Bachelorette Andi: Three men and a baby, maybe

Sorry I'm late this week but I happened to stumble across a magazine at the checkout counter that claimed Andi was pregnant. Not only that, but the deed happened in the fantasy suite. Not only that, but the winning spermatozoa was from the penis of one of the gentlemen she did not ultimately select to be her life partner. As you can well imagine, I was floored. I needed to take a few days to process.

Of course, none of that was mentioned on the show. Oh sure, there were hints, but it hadn't happened yet, since this was just hometown week, making the hints that much more clever. Who knows if the issue will be addressed at all and what kind of spin they'll put on it. And maybe – just maybe – for once the tabloids are wrong. But what are the odds of that?!

So, as mentioned, it was hometown week. Andi started her journey in old Milwaukee with Big Scarf Nick. He took her to his favourite place in all of his hometown, the Public Market, which speaks, probably, more to the options in Wisconsin than to Nick's personal taste. He then took her to a brewery, where Andi remarked on the nice smell. I like beer. I've walked past breweries. The odor is disgusting.

This particular brewery made a special 'Nick & Andi' beer. Presumably it can be used to get a woman drunk and impregnate her.

Then, to put the seal on your desire to visit Milwaukee, they danced to a live polka band, complete with bubbles. It's no Venice, but it's as close as you can get.

Nick, as I had forgotten from earlier in the season, comes from a large family. Now, a lot of people say that but Nick means it. He has ten (10!) siblings. I see a family with four kids and I think they're a throwback to the 1950s. His family has 11. Why don't they have their own reality TV show? Or travel with a circus?

To make matters worse, the parents of this over-30-year-old-man could pass for his brother and sister. How is it possible they have eleven kids? Well, I suppose some could be adopted, and perhaps they are. That would be the only reasonable explanation. His youngest sister is in the 7-10 age range, for the love of God! I don't know why I'm so obsessed over this miracle family, but I am. Did the parents start procreating in junior high school? Maybe this lends a clue to the mystery sperm donor in the fantasy suite. Maybe the ancient Nick feels the need to get moving on his own thundering herd.

One of Nick's zillion sisters is his confidante: Maria. How he remembers her is beyond me. Maria said Nick's been in some serious relationships and has experienced some serious heartbreak. Or maybe she was thinking of one of her other zillion brothers.

Nick's youngest sister, Bella (after ten kids you apparently run out of all the good names), had a list of questions for Andi, including the kicker, "Do you love my brother?" Andi skirted the issue like a pro and showed great maternal instinct towards his sister (a sentence I've never written – or heard – before).

Nick got all teary telling his mothersister (that's a term I just coined for a young-looking mother) that Andi is the "half of me that's been missing." And "I don't think of her as the Bachelorette anymore; I think of her as my girl."

Next on the tour of America's hotspots was Arlington, Iowa, Chris' hometown of 758 folks. "Day-to-day life is pretty simple here," he said in the understatement of the year. Andi kept talking about how "hot" Chris looks. Granted, she says that about everybody but this is just nuts. I mean, he's a fine looking person in the most literal interpretation of those words, but nothing out of the ordinary. Help me out on this one. Am I missing something? Leave your comments below. I am genuinely curious to see what my readers think.

Andi and Chris are standing out on his farm then he starts walking towards his house, i.e. the only house within miles. When Chris informs her that it is his house, she remarks, "Really?!" No, Andi, they decided you'd meet at some random farm and walk into a stranger's house. What's the big deal? In Arlington, housing prices are probably dirt cheap.

Andi also loses her shit when she sees a tractor. On a farm! The fact that Chris, a farmer, can drive said tractor is enough to send her round the bend. She calls him the "epitome of man." He sure is. On the field, when she asks what she could do in Arlington if she moved there, he said, "There's an opportunity to be a homemaker." Yup, epitome of man.

Also while sitting there, the Great Waldo Pepper flies by with a message flapping in the wind behind the plane: CHRIS LOVES ANDI! Andi was so turned on by it, she and Chris started eating each other's face.

At dinner, Andi starts to tell the story to her family, talking about the picnic. "While we were sitting there..." Chris's sister guesses the end: "You let one go?"

The sister also described Chris as "driven". I heard "drive-n" and replayed it several times, every time hearing the word "drive" with an "en" at the end. My wife kept hearing the correct pronunciation. Who was right? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Chris's mom told Andi that "nowadays, the world is so small. There's no limits for a woman on a farm." For example, she could be a homemaker, as mentioned, or she could drive a tractor, as she does, or, you know, maybe... um...

Another hint before the fact of Andi's pregnancy was when she told Chris's mother that, "I can't wait to have babies." Little did Chris's mom know she meant it literally.

After dinner the couple were treated to a game of hide and seek. See, there's lots to do on a farm!

Date number three was in Tampa, Florida, for Josh and family. Back to civilization. They headed to a baseball field, of course. The producers lack imagination. Any time anyone has played any baseball in their life, that's what they do. I was surprised to learn Josh hadn't played the game in seven years. Yet that's his "occupation" on the show? How long are you an ex-professional baseball player? Forever, I guess. I would have figured he might have something else to describe himself. But I guess it's better than "brother of NFL prospect."

The whole brother thing was odd. Josh claimed he quit baseball for his brother Aaron's NFL dreams. How are those two things connected? Or is it just an excuse? But Josh does seem invested in it. At dinner with Andi, it's all he wanted to talk about. But we learned this is a family that does everything together. We also learned who the favourite son is.

Then they all went outside and played touch football in the yard.

The last hometown visit was to Dallas, where Canadian-born Marcuszzz lives. He says he's only brought one other girl home to his family. But remember, the kid is only 25. That kid, though, drives a Mercedes. It probably cost more than Chris's house but Andi didn't seem overly impressed.

Marcuszzz took Andi to an empty club where he sat her down then proceeded to strip for her, to reenact their first group date. Only solo. Can you say 'awkward'? What the hell was that about? Andi seemed to like it, though. She said he's one of the hottest guys she's ever dated: "head to toe hot."

Andi said more than any of the others, she was nervous to meet his family. Maybe she thought she'd get a whooping.

But it was all good. Marcuszzz's mom seemed nice and they seemed to get along. He also took the opportunity to tell his brother for the first time how much he appreciated him being a father figure to him. Nothing like a film crew to open up to your family. His mom, Halina, said Marcuszzz is normally very reserved. Not with Andi, though. I can't count the number of times he's told her he loves her. He also says he's the happiest he's ever been and that Andi is his soulmate. That can't end well. Andi says life with him would be a fairy tale. As in, not happening in real life.

Next was the bad news about Eric. The four men arrived at Chris Harrison's house (?) and waited for Andi to show up. Seeing as they already paid their respects to Eric, it seemed almost exploitative. As they sat there stunned, the film crew descended upon them, coming out of closet and walls to offer hugs.

The next day was the rose ceremony. Life goes on. Andi manages to squeeze in two "y'all"s for good measure. The roses went in order to:

1. Josh
2. Chris
3. Nick

She sent her soulmate home. No happily ever after afterall. It was Grimm. He was the only one to tell her flat-out he loved her (I think). She tells him he's done nothing wrong, which, I'm sure is a great relief. But Marcuszzz is still bummed. "I don't know what to do from this point on," he said. In the limo he said he felt like an idiot. "I shouldn't have told her I loved her," he said. It blew up in his face. "I believed in something that wasn't there." Sounds like all the ultra-religious contestants over the years, but he was talking about love.

Next week Andi's head and heart don't match up but fear not: the checkout counter magazines assure us she quit her job and is engaged to one of the remaining three. It's gotta be Nick, right? Or has she quit her job to take up homemaking on the farm?

Bachelorette Andi: The nice villain

And then there were four... But first there were six, which is where we found ourselves at the start of this episode, with Andi and the fellas in Belgium. Josh the Jock, Farmer Chris, Coach Brian, Nick the Prick, Marcuszzz, and Samurai Dylan had one last chance to advance to the hometown dates. Two wouldn't make it.

Half the guys sported big pouffy scarves this week, most hilariously sported by Farmer Chris. I dare him to wear it back home in Iowa. He'd be laughed off the farm in record time. The other two with the neckwear were Marcuszzz and Nick the Prick. I thought the other three should have been given immunity to the next week but since Andi also was apparently sponsored by the scarf company, two of the bare shouldered ones would, indeed, be left out in the cold.

In this episode, we finally got to see a bit of what the other guys hate about Nick the Prick. Only a bit, though. Out of all the Bachelorette villains over the years, he's got to be the nicest. He's just overly confident, verging on cocky. Or "persistent," as he spins it. But he's also measured and can see the other side of the argument, which we get to see when the other fellas confront him but in the private room where he's talking to the camera, I'm guessing his nice-guy comments are edited out. So instead we get these gems: "The rest of the guys are wasting their time. I 100% feel Andi and I will end up together." And "There's me and no one else. No second, no third..."

Marcuszzz got the first one-on-one date. Didn't phase Nick one bit: "It's hard to imagine Marcus ending up with Andi if she's going to end up with me."

On their date, Andi and Marcuszzz ordered mussels in Brussels. Just what you want in a country that is almost completely landlocked. Andi said the most anglicized bonjour and merci I've ever heard. She speaks French with the élan and flair of the most English person you can imagine. Marcuszzz tells her – yet again – that he loves her. She does her best not to nod off in her mussels.

There was no rose on the date, so no pressure. Not immediate, anyway. They had dinner at the very fancy Academy Palace. Andi wanted to know about who she'd meet if she decides to go to his hometown next week. This is where I was convinced Marcuszzz had lost it. They'd go to his sister's house where Andi would meet his mother, brother, and sister. His dad doesn't play a role in his life. He left the family and apparently blamed the mother and Marcuszzz. "It's not your fault," Andi consoled him. But how did she know? He could have been a little shit.

Okay, nothing bad so far. Then he said his mom used to beat him and that she'd admit to not being the best mom. He described their relationship as "dysfunctional," although it's good now. "He's a goner," is what I wrote down. But Andi said, "He's an amazing guy" and called him "resilient." "He's everything I've been looking for in a man. No doubt in my mind he's going to be an amazing husband and father." If he doesn't beat his kids or leave (those things tend to repeat). "This is a man, a total package man, in front of me."

It's still kind of funny how former pro baseball player Josh got the jock edit while there's no mention of Marcuszzz being a former pro soccer player. Andi is so worried about the jock aspects of Josh but it's not like soccer players don't have women throwing themselves at them.

Dylan's barber

I mentioned Samurai Dylan above. After weeks, I finally came up with a nickname for him based on his appearance. Did you notice that tiny little unecessary pony tail at the top of his head that hung down all the way to about a centimetre below the top of his head?

The persistent Nick decided to make an unscripted move. Or was it? He just had to see Andi but didn't know what room she was in. So at this hoity-toity place that's hosting this big prime-time American television crew, he tells the front desk he lost his key, can't remember his room number, and says it's in his wife's name, Andi Dorfman. And the soon-to-be-fired front desk person gladly reveals her room number. Reeks of a set-up, doesn't it?

So up he goes and knocks on her door. But first he tells us, "I don't know how she'll take it." Did they stop him on the way up and bring him to the interview room? After all that, he finally gets to her room and she's still wearing the outfit and jewelry she had on for Marcuszzz's date. She makes a quick change and they go for a walk.

Andi recognized that Nick was breaking the rules but said that all the guys should want to sneak over to see her. I'm sure the others are thinking why there are rules if there are no consequences for breaking them. It's a funny position for a district attorney to take. Later Nick mentioned that Andi wasn't allowed to say certain things to him, but why can't she break the rules, too? Where's the consistency?! They make out and Andi said, "When he kisses me it's like I can feel what he's thinking."

And they make fun of the French!

The next (real) date was with Josh. In Ghent, they saw a goose parade. Yes, a goose parade. Belgians hadn't seen that much goose-stepping since 1940.

Andi wanted Josh to open up on this date. And he finally admitted something. Kinda. He said, "I have feelings for you." Andi, all hopeful, asked, "You have feelings?!" "Maybe just a little bit," he smirked, and Andi gave a pouty look.

Later she said his parents will ask him how he feels about her. She asks what he'll tell them in reply. He thinks about it for a moment and says, "I'll tell them how I'm feeling." No wonder this guy wasn't thrilled about the lie detector test last week!

They had dinner in a castle, as you do in Belgium. Andi thinks Nick and Marcuszzz are ready to get married but she doesn't feel Josh is. But Josh admitted that he's falling in love and she lights up at the news. They engage in some silhouette kissing in the shadows and then "dance" in front of another American group playing a ballad, while the soulless locals more appropriately stood and just appreciated the music.

There was a rose on the line on the group date. Nick, who was on this one, said group dates are "the worst thing in the world" but decided to give it his all this time. They went to the countryside and rode a rail bike to a monastery. Apparently it was sacred ground and no kissing was permitted within the walls. So Andi took Farmer Chris to a pottery barn just outside the walls where they got dirty and kissed. I don't know why but it always gives me the creeps seeing Farmer Chris kiss.

Coach Brian the Humble said, "Nick thinks he's smarter than everyone else. He may be right. He's smarter than me." Um, not to rub salt in your wounds or anything, Brian, but that should be "smarter than I."

Brian decides to put all his eggs in one basket and tell Andi he is falling in love "100%." He'd never said those words to anyone before. That's a fine how-do-you-do considering how things turned out.

Nick stuttered around Andi, trying as best as he could to hide his cockiness. "I never felt someone... whatever... fall... you know... I don't want to put words in your mouth but I feel it. When I say I'm going to marry you, it's not like some shot in the dark." And she eats this up!

To his credit, as Andi almost desecrated the sacred ground by wanting to get as close to him as possible, face-wise, he backed off, saying, "I shouldn't." The villain with the sense of honour.

Nick got the group date rose, sending the other three back to the hotel even though they each only had one 1-on-1 throughout this whole process. "I truly feel she just told me she loves me," he said. His famous confidence was at its peak.

Everyone else was pissed at Nick. Coach Brian the Humble had to give it up to the villain, saying, "Nick is playing the game well." A good coach respects his opponent, I guess. But he did call Nick "a snake," so there was that.

Marcuszzz guarantees that Nick will play the game right down to the final two and then walk away from it all, calling Nick a "douchebag."

Decisions, decisions

You know Andi is smitten because when Nick suggested they play the "This or That" game, she got enthused at the always controversial waffles or pancakes. Fun game, right?!

She had a surprise for him – and every human within a 100-mile radius: Fireworks! "No way!" said Nick. Oh, way, my man. Way.

Back to Coach Brian the Humble. Now he called Nick "a damn smart guy." Farmer Chris had another word for him: "salesman." As this banter was going on, Nick slinked home and sat on the couch with the guys. No one said a word until Brian spoke up saying he wasn't going to beat around the bush. His big criticism was that Nick "acted certain." See? Nicest villain ever! Marcuszzz charged that Nick liked "to get into our heads and prey on people who are insecure at times." Another charge was that Nick had watched past seasons of the show. What a bastard, right?!

Nick, through Brian's eyes

Nick remained calm and listened to his detractors. He said Andi was his priority. Chris said to him, "Is she the priority or the game? You walk way more about strategy than you do about Andi." Nick asked (calmly) for examples, but none was coming. Brian, though, hammered him with, "You're smart." Boom!

Andi felt this was the best week to date. She slyly mentioned that she was falling in love, too. Who could it be?! We know she has a thing for Nick. She also mentioned Josh and Marcuszzz. Apparently everyone knew it. Dylan nailed it, saying the elimination was going to be between him, Chris and Brian. How did they know?

Chris didn't do himself any favours telling her if she went to his hometown in northeast Iowa. "It's in the middle of nowhere" and is populated by a whopping 758 people. But he told her he was falling in love with her and she's a sucker for that kind of thing. The full reality of that info won't sink in until next week.

Dylan also doomed his chances when he told her if he's selected it means she can see him proposing to her in three weeks. She gave him the "oh dear" face. I think in our culture you usually have to have kissed someone before you propose to them.

Even though he was the only one with a rose, Nick the Genius felt the need to interrupt a conversation she was having with Coach Brian the Humble. After all these seasons, I still don't understand why someone can't object to being interrupted. Nick just waltzed in there and said, "Can I steal her away?" Brian the Humble said, "Sure!" Sure! Why "sure"? Gah!

Andi didn't care, though. She briefly mentioned the target on Nick's back but that's it. She's charmed by his shameless audacity.

Chris needed to tell her one more thing. They walked outside ominously then the Farmer went to work. As gross as it was, Andi appreciated the chutzpah. "He just plants one on me. Like, you go, Farmer!" she said.

With Nick already rosed, there were three more to hand out and they went in order to:

1. Josh the Jock
2. Marcuszzz
3. Farmer Chris

Sad to see Coach Brian go. I expected Dylan since I don't think they ever even kissed. Dylan wished he had opened up earlier, while Brian said he poured his heart out to that girl. "If she doesn't get the guy she deserves, I will be furious." He's a good guy but I don't see him as the next Bachelor. Still holding out for Marquel.

Twitter update: We're up to a whopping 19 followers! Embarrassing, sure, but I'll take it. If you comment here on the blog, I'll Tweet it. Is that incentive enough for you? @BachelorBlogger

Bachelorette Andi: Trust me, I'm lying!

Welcome to Italy. Andi and the eight remaining contenders started the week off in Venice (or "the Venice of Venice" as it's known all around the world). Andi had been there before but we got no details about that former trip. She did call it the most romantic city in the world, though, so maybe that's a hint.

I started the blog entry off immediately because that's how Andi started this week. She met the guys on the street and took Nick off in a gondola to start his one-on-one. Everyone thought it was going to be Cody to get the date because he was the only one yet who hadn't received one. Even the über-confident Nick was shocked. Cody said he felt like "the pet dog of the group," like he's being "drug along." Let that sink in for a moment.

The guys all feel for him. And not just because he doesn't know the past participle of the verb "to drag."

Nick and Andi walk through the city hand in hand. Then they were back in the same gondola with the same driver talking about the last group date when Nick was being, um, "salty." He owns up to his pouty behaviour, saying, "You were right; I was wrong." Immediately, Andi's face lights up. Music to her ears! This is a man she could grow to tolerate so long as he knows his place. "How do those words feel coming out of your mouth," she giggles triumphantly.

Their dinner that night is a formal affair. Nick wears a tux; Andi wears a gown. They were apparently eating in a masquerade hall. Only in Europe! Here, that would have been torn down for a condo tower years ago. But it raises the question: How often are they holding masquerade balls in Venice that they need this ornate building dedicated to the one thing?

Andi thought Nick looked like "a prince" in his tuxedo. Then again, she finds it attractive when a man is liked by others. And from early reports she received, that's not his strong suit. It's a conundrum.

The guys don't like it that he acts like he's the frontrunner, so Andi asked him flat out if he thought he was the frontrunner. There was a long pause before he answered, "I don't like the word." Translation: Yes.

But she was impressed that he "copped to everything." I happen to think Nick is fine. But I also thought that copping to everything is a definite strategy. It doesn't prove he's a good guy. But the Assistant D.A. gave him a rose. She knows good people when she sees them, I guess.

Then Andi grabbed a couple of masks for them to dance in. Somewhere, Jeff, the masked man, from Ashley's season, is beating his head against the wall.

Andi and Nick waltzed outside to a violin, cello and accordion making the sounds of a full orchestra. Neat trick.

Nick said he had been "masking" his feelings, "if you will." Nope, I won't. Inexcusable.

The group date was in Monselice, Italy. Never heard of it. Andi got her third mysterious note from her secret admirer. We caught a glimpse of the card. We couldn't read what he wrote but my initial guess was her secret admirer was Ted Kaczynsky, aka the Unabomber. Did you notice the tiny writing?

My second thought was just how stupid the idea was. We are down to the final eight gentlemen callers. Lots have been sent home to this point and he could have been one of them. Isn't the whole point of the exercise to woo the lady of your dreams to you? He might very well have been booted off prior to this and she wouldn't have known until it was too late who it was.

Josh also came up with another reason why it's stupid: It's the final eight – everyone admires her. There's no secret!

The group date was a fun-filled romp with two of Italy's leading lie detector administrators. I've always wanted to try a lie detector test even though I think they're largely bunk. Or maybe because I think they're largely bunk. There's a reason why they're not admissible in court.

JJ practically blew a circuit saying he never lies, then correcting himself saying that itself was a lie. Farmer Chris thought it was the worst date imaginable because he has news to tell her and didn't want it to come about this way. Ooh, what could it be? Something sinister, I hope!

No, something boring, actually. Turns out he was the secret admirer. Scandalous! Not the Unabomber, after all.

Andi went first. She was asked if Italy was her favourite country (yes), if she thought the guys were there for the right reasons (yes), if she's ready for love (yes) and if she thinks her husband is one of the eight (yes).

Then it was the guys' turn. Josh was on edge. They were instructed to answer just 'yes' or 'no'.

• To Josh: Is your name Josh? (yes). Have you ever cheated on a test? (yes) Are you here for the right reasons? (yes) Do you believe you can fall in love with Andi? (yes)
• To Dylan: Are you ready for marriage? (yes) Have you slept with over 20 women? (yes!) Do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom? (no!)
• To Marcuszzz: Do you prefer blondes to brunettes? (no) Are you ready for marriage? (yes)
• To JJ: Are you here for the right reasons? (yes) Are you good in bed? (yes)
• To Coach Brian: Do you want children? (yes)

That's what we got, anyway. Thoughts:

• The "right reasons" is open to interpretation. If a fella's intentions are to get on the show and lie so he'll get more airtime and thus help his career, then in his mind he's there for the right reasons.
• Poor Dylan. Everyone else got predicably dull questions. The invisible guy has slept with over 20 women?! Can you imagine how many a guy like Josh has bedded? No wonder he was sweating bullets. In fact, he couldn't even stick around. He felt sick and high-tailed it out of there. He couldn't even bring himself to using his big-boy words. When she asked where it hurt, he hit his stomach and head.
• As I was jotting down notes, I couldn't remember Marcuszzz's name so I used "Boring guy."

Speaking of Marcuszzz, it turns out the guy's Canadian! I found his bio on the official Bachelorette website on ABC says he's from Medicine Hat, Alberta. It also says he turned pro in soccer. Why don't they mention this on the show?! Is it that Juan Pablo ruined all of America for soccer?

Other interesting tidbits from the official website:

• Cody, asked if he has tattoos, says, "You don't put bumper stickers on a Mercedes."
• Coach Brian lists one of his favourite movies as The Notebook. Also, he may be religious as one of his three items he'd take to a desert island would be a Bible.
• One of Dylan's dream jobs, if he could have any job in the world, would be gym teacher. He must be in awe of Coach Brian.
• JJ is 6-foot-5!
• If Josh could have any job in the world it would be professional golfer "because I could do that until I'm 70 years old." I guess it's either that or crossing guard.
• Tasos, the wedding event coordinator, was a musician at some point and played the main stage of the Red Rocks Amphitheatre.

But I digress. The stern Italians returned with the results. We were told Andi told two lies ("I think I know which ones," she said. You think??? Oh right, she's a lawyer.) As for the others, three of the men told no lies. One told two lies. And two told three lies. Okay, buckle up, let's get all the juicy details!

Coach Brian goes first, ripping open the envelope with Andi's results. But nothing is revealed to us. Then Andi decides to rip up the other envelope without reading the results! Boo! What a pointless segment (other than learning not to shake Dylan's hand after he steps out of the loo).

Andi said, "I trust y'all" even though she was told that 50 percent of the group were lying liars. I guess she didn't want anything to influence her decision. She'll decide when someone is lying, whether they are or not. In her mind, she was probably wondering what she would do if the three guys she was least interested in turned out to be the truthful ones.

That night, Coach Brian did his own test on her. He grabbed her wrist, felt her pulse, then asked, "Do you want to make out?" Andi answered no. "You're lying!" he said and kissed her. This episode is probably banned in some college campuses because that was not consensual.

Marcuszzz, the kid at 25, told her, "I am in love with you." Poor sap. We all remember our first crush, don't we?

Josh let Andi know he wasn't a fan of the date. Not sure I followed his logic. He said relationships are built on trust... and if the other person doesn't know you're lying and trusts you, that should be good enough? He told her he was glad she ripped up the results, leading Andi – and millions of others – to wonder if there is something Josh is hiding.

You could see her turn into Andi the Ice Queen as the "huge cloud of doubt" descended over her. We've seen that face before. She then started her patented move of questioning everyone and everything when one individual disappoints her.

When Farmer Chris tells her that he hasn't been fully honest with her, Andi's face lights up. She smiles because she senses what's coming. Sure enough, it's the admission that he was the secret admirer. She liked that Chris always offers "that little dash of hope." He grabbed her and they very awkwardly kissed.

It was enough to seal the rose deal with Farmer Chris. He's likable enough that the others all congratulated him. Except, that is, JJ and his newfound cockiness. He said it's difficult for him to celebrate others' successes, so therefore, I guess, others shouldn't do it. That's an attitude Andi could appreciate – inflict your own morals and ideals on those around you.

In Verona, Italy, an emotionally drained Andi went on a one-on-one date with Cody, who owns a pair of the best eyes she has ever seen. "They're green and they pop," she said. Pop? Like Marty Feldman?

Their relationship, she felt, was the farthest behind. Cody was excited about his opportunity but I sensed it would come to no good end for the guy. It started out great, though.

Since it was the "birthplace" of Romeo & Juliet, the pair played out the theme. But let's get our facts straight. The British William Shakespeare is not known to have ever travelled outside of England. Verona is the setting for the play he wrote. It's not like the star-crossed lovers were real people from Verona. I'm a stickler for details.

They found themselves at some sort of Juliet society which receives tons of letters from all over the world. Go figure. Real people write to a fictional 500-year-old character for advice. All letter get answered. I'm not sure who the real people expect to answer them, but my guess is it's not just random Americans visiting the city. But that's what Andi and Cody did.

Cody penned a response to a guy, saying, "I can totally relate. I'm the exact same way with the girl of my dreams." Did he sign it "Juliet"? I don't get it. Anyway, Andi was not only amazed at the depth the muscle-bound Cody showed but, I'm sure, that he could string together words to form sentences.

At dinner, Cody wore a sports jacket with a v-neck sweater showing off his ample cleavage. He pulled out of his jacket pocket a letter, inspired by the afternoon's activity, to Juliet he wrote. "Today is our first date and she has not let me down," he read. Ooh, sorry to break it to you, big fella but...

He kept reading. And then didn't take a breath before going on and on about... well, it was just too fast and furious for me to jot down. But it was an impassioned speech. He didn't notice how progressively depressed Andi was looking. "The longer you keep me around, you're in trouble because you're gonna like me more and more," he said before she cut him off.

She gave him the old "just friends" talk. She said, "There was a reason I took you on this one-on-one date." Yes, and that was to send him home. It was a "tough pill to swallow" for Cody. Andi stood by the car with her camel toe and watched Cody get driven off.

Now there were seven. They arrived to the cocktail party at an incredible mansion in a line of Bentleys. As Andi enters, Nick grabs her before any standard hugs are issued to anyone. "Jackass move," was the consensus opinion from the others because Nick already had a rose. Andi was aware of all this. And she reported that they barely made it around the corner before he kissed her. Jackass move, right? No, ma'am. "That is a man right there!" enthused Andi.

Dylan

The invisible Dylan was goaded into interrupting them since he's had precious little time with her. But his invisible status remains. We saw him break up the shenanigans, but the cameras followed Nick back into the main room where he said he's not thinking about fairness; just his relationship with Andi. Marcuszzz excused himself to get a drink because "it is what it is." How Zen.

Also at the cocktail party, Marcuszzz reiterated his love for Andi, JJ kissed her, and Coach Brian read her a "hate" poem (and I hated it).

Josh looked like he didn't do himself any favours when he started fast-talking about the lie detector test again, getting worked up. "I want you to 100 percent trust me," he said, "without finding out the real truth of anything." Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he may as well have.

Chris Harrison liked that Andi ripped up the test results. "It was the right thing to do," he said. I still don't get it.

One of the remaining seven would be going home. I thought for sure it would be the invisible Dylan. Farmer Chris and Slick Nick already had roses. The others went in order to:

1. Dylan (!) What do I know?!
2. Coach Brian
3. Marcuszzz
4. Jock Josh

That left the Pantsapreneur out in the cold. So long, JJ. He looked defeated while she was deliberating between the final two so maybe there was some stuff that was edited out because there was nothing leading up to this. My guess is it was the pants. She couldn't take someone like that to one of her fancy lawyer functions. JJ told us "it hurts for your heart to be wrong." He also said (I think) he'd never fallen in love before.

Hey, are you following me on Twitter? If not, why not? I've got a humiliating 15 followers. I know I started it late and many of you have been with me over the years and have stumbled your way here other ways, but if you're on Twitter and not following me, go ahead and start now. @BachelorBlogger