Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Farmer Chris: Two-on-one goes oh-for-two

Thanks for all the comments last week. Well, there were four of 'em, but I'll take what I can get. Anonymous says s/he gets the impression I'm anti-virgin. Let me address that. I'm not anti-anything except making a big deal out of something personal just to set yourself apart from the others. I guess mostly I'm anti-credo. It has nothing to do with any skills one might or might not possess. I'm all for situational virginity, though.

Oh, right, it's Kelsey weeping on the floor with 9-1-1 on its way. I forgot about that. I love not thinking about the show all week so it's all fresh and new when I tune in. She's freaking out because the cocktail party has been cancelled after her tragic tale was told to Farmer Chris. At least it seems that way. Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

Kelsey would like to talk to Chris. While inhaling oxygen through a mask, she tells her attendant that she's going to get a rose tonight for sure – and laughs! That's quite a turnaround.

Chris to the rescue. She tells him she was just a little overwhelmed. She didn't know he'd bring up their conversation to the girls and cancel the cocktail party. He consoles her and she immediately feels better. They hug. And then kiss. The others felt – quite rightly – this whole thing wasn't fair. Back with the others, she tells them she's embarrassed by her little episode. She laughs and tells them that she was saying such delirious things while she was on the floor. I'm not a medical professional but if she was really delirious, would she remember what she said? That's very lucid delirium, I'd say.

But she's all smiles and jokes now, especially because she's pretty darn sure she's getting a rose. She has no need to worry. She's saying she's sure she'll end up married to Chris and this is where it all starts. It would be so cool if she didn't get a rose. But we know the producers love to keep a crazy around for the drama. So we'll see. No doubt they'll save her for the last rose to build the tension.

Here's the much anticipated rose ceremony. Chris apologizes for cancelling the party. He felt he couldn't give 110% of himself – which is exactly right because it's impossible to give 110%.

Already rosed? Let me check last week's record. They really should remind us of these things. Britt the Dirty Hippy, Cartoon Whitney and Carly the Crooner are all safe from elimination. The roses go in order to:

  1. Jade the Playmate
  2. Vancouver Girl
  3. Megan the World Traveller
  4. Becca the Real Virgin
  5. Sexy Fake Virgin
  6. Kelsey the Koo-Koo Komplainer
Told ya she'd get the last rose. This show is so predictable.

That means Baby Mama Mackenzie and someone named Samantha are going home. Commenter Barbara was right last week. Samantha, we hardly knew ye. Samantha for Bachelorette!!!

Vancouver Girl is pissed off that Kesley is still around. She wanted to punch her right in the "teeth holder." She'd have to wait in line, methinks.

Chubby Chris is putting on his shirt showing off his gut. Then they're off to Deadwood, South Dakota, where Calamity Jane "did her business." I don't really like potty talk, but that's an interesting historical fact anyway, I think you'll agree. At the very least, it's another stamp for Megan's passport.

First date card: Real Virgin Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Kelsey is not happy. "It's not okay," she says. She needs reassurance if she's going to commit herself more. Chris better get on it.

Chris walks through a wheat field prior to his date. A limo arrives on a dirt road and Becca hops out. Chris doesn't care if they kiss or not, he says. But it's probably all Becca can think about. Also: What is it with virgins and fake eyelashes?

They're going horseback riding. Chris thinks Becca looks smoking hot on the horse. She's a natural. Apparently that swaying motion has loosened her up. She's talking kiss.

Carly the Crooner is seething over Kelsey. Ditto Cartoon Whitney, who brings it up with Kelsey. Whitney, Carly and Vancouver Girl ask Kelsey about her asking to speak to Chris and saying she better get a rose out of it while she was lying on the floor. Kelsey laughs nervously then quickly cries. She says she's never had a panic attack before. Still hasn't, as far as I'm concerned.

Understandingly, Kelsey tells the camera, "I get it, I'm blessed with eloquence and I'm articulate and I use a lot of big words because I'm smart." She adds she didn't come on the show to "be defeated"; she came on "to win it." I'm lost in all that big, fancy word-talkin'. She's won me over.

This is taking precedence over the boring date with Becca. The couple sits by a fire roasting kebabs, laughing. Becca loves the Farmer's girly laugh. Chris says it's the "most easy" date he's been on. Ironic considering it's with a virgin.

They talk five-year plans and kids. They both want lots of children. Then the Real Virgin tells about a past relationship. Didn't get much from it. Neither did her former boyfriend, apparently.

Cartoon Whitney, Playmate Jade, the Dirty Hippy, Vancouver Girl, the Crooner and the World Traveller are going on the group date. Meaning Kelsey and the Sexy Fake Virgin are going on the 2-on-1.

Still by the fire, Becca and Blue Balls Chris are still talking. No kissing. Yet. I think he's got dead wood in Deadwood.

He picks up the rose and offers it to her. She accepts and gives him a little kiss and then hugs him. Since that went so well, she decides to go full-blown. She says it "felt right." Then she apologizes to her father. That's a little weird.

Here's the group date. Six girls and the Farmer making "sweet" music together. He tells them country music is a big part of his life. He loves country music. Jade, bless her heart, says she's not really excited. Not sure if that's because she doesn't want to perform or she's simply a music lover.

Two cowboys enter to help them write some tunes. No idea who they are. Cartoon Whitney is starstruck, which tells me something about her and nothing about them.

Carly the Crooner is pumped because she's a singer, "that's what I do." Remember, though, the frontrunners rarely shine in these situations. It's their race to lose.

Jade is caught up in her head. She's got writer's block. Says she's on the "struggle bus." That's redundant, isn't it? Any time you're on a bus, you're struggling. The hipper of the two cowboys gets her up running down the street of Deadwood to get her juices flowing. Now she's feeling comfortable. See, country music is easy.

The Dirty Hippy and Chris are kissing, wrapped in each others' arms, while the others are sitting around trying to pen their ditties. Jade says it's hard to write a love song about somebody when he's clearly really into somebody else. Sounds like a country song to me: "It's so hard to write a love song/ 'bout a man/ when he's into somebody else." Just add a wind-up fiddler and you've got a Nashville hit.

Chris starts it up by showing the ladies how not to do it. He gets on stage with an ancient banjo player. He is awful. Which is to say, he's got what it takes to be a big country star.

The Dirty Hippy goes first. "I can hear that sweet, sweet music playing in my ear whenever you're around... duh duh duh-duh..." She actually sang, "duh duh duh-duh." And Chris actually remarked, "Everything she says in that song is how I feel when I'm with her." But I think Chris is probably often thinking duh, duh, duh-duh.

Cartoon Whitney sings, "Let's have some fun, no whining. That's what our date card said...." No whining? It's country music! Get with the program!

Vancouver Girl rhymed fever with "touch my beaver." Because she's Canadian and the beaver is the national symbol. I have no idea why the network felt the need to bleep out our national symbol.

Megan warbled, "Baby I'm speechless." Good move.

Carly the Crooner sits Chris down and sings to him. Her words spoke straight to Chris' heart, he said. And no, it wasn't "duh duh duh-duh." Don't remember what it was, though. She was pretty good, but that's to be expected, her being a professional cruise ship singer and all. Vancouver Girl says she was almost in love for them.

Jade goes last. She thought it was going to go horribly wrong. "I'm taking a gamble on love in hopes we're two of a kind," she sang. Even though she was awful, she thought it turned out okay. Um, well then. But the rules of The Bachelor are that the most insecure person who gives it a real shot is the winner. We'll see. Because as they keep telling us, there are no rules this season.

Oh, look, Chris says Jade killed it. He sits with her and she tells him she can see being with him in Iowa. They kiss. She thinks she'll get the rose. But there's no rose sitting there. Will there be one?

When Chris sits down with Britt, he grabs her by the hand and takes her outside and they run away. The others feel it's the Britt and Chris show. Chris admits his relationship with her is "weird." In a positive way.

Hey, look who's putting on an outdoor concert. It's those two cowboys and their band in front of a giant American flag, the backdrop to every country band everywhere. Chris and the Dirty Hippy kiss in the crowd. The cowboys see him and call him up onto the stage. There's the rose! Chris takes the mic and offers it to her on stage and they kiss while the crowd cheers. Then the band kicks in a high-tempo number and the couple dances. The others are going to be so happy for her, I can just feel it!

They've been gone for over an hour. The Crooner says she knows Britt's going to come home with no lipstick on anymore. I seriously doubt that's even possible. They walk into the room hand in hand. The others aren't impressed, nor should they be. He tells them he gave Britt a rose and tries to pass it off saying giving it to her in front of everyone just wasn't very appropriate. What a gentleman.

He walks away knowing they're all hurt. Even the unflappable Vancouver Girl was crying. So much for the underdog Jade getting the rose. Or the overdog Carly. Nope, went to the one who penned those meaningful words, "Duh duh duh-duh."

Cartoon Whitney is upset because Britt hates country music and she herself loves that band. Forget about that; it was just a pretty shitty move for a group date. Maybe if they knew going in to it that the person with the rose would get to go to the concert, they wouldn't be so upset. But the way it went down sucked. Even if the prize sucked, too.

Both the Sexy Fake Virgin and Kelsey the Komplainer are way too confidant for their 2-on-1 date. I wouldn't be surprised if both were sent home. SFV describes herself in this scenario as "Glinda the good witch" while Kelsey is the "wicked witch of the west."

They drive to an open field and are whisked away by chopper to Mt. Rushmore. It looks a lot smaller than I pictured it. Kelsey, the self-described brainiac, names all four presidents: Washington, Roosevelt, Jefferson and Lincoln. SFV rolls her eyes. Or maybe she's just staring up to her eyelashes.

Next they go to the Badlands and touch down. There's a canopied bed in a field on some mismatched carpets. They sit on the bed. The women sip white wine; Chris something in a tumbler.

Vancouver Girl says if Kelsey is still in the picture after this date, "I am not for him."

The Sexy Fake Virgin gets the first alone time. They smooch on a blanket. She tells Chris the only outlier in the house is Kelsey, that she's very strategic in her moves, and that all the girls in the house think she's fake. A different kind of fake than SFV's fake.

"I may be a virgin but I'm sexy and she is not," says the Sexy Fake Virgin. She must be reading my blog!

They walk back to Kelsey, who's reclining on the bed. Then she walks off with the Farmer. She tells him, "I'm prepared to be a wife because I've been one." That's what everyone is looking for in a wife, right? Someone with experience being a wife.

Chris tells Kelsey that the Sexy Fake Virgin just told him she's being fake. Why would he sell her out like that? That's gotta be a Bachelor first. When someone rats someone out, they themselves don't get ratted out. But Kelsey plays it perfectly, saying she's gobsmacked, that SFV was someone she thought she could trust and could be friends with. She's a very convincing liar, isn't she? I think it may be the dimples. Commenter 'runner mom' from last week thinks the Komplainer has a narcissistic personality disorder. I think 'runner mom' is on to something.

The Komplainer says she would hate for him "to let go of all of the potential between them because of girl talk." Chris sighs heavily and says he understands. Boy, she's good. She tells us SFV has way too much makeup on to be genuine. Okay, she's got a point there.

The girls sit on the bed together, alone. Kelsey shoots her daggers. SFV ignores her, looks off into the distance and sips wine. "I know what you did. And I do not appreciate it," says Kelsey. "What did I do? You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words? That's hilarious. Sorry, I'm not from Pleasantville; I'm from frickin' 2014," says the Eyelashes. She reminds Kelsey that they both have their Masters. Okay, now I'm gobsmacked.

Kelsey tells SFV she still respects her. SFV responds coldly, "Okay," and walks off. She storms right past Chris. He grabs her hand. Crying, she says, "Why did you tell her what I said to you?" She's got a good point. She's got her Masters, after all.

They sit down. "How can you possibly listen to her?" she asks him. Chris consoles her. He tells her Kelsey said it was a difference of maturity between the two of them. Kinda proves her point with SFV bawling.

God, those eyelashes are something else, aren't they?

Chris starts in heavily: "Regardless of what happened today, I feel like at this point in my life that we're at different places. I feel in my gut, in my heart, in knowing the lifestyle that I live and the world I live in, I don't know that you'd be happy...." I guess he couldn't see those eyelashes, bare midriff and dangling bellybutton ring on the farm. Clearly he's never seen Green Acres.

Then Chris' words register in SFV and she pipes up: "Wait, you think that Britt wants that lifestyle? Seriously?" Again, good point. And she could have picked any name from anyone else left. She needn't have singled out the Dirty Hippy. None of them wants that lifestyle, guaranteed.

Sexy Fake Virgin bawls and walks off. Then gathers herself and walks back. They hug then she says, "Just know I tried to help you."

Back at the hotel, the girls watch SFV's bags being taken away. They are in shock and confused knowing this means Kelsey will be returning. Or does it?!

Chris walks back to Kelsey and sits with her. Please send her home. He sighs heavily again. He tells her he just sent SFV home. Kelsey is really, really good at faking empathy. She's a pro, that one. He's struggling for words. Again. (I think Juan Pablo spoke better English than Chris.) He says he just doesn't know if it's there between them. She nods. He says she deserves someone who's 110% in and he can't be that for her. See above comment on 110%.

She tells him it's okay if it's not her. So much for being his wife and winning. Then he walks to the waiting helicopter and leaves them both stranded in the Badlands to be eaten by wolves.

Someone comes to the hotel to remove the Koo-koo Komplainer's bags and there's a celebration by the women like they've just been told they're going to some exotic locale.

Kelsey is unfazed by her own departure. "My story is amazing. It's tragic and it's inspiring and it's beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed," she says. She will survive because she's lost before and survived. She's a regular Gloria Gaynor. She rises above everything, she tells us. Maybe for sheer entertainment value we should campaign for Kelsey for Bachelorette.

Anyway, nailed it again. Two for two in predictions this week. So predictable.

No rose ceremony again. We've got an extra episode for that on Sunday night. And it's the Dirty Hippy like we've never seen her before, says Chris Harrison. And Jade reveals her Playboy secret. Or maybe that's Monday. All I know is it's one more episode than necessary next week.

In the outtake section at the end, we see Chris and Becca on their date. He says if a woman is a good shot, she's a ten in his books. Cut to Becca shooting down cans and bottles from a log. She'd never picked up a gun before yet out-shot Chris. That bodes well for her.


Kelly said...

Thanks for the always spot on commentary...putting aside all the Kelsey crazy, the SFV's dramarama and laugh/cry (seriously, was she laughing or crying or what?), my main concern is whether or not bare midriff is back in style as acceptable attire for outside of the gym. I do not approve.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog. Such great writing and humor! Thank you for doing it!

Anonymous said...

Hey there big word user, didn’t know what credo meant so had to look it up it said “credo - is a statement of religious belief” so still don’t know what you meant. Speaking of looking things up, a little effort from the blogger would have determined that Big and Rich are one of country music’s biggest stars.
That was a jerky move by Chris, it at least should have been one of those groups dates where the group gets sent home and the fav keeps going. Don't know about this Chris guy, seems nice but he's a little out of his element so has done some jerky things, like ratting out a ratter etc.
SFV may have been over dramatic but as you pointed out, asked the tough questions, which based on next weeks previews, get answered,and not in the way Chris was hoping. I guess it’s back to one of those three girls from Chris’s high school that were in the crowd on the first show or so.
If it was NYC or LA Chris then maybe Brit, but overall I think Cartoon Whitney is his best bet or maybe BRV.
Judgey, judgey re bare midriff. Do you not look at any of the mags in the grocery store when your standing in line? Or around when your at the mall or pretty much any public place. Crop tops, as the style is called has been back for several seasons now. Did you miss the crop top wedding dress on the last Vanderpump Rules? You’re only young & hot for a few fleeting moments so let the girls dress as they will. Sounds a little like jealousy from someone likely well past their best crop top days. I do not approve of your disapproval.