Farmer Chris: Kissing the shark

And away we go. I read a tweet from Jillian Harris (aka the Greatest Bachelorette) on Saturday saying she'd watched tonight's episode already. She said:

Jillian Harris ‏@jillianharris  Jan 17

Watching Monday's The Bachelor episode a little early.... And it's ahhmaaazzziggggg 2 minutes in and we're laughing our asses off!!!

Membership clearly has its privileges. Anyway, this must have something to do with Jimmy Kimmel. I smell shark! Let's see if they jump it.

Well, the opening montage doesn't give me hope. But I'll keep an open mind.

Here's Chris snoring away. My wife says, "That's attractive." And she would know. She's never heard such noises in her life. A limo pulls up. Horror music plays. There's no surprise here since we saw it last week and a minute ago in the montage. Jimmy Kimmel wakes Chris up. He asks Chris if he's naked, tells him they're going to start "an amazing journey" together. Already making fun of the show.

Harrison introduces Kimmel to the women. I think they're more in love with Kimmel than Chris. Jimmy calls them "sister-wives." He says he will help Chris make his decision by making love to each and every one of them. He requests that they give 110%.

Kimmel brings out a large container he calls the "amazing jar." Every time one of them says "amazing" they have to put a dollar in the jar. He says they should be able to buy the house by the end of the show and they can all live there together.

Kimmel leaves a date card. It's for Vancouver Girl, who pretends she's just as interested in Chris as she is Kimmel.

Where are they off to? The limo pulls up to Costco. Oh, the hijinx. That Kimmel sure is a jester, isn't he?

Kimmel says it's the kind of thing real couples do all the time. He's got a point there. Chris makes a good point, too, though, that it's a real weekend-type thing couples do but it's not a date. Regardless, Kimmel gives them a shopping list and says he's coming to dinner. One of the items on said list is enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. Isn't that hilarious?! If you answered not really, you are correct.

Vancouver Girl says she loves how normal the date was. So does this mean it's not unusual for her to buy cases and cases of Heinz 57? They prepare dinner then sip some bourbon and kiss. He tells her she has a man's laugh and she says he has a girl's laugh. I hadn't picked up on that before but it's totally true. Then they kiss some more and Chris says he hopes Jimmy doesn't show up. That makes two of us.

Speak of the devil, here's Kimmel. He walks in as they're kissing. He brings a house-warming gift of steak. Chris puts them on the barbecue. Chris giggles some more at every one of Kimmel's witticisms. Vancouver Girl (VG) says she's dated a farmer before. But Chris has never dated a Canadian before.

Kimmel tells us he's a lubricant. He loves asking tough questions, saying he specializes in making people uncomfortable. Kimmel says he assumes there's love-making in the fantasy suite and VG says, "I think that is to be assumed." Chris socks that piece of info away to be used at a later date. Kimmel paints a scenario of VG winning the whole thing and then finding out Chris had sex with the two other fantasy suite participants. VG says she wouldn't be jealous if he makes love to the other two women because you don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive. Chris is furiously taking mental notes.

Kimmel recommends Chris have sex with as many of the women as he can. Chris giggles. VG cackles. Kimmel should have been on Sean's season.

Jimmy picks up the rose and moves things along. Chris starts in on his awkward speech and Kimmel interrupts to say it's terrible. She accepts the rose and they embrace over Jimmy. He busts Chris' balls saying he has a real way with words, asking, "Do you have people on the farm or just animals?" Okay, that was pretty funny.

Chris likes VG because she's "real." They kiss in the hot tub. Whoa, that was almost ten seconds without a joke, so we pull back to see Kimmel sitting in a corner of the tub eating chicken wings watching the couple smooch.

The hot tub, by the way, is filled with water, not ketchup.

Back at the house, we see Jillian, the Princess Warrior, working out. Kelsey says Jillian works out all day. Again with the censoring rectangle over Jillian's allegedly hairy butt. How rude.

The group date is the "hoe-down throw-down." There's corn-shucking, an egg find in a chicken pen, cracking the egg without breaking it, goat milking, drinking it, shovelling manure, and wrestling a greased pig. This is more like Fear Factor.

Stop with the rectangle, already! It's not that I want to see Jillian's ass but I just can't believe it's rectangle-worthy. Maybe it's all Kimmel's doing. He has a regular segment on his show called 'This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.'

Amber the Bartender didn't get to drink the goat milk. She's glad because someone described it as salty and warm, and Amber said that's not something she likes in her mouth. Duly noted. We'll see if she sticks around.

Carly the Crooner is victorious. And to the winner go the spoils. She is awarded the blue ribbon and she and Chris get to recreate the famous painting American Gothic putting on costumes and standing in front of a canvas backdrop. She probably couldn't believe she had to guzzle something salty and warm and shovel manure for the chance to take a photo.

There was no alone time but Carly grabbed Chris immediately when they got to the evening portion. She told him he's a man and she's a woman so wanted to take advantage of it. Boom. She grabs him and they kiss. She says Chris is a really good kisser. Impressive for a guy with no lips.

Then there's a succession of women kissing him, and vice versa. Mama Mackenzie, the first girl to be kissed last week, all of a sudden doesn't feel so special. But Chris is there to find a wife, he reminds us. He tells Mackenzie it's not right if he's not himself. Presumably the real Chris kisses indiscriminately. So take that for what it's worth.

Becca gives an overly sincere speech and they end up hugging. She tells him she wants to kiss him. I thought for sure they would, but it didn't happen. Not sure why but it appeared to be her choice. Maybe she didn't want to get herpes.

I like the subtle ding in the background every time someone says 'amazing.' Chris picks up the elephant dressed as a rose and out of all the women he's locked lips with, he gives it to the one he hasn't: Becca. She gets another hug. So much for those free-wheeling kissers. I guess it's true: absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Whitney gets the next date. She's the fertility nurse with the cartoon voice. She's a take-control kinda gal. They sit out in the country sipping wine and eating cheese. Chris tells her he likes a woman who can talk. He hit the jackpot with this one. They see a wedding behind them and she convinces him to crash it with her. He giggles.

Worst case scenario, Chris says, is that they end up in jail. For crashing a public wedding. Laws must be tough in Iowa.

They change into formal attire, get a gift and set off to crash the wedding. It's dark out now but the wedding is still going on. They say there can't be cameras following them if they're going to crash a wedding. But somehow we're seeing footage. He says the producers are shooting with their cell phones. That's pretty good audio pickup for a cell phone.

If Chris takes anything away from this it's that Cartoon Whitney is a world-class liar. I think you'll agree, that's a great quality to have in a wife.

She thought the whole night was amazing. Ding. Chris thought she was so 'frickin' amazing.' Ding again. And a couple more dings for good measure.

Chris can "absolutely imagine Whitney being my wife." He runs off to get the rose. He tells her she made his day. This is happening out in the field. After their lies at the party about being engaged, I hope no one at the wedding witnessed it.

Where was Jimmy Kimmel in all of this?

Chris is doing crunches on his deck, trying to lose that gut of his. Now he's showering. Oh, here's Jimmy in the shower next to him. They're giving each other back rubs. So sensual.

Kimmel tells the girls there will be no cocktail party. Instead, they're going to have a pool party. He takes the amazing jar money, says he'll use it to get his body waxed. Free 'amazings' for everyone at the party!

Nothing more fun than a pool party, right? So what better time to tell Chris all about your husband's suicide? Juelia tearfully tells Chris how the father of her baby came home from work and told her he'd written a suicide note that day. He snapped, grabbing a gun, and she started screaming. She took the baby and left because she was scared. The next day he killed himself. She collapses in Chris' arms as she was recounting the horrible day. Suffice it to say the pool party was ruined. As tragic as it was, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if someone had come and interrupted them and asked to steal him away in the middle of it?

Britt gets Chris talking but only so she can stop him with her lips mid-sentence. They start smooching. Apparently she gives out free kisses as well as free hugs.

Next is Jade, the Naked Cosmetics Developer (did everyone do their Google homework last week?) who invites herself over to his place. Jillian goes to wait for Chris in his hot tub. Her rectangle follows behind. She doesn't know Chris is inside with a Playboy model. Chris and the Bunny test out his bed by jumping on. She's wearing high heels with her bikini, like all good Playboy Bunnies do. Porn music plays as they embrace and kiss in the bed. Once done, they walk out and Jillian, the Princess Warrior, is sitting there in the hot tub. We get glimpses of her ass sans rectangle. Nothing to see here.

The Princess Warrior and Chris kiss while some of the others peek through the bushes. Mama Mackenzie, Megan and the Sexy Virgin join them. The Virgin tries to be fair and let everyone get some alone time, but Xena will have none of it, which upsets the Sexy Virgin, who runs off. Thankfully, the rectangle doesn't follow her, if you get my drift. She's quite fetching.

Chris comes looking for the Virgin. Still wearing her bikini, she takes him upstairs. He gets to follow, if you get my drift again. But she can't stop blubbering about Xena. She eventually does stop, though, and they make out on the balcony. She's quite aggressive for a virgin. Or maybe because she's a virgin.

Before the rose ceremony, Kimmel gives him Chris a pep talk: "Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches." Well said.

So he gets out there before the women and says, "Jade... I mean Jimmy did an incredible job of screwing up all the dates." How does he mix those two up? He's got Playboy on the brain, that boy.

Roses have already gone to Vancouver Girl, the non-kissing Becca, and Cartoon Whitney. There are 12 more up for grabs. They go in order to:

1. Jade, the Naked Cosmetics Developer
2. Samantha, the fashion designer
3. Sad Juelia
4. Mama Mackenzie
5. Kelsey, the delight
6. Britt, the free hugger
7. Megan, aka Blondie
8. Carly, the Crooner
9. Crazy Ashley
10. Nikki, the former NFL cheerleader
11. Xena... er, Jillian, Princess Warrior
12. The Sexy Virgin

That means three are leaving us. They're really dragging this thing out, aren't they? Trina, the special ed teacher, Tracy, the grade 4 teacher, and Amber, the bartender who doesn't like warm and salty liquids down her throat, all said their goodbyes. So did Jimmy. And we saw him go off in a limo fake-bawling that he was there for four whole days and had to be sent home. Will anyone take this show seriously anymore? Then again, did anyone ever take it seriously?

Did the show jump the shark this week with Kimmel? Jury's out. But Chris would definitely have kissed a shark if one were there. Man, that was a whole lotta canoodling going on.

In the brief upcoming highlights, someone says there are two virgins in the mansion. Pretty sure Vancouver Girl isn't one of them. And I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Jade isn't, as well. That's all I gleaned from that.

ADDENDUM: I wasn't clear on my Jimmy Kimmel thoughts. I like the guy. Always have. And he was funny on The Bachelor. I'm all for snark. I just don't think the show should be a part of it. Yes, we all realize it's ridiculous, but if they come right out and admit it themselves, it becomes a parody of itself. What it does is potentially loses the viewers who truly believe in the hokiness of the show and potentially loses the viewers who watch it to make fun of it because it's hard to make fun of something that's making fun of itself.

Farmer Chris: We're going to Ashleyland!

My wife informs me that some ladies in her circle of friends and acquaintances actually think Farmer Chris is cute and/or hot. It's official: I'm out of touch. At least when it comes to what women think. But please weigh in in the comments section below. Am I out to lunch? How does Farmer Boy rate out of ten on the hotness scale?

But this is my blog and it's about what I think. I'd put him somewhere between Byron the fisherman and Charlie O'Connell the actor.So let's get started. Hit the PVR, I'm ready:

We left off with one of the eliminated gals heading back in the mansion to pull Chris aside. What will happen? He already has an overstacked house with 22 women. Will he stand his ground? I hope so. And I hope he kicks out a few more for good measure.

It was Kimberley. Which one was she? No idea. Vancouver Girl doesn't like that Kim's asking to come back. She says goodbye means see you later, which translates to see you never.

Kimberley is weepy, telling Chris she didn't get a chance to talk and she feels she was meant to meet him. She can't walk away from this that easily. Chris sighs heavily and says it's difficult so he runs to Chris Harrison, the guy who pretends he calls the shots. Harrison tells him it's his life and there are no rules to that. That's some Charlie Manson personal morality right there.

Farmer Chris informs the rest that since Kimberley had the nerve to come back, he's going to keep her. They applaud. He's clearly just told everyone else to whine their way back into his good graces when things don't go their way. So now there are 23 women, or two fewer than the start of most seasons. We'll be down to 20 contestants in three or four weeks, tops.

Harrison tells them Farmer Chris is just down the way, and says there are no rules here, i.e. make sure we get some good TV by sneaking over to his place.

Chris is outside showering as the girls read the date card. That's right, he's pretend-naked. Presumably because there's no indoor plumbing in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, the date card says, "Show me your c*nt tree." Not sure what that was all about... Oh wait, it must be "you're country." Makes as much sense. Ashley the Journo says she's more Kardashian than Country. I don't know which is worse, actually.

They start things off with a pool party. Six girls and Chris. Kimberley gets the first alone time. Finally. He pretends to meet her for the first time. She seems solid. I like her.

The news producer and Megan sneak over to Chris's place. Jillian's ass and front get rectangled out. Yet she's clearly wearing a bikini bottom. Ridiculous. What could possibly warrant that? They find his motorcycle helmet and Megan puts it on and rams her head into every wall.

Meanwhile, Farmer Chris and the bikini'd six walk down the streets of downtown L.A. Nobody gets rectangled out. They arrive to some tractors, as one does if one walks far enough in downtown Los Angeles.

There's going to be a race. Babes in bikinis and tractors. "They take off like snails," says Chris. It's like he's making fun of his own life. The Kardashian wins, getting some alone time.

Back at the house, Juelia tells the others her daughter's father killed himself. She tells them she's got to tell Chris but can't do it in five minutes. She gains their sympathy. I wonder if anyone will give her their time if it comes to that.

Chris and the Kardashian are sipping champagne on a tractor. She naturally feels she has the upper hand on the rose. But he tells them all it's tough dating six girls at once so he wants to finish the date off with just one person. And that person is not the Journo Kardashian. It's Mackenzie.

(I love how Tara's occupation is sports fishing enthusiast. I wonder how much that pays.)

Mackenzie asks if he had his ear pierced. Turns out he has, but no one's noticed it before. She says she's "super observant." Earlier she asked if he'd ever been to LA before. So she's observant with a horrible memory. Then she tells him she likes big noses, and his is perfect. Meaning huge. At least that's how he hears it. Then she asks if he believes in aliens. Chris says "jury's out." All this raises a red flag for him, he says.

She says she's "super nervous" and hopes he doesn't think she's a psychopath. Then the 21-year-old tells Chris she has a kid. He said he admired that. Then he picks up the rose and gives it to her. Perhaps he thought he was reaching for a red flag. They dance and kiss. Later, when she was recounting the date to the others, she says he kissed her. And five times, at that. Then he grabbed her and kissed her at the car, too. (That'd make six if you're counting at home.)

The next frickin' date card arrives. It's for Megan. She didn't realize the card meant a date. She thought it was just a note for her. Clearly she's not over her brain injury yet.

Apparently Megan can't kiss or touch or hug on the first date. Should be fun. Let's see if she's good on her word... Nope. Farmer Boy has his hand on her knee in the car, and she's holding it. They drive to a private jet. She grabs his hand and puts it on her lap again and interlocks fingers. Then they land at a helicopter and go off somewhere else. Presumably to a train station.

They're flying over the Hoover Dam. Next thing you know, they're over the Grand Canyon. I'm getting vertigo just watching. The chopper touches down and they drink champagne. He toasts "the most beautiful eyes in North America."

She tells him her being there was a last-minute thing. Her boss told her she needed to go on The Bachelor. Three days after getting the call to go to LA, her dad had a massive heart attack and passed away. But her mom encouraged her to take the leap of faith and go on the show. Farmer Boy can definitely see a future with her. He calls her the perfect person.

Chris gives her the rose and a speech befitting of a final four. We'll see how that pans out. True to her word, there were no kisses. Thank God.

Another date card. A group one with the message, "Till death do us part." Sounds romantic! The 11 girls arrive at a haunted house or something equally fake-scary. The girls are wigging out. Something attacks the limo. Not to worry. It was just Chris. But I bet they had you going for a minute, didn't they? The women break open the whiskey and pound to calm their nerves.

Tonight they'll be "taking care of some zombies." With paintballs. Britt is amazing at paintball according to Britt.

This is great. They can't see anything and neither can we. Riveting television. But Farmer Boy thinks it's sexy seeing the women shooting zombies. Ashley S. is crazy, walking around with confidence and shooting zombies after they're already dead. As in, finally dead and on the ground. Because zombies, by definition, are already dead. So they were more dead and she kept shooting them. Not sure how appropriate this was the week after the events of the world.

Jordan's twerking upside down now. She's ridiculously drunk. Then again, she's a student. It's kinda what students do. The women are talking about Jillian's hairy ass. No, not her donkey. But how would everyone know these things? Drunk Jordan thinks Jillian needs to take a Weed Wacker to it. Ah, that explains the rectangles earlier on. Then they show Jillian, fully clothed, getting up and wagging her butt. And there's that persnickety black rectangle again even though she's wearing jeans this time. What's up, ABC? Was her butt hair poking out? On Bachelor Canada, they swear up a storm without bleeps and the U.S. version censors someone in jeans.

Ashley S. is in Ashleyland all by her lonesome. Nobody knows what's going on in her mind. She does seem a little off, and not just in an alcohol-induced way.

Farm Boy tells Vancouver Girl she's just being cool and herself and he likes that. She says she just wants to get "oot and aboot on a date, eh?" playing up the false stereotype. Farmer Boy thinks that's "pretty sexy." He kisses her, lips and hand.

Ashley's going crazy. Or crazier than she already is. She speaks like an incomprehensible Yoda, in undecipherable aphorisms. And then she doesn't understand what others are saying. She takes Farmer Boy for a walk in the dark. He asks how she's holding up. She says, "I don't even know what you're asking me."

Vancouver Girl is saying what I'm thinking: that people who watch the show think Ashley's weirdness is staged. But VG says no; Ashley's truly is cray-cray.

Britt, who seemed the most loopy early last week, is seemingly so mature and grounded tonight. Especially for a woman who hangs around Los Angeles with a sign reading "Free Hugs." Now Farmer Boy is at it. He hands her a card that says, "Free Kiss from Chris." So they go at it. Eww, gross.

Chris returns to the gang and grabs the rose. It's the tough part, he says. Who'll get the coveted rose? It goes to Vancouver Girl. A rush of hometown pride washes over me.

Now the cocktail party. Chris has to make some tough decisions. And one very easy one (cough*Ashley S*cough).

Cartoon Girl gifts Farmer Boy some whiskey. They sit by the fire and drink. She's just loosening him up for the others. That could backfire.

Hey, turns out the virgin is the Kardashian Journo. I don't think she really understands who Kardashian is. Not only is Ashley I. a virgin, but she's never had a boyfriend. She doesn't look the part, especially in her bikini and bellybutton ring. She gets him alone and tells him he has three wishes on her bellybutton ring. His first wish is a kiss but he has to rub the ring first. And guess what? It totally worked! So they go at it. Blech.

I know it's early in the season, but Chris might be the worst kisser in the history of the show. Or at least the most uncomfortable to watch. Ashley is going at it like a pro, though. All the others watch. One wonders if Ashley the Journo is full of it. How could she possibly be a virgin who's never had a boyfriend? But we know she'll be going at least as far as the fantasy suite thanks to Harrison's spoiler last week.

Amber tells Chris she wants to kiss him so hard. So they do it, but it's pretty quick. I could even watch that. Jordan is drunk again and jealous. She decides she's got to go in for the kill. As in, killing her chances.

She sits with Chris and talks herself out of it. Audibly. Talked herself out of a rose, too, I bet.

Here are the roses. Three already have roses: Megan, Mama Mackenzie and Vancouver Girl:

1. Britt. Solid choice.
2. The Sexy Virgin.
3. Trina, the special ed teacher
4. Kelsey
5. Samantha
6. Juelia. Jillian thinks it's her and steps forward and slips on the rug. Or maybe her butt hair.
7. Amber, the bartender
8. Tracy, the grade 4 teacher
9. Jillian, the news producer with muscles. Doesn't trip this time.
10. Jade, the Playboy model (oh yeah, Google that. It'll go over big on the farm, I'm sure.)
11. Nikki, the former NFL cheerleader
12. Becca
13. Carly the Crooner
14. Cartoon Whitney
15. Ashley S., from Ashleyland. Wow, I was totally off on that one.

Clearly the producers told him to select the certifiable Ashley S. It sucks for Kimberley, but I think she should try again. Maybe we'll see her next week.

Tara has to go back to sports fishing. She can bait the fish with her tears. It always ends in heartbreak for her, she says. It'll haunt her for the rest of her life.

Tandra left, presumably on the motorbike she rode in on.

Also leaving the mansion were Alissa the flight attendant and Drunk Jordan, as predicted. And we're down to a nice and tidy 18.

Next week's highlights include ominous music. Some guy arrives. Looks like Mr. Bean from behind. Turns out it's Jimmy Kimmel. The show has jumped the shark. (But I bet it'll be funny.)

Farmer Chris: The dirty thirty

I shamefully – and shamelessly – return after failing in my quest to write about the second of the two-part Bachelor Canada finale. Let me say I had every intention of chronicling the ultra-romantic pairing of whatisname and whatserface. I took notes and everything. Still have them, in fact. But when two weeks passed without me getting around to it, I thought, "What's the point?" Of course, I could ask that same question even when it's on time, but I prefer not to delve too deeply.

I'm informed that this latest incarnation, with the hick from the sticks as the lead, is going to be three hours long tonight. Three hours! Not a waste of time at all. After complaining about the ridiculously short hour-long episodes of the Canadian version, you'd think I'd be over the moon about three hours. Not so. Which made me wonder what the ideal length is. One hour is too short. Two hours is too long. Three hours is stupid. So maybe 90 minutes? Or maybe I just love to complain.

Anyway, in order to minimize duplication, I'm going to try something different tonight. I'm writing straight to blog as I watch. We'll see how that works. At the very least, these things will get up online a whole lot quicker.

And I see by the old clock in the garbage can, it's show time. So let's get to it.

I'm on record as saying Chris is the absolute wrong choice for this show. Because while you will find 25 fame junkies to sign up for the season, I find it doubtful you will find more than a couple willing to settle down on a farm in Iowa. Possible but doubtful. I would be very surprised if this farmer in the dell took a wife through this process.

Red carpet? Um, okay. Chris Harrison is giving teasers to screaming women in line: A virgin in the fantasy suite? Something goes horribly wrong at the rose ceremony? Say no more. You had me at virgin in the fantasy suite.

Here's the segment on Chris driving a tractor. He says it's "a lot of fun." Sure looks it, doesn't it? He says love is like farming because you plant a seed and... wait, what? Is this about the fantasy suite? Maybe he's the virgin.

We see him in downtown Arlington. He's shooting shit with the locals. The price of corn is going down, apparently. What woman wouldn't want to be part of this?!

Chris has to miss harvest this year. First time. But he's excited to find the woman of his dreams. Being a true farmer, he says, "I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched."

Countdown to the first limo? 58-odd minutes?! Are you kidding me?! These women are going to lose their voices. They haven't stopped screaming.

Oh look, here's Sean and Catherine. Catherine says they're "super-boring." This just in! Now she's saying it'll be "super-nerve-wracking" for the girls. Hey, is that a cape Catherine is wearing? Maybe she's a super-hero.

48 minutes to go now. Talk about network time-wasters. There's Sharleen, looking as radiant as ever! Okay, maybe there's hope for this needless hour yet.

Marcus and Lacy now. They're planning to get married. She says they're "80-40" on the date right now. No laughs from Harrison or Marcus. Was she the one who couldn't do math? I can't remember. Was this a knowing call-back or was she actually being dumb again?

Segments on some of the ladies now. The first one hands out free hugs in Los Angeles. Yeah, she'll want to move to Arlington. Next one is doing flips in DC. She's a news producer and weighlifter. Maybe there's a spot for her at the Arlington Gazette. Next is a ballet dancer/instructor. She lives with her mom and doesn't cook or clean. A perfect farm wife! Next is a fertility nurse with a cartoon voice. She is also without a top lip so I think if she kisses Chris, chipped teeth may be in the works. Next is a dental assistant with a kid. A toddler, in fact. She wants a man. Next is a flight attendant from New Jersey. She wants to fly off into the sunset with Chris. Next is a school councelor. She seems classy. She's a widow. Sad story. Way to bring things down. She believes in the multiple-soulmate theory. Convenient.

Women on the red carpet are holding up an "I heart Chris" sign. I think Harrison believes it's for him.

Here's Andi and her man, Josh. Josh looks shell-shocked. My guess is she had one of her patented blow-ups on the way there.

Only 26 more minutes to the first limo! Chris Harrison is still slagging Juan-Pablo. Stay classy, Harrison.

Here's Nikki to answer all our Juan-Pablo questions. They broke up, if you're following along at home. Harrison is asking leading questions. She says he wasn't comfortable expressing his emotions and she was, but she respected her boyfriend. She stood by her man. Harrison says, "for some reason" there was this animosity. Gee, I wonder why! She explains about the breakup. She's a nurse in Kansas City and he's in the entertainment business. She says they both tried. Glad she's not throwing him under the bus, despite Harrison pressuring her to. She says he really loved her and he supported her through her trying times. Harrison must be so disappointed. He hammers it home, though. She says he's so caring and is a good person. And he told her he loved her. Harrison, let it go! Man, this is a long segment.

Twelve more minutes. The tension is palpable.

Now Harrison is inside. It's a viewing party! Let's start viewing. Here's Chris in LA, riding his motorbike. He's way out of his element, he says. Like a fish on a motorbike, I guess. He's getting suited up, getting pins up his ass, going to a photoshoot. We see him showering outside. So bogus. All the while, he's reading the same script every Bachelor in history has read. He could potentially be meeting his future wife. He's ready. It's going to be a great journey.

One of the women describes Chris's "sexy" smile as a "real panty-dropper." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess she's not the virgin.

Quick notes on the ladies:
Britt, waitress, overwhelmed. Long hug. Hyperventilating. She gives him a little something. Seems pleasant and sweet. The gift is a free hug. Oh she's the wacky LA one.

Whitney, the cartoony fertility nurse. She takes charge. I thought she said she's watched the show since she was "an asshole." But I think that's her accent. Maybe she said "in high school."

Kelsey. Missed her occupation. She's very nice. Regular girl.

Megan, or Blondie, as Chris said. He says this is not going to be easy.

Ashley I., a freelance journalist. I think she's already drunk. She's beautiful but maybe a bit much.

Next limo:
He knocks on the window. That's a first.

Trina, a special ed teacher. She'll know how to handle Chris.

Reegan, carrying a cooler. She has a fun job selling human tissue. Weirdo. She shows him a human heart, but claims it's just a joke.

Cowboy time. Tara, a sports fishing person. She's wearing cutoffs, saying this is really her. Chris likes her style. The girls call her Daisy Duke. She probably has the leg up on the others with the farmer. But she felt totally judged by the others.

Amber, a bartender. Missed her brief chat. She must not factor into the mix.

Nikki, a former NFL cheerleader, who just jetted in from Peru. But someone's sneaking around and getting back in the limo and stealing her thunder.

Here she is again. It's the cowgirl, this time in a dress revealing an embarrassing shoulder tattoo. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl, she says. Chris got to see the real her.

The driver passes a note to Chris. He snickers and says, "Okay." We'll have to wait for the commercial to end to see what it said. I can hardly wait.

There's giggling from the limo. "Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs and kisses." Amanda, the ballet teacher, sneaks out. She talks to him from behind and runs inside. He says, "Is it okay to open my eyes?" Obviously he needs his ears checked if he didn't hear her walk into the house.

Mackenzie, a dental assistant. She says she's nervous but doesn't act it.

Jillian, news producer. She flexes her muscle for him.

Ashley S, a hair stylist. She seems normal until she sticks a lucky penny into his sole.

Kaitlyn, a dance instructor from my hometown of Vancouver. He says she's stunning. She says, "I know you're a farmer. You can plow the fuck out of my field any day." Okay, I'm pretty sure she's the virgin. She finds sparkle on his face then gets mock-furious, saying, "Who is she?!" But she's all about the laughs. That must explain the back arm tattoo.

Apparently that's everybody. He enters the adobe abode. Only fifteen women. So something's up. Vancouver girl tries to interrupt with a joke and Chris tells her to let him speak first. He's serious. They cheers his little speech. Now the joke: "Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal." Everyone's shocked. Except Megan, who didn't get it.

Everyone's wondering if more are coming. But we already know he'll have 30 women, so another surprise ruined by the producers.

Britt, the LA waitress, gets the first alone time with Chris. She speaks to his heart. She says she doesn't want to raise a family in LA. Small towns are where it's at. She gives him a free hug. If only he knew she does this to strangers on the street.

She felt like they almost kissed. It was "thisclose."

Everyone's highlighting their small town backgrounds.

Harrison drops off the first impression rose. Boy, that Vancouver woman is annoying. First time I can't cheer for the hometown girl.

In the audience, six women from his hometown talk to Harrison. That went nowhere. My wife made a comment but I'm too much of a gentleman to repeat it here.

The cartoon character tells Chris she makes babies every day. She asks Chris if he inseminates hogs. He doesn't. She replies that they have so much in common. I don't think she was listening to his answer. Although I guess it's technically true if she doesn't inseminate hogs, either. Chris says she's beautiful, smart and funny.

Three hours in (their time), there are still 15 girls.

Chris is on the hunt for the secret admirer. It's Amanda, the ballet teacher. The other girls know her because of her big eyes. The camera zooms in on them. Indeed!

Harrison takes Chris outside. He tells him the night isn't even close to being done. Here's the next limo. They must have been stuck in LA traffic.

Here are quick notes on the newbies:
Samantha, a fashion designer from LA. She'll fit right in on the farm. She can design the overalls.

Michelle, a cake designer. He says she's gorgeous. She replies he's a babe.

Juelia, an aesthetician from Portland. Nothing here since we're distracted the others on the inside.

Becca, a chiropractic assistant. He says she looks "out of this world."

Tandra arrives on motorbike. She got looks on the freeway.

Next limo:

Alissa, the flight attendant. She gives a seat belt demonstration for the bumpy ride ahead. The others are watching and judging from the windows.

Jordan, a student, brings him whiskey. They down the mini-bottles.

Miss Piggy, or Nicole, a real estate agent, arrives in pig nose. She wanted to "ham it up." Get it? Get it? Plus, she loves pigs. She says, "Oink, oink."

Brittany is a WWE diva in training. She's wearing something. Not sure what it is. She brings a cardboard sign that says #soulesmates

Carly is a cruise ship singer who brings a mini karaoke machine and sings to him.

One more limo arrives. One woman says, "I'm outta here." You know, I was thinking after the first 15 that they seemed all relatively normal (Vancouver chick notwithstanding). I think it was because of their lack of gimmicks. That's how they were separated. The second group was all gimmicks all the time.

Last limo:
Tracy, a grade four teacher. Or fourth grade, as they say in the States. She reads Chris some notes from her students. "Dear farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn't end up lonely with nine pets." She's sweet.

Bo is a plus-size model.

Kimberly a yoga instructor.

Kara, a high school soccer coach, who tells him they would make the cutest babies.

Jade, a cosmetics developer from LA. She's wearing a translucent top, or at least flesh-coloured. Seems sweet, though.

There's your dirty thirty.

Chris re-enters. Now he's got to come up with another speech on the fly. He's overwhelmed.

One girl has two kids, a six- and seven-year-old. Who was that? Another looked up some weird Iowan laws. Finds out it's illegal to operate an ice cream truck there. Chris doesn't know about that. Maybe he doesn't even know what an ice cream truck is.

Then it's a montage of claws, everyone interrupting everyone else. Panic sets in. As one of them said, "Not that it's a free-for all, but it's a free-for-all."

Chris has the quote of the season in episode 1: "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

But then Ashley S. starts in on onions and their similarity to people. She rips a flower out of the garden and gives it to the girl that's with Chris. Oh, it's the WWE diva, who walks off without the flower. Ashley S. is either really drunk or crazy or both.

Ashley S. mistakes a pomegranate for an onion and is in awe.

Mackenzie doesn't know what alfalfa is. Asks if it's organic. Chris is stumped.

Tara tells us her best friends are three whiskeys, then belches.

Jade asks what their karaoke duet would be. And she's not even the singer. Chris mentions some country singers. Ugh.

The first impression rose goes to Britt, the very first person we saw in the vignettes. She gives him another free hug. Or was it free? Seems like he bought it with a rose. They kiss. I am not going to get used to seeing this mug kissing all season, that's for sure.

Britt says, "I actually really like you." They walk in to the common room arm in arm. Tacky. Harrison walks in to take Chris away. Chris tells them for the third time he's "serious." The writers better get working for the second episode.

The live audience loves Britt. Harrison asks if anyone didn't like the kiss. No one spoke up. I would have.

Michelle Money, the psycho, says she heard Britt doesn't shower.

Harrison is obsessed with the kiss – or "make-out session," as he puts it.

You know, take away all this extraneous stuff with the red carpet and live audience, and the three-hour episode probably is only an hour. So maybe the Canadian way is the way to go after all.

Rose ceremony time. That's a lot of women standing there. He says he's ready to do this. But it's gut-wrenching to him. Man, it's just the first night, Chris!

Britt has one rose already. The others go in order to (and they really ought to superimpose their names with each selection this early into it):

1. Kaitlyn, from Vancouver
2. Jade, the cosmetics developer
3. Samantha, the fashion designer
4. Ashley I., the freelancer
5. Tandra, the motorcycle mama
6. Nikki, the ex-cheerleader
7. Kelsey
8. Megan/Blondie
9. Alissa, the flight attendant
10. Amber, the barmaid
11. Juelia, the aesthetician
12. Becca
13. Trina, the special ed teacher

Chris leaves to tell Harrison he was going to pick Tara but she's too drunk. Don't know why he needed to talk it over.

   14. Mackenzie, aka Alfalfa
   15. Tracy, the elementary school teacher
   16. Tara, the drunken cowgirl with the bad tattoo
   17. Jordan, the whiskey-drinking student
   18. Jillian, the muscly news producer
   19. Whitney, the cartoon
   20. Carly, the cruise ship crooner
   21. Ashley S., the onion lady

That's 22 women next week. Quite a haul.

Big Eyes was shocked. She cries. You can imagine the size of those tears. Kara was humiliated. She cries. Kimberley says it was not meant to be.  She cries. She walks back in, despite the producers calling after her. She steals Chris for a second. But what will happen? We'll have to wait until next week.

Meanwhile, give me a moment to figure out who else was sent home. They were:

1. Big Eyes Amanda, the ballet teacher
2. Kara, the high school soccer coach
3. Bo, the plus-size model
4. Kimberley, the yoga instructor (maybe. We'll see next week.)
5. Reegan, the human parts vendor
6. Michelle, the gorgeous cake designer
7. Nicole, the pig-nosed real estate agent
8. Brittany, the WWE diva in training.

Does that add up to 30? I think so.

Chris Harrison tells us this will be the most dramatic and romantic season ever! I'm inclined to believe him because he never lies. Plus there was all that crying in the upcoming highlights and that never happens.

See you next week.