Week 8: A less enticing ending

Are we running out of steam this season? For the first time in a long time, there were no comments to last week's post. We're only eight weeks in. Is this season less juicy than others? Did their one-week hiatus for the July 4th holiday take everyone out of their routine? Did the new look mesmerize you? Or did I just nail it and nothing more need be said?

Regardless, I will see the season through! The hometown visits are always fun just to see some of the pieces of work these people come from. Every man and woman in the history of this show has parroted the belief that extended families are a very important gauge to a relationship. This week, in fact, Little Ben went so far as to say that if his mom and sister didn't approve of a girl, he couldn't marry her. He said this three times.

If families are important, all four have red flags but none so red or flaggy it couldn't be overcome. Let's go through them in order.

As I mentioned last week, Constantine's Greekness could be problematic if his parents want their son to marry a nice Greek girl, which Ashley definitely isn't. They seemed super friendly and welcoming, but Elleni, the mom, let slip that if an outsider were to infiltrate the clan, she'd make sure a conversion took place. She said, "I think we'll have a little meeting to turn her into an honorary Greek. Pull her into the club." Vindication of sorts for me!

We know by now everyone's favourite oddball intellectual, Ames, was the odd man out and didn't move on, so there's little point discussing his hometown visit. But being a big NBA fan I was thrilled he was from a place called Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania (I won't explain it. That'll be a little gift to any other NBA fan out there). Ames' sister raved about her younger brother, saying he was the most loyal and honest person anyone could meet. And, curiously, she also said he's romantic. Um, red flag anyone? Then she relayed her reconnaissance mission to Ames in a strategy session. Her suggestion: Up the romance. My suggestion would have been: Tuck in your underpants. But that's just me. So to prove he's not a robot, he took Ashley to his favourite tree. C'mon, cut him some slack. It's what the Italian renaissance thinkers would have done.

Next up was the frontrunner, Little Ben, who had previously only ever brought one date back to the homestead to meet mom. First he takes her on a picnic to his winery where she tastes Ben's wines, if you get what I'm saying. Actually, that's exactly what they did. But don't you think it sounds like a great euphemism? Let's all try to adapt that to our lives.

Ben's family made Ames' bookish clan look positively hot-blooded and carefree. What a morose twosome his mom and sister made. And then it was Ben's turn, getting all emotional talking to the camera. What a barrel o' fun holidays in Sonoma must be.

Finally it was on to Long Island where Ashley could meet the family of last week's pout-fest. JP took Ashley roller skating because... he's retro? No, because he's just old and that's what he did in his youth. They edited out what came next: a trip to the drug store for a cherry sarsaparilla soda. When they got to JP's home, everyone was overly concerned about his fragile psyche, not wanting him to get his heart broken again. This guy gets in deep, apparently. I don't look forward to the moment he gets dropped by Ashley. It could be ugly.

Turns out JP is Jewish. Who knew? The skinhead haircut threw me. At one point, his mom brought out a huge photo of a 13-year-old JP taken at his bar mitzvah. It was very cute, but it gave me the same pause as with Constantine. I know every mother's dream is for her son to find the woman of his dreams and live happily ever after, but many a Jewish mother want that woman to be a nice Jewish girl. And fair enough, maybe that isn't the case in this situation. I'm just saying Ashley should get that cleared up before she goes any further and deeper with Japes, for both their sakes.

Out of those four, it was clear Ames was the one to go just because there was no spark there. But who didn't like the guy? Of the remaining three, we've got the Greek family man, the Jewish family man, and the brooding family man. All signs point to Big Ben. Back at the mansion, talking to Chris Harrison, Ashley told him that "Ben surprised me. He planned such a good date." I'm sure that took quite a lot of planning to grab a couple sandwiches and sit on the grass on his own property sipping wine that very property makes. So you know she's smitten when that little effort gets blown out of proportion.

Chris Harrison continues to amuse. He offered up the second-best line of the night: "So you left Sonoma. Where did you go from there?" What does he have to do all week but track her every move then sit down for two minutes and talk to her? How could he not know her itinerary? Don't they brief him? If he was doing it for our sake, don't bother, dude. We were watching, unlike you.

An aside here: Ashley, as cute as she is, shouldn't wear make-up. She's more the natural type. She looks like a little girl playing make-up when she cakes it on.

Anyway, the usual suspects got roses and Ames didn't. He stood there with that patented confused/bemused look on his face. They sat down briefly and he was intelligent, as usual, and gracious then demonstrated why he wasn't selected when he actually shook her hand. Classic! And when he took his limo ride of shame, he offered up the best line of the night:

I was just hoping to share a lifetime of adventures with this beautiful woman and now I'm back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with myself, which is... less enticing.

Oh, man, I laughed. Not at Ames, whom I like, but that pause before the last two words coupled with the tilt of the head. So beautifully detached and intellectual.

If the last couple of weeks have lacked in drama, it looks like next week should make up for it. It looks like (if the upcoming highlights are any indication and are they ever misleading?) JP's on the outs. Then a flip-flopped man of mystery returns. Who could it be? Certainly not Bentley. I doubt Ames has the passion to return. Whoever it is, when she opens the door she looks happily shocked. Hey, maybe it's Brad Womack! That makes sense.

Then in two weeks her ink-stained sister tells her what she really thinks, which doesn't sit well with Ashley, who calls her a bitch.

Speaking of failed series relationships, I trust you all saw the ad for the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad. They've reunited Jake and Vienna! Oh, they look so happy, don't they? When they showed her saying, "I hate him," you could totally tell she still really loved him.

Week 7: Nice guys finish last

The holidays are over and we're back to reality. Or at least reality TV. Just to drive the point home, the fellas walk en masse into a square in Tapei and stop on a line about 20 feet from Chris Harrison, who addresses them without the aid of a megaphone. That was natural.

In this episode, JP went from good guy to green-eyed monster. Every season one person becomes the raving jealous lunatic. Who'd a thunk it would be easy-going JP? Okay, he wasn't a raving lunatic; just a quiet, surly whiner. Red flag? I'd think so, but apparently Ashley thought it was charming. It worked for him. He got a pity rose with his woe-is-me routine. I know jealousy is a natural human reaction and it's more how we deal with our jealousy than the jealousy itself that matters. But considering how long they've known each other and the situation they're in, what to make of JP's sullenness and possessiveness? In a real relationship, what form would it take? Is he the type to put shackles on his wife and tell her what to wear or who she can see? I'm not saying that's the case at all, but when you can't control your emotions and pout like a teenaged girl when cameras are rolling all around you and millions are watching, it's gotta make you wonder.

We also learned that her relationship with Constantine is moving the most slowly, according to Ash, but he's still around. I'm sure that'll make the gentlemen sent home feel better. Constantine doesn't even pretend to be all that into her. Maybe the playing-hard-to-get angle really does work. When she asked him if he thinks this relationship can possibly work for him, he replies that yes, it could "if I fall in love." And Ashley nods knowingly and approvingly. I'm thinking, did she not hear him? Also, he's Greek, and if I know one gross stereotype about Greeks is that they like to marry each other. Last I checked, our heroine is not named Ashley Hebertopoulos. (Yes, I have Greek friends who have married outside the tribe but I like to perpetuate stereotypes.) Who Constantine should hook up with is a good Greek girl like DeAnna Pappas.

And what about their kiss? Yowza, that was perhaps the longest and most stilted kiss, or series of kisses, in the storied history of this franchise. We've seen plenty of awkward stilted kisses before but not that went on for so long. At least none that I can recall.

Ben says he's almost ready to drop the L-bomb on Ashley. No, he's not ready to call her a Loser. He's falling in Love! He proved to be a thoughtful and intelligent young winemaker on their date. After his sweet talk at dinner, Ashley undoubtedly was swept off her feet. But that's as far as we witnessed. Next thing we knew, Ben was sheepishly walking in the door back at the hotel the next morning. But he assured the others they did not share a room. Whether that's true or not we'll never know because he strikes me as a refined gentleman who wouldn't sleep and tell.

Another thing we learned this episode was that Ashley likes the bare-back look, giving the allusion she's going bra-less. She wore such an outfit two or three times. I will not make any jokes about how the back was not much different from the front. This isn't a roast.

Poor earnest Ryan was thrown for a loop on his long-awaited one-on-one date. No pressure because it wasn't a do-or-die date. But Ashley made it one anyway, sending the good guy home. He's such a positive, respectable and successful guy I was wondering if he'd make a good Bachelor. What do you people think? Or will they bring Brad back for a third go-around now that his engagement is off?

One curious statement was when Ashley told Ryan she respected him too much to put him through the rose ceremony. Uh, what does that say about Lucas, who she did put through the ceremony? She doesn't respect him? Regardless, I'm sure Ryan would rather have liked to have kept the memory of a nice date with him than to be sent packing so soon. Hell, they even made him hail his own cab! No driver for you!

I forget how old Ryan is (32?) but my guess is that he looked too old for young Ashley and definitely acted more mature. Ashley told Chris Harrison that early on she'd choose a guy based on potential but at this stage she had to consider other factors such as whether she could envision walking up next to the guy. It was at this point that I knew for certain Ben was in.

Similar to my point about Ryan's date, I also think Ashley should let the guys have the cocktail party. If you're going to get sent home anyway, don't you want at least some fun and free drinks before you go? But no, she had her mind made up. Lucas could do or say nothing to save himself. Just as well. He's the one I wanted gone. He was a good loser, though, a southern gentleman. Although he almost slipped up a bit when he said, "I want someone to cook breakfast in the morning... together." Yeah, make no mistake, ladies. He won't demand you get up and make his breakfast. He'll at least put bread in the toaster for you.

After being so sure that she didn't even need or want a cocktail party, Ashley cried after sending Lucas home, saying she's not so sure and hopes that she made the right decision.

And that was it for the Ashley portion of the show. The remaining time went to the break-up of Emily and Brad. Who had July in the pool? Well done.

I don't think Chris Harrison is clear on the definition of "some". In his intro to Miss Emily, he mentioned that "some" Bachelor/ette couples have gotten married and started families and that "some" couples who've gotten engaged on the show have since broken up. In Harrison's world, "some" can mean either "one" or "all but one".

When Miss Emily, the leggy blond stepped out of the limo to greet Harrison, you could practically hear Bentley hyperventilating. And when she used his phrase, "dot dot dot", I'm sure he was already calling the producers and signing up for Bachelor Pad in hopes she'd be there. Or will she be the next B'ette?

We didn't learn anything about their breakup. The classy southern lady won't say a bad word about Mr. Womack, nor will she tolerate others speaking ill of the man but suggested she didn't have reassurance he'd stick around with her forever. And yet she believes the paparazzi hiding in her bushes will stick around forever, so who knows? She's apparently not familiar with the concept of Andy Warhol's famous prediction.

Next week, it's the hometown visits. Are you tingly with excitement? Me, neither, but we've invested this much time, we can't bail now.

Week 6 again?!

So here we are, on vacation. Got the kid in bed by 8 ready to watch our favourite reality series without the aid of the PVR and... it's a friggin' repeat! What the hay? Is it some kind of holiday in the States? What gives? I expected big fireworks this week, not the Fourth of July! Oh well. It's actually better this way. Vacation isn't meant for blogging. And the show will be all the sweeter for the wait. Until next week.