Week 4: A black eye on the franchise

Well, here we are again. Another non-edition of the non-blog. Hope you're not enjoying it. I feel warmed by the odd comments I'm getting. I just got my first Bachelor-related press release in last week's non-entry. Oh sure, I stop blogging and now they come to me. I guess playing hard to get really does work. To save you from going back and viewing it, I'll reprint it here:

David Good Book Signing and Bachelor Viewing Party!

Monday, January 31st, 7pm to 11pm

Reality TV personality David Good got a second chance on ABC’s "Bachelor Pad" this summer (which he won!) after being on Season 5 of "The Bachelorette".

These days, he’s hoping the world gives him a first chance as an author of his newly released book, The Man Code: A Woman’s Guide To Cracking The Tough Guy.

As unlikely a messenger may seem, his book gives women a look under the hood, and how it pertains to relationships from the boardroom to the bedroom – helping them crack the code to understanding "men's men"!

Free Hour Open Bar from 7pm to 8pm and Drink Specials all night!

Village Pourhouse
64 Third Ave (at 11th Street)
New York, NY 10003
www.villagepourhouse.com
212.979.2337

So if any of the readers here are in the New York area and have long wondered what a psychopath looks like in person, there you go. Glad to know the movers and shakers of the Manhattan book publishing world know we exist.

Now, on with the show and my ever-increasing random thoughts. (God, I hope this doesn't turn into a real blog post!):

* Did they cast this season from a celebrity look-alike agency? Check out these photos and tell me they don't resemble the contestants.

We've got Elizabeth Hurley (Crazy Michelle 2.0)










Neve Campbell (dearly departed Meghan)










Dolly Parton (sweet, tortured Emily) – Okay, it's more her sweet Southern personality she resembles








Shannon Doherty (Tough as Rubber Nails Chantal)










a brunette Jenny McCarthy (Alli)









Nancy McKeon (funereal Shawntel).











* So Crazy Michelle 2.0 wakes up with a black eye. How is that possible? Poor darling. Oh wait, she basically reveals how she got it when she says, "Who wakes up with a black eye? So I deserve a one-on-one date." Now the question is, how did she give herself one? Where are the cameras when you need them?

* Anyone notice the continuity problem on the first one-on-one date? A red and yellow helicopter picks Brad and Chantal up and flies them off. They wear green headphones. When we come back from commercial, they're in a blue and greyish chopper with no headphones.

* Do we really need to overcome our totally rational fears in order to fall in love? I understand overcoming irrational ones, but there's very good reason to be afraid of walking on the ocean floor or rappelling down the side of a skyscraper. Chantel, who's really afraid of the deep sea, said, "If I don't do something that scares me, it'll show him I'm not willing to take chances for him." Seriously? I'm sure he'll use that to his advantage if he ever gets the chance to poke her in the bum: "C'mon, baby. If you really loved me, you'd let me."

* How old is Brad? Is he aging fast or what? If he's only in his 30s, he's going to look ancient in his 40s.

* The group date is in the studio with the narcissistic man of medicine, Dr. Drew. They make it seem like they're all going to be guests on his radio show, but nope. They just use the studio as a backdrop to plug his show. Nobody was speaking into a microphone and it wasn't on air. At least not what we saw, even though Dr. Drew's cohost did a fake intro for them. Even Dr. Drew, who scrapes the bottom of the barrel with his Celebrity Rehab show, wouldn't stoop so low as to have these fake relationships on Love Line. The man clearly has standards.

* During the chat, bartender Stacey revealed she cheated on a guy in college. In a shocking development, Stacey wasn't given a rose this week.

* Maybe I'm too anal (not that way, despite the above comment), but I'd just like to hear the rules up front. Is that too much to ask for? Wouldn't we all be better served? Alli sits down with Brad and gets interrupted almost immediately. Why can't she refuse? Why can't Brad be a man and step up, telling the interloper (Ashley S.) that he'll talk to her in a bit? But we get a hint of those rules when Ashley S. herself was interrupted pretty quickly and says, "That's the name of the game."

* Ashley H. is the dentist. Do you think it hurts or helps her career that she's on national television admitting that she's emotionally unstable?

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 is so obviously acting. And poorly, too. She's so over-the-top obnoxious I refuse to believe she's a real person.

* On her well-deserved black eye one-on-one date, she's whisked off in a helicopter and loves it. She calls it exhilarating, admiring the beautiful scenery. Then when the 'copter lands on a skyscraper, she claims she's really afraid of heights and freaks out. Would she be so comfortable in a helicopter if she's so deathly afraid of heights? Or did she want to play up a fake fear of heights in order to show Brad that she was totally doing this just for him? Not ten feet down the side of the building she laughs. She conquered her fears pretty damn quickly, I'd say.

* Seeing them wear helmets as they rappelled down the tower reminded me of the Jerry Seinfeld joke about the use of helmets in skydiving: "What is the point of the helmet in the skydiving? I mean, can you kinda make it? You jump out of that plane and that chute doesn't open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking with the other helmets going 'It's a good thing that he was there or I would have hit the ground directly.'"

* Funniest line of the night goes to Brad (to Crazy Michelle 2.0): "You're a mature woman." Funny on so many levels because a) she's not at all, b) he has no idea, or c) it was a shot at her crow's feet (she's the oldest one there).

* No sooner after wondering if Brad might be the kissiest Bachelor in history does he tell his therapist he takes things really slow, even with kissing, which is a big deal to him. That's Brad forgetting this whole ordeal is televised.

* I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the therapist Brad sees has no female clients. Yeah, Brad, it's totally natural to have feelings for multiple women, and what's more, you should go for it. He stopped just short of saying you don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive.

* I couldn't believe the gnashing of teeth over the pity picnic for Emily at the cocktail party. Chantal, who seemed so together, completely lost it.

* Throughout the show I kept seeing glimpses of women I had no recollection ever seeing before. Of course they didn't speak. Yet despite all these anonymous faces, only three gals were sent home this week. Cut to the chase, producers! Let's keep this thing moving and drop some of these forgettable head cases.

* So far we've had a karaoke date with a girl who can't sing, a deep sea walk with a girl afraid of the water, and a office tower rappel with a girl afraid of heights. Coincidence? You might think so unless you watched the upcoming highlights. Next week, The Bachelor franchise sinks to new depths by taking Sweet Tortured Emily to a car racing track. Brad says, "Something's wrong with Emily." Gee, really? Hmm, I wonder why that would be. A black eye, indeed.

Comments? Yes, please.