Juan Pablo 5: Doing the deed in the deep, indeed!

That's how you do it, Sean Lowe! I hope the newlywed was watching as Juan Pablo deflowered the first of many señoritas well ahead of the Fantasy Suite formal offering. I can't believe JP actually took advice from the virginal Sean before heading into his adventure this season. That's like Rafael Nadal getting tennis tips from me before heading out to a Grand Slam event. JP knows what he's doing. It's just funny he continues to pay lip service to his daughter throughout it all.

Yes, JP and Clare did indeed do the deed in the deep. But we'll get to that. Let's take it in order, shall we?

This week Juan Pablo took his eleven ladies to the magical destination of Vietnam. The beauty of chickens in cages throughout the streets and people sailing in giant wicker bowls on murky waterways. Not only that but birds! Did you catch that? Nurse Nikki pointed in awe and exclaimed, "Birds!" Sure enough, a dozen seagull-like avians alit from the waters. You had to be there, I guess, but it was pretty spectacular.

Den Mother Renee got the first one-on-one date card, asking, "Are we the right fit?" It sounded more foreboding than it actually was. She was really excited, not only about the one-on-one but at the prospect of getting her first kiss from JP. She was so excited, in fact, her hands hurt... Wait, let me run that back again... Yup, that's what she said: her hands hurt.

D.A. Andi, meanwhile, was "super-worried." She was this week's Nikki, who reverted back to her nice, normal persona.

LITERALLY count: "We have travelled literally to the other side of the world." – Renee. VERDICT: Wrong. A globe doesn't have sides. But Viet Nam is still not on the opposite side of the globe from California. A quick glance at my globe tells me it's Madagascar, or thereabouts, although a case could be made for Iran, if you want to stay in the Northern Hemisphere. But that's eyeballing it. It's not literal.

Renee is a natural beauty, if you ask me, and seems like a solid person. You know Sharleen is my favourite, but I'd put Renee right up there with her. And Renee, unlike Shar-Sar, actually wants to be there.

We were led to believe that JP was on the fence with Renee, but if that were the case, he'd be nuts. And he's not nuts. He's a horndog, but he's not nuts. But he hadn't kissed her yet so what gives? And with the date card questioning if they were a fit, one had to wonder. Even on their date, he hailed a pedicab, then proceeded to steal it, hopping on the seat and pedalling away while Renee sat alone up front. He risked arrest rather than having to sit uncomfortably beside the single mom.

But you see the date card was also a pun! Ah, good times. Renee was to be measured for her own Vietnamese dress. The seamstress spent an awfully long time measuring her bust. Or at least the camera man (it had to be a dude) getting every possible angle. Even JP stuck his head right in close to read the tape that said 36. Nothing untoward here. He was probably just checking for his daughter.

Renee wasn't all that comfortable because she was sweating profusely. Or maybe it was just hot. Either way, it's super attractive, am I right, fellas?! So much so that JP just took off. He returned with a fan to cool her down. Oh, that Juan Pablo. He has a way with women.

"He makes me feel beautiful," said Renee, who does a pretty good job of being beautiful all by herself. She is smitten. And when JP suggests getting gifts for her Ben and his Camila, Renee is "speechless." And she really wants to kiss him. Still.

She wears her new frock that night and she looks gorgeous in it, as she would have looked no matter what she wore. And her eyes "hypnotize" Juan Pablo. He also thinks, "Honestly, there could be something here." So he offers her the rose and... no kiss. Just a quick peck on the cheek and a hug. Hey, she has a son! How could this father of a daughter possibly kiss a woman with a son? Grow up, people!

Renee, naturally, took it all in stride. No weird drama from her. She said, "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight, that's okay." She amended that to, "It's whatever. It is what it is." This woman is too normal and well-adjusted for this show. What's she hiding?!

Next up was another one-on-one date, only this time with eight other women tagging along. The eight paired up while Clare and JP formed a union in one of those wicker teacup boats. They wound up in weeds and JP took the time to forget about his daughter and start making out with the 32-year-old hairdresser. To her credit, she appeared to back away as his mouth lurched to hers. I didn't think she should have been the subject of catty remarks just because she didn't pair up with anyone. It's not like she jumped forward to put her claim on JP.

Andi the Whiner found a moment to whisper to Juan Pablo about her worries. JP reminded her, "Didn't you get a group date rose?" He resisted the urge to add, "Then shut your trap."

On a walk, they come across a farmer who leads them to his house. Totally unplanned! The man had ten extra Asian field worker hats lying around, which coincidentally was the exact number of his guests. (It's also possible he just went around the house scooping up all his lamp shades.) He sent them out to the fields to pretend to farm, then his wife, I'm guessing, whipped up a meal using all the strange and wonderful produce they pretended to pick. Would Clare, who wouldn't try octopus without a scene, try it? That was the big question. Or not so much. The editors obviously forgot they made her out to be a very picky eater last week. No issues at all this week. It's this consistency that marks this as one of the top shows on television.

At their night party, JP takes his date Clare off while the other eight tag-alongs sit and pick their noses. Up to JP's suite they go, because, remember, he's totally not on a group date or anything. He "just wanted to have a good time with her and make her feel special." That's all. Oh, and look, she happens to have her bikini with her! May as well slip it on and go for a dip in his pool.

It's a chilly night and a chilly pool. Clare does the Jillian Leg-Wrap® in the water while Camila sits home and cries. And Renee, too, probably.

To be fair, JP spends some time with the others, too. He takes beautifully quirky Shar-Shar, bare back and all, for a walk on the beach. It won't surprise you to learn that Sharleen is questioning their connection again. She "feels like another face in the crowd again." Juan Pablo eases her stress by ramming his tongue down her throat. If you're wondering, it's okay because by this time little Camila would have fallen asleep.

Shar had a checklist of questions she was going to fire at Juan Pablo but those kisses knocked them right out of her head.

LITERALLY count: "I mean, literally it is gut-wrenching at times to see these girls have one-on-one time with Juan Pablo." – Andi. VERDICT: Sorry, wrong again. Her stomach was not literally being twisted and turned. It may have felt like that, but I'm pretty sure it stayed in place.

Andi got her own one-on-one time, as they always do. She also went to the beach and "next thing you know, we're sucking face again. Sorry Mom, another episode you can't watch." So allow me to extrapolate: Andi has strict restrictions on the television for her mother, while JP can't stop his four-year-old daughter from watching anything she wants at all hours? Got it.

Clare got the rose, which is only fitting because it was her one-on-one date, afterall. She got it for supposedly doing things out of her comfort zone. I guess that was when she backed away in the giant floating teacup when JP went in for the kiss.

Andi was confused and was wondering what she was even doing there.

But that was not the end of the date. Now we're at the part we led off with. It's 4 in the morning. Clare has the sudden urge to knock one item off her bucket list: she wants to swim in the ocean. I'm not sure Clare is clear on the concept of a bucket list, but whatever. It's something she's always wanted to do. So she sneaks up to JP's room. It is 4 a.m. but who knows when the group called it a night because JP is still dressed. She floats her idea past him and because he's a gentleman who obviously wants her to feel comfortable, he agrees. It also helped that he said she's "on fire" and added "aye yi yi."

I'm sure it was also his concern for her safety in the briny that "he was holding on pretty tight and not letting go." Of course, from the camera shots from shore in the dark, we couldn't see anything that, say, a four-year-old girl would raise her eyebrows at. But Clare raised her eyebrows – literally! – when she said they "just went for it. Pure bliss. In every way." Nuff said. The whole thing was hard for her to even process, "just like a newborn giraffe with wobbly legs"... Okay, so analogies aren't her thing, but cut her some slack, she was hardly thinking straight at that point.

The last one-on-one date went to the newly normal Nurse Nikki, back from her one-week purgatory as the in-house Whiner. Earlier Juan Pablo described the woman he's looking for as fun, smart and mature. After so much camera time with two 32-year-olds in Renee and Clare, the 26-year-old Nikki seemed decidedly less mature. Actually, I'm not sure Clare seemed all that mature, but at 32 one thinks of it more as 'youthful'. But no matter, she just seemed really young. Could have been the headband she was wearing, though.

JP describes Nikki as "gorgeous, smart and sexy." That'll do for now.

They go on a date to Hell. Turns out Hell is the cave's name. The idea is they'd go rappelling down into the abyss but get this... Nikki is afraid of heights! No way, right?! What are the odds?! She was frozen in fear but you knew she was going to do it. They always do it. Her que sera, sera attitude was, "I either live or I die or I poop my pants." Of these three, we know that she didn't die. That's all we need to know. She said it was "a lot like falling in love. You're trusting the other person and you also have very little control." She might have been talking about her bowels, but we can't be sure.

At the bottom, Juan Pablo whipped out his tongue and the two got it on. It was the gentlemanly thing to do. Camila would understand.

At dinner in another cave, Juan Pablo, fresh off his ocean adventure with Clare, admitted that he "didn't sleep that much last night." He could barely contain his inner dude. He was dying to tell someone he shagged Clare and Nikki was right there, but he ultimately decided to just hint at it.

Nikki asked if he couldn't sleep because he was so excited about their upcoming date. Juan Pablo didn't miss a beat, saying, "You're funny! No, it was because I was having sex in the sea." (He didn't say the second sentence but you could tell he really wanted to.)

Nikki said she's not a morning person. And we already knew JP isn't. I think she might have ruined her shot with him. He wants someone to wake up with his daughter on weekends, I'm sure. They can't both be sleeping in. Yin and yang.

She admitted she's never dated anyone with a child before, but JP was impressed with her fantastic heart. "She cares a lot about people and that's too attractive to me," he said. He called her a "potential wife" and gave her a rose.

The cocktail party was set amongst colourful lanterns – "the perfect setting for a first kiss," said ever-hopeful Renee. She really was a darling. I can't help but imagine what she's thinking watching all of this at home on her TV, seeing everyone else get full-on lip locks and that special Clare getting the full-on Full Monty while she eagerly and politely awaits first base.

JP assembled his guests and informed that three would be going home at the end of the evening. So... enjoy! Clare proposed a toast: "Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love!" met with confused looks and nervous titters.

Andi, playing the role of Nikki this week, said she didn't know if she was beyond the physical with Juan Pablo. The suave South American told her not to be nervous and then said en español, "Gimme a little kiss." Question answered.

Meanwhile, this was Renee's moment. When she sat down with the man of her dreams, he told her his reasons for not kissing her: "I don't want Ben to be pissed at me." Renee was nonplussed: "He knows what I'm doing," she said. Bang, it's on! He moves right on in and they go at it fiercely. "It was definitely worth the wait," glowed Renee.

But now JP was having second thoughts about fornicating with Clare. He said he made a mistake and took it too far. When he sat down with Clare, he told her it was a little weird for him. She was perplexed and he answered that he's "too fair" with people. There are 10 other women there, afterall. Clare's point was that she was just doing what she'd be doing even if there weren't 10 other women there, if there weren't cameras following them around. Fair point. But as Juan Pablo pointed out, "We're not in that situation."

He brought up his daughter again, which brought Clare to tears. "It wasn't my intention to disrespect your daughter," she said. "I feel stupid and embarrassed." Now JP was on the defensive, going into papa mode, consoling Clare, telling her it was okay. Clare responded, "It's not okay or you wouldn't have brought it up with me." Little did either of them know the final footage was innocuous. There's no way a 40-year-old, let alone a 4-year-old, could tell what they were doing in the ocean that looked any worse than what we've already seen on land.

When the other girls saw Clare's tears, without knowing what happened, she covered it up like a pro: "Bad allergies, girl," she told them. But she was still upset. "It takes a lot for me to open up," she said. Uh, not that much, apparently. Just a gentle surf pounding on the shore.

She offered to give her rose back but JP refused. After all, there's plenty of ocean in New Zealand, where they're heading to next.

At the rose ceremony, Clare, Nikki and Renee were all safe. JP would hand out five more roses. And they went to:

1. Sharleen the Opera Queen
2. Cassandra the former NBA dancer/groupie
3. Chelsie the science educator
4. Kat
5. D.A. Andi

They left Andi for last only because she was fretting all episode, but there was no doubt be chosen. Meanwhile Danielle, who's only been a rumour all season, wasn't fretting at all. At least she got to leave with her dignity intact. And her anonymity. Along with Danielle, Nanny Alli and Dog Lover Kelly all went home. Danielle said she knew there wasn't a strong connection. Spoken like a true psychiatric nurse. Alli took it a little harder, but not much. And there was no footage of Kelly saying anything.

Juan Pablo cried more than any of the three he sent home. But what was up with my garl Sharl? Tears were streaming down her face. This is when you're supposed to be raising a glass to the next stage of the adventure and all smiles. But she's a different one, that Shar. God love her.

In the upcoming highlights, though, it's hinted that she's going to leave on her own at some point. I hope this is nothing more than a false tease.

Juan Pablo 4: No kisses for you!

Did anyone catch the deflowering of Sean Lowe on Sunday? That was riveting, wasn’t it? I confess I don’t pay too much attention to Bachelor/ette details, so I always assumed it was Catherine who was holding out until marriage. Turns out it was Sean. I had no idea he was that religious. Catherine was rip-raring to go, by the sounds of things. Maybe Sean was, too. He was talking a big game, but when pushed on his upcoming performance debut, he eventually admitted he might have to take a mulligan. Awkward.

But back to regular programming. Juan Pablo was going to take his 13 women off to an exotic locale. But “I cannot be happy right now,” he said. That’s because he’d have to leave his darling daughter behind. But she’s never far from his thoughts. I should do a Camila Count and time how long it is between each mention of her. If you picked the under on two minutes, you’d probably win.

We all know reality TV isn’t actual reality. We know that. But as long as it tries to come across as reality, I can’t help but take it literally and call them out when things are so obviously not real. I’m convinced the girls are encouraged to scream like contestants on The Price is Right when they’re told where they’re going. I mean, they always go somewhere interesting but really, was there a need for giddy excitement for Seoul, South Korea? Was that a dream destination for them?

Clare wasn’t even sure what Korea was. She squealed, “Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” That makes as much sense as saying, “Korea?! I don’t even speak Chinese!” Or, “Korea?! I don’t even like fish & chips!” Quick lesson: Koreans wear something similar looking to the Japanese kimono, but it’s called a hanbok. (They also speak Korean and eat kimchi.)

Juan Pablo was excited because he’s a man of the world – except when he’s at home in the United States, where he does nothing but speak Spanish, listen to Venezuelan music and eat Venezuelan food.

The first date was a group effort. And it also marks the beginning of the end for Nikki, if not in JP’s mind, in the minds of all viewers. What a whiny thing. She doesn’t thrive in group settings, she doesn’t share well, she’s a bad dancer, the other five girls are “quite annoying” and on and on and on. I used to like her. Not so much now.

How did JP decide on who to take on the date? He simply chose all the blonde leggy ones that look almost identical. It’s too early in the season for that. I’m still trying to figure out who’s who. Which leads us to:

LITERALLY count: “We literally have zero concept of what could be happening.” – maybe Chelsie. Or maybe Kat. But I think Chelsie. VERDICT: Can you count concepts? “We have two concepts of what could be happening”? Not sure there, either. I’m struggling. As for the ‘literally’, I guess they literally don’t know what the date will entail, but they might have a concept. FAIL!

The women were going to get the opportunity to be backup dancers with the insanely popular 21!... Who? You know, the biggest K-pop group in all of the Koreas! They’re as big as the Spice Girls, we’re told. That is, in the alternate reality where the Spice Girls were only popular in England and not the international sensations they were in real life. 21 is so popular they sell out malls all over South Korea. But when you think about it, their options are limited. They sing in Korean, hardly the lingua franca, which is spoken in two countries, the other one to their north which is their sworn enemy. And South Korea is about the geographical size of Portugal.

Kat, who knows how to shake her booty, is optimistic. “If this is based on dancing skills, I’m feeling confident about the rose.” But it never is. In fact, if you’re good at whatever the challenge is, that’s usually a sure sign that you won’t get the rose. It usually goes to the worst. Hi Nikki!

LITERALLY count: “Like, literally my childhood dream was to be, like, Britney Spears’ backup dancer. So now I get to be 21’s backup dancer.” – Kat. VERDICT: Like, I suppose. I can’t see into her dreams to know for sure, though. 

I really liked how they all pretended that K-pop is something. I mean, yes, it’s something in Korea and maybe to Koreaphiles, but had any of them heard any K-pop before? (For my money, J-pop is far superior but I’m biased because I used to live in Japan.) Still, 21 was just as known as any of the other no-names this series offers us on an almost weekly basis.

Narcissistic Nikki (I love when a new nickname jumps out at me) was sure that the cheering Koreans spread out over five mall storeys were all there to watch her dance horribly. From what I saw, she was fine. And not a single person in the crowd noticed.

Also interesting to see not a musician in site. Just questionably talented cute singer/dancers probably lip synching to a recorded track. And the crowd goes wild! K-pop: The Milli Vanilli of a new generation!

After the gig, JP and his posse head outside, where the adoring masses are waiting for a glimpse of their heroines. No, not the Bachelor beauties. 21, of course. But the Americans think otherwise. They make a run for it, à la the Beatles. Only nobody gave chase.

At the after-party, Kat, who danced to the beat of her own drummer during the show, wanted to let JP know she’s more than just fun and games. Nikki thought otherwise, of course. Determined not to be so cliché as to utter the dreaded “here for the wrong reasons,” she managed this: “Someone is here for more fun rather than something real.” A bit clunky but we applaud the effort.

To prove she’s not all fun and games, though, Kat outs her father as a severe alcoholic who had seven DUI’s, lived with his parents, and paid no child support. All the fun and games she exhibits actually couldn’t fit in with the rest of her baggage.

Narcissistic Nikki was on the outs with everyone. Cassandra called her catty, Danielle pegged her as a negative person, and Elise called her the most negative person there. She was probably just feeling out of sorts after having forgotten to pack her Clairol. Maybe that was her plan so she won’t be stuck on another group date with the blondes again.

Proving she’d make a great mom, when JP asked Nikki how she feels about Camila, she responded, “I’m a great diaper changer.” For those new to the show, Camila is five years old.

Deal sealed. JP offers Nikki the rose. Elise said it best when asked about it: “Yech.”

“I think everybody hates me right now but I’ve been myself,” said Narcissistic Nikki. Yes, that’s the problem. Don’t be yourself. We liked you before when you impersonated a nice, normal person.

Next up we got the requisite fake shower scene. JP was obliviously lathering himself with a camera pointed right at him. Again, he either showers with a bathing suit on, in which case ewww. Or he gets off on showering nude in front of relative strangers.

He was prepping for his one-on-one date with Sharleen, who was so excited to be chosen she said, stone-faced, “I’m happy.”

“I’ve liked Shar since day-one. She’s my favourite one right now,” said JP.

“I’ve liked Shar since day-one. She’s my favourite one right now,” said me, too.

“I don’t know if he’s the one for me,” said Shar, the Human Robot. But I think it’s her rationality and difference that I like so much. And I think that’s why JP likes her, too.

She opened up a little bit. We learned that as a kid, she harmonized to Disney songs, won a bunch of singing competitions, and got her Bachelors and Masters degrees in Voice Performance. JP tried to equate it to soccer, but it was a reach.

She also did her best to compliment her suitor: “You are not bland. And that is a very good thing,” said without a hint of emotion in her voice.

JP then forced her to sing against her will. This is not something she usually does on the first date. She will put out, presumably, but no singing! “Mister, this is our first real date!” she told him. The woman has principles.

So she warms up briefly, gets JP to close his eyes and she wanders away in the tea house, then lets loose with two bars of glass-shattering goodness. “You’re good,” JP, the expert, opines. Audition over. Or maybe his eardrums couldn’t take it any more. They kiss.

“I can definitely say, after having done sufficient research, that Juan Pablo is a good kisser,” Sharleen said. She thinks they have “a shot” to fall in love. Such a romantic!

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” said Mrs. Spock. JP told her she’s “different.” She said, searchingly, “But not weird different.” He reassured: “Not weird… A little weird.” Ah, the chemistry between man and cyborg is beautiful to behold!

Then proving that this “curious” South American man of the world can’t tell us North Americans apart, he asked her, after she spoke of her hard time at first living in Berlin, if she misses the United States. She didn’t feel the need to inform him that Ottawa, her hometown, was actually the capital of Canada, which is actually a separate country because in his world, there’s Venezuela and everywhere else.

Shar is so great, though, she couldn’t even bring herself to fib when he begged the question by asking her how many kids she wants. They were sitting six inches apart from each other, completely alone, and she answered, “Me?” She turned the question back on him. He wants two more. But he didn’t forget that she dodged the question and asked her again. “I’ve never even thought about it,” she said. She’s so career focused, everything else, including relationships, has taken a backburner.

She even dated a guy once with a 4-year-old daughter. Now was her chance to say how much she loved that kid and things just didn’t work out, blah, blah, blah. But her inner robot insisted, “Cannot tell a lie… cannot tell a lie…”. So she said she wasn’t ready for it.

And with that, the man who is looking for a mother for his daughter picked up the rose and began. “I like that you’re different, you have class… BUT I appreciate your honesty. Will you accept this rose?” Hey, conjunctions are tough for the ESL learner. Cut him some slack. Despite her ambivalence towards the very thing JP holds sacred, he said, “I feel fantastic about Sharleen.” He said they might be soul mates.

By the way, last night was the first time I’ve noticed his faux-hawk. Is it new or has he always sported it? I don’t know why I associate faux-hawks with soccer players, but I do.

The last date was another group one. It started with the gang at a karaoke box. As mentioned above, I’ve lived in Japan. I’ve done karaoke boxes. I’ve sung English songs there. For some reason, they decided to “sing” and dance to K-pop songs no one knew. Yeah, who doesn’t love to sing to songs they don’t know? Put it in a language you don’t know and it’s even more fun.

Next they went to have the dead skin off their feet eaten by fish. Always a fun time. Apparently, Den Mother Renee has the tastiest (i.e. stinkiest) feet because the fish flocked to her digits.

As they were walking through the crowded streets, the territorial Clare told JP not to make them eat octopus. Please, no octopus! And don’t look in that box! Whatever you do, don’t look in that box!

Of course, along came the giant octopus to put terror in Clare’s heart. Everyone took their little nibble from a toothpick, but Clare put a big production into refusing. She eventually did, but ended up spitting it into her hand.

LITERALLY count: “Clare is the most dramatic person I’ve ever seen. Her piece was literally this big” – holding her fingers an inch apart – “and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.” – Kelly, the dog lover, who was wise not to bring her pooch to Korea lest she be forced to sample it. VERDICT: Close but no cigar. Clare’s piece was a bit bigger than that.

At night, Renee the Den Mother got some alone time with JP. She still hasn’t kissed him, even though I would think she’s got to be a front-runner.

She mentioned missing her son. A little bit. “The hardest part is being away from Ben,” she said, before dismissing it with, “But it’s getting easier.” Out of sight, out of mind! A couple more weeks and she’s not even going to remember having a son.

Instead of aggressively going in for the elusive kiss, she played coy: “How would Camila feel if I kissed you?” she asked. Bad move. First of all, how would she even know? Secondly, a kid isn’t going to like anyone kissing that way.

“I would like to kiss Renee, but I’m thinking about Camila,” said JP. I don’t know if she put the thought in his head or he wasn’t going to kiss her anyway. He’s already kissed six of the 13 remaining women, but no more tonight, he said rather unfairly.

Next up was Andi’s turn. The D.A. really gets his sense of humour, and not everybody does. They reclined in each other’s arms naturally talking about life. JP revealed he loves to sleep in. Which is why, I guess, he’s looking for that step-mother to his child.

Lauren the Piano-Pusher also hasn’t had a kiss. Hell, she hasn’t had much of any contact with JP. Even though she’s not the most aggressive, she decides to give it the old college try. They start to slow dance and she asks for a kiss in Spanish. “Sorry, I have a daughter,” he tells her. Ouch. Apparently his daughter has a strick half-dozen cut-off when it comes to smooching with virtual strangers.

Lauren was upset. JP fathered her, as only JP can. But she was sensible after. She didn’t blame him or any of the other gals. “Why’d I do that,” she said once she regained her composure. “I feel like a fucking idiot. I might have blown it tonight.” No, that’s doubtful, too, Lauren. He has a daughter, remember.

Cocky Clare was not just going to try to kiss him; she was going to kiss him, come hell or high water. Remember, it was Clare who put this no-kissing idea into Juan Pablo’s head to begin with when she held out earlier. But now she wanted it. “I said no kissing but I didn’t say for how long,” she rationalized.

The strong-willed JP, thinking of his daughter, caved to his inner caveman. “But she is sexy, she’s hot… I couldn’t help it,” he said. Camila would be so proud of her papa. At least Clare was one of the original dirty half-dozen.

So who would the rose go to? You’d think Clare, right? Wrong. He surprised the pundits giving it to Andi. Granted, they had a really nice chemistry even without the kissing.

At the cocktail party, the three pre-rosed women, Nikki, Sharleen and Andi, agreed not to sabotage it for others whose futures were still up in the air. Very sporting, I thought. In fact, if I were Bachelor (and is there any good reason why I shouldn’t be? I mean, apart from being married and all), I would put that condition on it. I will not see anyone who already has a rose. No exceptions. Consequences: I’ll take away your rose. It’s just the kind of straight shooter I am.

But Narcissistic Nikki quickly breaks ranks and goes in for the kill, interrupting Cocky Clare. When she gets to JP, he tells her he knows that things in the house are heating up. “I think things in the house are fine,” she lies.

Clare won’t take it sitting down: “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness,” she says, and proceeds to get under the blanket with Nikki and gently and kindly suggest that Nikki is “one way with the girls and one way with him.” You go girl! Zzzzz….

With three already rosed, there’d be eight more roses to hand out. Here’s who they went to:

1. Den Mother Renee
2. Chelsie
3. Kelly the dog lover
4. Danielle
5. Cassandra
6. Allison
7. Cocky Clare
8. Kat

Which means we have to say goodbye to Lauren the Piano-Pusher and Ms. Elise. Elise was “bummed.” But her mother didn’t want her to be around such negative ugly people. Yes, ugly. “Not on the outside, but inside.” Lauren was hurt and wished she hadn’t pressed for a kiss like she had. “God, I made so many mistakes.” Both seemed fine at first but the more they talked about, the more teary they became. My wife thought the Den Mother Renee should have been assigned to walk each one out to console them.

Next week: A tour of duty in Nam! Squeals of delight! Viet Nam!

Juan Pablo 3: Gooooaaaal!

Hello there, boys and girls. Welcome back to Week 3 of Juan Pablo. And thank you for not calling me out on writing "Juan Paolo" last week. It was a mental blip. I've since gone back into the last post and edited my mistake so no one will be the wiser. I think that's poor blog etiquette. So sue me.

We were down to 15 this week from the original 27. So far, nobody seems too crazy. I like that. Oh, sure, there are still tears and hurt feelings, but nothing too far over-the-top.

We started the episode with JP and his daughter on a picnic. His parents are looking after her while he's on this noble quest for a step-mom. When it's time to go, he gives both mom and dad a peck on the cheek, as per Latin custom. But then he gives his daughter a kiss on the lips. I know some people do this and I'm not suggesting anything creepy. But at what point does it become inappropriate to kiss one's child square on the lips? His mom just gets cheek so it's got to stop sometime.

LITERALLY count: "My mom literally puts me in a castle with the perfect guy." I can't remember who said it but she was the blonde whose deceased mom is looking over her. Literally. VERDICT: Incorrect usage.

He never cooked for Cassandra

The first one-on-one date went to Cassandra, the former NBA dancer with a two-year-old son who hasn't had a date in three years. Cassandra is 21 years old. Let's stop and think about that for a second. Why is her career over at the young age of 21? Why hasn't she had a date since she was 18? Sherlock to the rescue! While she was showing photos of her kid to JP, I thought the child looked like he might be half-black. I put two and two together and surmised that perhaps the father of the child was an NBA player, accounting for her being a "former" NBA dancer (relationships with the players are frowned upon). A quick Bing search and... ta-da! Nailed it. The boy's father is Detroit Pistons guard Rodney Stuckey. Here's the hyperlinked evidence.

Juan Pablo took Cassandra to an awaiting car. Cassandra said the car "kinda reminded me of a jeep." You know, in the same way jeeps remind one of jeeps. (Weird. Typing "jeep" three – now four – times and I start questioning if it's the word I'm looking for. It seems like a fake word to me now.) Anyway, yes, it was, in fact, a jeep. Only this jeep is also a -slash-motorboat. He drove right into a lake and zoomed around, just like they do in the future.

Then back at his place, JP showed her his kid's fridge art. I know whoever he picks has to love his daughter, but fridge art? That requires a lot of acting chops I just don't think these women can sustain.

Poor Cassandra. And shame on Rodney Stuckey. She said, "The last time a guy cooked for me was... never." No wonder she dumped that millionaire athlete. Although I guess maybe he just hired people to cook for him.

There was a bit of slow dancing in the house. Salsa, I think, but I can't be sure. It was sultry, though. They also tried to one-up each other with photos of their respective offspring. Blech. That's what Facebook is for. JP taunted her a bit for being "over-protective" because she didn't want to send her two-year-old to school. Man, they're hard-core in Venezuela.

Despite her over-protective tendencies, JP offered her the rose and she accepted. She's feeling better about being apart from her son now. "The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago," she said. Yes, when she was 18. So you know this is pretty freakin' serious.

JP said of Cassandra, "She's beautiful, she's funny, she dances." Keep in mind, English is his second language.

The group date saw the girls playing soccer at the home field of the LA Galaxy. JP, as you know, is pretty good at the sport. In fact, the narrative on the show is that he quit his professional soccer career when he had his daughter, the implication being that it wasn't just a concurrent event but a decision on his part to choose one over the other, as if they couldn't possibly co-exist. He still loves the game, though. He said, "I have Camila, but this is my other half." There's got to be a bigger story there, but this Sherlock has done his sleuthing for the week. Maybe one of my regulars can look into it for me. Comments are always welcome.

LITERALLY count: "The limo literally drives out onto the soccer field." – Renee. VERDICT: Correct. But really unnecessary. 

The women entered the stadium wearing the cliché black football stripe under the eyes. Do soccer players wear that, too? These ones did, anyway. Alli has played soccer her whole life so she had a bit of an advantage (not that I noticed how she played at all). Kelly, the lipstick-loving dog lover, never played before and didn't give much of an effort. Our gal Sharleen, however, was a real trouper. She had never played before, either. Never even worn cleats before. Remember, she's a classical musician and they're generally shunned in PE class. But she went all out, taking balls in her face and all over her body. That sentence has the potential to be taken out of context to everyone's delight but it is what it is. You know what I'm talking about.

Andi the DA scored a hat-trick, if that's what it's called in soccer when a player nets three goals. That's pretty impressive (unless you consider the level of the competition, in which case it's pathetic). Almost rose-worthy. Almost. All I could think watching these newbies run around the turf was they're going to be extremely sore the next day or two. If they were, they hid it well.

I don't know what this is

They had a little post-game bash at the stadium. Nurse Nikki was told by JP that she has a certain 'no sé que.' I don't know what that is. But boy, JP really goes all out with this Spanish thing, doesn't he? Why can't he just speak English and call it what it is: a je ne sais quoi. 

Andi necked with JP in the kitchen, hoping to further cement her rose status. Three goals and tongue? That's gotta be worth something.

LITERALLY count: "I literally had a dream last night that it was my [Elise's] date with Juan Pablo." – Elise. VERDICT: Well, if she really had a dream, then I guess it's correct, though highly unnecessary. But truth be told, I'd kill to hear the Martin Luther King, Jr. speech begin, "I literally have a dream!"

Sharleen took a stroll out to centrefield with Juan Pablo, admitting she was a little nervous. Why, you might ask? "I'm always a little nervous," she said. Fair enough. Her nervous tick is being overly polite. She's Canadian, after all. JP told her she has class. "That's a compliment," she responded. He said something else nice and she answered the same way: "That's a compliment." To her credit, she didn't call him sir this time.

He went in for a kiss and her back stiffened. But when he pulled away, as one does when your kissee is *literally* backing away, she then went in for a retake. Some of the gals witnessed the shenanigans even though they were well hidden in the middle of a soccer field. Andi was a tad grossed out since she had just made out with him moments earlier. She had felt the rose was hers up to that point. Because as we all know after 20 seasons, Bachelors usually only kiss one girl per episode.

I don't ever want to criticize my favourite Sharleen, but if JP is making future decisions based on kissing ability, she better brush up. Get the mirror ready.

So who would get the rose? The one with the no sé que: Nikki. Sharleen was rattled. "Are you serious?" she said. "I don't feel secure in my connection with him. I actually have not that much confidence in where I stand. It both surprises and bothers me that I care as much as I do."

Who was the last one-on-one date going to go to, Chelsie or Elise? Boy, they really wanted us to think about it, even though the description of the show on the TV guide told us it was going to be Chelsie. Who needs spoilers when the producers do all the work for them?

Elise was quite confident she was going to be chosen. Which brings us to...

No, really: Literally

LITERALLY count: "She literally seems like a baby." – 27-year-old Elise talking about 24-year-old Chelsie. VERDICT: I literally can't decide. But it's safe to say Elise literally talks like a child.

JP takes Chelsie to downtown Pasadena and cranks up the Venezuelan pop music in the car. I get wanting a strong connection with your culture and all but isn't he overdoing it? Then they go to a Venezuelan restaurant. I'm surprised he even consider dating a non-Venezuelan. Or maybe he's working for the Venezuelan Chamber of Commerce.

JP then leads Chelsie to a bridge. There's a small platform jutting out from the side of it. "What are we doing?" asks Chelsie. Not much of an imagination, that girl. Yes, they're going to jump off the bridge in a tandem bungee dive. Or are they???

Of course they are. We saw the upcoming highlights. There are no surprises on this show, remember. Chelsie stood on the platform and cowered, as any rational person would. "I don't know if I can," she trembled as they cut to commercial. Yawn.

When we returned from the break, old smoothy JP was working his magic. "Just do it for me," he growled sexily. Chelsie, the science educator, was worried she'd smash her head in the ground. I guess her love of science is only during working hours.

But they jump, as we've known they would for at least a week. And as they hang upside down bouncing, they enjoy their first kiss.

And of course we got the usual drivel about trust and relationships. "If you don't trust someone, you can't do all these things in life like have kids and be each other's best friends." Yes, true. But it's a completely different kind of unnecessary trust that gets you to jump off a bridge for a person. I trust my wife completely, and we have a kid, yet I would never bungee or skydive with her. I wonder if a generation of younger people who've grown up watching The Bachelor/ette will assume that the two go hand in hand?

They eat dinner at Pasadena City Hall and JP gives Chelsie the rose because "she's fun, she smiles, she cares about people." Cue the lights and music, another no-name band is gonna get their 15 minutes of fame. No idea who it was but Chelsie was stoked. She sang along to the awful song that she hears on a radio station I would not want to ever listen to. Whatever it was, it was the complete opposite of Venezuelan music. But Chelsie was white dancing like nobody's business, having the time of her life. JP loved her fun, easy-going nature – "This is what I need and what I want." He called her "a keeper." I don't think he meant housekeeper but who knows what his true intentions are?

We get it already.

The next morning, JP snuck into the mansion to prepare breakfast for everyone. Check that – it was a Venezuelan breakfast, natch. He wanted to see them as they are, not all dolled up. Kelly and her dog were the first ones down. Didn't look like any Kelly we've seen so far. The woman in question was wearing glasses and had no lips! At least not huge overly glossy ones. Although JP never saw her because she walked by with her hand over her face. Her grandmother always told her "never let a man see you without your face on" and she apparently lives by this ridiculous credo. You'd think she'd maybe want to gain an upper hand, if that's what she believes, and let the others come down looking disheveled. But no, she went upstairs to warn everyone so they could pretty themselves first.

Renee, the 32-year-old den mother, didn't care. And her radiant beauty shone through. That's what JP wants. In fact, he eschewed the pre-ceremony cocktail party for a casual pool party. Smart move. Bikinis. Nuff said.

In breaking news, Lucy the dirty hippy kept her top on. Don't know how she did it, but she did.

Kat thrust herself all over Juan Pablo. Kelly thought she looked "like a whore." Sharleen fretted that she could be going home that night. She was told not to over-analyze things and responded, "It is me to over-analyze." It is also her to talk like an automaton... A beautiful, classy automaton.

When she sat down with JP, her neuroses shone through. She was very formal, nervously repeating "I'm okay, how are you?" She talked about how strange it was to be natural with "cameras zooming into your face." She broke down and cried in his arms. It's unclear whether her tears rusted her cheeks. JP was in his element, fathering her with calming words. Then they kissed and she called him a tease.

Meanwhile, Clare was having a crisis in confidence on her own. She went up to her room alone. Thankfully the Den Mother saw her and talked her through it. Clare is also 32, it surprised me to learn. You know you've been watching The Bachelor/ette too long when you see a 32-year-old and marvel at how young they look for their age. I had to give my head a shake on that one.

She eventually got to talk to JP, as they all do (so why the fretting?) and came away more relaxed and reassured that he hadn't forgotten about her.

Cassandra the Kid, Nurse Nikki and Test Tube Chelsie all had their roses so they could relax at the ceremony. Ten more would get roses. Two wouldn't. They went in order to:

1. Hat-trick Andi
2. Den Mother Renee
3. Smelly Kelly (because of her dog)
4. Classy Automaton Sharleen (who always wears the sexiest dresses)
5. Ms. Elise
6. Shoulder-Ride Kat
7. Alli(son) the soccer-playing nanny
8. Fake pregnant Clare
9. Piano-pushing Lauren (who was invisible this episode)
10. Danielle (who's been invisible the whole season)

That meant the last of Christy, who we never got to know anyway. She said this result was her "worst nightmare." She was not selected because others are way more open than she is, which isn't fair. It's hard for her to open up. "This sucks," she said.

It was also the end for the dirty hippy Lucy, who cried fake tears and carried her shoes out the door. She should have taken off her top after all.

Hey, anyone going to watch the big Sean and Catherine nuptials? Me, neither. I hear Catherine can't wait to have sex! That I'd watch.

Next week the gang is off to South Korea. Unfortunately, judging from the upcoming highlights, Sharleen sings. I say unfortunately because I think she's fantastic. I just don't want it to appear as if she's there only to further her career (not that anyone in the highfalutin world of opera who could offer her work would ever stoop to watching The Bachelor). But we'll see how it all shakes down on Monday.