, she was probably wondering what she would do if the three guys she was least interested in turned out to be the truthful ones.

That night, Coach Brian did his own test on her. He grabbed her wrist, felt her pulse, then asked, "Do you want to make out?" Andi answered no. "You're lying!" he said and kissed her. This episode is probably banned in some college campuses because that was not consensual.

Marcuszzz, the kid at 25, told her, "I am in love with you." Poor sap. We all remember our first crush, don't we?

Josh let Andi know he wasn't a fan of the date. Not sure I followed his logic. He said relationships are built on trust... and if the other person doesn't know you're lying and trusts you, that should be good enough? He told her he was glad she ripped up the results, leading Andi – and millions of others – to wonder if there is something Josh is hiding.

You could see her turn into Andi the Ice Queen as the "huge cloud of doubt" descended over her. We've seen that face before. She then started her patented move of questioning everyone and everything when one individual disappoints her.

When Farmer Chris tells her that he hasn't been fully honest with her, Andi's face lights up. She smiles because she senses what's coming. Sure enough, it's the admission that he was the secret admirer. She liked that Chris always offers "that little dash of hope." He grabbed her and they very awkwardly kissed.

It was enough to seal the rose deal with Farmer Chris. He's likable enough that the others all congratulated him. Except, that is, JJ and his newfound cockiness. He said it's difficult for him to celebrate others' successes, so therefore, I guess, others shouldn't do it. That's an attitude Andi could appreciate – inflict your own morals and ideals on those around you.

In Verona, Italy, an emotionally drained Andi went on a one-on-one date with Cody, who owns a pair of the best eyes she has ever seen. "They're green and they pop," she said. Pop? Like Marty Feldman?

Their relationship, she felt, was the farthest behind. Cody was excited about his opportunity but I sensed it would come to no good end for the guy. It started out great, though.

Since it was the "birthplace" of Romeo & Juliet, the pair played out the theme. But let's get our facts straight. The British William Shakespeare is not known to have ever travelled outside of England. Verona is the setting for the play he wrote. It's not like the star-crossed lovers were real people from Verona. I'm a stickler for details.

They found themselves at some sort of Juliet society which receives tons of letters from all over the world. Go figure. Real people write to a fictional 500-year-old character for advice. All letter get answered. I'm not sure who the real people expect to answer them, but my guess is it's not just random Americans visiting the city. But that's what Andi and Cody did.

Cody penned a response to a guy, saying, "I can totally relate. I'm the exact same way with the girl of my dreams." Did he sign it "Juliet"? I don't get it. Anyway, Andi was not only amazed at the depth the muscle-bound Cody showed but, I'm sure, that he could string together words to form sentences.

At dinner, Cody wore a sports jacket with a v-neck sweater showing off his ample cleavage. He pulled out of his jacket pocket a letter, inspired by the afternoon's activity, to Juliet he wrote. "Today is our first date and she has not let me down," he read. Ooh, sorry to break it to you, big fella but...

He kept reading. And then didn't take a breath before going on and on about... well, it was just too fast and furious for me to jot down. But it was an impassioned speech. He didn't notice how progressively depressed Andi was looking. "The longer you keep me around, you're in trouble because you're gonna like me more and more," he said before she cut him off.

She gave him the old "just friends" talk. She said, "There was a reason I took you on this one-on-one date." Yes, and that was to send him home. It was a "tough pill to swallow" for Cody. Andi stood by the car with her camel toe and watched Cody get driven off.

Now there were seven. They arrived to the cocktail party at an incredible mansion in a line of Bentleys. As Andi enters, Nick grabs her before any standard hugs are issued to anyone. "Jackass move," was the consensus opinion from the others because Nick already had a rose. Andi was aware of all this. And she reported that they barely made it around the corner before he kissed her. Jackass move, right? No, ma'am. "That is a man right there!" enthused Andi.

Dylan

The invisible Dylan was goaded into interrupting them since he's had precious little time with her. But his invisible status remains. We saw him break up the shenanigans, but the cameras followed Nick back into the main room where he said he's not thinking about fairness; just his relationship with Andi. Marcuszzz excused himself to get a drink because "it is what it is." How Zen.

Also at the cocktail party, Marcuszzz reiterated his love for Andi, JJ kissed her, and Coach Brian read her a "hate" poem (and I hated it).

Josh looked like he didn't do himself any favours when he started fast-talking about the lie detector test again, getting worked up. "I want you to 100 percent trust me," he said, "without finding out the real truth of anything." Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he may as well have.

Chris Harrison liked that Andi ripped up the test results. "It was the right thing to do," he said. I still don't get it.

One of the remaining seven would be going home. I thought for sure it would be the invisible Dylan. Farmer Chris and Slick Nick already had roses. The others went in order to:

1. Dylan (!) What do I know?!
2. Coach Brian
3. Marcuszzz
4. Jock Josh

That left the Pantsapreneur out in the cold. So long, JJ. He looked defeated while she was deliberating between the final two so maybe there was some stuff that was edited out because there was nothing leading up to this. My guess is it was the pants. She couldn't take someone like that to one of her fancy lawyer functions. JJ told us "it hurts for your heart to be wrong." He also said (I think) he'd never fallen in love before.

Hey, are you following me on Twitter? If not, why not? I've got a humiliating 15 followers. I know I started it late and many of you have been with me over the years and have stumbled your way here other ways, but if you're on Twitter and not following me, go ahead and start now. @BachelorBlogger

Bachelorette Andi: Brother, can you spare a mime?

Geez, I almost forgot about this. With that extra week to help the public forget about Andi's handling of Eric, it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. But don't worry. I watched and scribbled down notes. Just got out of the routine of putting fingers to keyboard after, that's all. By the way, did anyone actually watch the unnecessary catch-up episode last week? I saw about ten minutes of it before shutting it off.

With two weeks between real episodes, it was the first time in franchise history the interminable highlights at the top of the show were necessary. Those couple of minutes were actually helpful to get back up to speed on the shenanigans and personalities.

The gang was in Marseilles, France, this week. Marquel, who hails from Las Vegas, said, "Where I grew up, you don't think about travelling to Marseilles, France." Presumably because they already have fake Eiffel Tower.

Andi met Chris Harrison on the streets and they chatted. She was pinching herself, but forgot who she was talking to when she said, "Can you believe it?" that they're in Marseilles. Harrison let it slide, but inside he was thinking, "Yes. Yes, I can believe it. It's what I do."

Josh the Jock got the first one-on-one. The former baseball player compared one's wedding day to the SuperBowl. Interesting. I thought the World Series would have been a slam dunk comparison.

He taunted her about how he'd kick her butt in tennis, but she'd have none of it. Didn't matter. It was all a set-up for his humble-brag: "You think I would suck because I was a second round pick?" Um, okay. Sure. You'd suck at tennis because you were a second round pick in baseball? Andi fell for it, asking him where exactly he was selected. He was something like 48th overall, and he made a point to mention there were 15 rounds. Got it. You were better than most.

But he says he'd never consider playing again because he wants a family. And we all know that baseball players are forbidden to procreate, so that totally makes sense.

Andi was getting the Juan Pablo jitters. She usually goes for the jocks and it's never worked yet so she's thinking the attraction might be solely physical. It's that kind of logic that makes me wonder about her abilities as a trial lawyer. Correlation doesn't imply causation. Just like she hasn't sworn off all men just because her previous relationships were also all men (presumably).

She wanted to get into a deep conversation with Josh the Jock, but has she tried? It's always on everybody else in her world, isn't it? When she was the contestant with Juan Pablo, it was up to him to learn about her. Now that she's the Bachelorette, it's still up to the guy to lead the conversation. Maybe that's the southern way she was brought up, but no one's stopping her from leading a conversation.

Josh the Jock has been on a bit of a dry streak, date-wise. After his last breakup, he felt the next time he says "I love you," it'll be to the woman he wants to marry. And he just hasn't found it... until now. i.e. Andi. And why not? It's been about a month since they've known each other and have spent probably multiple hours together. She gave him a rose.

What? It's not these guys?
Close enough. Book 'em.

To make things even more romantic, in the country of love, filled with the most amorous music on Earth, they flew in an American singer for a private concert. Ben Fields, who presumably gets a lot of work based on the similarity of his name to Ben Folds. Still, why an American? Who cares if the viewers couldn't understand a French artist? I listen to French music and I don't understand a word. It's still great.

Drama was brewing at the guys' residence. JJ the Shit Disturber told Marquel something he thought he heard the evil Andrew say after Ron got a rose one week: "Whoa, she gave it to the two blackies." JJ the Shit Disturber admits that it's possible Andrew said "black guys" and he misheard it. Marquel felt disrespected at being called "blackie." You see where this is going?

Marquel was a true gentleman throughout. On the group date he kept his distance from Andrew and didn't let the rumour affect his enthusiasm. As for the date, and speaking of racism, the nine Americans dressed up in stereotypical French striped shirts and berets and performed mime (!). Sacre bleu, mon ami! Mon Dieu! C'est dommage! And oh brother. Spare us.

Farmer Chris said, "There are no mimes in Iowa, I guarantee." Musclebound Cody said, "I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime, you know what I'm saying?" Uh, no. No, I do not. But that's okay.

They then had what appeared to be a mime-off, not that the "crowd" cared. It was all for Andi. JJ the Shit Disturber went to his go-to character, "The Old Guy." I think Marquel was doing "The Robot." That's about all I could figure out.

Nick wasn't into it. Despite looking the most like a true mime than anyone else, he was pouting because he had to share his time with the other doofuses. Andi was calling him "Salty Nick." I thought she was saying "Sulky" at first until she repeated it later in the show. "Sulky" would have made more sense, but again, maybe it's a southern thing. He definitely sulked.

That night, JJ the Shit Disturber grabbed Andi right away "to create an experience that's uniquely theirs." He took her outside to a giant Ferris Wheel, with individual spinning compartments. No idea how long that excursion lasted. I wonder what the rest of the guys were thinking.

But they didn't notice because they were bickering with each other. Musclebound Cody was getting into Slick Nick's face for thinking he's better than everyone else. Nick was called "smug" and "arrogant." Hey, you know what they say: When in France, do as the Frenchmen!

I think someone spiked Musclebound Cody's drink with an extra shot of testosterone because he was jacked up over Slick Nick teasing him about something (my notes aren't what they should be). Nick didn't deny it. He said he was just teasing and he apologized.

When Cody brought it up with Andi, he used the classic, "Nick's a great guy and I'm not saying anything bad about Nick, but..." and then proceeded to say bad things about him. Andi had a very perceptive question to him: "Why did it come to a head tonight?" No answer. And no reason. That's why I think it must have been the slipped testosterone in his drink. No other explanation.

Andi called Nick out on his attitude. She said it's hard for her to watch him on group dates. Again, he rolled with the punches and admitted his errors. She was also concerned that "two of the nicest guys in the house" (Farmer Chris and Musclebound Cody) would say negative stuff about him. Again, he took responsibility. She had to wonder if he was a master manipulator. I didn't think so until he then took out a piece of paper and read her... a poem? I think it was a poem, anyway. Or was intended as one. It certainly passes for one on this series. Someone should actually publish a book of all the lame poetry on this show over the years.

Each line of Nick's "poem" began with "When I see you..." That's all I got. That's all you need to know, too. And it melted Andi. Manipulation complete. Of course. Oh, how I'd like to see someone like Sharleen be the object of poetry, and the derision she'd rightfully give it.

Marcuszzzz (the Human Snore) sipped wine with Andi and told her he was falling in love with her. Andi stifled a yawn.

Marquel felt the need to confront Evil Andrew. Wisely, he instructed the others not to chime in, which was great. He said what he had to say, let Andrew say what he had to say, then ignored Andrew completely, and it all ended civilly.

With Andi, Evil Andrew told her he'd been attacked and he's not sure why. "The whole drama kinda stinks," he said. He said he's not sure he can be in "this, for lack of a better word, competition."

The rose went to someone who makes her feel special, JJ the Shit Disturber.

The last one-on-one went to Coach Brian. It was a movie date. Yep, more crass cross promotion (crass promotion?) with some movie that will die at the box office. It had something to do with cooking and love, so the pair left the theatre and went grocery shopping for sea urchins and frogs legs and such. Brian was out of his comfort zone, which, I'm guessing, consists of a gym and locker room and that's about it. He's not a cook. Big deal. But he seemed terrified. He couldn't just go with it and have fun with his incompetence. He was standoffish and timid – not what Andi was expecting. And if we've learned anything about Andi the past season and a half it's that her expectations dictate her life. God forbid anyone not live up to her expectations.

"Penetrate!"

But she made a go of it. They sit down to eat, she says, "Bon appétit!" and he counters with, "Why not?" What a gamer! Finally she suggests they go out to a real restaurant. There he tells her that he wanted to kiss her every second. "Why didn't you?" she screams. "I'm a coach," he says. "I strategize." True, but that's before the game. If something comes up during a game, you're going to have to make the call, coach.

Andi still believes in the two of them so she gave him a rose. It was enough to give Brian confidence going forward. It's "all or nothing from this point forward," he said. He's going to take the initiative from here on out. And with that, he stood up, marched her into the restaurant, stood behind a counter and kissed her. Uh, Coach, strong move, but pretty pointless. I thought he was taking her somewhere special. Maybe he thought there was a Ferris Wheel inside or something.

Andi told Chris Harrison there was no need for a cocktail party because she's sure who needs to go home. I still don't get that. Here they are in the south of France in some ancient castle for the evening and she absolutely must send three guys home now rather than, say, three hours later.

So no cocktail party. Just as well we didn't have to see more of JJ the Shit Disturber's pants. I swear these pants of his are going to put him out of business. And hey, why isn't anyone suggesting he's there for the wrong reasons? He's clearly just trying to promote his ridiculous pants venture.

My prediction was that the three men to get the axe would be Cody, Chris and Patrick. I was one for three.

Josh the Jock, JJ the Shit Disturber, and Coach Brian were all safely rosed. There would be five more roses handed out, in order, to:

1. Marcuszzzz, the Human Snore
2. Slick Nick
3. Farmer Chris
4. Some guy named Dylan
5. Musclebound Cody

That's seriously got to be one of the weakest final eight in franchise history. Only three are contenders in my opinion: Josh, Brian and Nick.

Getting sent home were:

• Evil Andrew, who told her she's the best. He told us he was being bullied and it's not fair and it sucks. At least he's still got that hostess's phone number.
• Patrick, who was sad that Andi didn't get to fully experience him. He "heard from many people – NOT JUST GIRLS! – that [he] has qualities that are really paramount to being a husband."
• Marquel. I don't understand this one. He was one of the normal ones left. He said it just wasn't in God's plan. I couldn't help but think during his classy farewell that... NEXT BACHELOR! It would be historic having a black Bachelor. And he's great. Good looking. Normal. Sense of humour. They really have to consider him, I think.

That's it for this week. Anyone have any idea when the next episode is airing? Next time they'll be in Venice where they'll take a lie detector test. I wonder if Amanda Knox will be watching?