- Cross-dressing Chris
- Broken finger Brooks
- Sexy soccer player Juan Pablo
- The jaw that walks like a man Drew
- Type I Michael
- Bad Ben
- Hashtag Kasey
- Hesitant Bryden
- Meathead Mikey
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Fantastico!
All right, so what do we have this week? Let me consult my chicken scratch.
The gang began their around-the-world adventure in Atlantic City. The news of the first stop elicited hoots and one "Unbelievable!" I've never been but in my ignorance I always thought it was a kind of low-rent Las Vegas. Maybe that's just because it's in New Jersey. But I also heard it was devastated by Hurricane Sandy a few months ago. Either the guys heard otherwise (they'd have been right) or they're so clueless they didn't even know about the Hurricane.
But we'll get to that in a moment. First off Brad had a one-on-one date. I immediately had to go back and check who Brad was. He's the guy with the 3-year-old kid and a 3-and-a-half-year-old arrest for domestic violence before all charges were dropped. I hate to use that as the only gauge to remember the guy, but that's pretty much all he's given us. Everyone else calls him the "quietest guy in the house."
He and Desiree went to a taffy factory then stumbled across a modest beach home for tiny people. They sat down while the owners were away and talked. Des asked him what type of women he usually dates. He replied, "Nothing specific." Good answer, quiet guy! Let her know she still stands a chance!
Des said she loves that Brad takes responsibility for his son. Yes, she was really stretching for positive things to say about him. What else is there? Oh, she loves that he's never killed anyone. She loves that bathes regularly. All great character traits.
The dinner conversation was a "little rocky," though, she thought. Picture Sylvester Stallone at Stonehenge. That kind of rocky. Note to introspective dudes: You gotta meet regular human beings halfway.
With the rose sitting conspicuously by at their lighthouse dinner, and Desiree knowing what she must do, where does she lead the soon-to-be exited one? Down to ground level where he can hop in a cab? Nope. Up they climb to the very top. Perhaps the thinking was that once she broke the bad news to him, he could just throw himself off the tower.
Brad said he "just got hit with a ton of bricks." But there was just no natural spark, reasoned Des. "I want a love that can light the darkness." God, that's poetic, isn't it?
Since Atlantic City is the original home of the Miss America pageant, the group date saw the fellas competing in a faux-Mr. America pageant, complete with a talent portion, swimsuit competition, and inane answers to jejune questions. Type I Michael, the federal prosecutor, said he had always dreamed of becoming Mr. America. Instead he had to settle on being a highly paid lawyer.
The guys were introduced to a "world famous" pageant coach. I was expecting a grizzled veteran to walk hunched over into the room but instead a sprightly young man in his 20s (I'm guessing) entered. Chris immediately tried to get on the coach's good side by donning the high heels. He seemed a little too keen to wear them, didn't he?
While they had to choose their own talents, they were assigned their bathing suits. Some, like Mikey, got long shorts to hide their beefy thighs, while others, like South American heartthrob Juan Pablo, were given a Speedo to accentuate their beefy groins. While many American contestants grimace whenever they have to sport a Speedo, JP gave a big thumbs up, saying, "I feel great!" It's de rigueur down south.
The Q&A segment revealed that Juan Pablo also has a child. That's new, right? Everyone else with offspring always makes a big deal out of it, but JP just casually mentions in an interview that his ideal woman my love his daughter. Maybe that's how they roll in Argentina, too.
And Mikey's answer to the question about what women don't understand about men was unintentionally hilarious only because he seemed to be serious. The muscle-bound one said that women think of guys as "meatheads" and said "we cry inside." "I'm sensitive. I'm tired of being a piece of meat." He then proceeded to expose his torso, do handstand push-ups and flex his tit muscles at every given opportunity. No disconnect there at all.
The talent portion revealed that Brooks, who smashed a ukulele, has a sense of humour, that Chris may be a closeted cross-dresser, and Zak has a not-horrible singing voice but takes himself a little too seriously.
In the end, the judges (i.e. the producers, I'm sure) awarded the second runner up to Brooks, the first runner up to Zak, and the crown to Kasey, who really sold his fake tap dance routine with confidence and humour.
At night, the fey Chris, wearing a pink shirt and sockless loafers, took Des aside to show he was more than just a pair of well-pedicured feet. You won't believe this, but he actually writes poetry, too! "No, you don't!" squealed Des with delight. Or maybe it was derision. I hope it was the latter. Nobody likes poetry. Not even people who really like poetry like poetry. And certainly not by lay-poets. But he read his "work" and it really turned her on because she grabbed him by the neck and slobbered a kiss on him. I did not see that coming.
In our hairless world now, is it common for men to shave their armpits? Or is that still a bit weird? I'm old and out of touch. To me, it's still odd to see a guy like Ben proudly displaying his smooth 'pits to the world as if he were born with alopecia under his arms.
But that's not the reason the guys hate him. While it's hard to put a finger on it, my guess is that it stems from a combination of his sneakiness and his overall smug, rosy-cheeked countenance. The hate is so strong, Michael thinks his love for his son is nothing but a ruse or gimmick. "Two weeks pass and I have not heard a word about his son!" he says.
Zak took the opportunity to serenade Des some more with his simple guitar chords and original song. I think it's safe to say his manager didn't put him on the show to further a fledgling singing career (hey there, Wes!). Still, it worked. Zak got the rose.
Remember last week when I said I thought it was the worst episode in the history of the franchise? Well, the next segment may have been the best, thanks to a pair of senior citizens. Gotta love that. Des and James went on a helicopter tour of the nearby area that was torn apart by Hurricane Sandy. They then touched down and met an old couple whose house was wrecked by the flooding. Despite still being in upheaval, they were thrilled and "honoured" to meet the two pseudo-celebs. When Des found out they had to spend their anniversary at the shelter, she decided to give them her date. I'm sure Manny wouldn't have minded going on the date with Des (who would have?), but he and the Mrs. had their first night out alone in eons.
Thankfully the camera crew followed Manny and Jan on their date as if they were two young hardbodies. And it was beautiful. And compelling. Maybe one summer the executives can think outside the box and produce a season featuring nothing but old people trying to find love. How awesome would that be?
Des and James went and had pizza and beer somewhere. Of course, there were cameras there, too. James revealed his freshman mistake. He had a girlfriend of 5.5 years (so they started dating when? When they were 12?) and he cheated on her. As someone who had been the victim of a cheater, Des might have been less sympathetic. "It shows temptation may be a problem," she said. But she liked that he was honest with her. Or at least pretending to be.
Meanwhile, Manny and Jan danced to a private concert by Darius Rucker. Finally a performer I've heard of. If you haven't, surely you've heard of Hootie & the Blowfish. That's him. He must have been Hootie. The date was a hit with the old couple. Manny said, "As we say in Italian, it was fantastico!" I have no idea what that means in English. They didn't supply a subtitle. Whatever it meant, Jan, who perhaps had a bit too much wine, leaned over and stage whispered, "So sexy!" Manny didn't know what to make of that on national TV. It was a sweet moment.
Back at the house, Bryden, the Iraq war vet, was struggling with the whole process. There's always someone, isn't there? He was saying he wasn't sure he'd accept a rose if offered one. Oh, how I want that to happen. Just once. I don't know how many hundreds or thousands of roses have been handed out over the years, but not once has someone refused it. If someone leaves, they do so before it gets to a rose ceremony. Come on, sulkers, stick around and throw it back in their face. Make a scene! Don't wait for the producers to create all the drama for you!
Cross-dressing Chris spent some friendly time with Des, and the term BFF was bandied about. He quickly realized being in the friend zone wasn't the optimal place to be. Desiree nipped that in the bud with a big kiss, then said, "Friends don't kiss."
Zak and James already had a rose and nine more were to be handed out, with only one man being left out in the cold. They went in order to:
So who was left out? Hmm, let me try to figure it out... Tough one... Nobody that I can think of... Oh wait, it was that book publisher guy who got no face time since his opening night limo entrance. Zack was his name. He said he was "shocked." Keep in mind at that point he hadn't seen the edit. He had no idea nobody knew who he was.
The book publisher actually said the following: "I came here literally with a leap of faith." (italics mine) I'm guessing he's not so much a book publisher as a dude who puts out a zine.
Next week the group travels to Munich where James joins Ben in the villain camp.