Farmer Chris: The virgin chronicles

Hey there. How's everyone doing? Are you ready to take the show seriously again? Nah! Never did, so why start now. I feel I should explain my thoughts on Jimmy Kimmel last week. I went back and added an addendum a couple days later but maybe not everyone saw it. Essentially, it boils down to this: I like Kimmel. Always have. And I thought he was funny on The Bachelor last week. And I love snark and making fun of this show (obviously). I just don't think the show should be a part of it. Half the viewers watch because they believe in the dreck it sells. If the show willingly goes along with someone ridiculing it, those die-hard romantics will feel duped. And the other half of the viewers watch because they love to make fun of the over-the-top antics and total fakeness of everything. If the show willingly goes along with that, those cynics feel duped. It's a lose-lose situation.

Anyway, on to this week.

Three dates this week: two groups and one 1-on-1. Chris's three sisters from the farm will decide on who gets the 1-on-1 date. But the first date card is already there. How does that work?! Did Chris just take this group of women out of the running completely for the single date? Or can one of these still be eligible for the 1-on-1?

The girls pile into two convertibles and drive to a lake. Chris wants to see "how the girls react" to this challenging day at the beach.

The Sexy Virgin breaks out of her shyness by taking off her top and jumping in the water. As virgins do. Vancouver Girl goes one better and strips off her bottoms! I think it's safe to say they're not reacting well. Or, to put it another way, they reacted exactly the way Chris hoped and (wet) dreamed.

Here's that sticky black rectangle again covering Jillian's hairy butt and front at the mansion when Chris's sisters arrive. It's really getting ridiculous. She should sue the producers. I have no problem with the rectangle covering the nude buttocks of Vancouver Girl at the lake, though. Well, a little problem, but I understand it.

The sisters' first interview is with Cartoon Whitney. Seemed to go well. She thought they asked all the right questions. I only heard the right question asked once to one person: How do you feel about living in small town Iowa on a farm? That's the only question that matters.

Kelsey is being a prima donna on the group date. She's not happy being at a muddy lake, poor muffin. She's used to amazing lakes in Michigan. She says her face is getting skinnier from all the fake smiling she's doing. Right on cue, while busy complaining, she got stung right between the legs. That shut her up. Nature hates a complainer.

Next was a camping challenge. The Virgin has never camped before. She said, "I'm a camping virgin. I'm also a virgin camping." Get it?! Because she's pretending to be a virgin!

They keep flipping back and forth between the date and the sisters. Looks like the sisters are leaving without interviewing the first group. I still say it's not fair that only some of them got the chance to go on the 1-on-1. I'm speaking up for the disenfranchised.

The second date card is for the sweet, young, innocent Jade, the Playboy model. And she does seem sweet. And probably is sweet. No one is saying one can't parade around your pudenda and not be sweet. I just wonder what the sisters and mom would say if they ever saw that video or photos of hers.

Chris tells Vancouver Girl he's a touchy-feely guy. VG prefers words. So there's an obvious disconnect there but they seem to dig each other. Or maybe he just likes that she's quick to strip in public.

Sitting around the fire, one of them says they're the luckiest girls in the world. Kelsey the Komplainer says, "Really?" Someone calls her on it. They're on to her. She's a real "phoney-baloney," says another (the fake Virgin, I think it was).

Another commercial and we're still on this camping date. On Bachelor Canada, it would have been over in 4 minutes. Hell, the happy couple would be on their honeymoon already. And probably broken up.

Crazy Ashley's turn with Chris. She gazes into his eyes and says, "What are you?" Fair enough question. For someone batshit crazy. She's making no sense. Again. Chris starts talking and she just kisses and tells him she really loves him and everything about him. She says, "I hope that resonates within your mind tonight." Maybe she's faking craziness, just like all the other fakers in the house. I think she's just allergic to alcohol.

The Sexy Fake Virgin tells Chris she doesn't like guys very easily, but she really likes him. And she kisses like a pro. I guess that's understandable if she's spent all her non-sex time just kissing. She thinks that extendo-kiss was enough to cement her a rose. But was that good enough for Chris? He gives it to someone who's always made him feels comfortable. No, not the Sexy Fake Virgin Kisser, who goes topless at the lake, but Vancouver Girl, who goes bottomless. She admits she's drunk. But she holds it well. Except for the bikini bottoms thing.

Now the Virgin girl has to step up her game by sneaking into Chris' tent to tell him she's a virgin and she's never had a boyfriend. Chris was sound asleep. Snoring, in fact.

Chris tells her he felt she was a smart, well-rounded girl. She says she's "inexperienced in every way possible" but never uses the v-word. She just alluded to it, but thinks he got it. I can guarantee he didn't get it. "I have no idea what she was saying at all," he confirms. She wanted him to know she's not a hook-up girl and then attacked his lips one more time for good measure. In a tent. Alone. At night.

The group date is finally over. Back at the house, they all talk about the 1-on-1 date and not one person on the group date complains about the unfairness of it all. Oh wait... here's the Fake Virgin. She's complaining but only because she thought she should have got the date, not at the injustice that no one in her group even stood a chance.

Jade is being made up by an old pink-haired woman. What they don't realize is that Jade doesn't need to be made up. She is absolutely fine au naturale. But she did get to keep her shoes and diamond earrings. She makes her entrance to gasps and jealous half-smiles. Then she exits to a white Daimler or Bentley or similar high end classy automobile. The Fake Virgin, a Cinderella wannabe, is beside herself that she's not on this date.

I didn't mention that this Cinderella date is a surprise to Chris. At least, he doesn't know who his date will be. Chris practices waltzing by himself because they're going to a formal ball. You can almost see him counting "1-2-3" to himself.

Chris asks Jade about herself. She tells him she was engaged when she was 21, then quickly turns it to him before the nude modelling stuff comes up. He says he was also engaged. Did we know that? I didn't.

At the house, the Sexy Fake Virgin dons her princess dress and parades around, finally sitting by herself eating corn on the cob and sipping white wine over a wilted rose. As virgins do.

Jade talks about Nebraska, as she did with Chris's sisters, which is what sealed the deal for her, I think. Chris is smitten with Jade's inner beauty. Okay, he's definitely seen the video.

Chris gives the rose to Jade, sweating like the pigs he doesn't farm. Jade accepts, dryly. Then he has one last surprise for her. He leads her upstairs to an orchestra. Finally some musicians with talent on this show! The two dance. Alone. This is the formal ball he was talking about. Maybe they were early.

And up on a screen, they get competition from Cinderella, dancing with her Prince Charming. I guess there's a new movie coming out.

At the stroke of fake-midnight, Jade runs off with her rose. Chris says he's not going to overlook her anymore.

The next group date is for six. They each got a wedding dress. Jillian, the Princess Warrior, is out of her element, she says. She's not used to looking so lady-like. Now I'd love to see the black rectangle!

They fly off on a private jet to San Francisco. But there will be no walking down the aisle. Instead, they're going to do a muckfest obstacle course. They'll dirty themselves up jumping through muddy waters in their gowns. The winner gets a 1-on-1 date with Chris. More unfairness for the first group of girls. These six already had the chance for a 1-on-1 with his sisters and lost.

Quote of the night: "I had balls swinging at my face." Can't remember who said it but had to include it.

Ms. Universe, aka the Princess Warrior, aka Rectangle Girl, aka Jillian, leads the pack by far. Someone wonders if her biceps are bigger than Chris's. I'd say they're close. She gets the date. She says, "Hopefully they'll let me shower."

Yes, she's showered. And sporting a short skirt so I now get what the rectangle was all about. Holy Kim Kardashian!

Chris asks the generic "Where do you see yourself in five years?" question. Jillian hates the question and explains her reasons. And explains. And explains. Chris feels he's on the receiving end of this converation. "When Jillian's talking I get very confused because the words come out faster than my mind can process," he says. "Occassionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. It's quite beautiful." Yes, she would wear the pants in that pairing. Which is surprising considering the size of her booty.

At dinner she talks about her daddy's dirty humour, and that's where she gets it from. Chris just wants a nice romantic evening. So she tries her best: "Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl. You don't know what she has. This bitch is talking to her reflection. Like, she's crazy. Bird in her hair, the whole nine. Or abstain from sex for five years?" There we go! Romance!

We don't get to hear Chris's answer. But she thinks it's going "good." "Do you know how awesome it's going to fucking feel to walk into that rose ceremony and have one already? Yeah, one more week with me, bitches!" Testosterone breeds cockiness.

Chris picks up the rose and lets her know that he's looking for his wife, not a drinking buddy. Well, he didn't say that last part. She interrupts him: "Let me tell you something. This whole setting here makes me really nervous." Chris understands but his gut is telling him something else. So she brings out the tears. She tells us she's disappointed in herself for not being in the moment and being vulnerable. So goodbye Princess Rectangle.

I guess maybe it was a blessing in disguise for the first group date that they never got the chance for a 1-on-1. Because they don't always end well.

Megan, who we hardly know, whips a ribbon out of her ample cleavage and blindfolds Chris. Then she whips out some fruit and chocolate. For someone who's spent so little time with Chris, it was a risky move blindfolding him. He probably needs more face time with her.

The Sexy Fake Virgin decides to get explicit about her innocence. She tells Chris straight-up she's a virgin. Chris did not see that coming. She says she's just waiting for the right person. He says he totally respects it. And doesn't kiss her. So she takes that to mean he's freaked out. Needless to say, she bawls, as virgins do. Maybe she really is one after all.

Mackenzie, the world-weary 21-year-old single mom, says the Virgin blows everything out of proportion, big or small.

The others find it hard to believe the Virgin is, in fact, a virgin. Everyone except No Kissing Becca. Turns out she's a virgin, too. That one I believe.

Britt tells Chris she heard Vancouver Girl was taking her clothes off and there was lots of talk about sex and that some of the girls were seriously considering going home after that. Surprising they'd include this if they didn't include any of the evidence. Or was she referring to the lake bum flash? Chris is on the defensive. He's stumbling around trying to explain why he keeps giving her roses. He says he's not rewarding inappropriate behaviour. Then he jumps up and leaves, leaving Britt shocked at his sudden departure.

Then he addresses the group saying if anyone questions his intentions, they're free to go home. Nobody knows what's happening. Except Britt.

Chris says he felt like things changed this week. We'll see what happens with the roses. He's got his game face on.

So far roses have been handed out to Vancouver Girl and Nude Jade. The others go in order to:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Carly the Crooner
3. Blindfold Megan
4. Samantha
5. Mama Mackenzie
6. Kelsey the Komplainer (formerly the Delight)
7. Non-kissing Becca
8. Sexy Fake Virgin
9. Britt, the Free Hugger

Goodbyes to Crazy Ashley, Sad Juelia, and NFL Nikki. Crazy Ashley wasn't worried about Crazy Ashley. And she had one thing to say to Chris... "Nothing."

Next week they 11 + 1 are off to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Drama follows.